


Overdose

by sierrarefit14



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, M/M, Mild Language, Mild Smut, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, banghim, daejae - Freeform, jonglo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:20:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 90,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8647957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sierrarefit14/pseuds/sierrarefit14
Summary: They all had their problems, but that wouldn't be obvious to anyone looking on from the outside. To anyone else, they were a tight-knit, upbeat, South Korean boyband. On the inside, they were all falling apart in one way or another. Depression, eating disorders, hopelessness, perfectionism, sickness,and loneliness controlled each member's lives, and they could all feel themselves slowly slipping under the water. Would they be able to help themselves and each other before it was too late, or would every single one of them fall victim to the demons within them? Rated for eating disorders, suicide and or suicide attempts, references to drugs and alcohol, slight violence later on, and language. This story is basically taking some of my opinions about B.A.P and writing a story about what goes on behind the scenes. Exhibit A - we all know that YongGuk is depressed. Exhibit B - HimChan has admitted to starving himself.Posted on AsianFanficts as Sierra84, I promise I'm her.© 2016 Sierra Refit© 2016 Sierra84All rights reserved





	1. Scene 1

It was midnight in Hannam Dong, South Korea. Five out of six members of Korean boy band B.A.P (short for Best Absolute Perfect), were standing crowded closely together in the recording studio of their dorm, with a laptop situated on a desk in front of them. On its screen was a” healthy weight” chart for men of their leader, Bang YongGuk's, age and height.

The youngest of the band, Choi Jun-hong or “Zelo” as he was more commonly called, squinted at the tiny numbers on the laptop screen, trying to read past the older band-mate's heads. “Does anyone actually know how tall YongGuk hyung is? I know he's shorter than me, but..”

YoungJae, the fourth oldest and lead singer of the group, choked back a laugh. “Everyone here is shorter than you, Junhongie.”

Zelo sighed and rolled his eyes in mock irritation at his hyungs height joke. YoungJae wasn't lying, however - at about 6'2, the seventeen-year-old was easily the tallest of the group. “I know that. What I was about to say is that we know he's shorter than me but it's not by too much. I would guess that he's somewhere between 5'9 to 5'11”

HimChan, the visual and second oldest of the group, stepped towards the laptop and tapped his finger against the screen. “He's 5'11. I know because he's only a little bit taller than me.”

DaeHyun, who was standing directly in front of the laptop, moved his gaze to where HimChan was pointing. “So, according to the chart, if we can trust it, YongGuk-hyung should weigh at least 147 pounds at the minimum.”

JongUp, the main dancer and second youngest of the group, shook his head. “I don't think that he weighs anywhere close that.”

Dae nodded in agreement. “You're probably right. That's why we want to know how much he weighs. I'm not saying that this chart is approved by a doctor, but what if it is? We can all tell that he's losing weight, and let's be honest. When was the last time any of us have actually seen him sit down and enjoy a meal?”

Dae glanced around the room at the other members, waiting for one of them to answer his question. No one did. “Exactly. That's why we're doing this, so we can make sure that we can make sure that he's not losing too much weight.”

Zelo looked nervously towards the door to the recording studio as if he were afraid that they were being spied on. “How do we get him to agree to this without making him suspicious?”

“Well, we've done it before, just for fun, haven't we? This time isn't any different as long as we act like its the same as before.” YoungJae explained though he sounded like he wasn't confident in what he was saying. “I don't like lying to Yonggukie, but I don't think he'd do it if he knew that it's because we're worried.”

HimChan sighed sadly. “He's stubborn like that. He doesn't want us to worry, but when it's obvious that something is wrong, how can we not?”

Youngjae stared at the rest of the group thoughtfully. “What if we're overreacting and he's perfectly fine? He won't appreciate us meddling when there really is nothing to be concerned with.”

DaeHyun glanced at him in irritation. “Weren't you the one who just said that we're doing this because we're worried? Why are you overthinking it now?”

“I..” Jae swallowed before looking down at the floor, avoiding everyone else's gazes. “I'm worried that there is something wrong with YongGuk.. something that we can't help him fix.”

Him gestured impatiently for his dongsaeng to continue. “What is it, Mr. Brains?”

“YongGuk... is depressed. I think he has been for a long time. He doesn't want us to see it, and I think he even tries to hide it, but you don't have to be a genius to see and understand the signs.” Jae muttered quietly.

JongUp leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. “Yeah. We all realized that... after what happened last year.” Jong opened his eyes and glanced at Zelo apologetically, knowing that the youngest member hated it when they brought up their leader's attempt at suicide.

“Do you remember what happened not long before that?” Dae questioned as his mind wandered back to finding their leader near death in the very same recording studio that they were standing in at that moment.

“His grandfather had just passed away.. while he was here with us working on promotions for Power,” Zelo said in a voice barely above a whisper. "I remember when he got the news... he locked himself in our room until he had to get ready for the funeral. None of us could get inside."

Dae nodded. "Exactly. His grandpa was like a father to him - he was practically raised by him. Yongguk was.. heart broken. I'd only seen him cry once or twice before, but never like that."

“The director made him come home right after the funeral because we had a concert that day. Our fans could tell that something was wrong because he wasn't interacting with the crowd. He kept forgetting his parts because he couldn't focus on the performance. The fans sent him comforting messages on SNS, and normally they would have made him feel better, but they didn't help.” JongUp muttered in a low monotone.

Youngjae, took his cue to rejoin the conversation when no one said anything for a tense few seconds. “I'm not saying that we didn't already know that there was something wrong with him. What I meant is it's something that he wants to deal with on his own - I don't know if we can help him through it by forcing him to confront it. I think he needs more time.”

“But, if he's not taking care of himself, how long will he be able to keep going before he gets sick? We need to at least convince him that he needs to eat, regardless if he doesn't want to. We may not be able to help his mind, but we can help keep him from destroying his body.” Dae argued gently. He understood Jae's point but knew that his argument was sound.

“You've both made your points. There's no sense in arguing about it now - it's getting late and I'm afraid that YongGuk will wake up soon. He has a hard time staying asleep sometimes - he wakes up about this time to take sleep medication. We'll worry about the weigh in later.” Himchan said dismissively to his dongsaengs and then pointed towards the door to the recording studio. “Let's get some sleep.” And with that, the five members filed out of the recording studio. Himchan was last to go. He cut the light off and watched as darkness fell over the room that harbored some of the band's darkest memories.


	2. Scene 2

Bang YongGuk, the leader and oldest member of B.A.P, sat at the desk in the band's recording studio, editing audio for a song that the band had been working on for 1004 (Angel's) album. With headphones on and gaze glued to the screen of his computer, he didn't hear the door opening, allowing the other five members of his band to enter the studio without his knowledge. He only noticed their presence when he felt a hand on his shoulder all of the sudden, which made him jump and somehow hit the delete button on the snippet of audio he had selected.

Daehyun, realizing what he had just made him do, stared at Yongguk with wide eyes. The leader took his headphones off and turned to face Daehyun, grinning slightly. “Everything's fine. The program I use has an undo function - I can get the audio back. If I couldn't, we'd be rerecording the entire song.” he turned back to the computer and pressed a button on the keyboard. The missing audio was put back where it had been a moment before. “So, what do you need? All of you came in here but you haven't said anything. Is it that important?”

Dae nodded even though YongGuk wasn't looking at him. “ Do you remember how we checked our weights together for fun right after we debuted?”

Yong turned to look at him out of curiosity. “Yeah. Why are you bringing it up- did you want to do it again or something?"

Daehyun glanced at the other members before nodding his head once. "I think it would be interesting to see how we've changed over the past few years, especially since Junhong has grown up so much," Dae said with a small smile. It was true that their Junhongie had grown and matured over the two years since their debut. However, that wasn't the only reason that he was smiling. He had managed to slip in a true excuse to cover up the main reason for the weigh in.

“Let me finish working on the song. When I get done, we'll go to the gym next door - they should have a scale.” He put his headphones back on and began working with the audio again. The rest of the members met each other's gazes before filing out of the studio, leaving their leader to his work.

A few hours later, the members of B.A.P were standing around the scale in the local gym. No one had volunteered to go first, so DaeHyun stepped onto the scale.

“It says one hundred forty-six,” Daehyun said after a few seconds, not really caring about the number. Dae stepped off and HimChan, deciding to go ahead and it get over with, stepped onto the scale. His weight read one-hundred fifty. He stared at the number in horror as he came to the painful realization that he had gained five pounds since the last time that he had checked his weight.

“HimChan hyung, is something the matter?” JongUp asked carefully when Him didn't step off the scale.

“N-nothing.” HimChan stuttered out as he moved off of the betraying scale. “Everything is fine.”

After HimChan, YongGuk sighed realizing that it was his turn to weigh himself. He stepped onto the scale and watched the numbers change.“One-hundred twenty-three.” he muttered casually after a moment. He realized that he had lost weight since the last time that the group had done a weight check, but he found that he didn't care. He stepped off and looked at his band-mates. He was confused to see that they were all staring at him with different expressions of shock and worry on their faces. “Is something wrong?” he asked carefully, still not understanding why they were staring at him like he was broken.

“YongGuk hyung... you've lost a lot of weight since the last time we came here together,” DaeHyun answered quickly, looking anywhere but at his leader's face. “You haven't been eating either - even when going out to restaurants, you don't order anything.”

YongGuk met Dae's gaze and sighed. “I do eat. Just because you don't always see me doesn't mean that I don't - if I didn't, I'd be dead by now. And you know that I like to work out - I come here at least once a week. That's why I keep losing weight.” Yong hated lying to them, but at the same time he hoped that they believed him - he hated making them worry more.

Zelo shook his head angrily. “Not lately you haven't been. I don't remember the last time that you said that you were going to the gym, even on days that we're not practicing. And maybe you do eat, but how often is it, huh? I see you eat maybe once every three or four days, and every time it's not even a full plate. How do you explain that, YongGuk-hyung?” he took a breath and glared into his leader's eyes. “You don't want us to see it, but you're not okay. It's alright to let us see you when you're weak, because we're not going to sit back and watch you slowly kill yourself, even if you don't care if you die. We care hyung.”

YongGuk took a step back and stared at his youngest member. He had been shocked into silence and couldn't formulate a coherent thought. There was only one time before that he had ever seen Zelo so adamant, and he didn't want to relive the memory that had led up to that event.

YoungJae gently laid his hand on Yong's shoulder. “The only thing that we're asking is for you to take better care of yourself, hyung. We need you to be our leader - you're the one who holds our band together. You could always get another member, but experienced leaders are hard to find. If we lose you, B.A.P won't exist.”

Yong shook his head. “I'm fine. Whatever you all think is the matter, you're wrong.”

“Didn't you say that you were “fine” when you tried to kill yourself? We could see that you were spiraling to a bad place, but we were too afraid to say anything. By the time that we realized that we should step in, you were already too far out of reach for us to help. We nearly lost you hyung.” Zelo was pleading with him now, feeling like had stepped on sharp glass and was trying to avoid making the cut deeper.

YongGuk looked down at the floor. “You don't know anything about that, Junhong.”

“I know that it started after your grandfather died,” Zelo responded, wishing immediately after he said it that it hadn't slipped out.

Yong turned away from Zelo and walked away without another word to any of the other members. He rushed out of the gym and began walking back to the dorm. He hadn't left because he was angry. No, he had left because Zelo had him completely figured out - the maknae knew exactly when his depression had started, and that it was still affecting him to this day. He wasn't ready to face that losing his grandpa still hurt him and made him have trouble sleeping at night. He didn't want to admit that he still blamed himself for not realizing that his grandpa was sick the last time he had seen him. He couldn't deal with the fact that he hadn't come home to see him more. He had betrayed his family for his career and was now paying for it by giving a piece of himself to his depression every time it tried to bring him to his knees.

Somehow by using muscle memory, YongGuk made it safely back to the dorm, but the damage had been done. The leader locked himself in the bathroom and broke down, allowing himself to cry for the first time in months. He finally realized that trying to act strong had made him weak. Hell, maybe his band-mates were right. He was broken.


	3. Scene 3

Kim HimChan stared at the bowl of food sitting on the table in front of him longingly. He was hungry - no, starving was more like it. He wanted to eat, but couldn't bring himself to put his chopsticks in the food and bring it to his lips. He had gained weight, after all of the methods he had tried to keep it off. The visual member of B.A.P had struggled with body image issues his entire life - he had been a heavier kid and it had been hard for him to find cool clothes like other boys could wear while growing up, but despite not always being comfortable in his skin, he had never let it get him down.

That had been until he was about twenty years old and was scouted by TS Entertainment to be in a new boy band that the company was planning to debut the following January. The director, Tae-Sung, had told HimChan that he liked how Him sounded and thought that he had natural good looks, but the only problem was that at his weight he didn't fit in with the “boy band image.” Tae-Sung told Him that there was no way that he would do well on popularity polls on Naver if he didn't lose weight because no female fans would be interested in a heavy-set member.

Hearing that he was too heavy to ever be thought of as attractive destroyed any self-confidence that HimChan had in himself. Being insulted in that way made him feel angry and hurt, and for awhile, he used those emotions to fuel the binge diet that TS put him on so that he could lose enough weight before B.A.P's scheduled debut date. After a few months on the diet, HimChan's weight loss came to a halt and Tae-Sung realized that they were quickly running out of time.

Even though he never stated it directly, HimChan understood loud and clear that the director was implying that he wanted him to starve himself to make him lose weight faster. It started with HimChan eating small meals and doing things like skipping breakfast, eating half of a salad for lunch, and the other half of his salad for dinner. He did this for a few months and saw some results and the director seemed to be satisfied with his level of progress, but to HimChan, it wasn't enough. He wasn't doing enough - he still wasn't good enough.

HimChan purged for the first time after eating a full meal one night. He had over indulged in his favorite food, pasta, which was full of calories and fats. Feeling physically sick after realizing how much he had eaten, HimChan made himself throw up the food. At first, the experience is hard for him, but after doing it for a few more days, HimChan realized that he liked the way that it felt.

He was now able to eat anything he wanted without having to worry about gaining weight. This method of weight loss quickly proved to be far from full proof when after days of either starving himself completely or purging anything he ate, HimChan would become so hungry that the only thing that he could think of would be food. He would cave in and binge eat until he felt sick, then purge everything he had eaten, encasing him in a vicious and unhealthy cycle.

Eventually, HimChan lost enough weight to satisfy Tae-Sung, but even after reaching a weight that he felt at least okay at, he wasn't able to stop starving himself. Every time he began eating regularly, the company cautioned him against eating more than he needed to prevent him from gaining weight again.

With a sigh Him stuck his chopsticks in the noodles in front of him, grabbing some beef and vegetables along with them. He put the food in his mouth and chewed stiffly, not really tasting it. His stomach rumbled hungrily at the little bit of food, but HimChan quickly found himself feeling sick. That happened a lot when he ate - it wasn't that the bulimia made him puke. His body did that for him - it was as if it was used to not getting nutrients and immediately rejected what he ate. Despite mounting nausea, he ate another bite of food then another, continuing until he had eaten half of the bowl.

He dipped his chopsticks back in for another bite, but his stomach gave a lurch and he knew that he wasn't going to be able to keep the food down. It was in him slowly but surely adding to the weight that already wouldn't leave his body. The little bit of food moved uncomfortably in HimChan's stomach and he grimaced, knowing that he was going to give in. He couldn't deal with the nausea - if he just purged, it would be over quicker. Waiting the feeling out was torture that just wasn't worth it.

Him pushed his chair back from the table and stood up quickly, causing his head to swim mercilessly. With legs feeling like jelly, he rushed to the bathroom at the other end of the dorm, locking the door before sliding to his knees in front of the toilet. He laid his head against the closed lid, heart beating fast and desperately trying to calm down his erratic breathing. Without warning his stomach rebelled and he flipped the lid up, barely managing to lean his head over the bowl before his dinner made its reappearance.

He gagged and retched again, but nothing came up. He felt full like there was a ton of bricks in his stomach and not just half of a bowl of food he normally loved. The feeling was too much - he had eaten too much. He was going to get fat again, he wouldn't look good anymore if he didn't stay thin. B.A.P couldn't have a fat visual - it would ruin their reputation. That same damned reputation that was the reason that his entire ordeal had started.

The feeling of fullness didn't go away and Him couldn't take it anymore. With a shaking hand, he closed his eyes, refusing to look at the toilet as he shoved his fingers in his mouth, triggering his gag reflex. He vomited again, this time feeling a pleasant sensation of release as the fullness in his stomach began to evaporate.

He hated himself for thinking that it felt good - how could something like this ever be enjoyable? He was making himself sick to lose weight. That wasn't normal, he wasn't normal anymore. By this point he was a freak, right? Addicted to the feeling of being able to eat and not gain weight.

But that was a double-edged sword, wasn't it? Because in the end, this was always the final result. He couldn't remember the last time he had enjoyed a full meal and kept it all down. It always came up one way or another, whether by his fingers or his own body rejecting food because it was so often starved.

The worst part was that even though he felt less full, he wasn't done. He still had too much in his body - it was like poison. Toxic, slowly killing him. He had to get it out, too. That only made it easier as he shoved his fingers deeper into his throat, instantly causing him to let out more.

He went on like this for a few more minutes, until he was dry heaving and his throat felt like sandpaper. The only thing he hated was the aftereffects of the acidic substance burning his throat. He had thrown up more than he usually did - he was sure that the leftover stomach acid coating his throat would leave painful sores that would make singing his lines hard, but he would just ignore the pain - it was his fault anyway.

HimChan didn't dare move from the floor as he still felt sick, but he heard a soft knock on the door and his heart stopped. Dammit, he hadn't thought of the other members in the dorm. He was an idiot - they had probably all heard him. They would know that he did this to himself, that he wasn't normal.

A moment later he heard a low voice on the other side of the door and recognized JongUp instantly. “Hyung, are you alright? I thought I heard someone throwing up.”

Still shaking, HimChan didn't answer but reached up and unlocked the door. He was terrified of being caught, but maybe just maybe he could play it off as the stomach flu or food poisoning. He hated the thought of lying to his naive dongsaeng, but the truth would hurt more than the lie.

The door creaked open and JongUp stood in the doorway, concern clearly in his sharp gaze. He took one look at the shaking HimChan on the floor then into the toilet and understanding dawned on his face. He walked to the sink and filled a cup with water before squatting beside HimChan. He held the cup out to the older member but quickly realized that his hyung wouldn't be able to hold the cup without spilling it all over both of them. He helped him guide the cup to his lips and take a sip before rinsing his mouth out and spitting it into the toilet.

HimChan repeated the process a few times before the taste of vomit was fully out of his mouth. His shaking lessened and he held the cup on his own, swallowing the rest of the water to ease his parched throat. JongUp eyed him quietly, but HimChan knew that he was just giving him a minute to recover before attacking him with questions.

He reached up and flushed the toilet before standing up and sliding past JongUp to stand in front of the sink. He was pale and sweaty - he didn't look well at all. With a slight wince, he washed his hands and then grabbed his toothbrush from the medicine cabinet. JongUp stood as his hyung cleaned up, gaze never leaving him.

Once HimChan was finished, the older maknae of B.A.P gave him a weird look that made Him's heart beat faster. Here it comes - the moment where JongUp would tell him that he knows everything. “Hyung, why were you sick?” was all he asked, his voice casual and unassuming.

HimChan relaxed slightly, realizing that he could easily play it off. “The stir fry made me sick. I think I used too much oil to cook it with.”

JongUp shook his head in disagreement. “Yeah, but all five of the rest of us ate that same stir fry, and none of us are feeling sick. Why was it just you?”

“Everyone's bodies are different, Jonguppie.”

“Maybe, but you eat burgers from the Shake Shack every time we go to the States. They're greasier than the entire pot of stir fry, and you eat more of them than you did your food tonight. I saw your bowl on the table- you barely at half of it. How did that little make you sick, but not all of us who finished our bowls?”

“I don't know why, but it did. What else would have made me sick?”

JongUp bit his lip and looked at the ground as if mentally debating. In the end, he gave HimChan a sharp look, knowing that his next words were for his hyungs own good. “Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Did you make yourself sick? Don't try and use the stir fry as an excuse. When you tried to grab water out of my hand, I smelled puke. I know that we were right beside it, but it smelled closer, hyung. It was on your hand or something.”

HimChan felt his heart rise up into his throat but he took a breath. JongUp seemed to be onto something, but he could still get out of this if he tried. “I was feeling pretty sick, JongUp. I puked in my hand before I got to the bathroom.”

“Why wasn't there a mess anywhere else, then? I don't think you could have done that without at least some getting on yourself or the floor. Plus, our room is right next to the kitchen, and I would have heard you if you had thrown up. I didn't hear you until I came to use the bathroom.”

“You were in a room with five other people. I'm sure you could have been distracted and not heard because everyone else was being noisy.”

“That's the thing, though. YongGuk and Junhong are sleeping, DaeHyun and YoungJae are watching a movie with headphones in, and I was reading posts on twitter. It was completely quiet.” JongUp shook his head in resignation. “Maybe the food did make you sick, but I'm not convinced that you're not lying to me, hyung. You've been nervous since I got in here - you're still sweating even though I cut the air on.”

“Y..you cut the air on?”

JongUp nodded. “Yeah, while you were brushing your teeth - you were too distracted to notice. It made it colder in here, but you're still sweating just as bad. People usually do that when they're hiding something.”

HimChan laughed sarcastically against his will. “Did you learn that in high school psychology?”

JongUp glared, instantly shutting the older member up. “Yeah, I did. But I'm not wrong, am I? You're nervous because you know that I'm onto you.”

“I'm sweaty because I just puked my guts up, JongUp. Are you ever cold after you've just been sick? It heats your entire body up for awhile.”

“Normally when I'm legitimately sick, I have cold chills underneath the heat. Are you cold, hyung?”

“No, I'm not. But not everyone is like you - I get hot after I throw up.”

“Really? Because last time you had the stomach flu, you were complaining that you were freezing and took all of our blankets to warm yourself up, even though you had a high fever too.”

“I..” HimChan tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “Your body doesn't always have the same reaction to being sick - this is a different type of sickness, anyway. I got sick from food, not from a virus.”

JongUp sighed as he realized that if he didn't use the bathroom soon, his bladder was going to explode. “Sure you did, hyung..” He moved closer to the toilet before looking at HimChan over his shoulder. “I need to pee. Close the door, will you?

HimChan complied, happy to finally escape his dongsaeng's interrogation. The kid was a lot sharper than he gave him credit for, and it terrified him. Did he actually know or was he just taking an educated guess? More to the point, how had he found out? Had he really been that careless that it was easy for B.A.P's most 4D member to find out so easily?

The visual's head was pounding again, this time not from mounting nausea. With a sigh he walked to the member's shared bedroom and crawled into his bed, ignoring curious looks from DaeHyun and YoungJae who were laying on the floor watching a movie.

Once completely covered by his blankets, HimChan felt tears spring to his eyes and he let them fall against his sheets, choked sobs being swallowed by the pillow.


	4. Scene 4

YongGuk rolled out of bed after another night of not being able to sleep. His confrontation with his dongsaengs still weighed heavily on his conscience. He had made them worry yet again, despite all of his attempts to make them think that he was okay. He had known since the moment that his grandfather had died that he would never be alright again. He had lost the most important person in his life - the one who had raised him and cared for him when his parents were too busy with work.  
  
He loved his grandfather like a dad and had respected him deeply. His loss had carved out a piece of YongGuk's soul that still left a burning sensation in his throat every time he tried to think about it without crying. He missed his grandpa and had still been unable to visit his grave after the funeral. The guilt of not being man enough to face his pain still tore at his heart anytime the image of a plain tombstone with bundles of flowers scattered across it popped into his mind.  
  
Sadly, it wasn't just his grandfather's grave that YongGuk had been avoiding. It was the house where he had grown up - where he had spent many nights on his grandfather's lap as he listened - and for the earlier years of his childhood, not speaking as his grandpa told him stories of when his mother was a child his age. It was also where his grandmother had remained after he husband's death. She hadn't had the heart to depart from the place that she had lived with the love of her life, and Yong hadn't been able to blame her.  
  
YongGuk had been avoiding the house like the plague after the funeral. He missed his grandma dearly and that only added to his pain and self loathing at not being able to face going back to Incheon to see her. But the talk with the younger members had jarred something inside of him and the oldest member of B.A.P now realized that regardless of what his heart felt, he really had no choice at this point but try to face his surmounting depression. If he didn't, he could only guess that he would talk himself back into that dark corner of pain, and he would attempt suicide again. He could never face being the cause of his dongsaengs worry.  
  
That's why he got out of bed, his mind on autopilot as he stripped out of his sleeping clothes and slipped a gray hoodie and dark sweatpants on, shivering slightly against the cold air as it touched his momentarily bare skin. His dark eyes landed on the sleeping faces of his five dongsaengs and he sighed. He had to do this for them, despite the agony that visiting Incheon would surely cause.  
  
He wasn't telling them where he was going - he knew that they would want to come with him for support. He had to do this alone. He realized that might be his natural tendency to shoulder burdens by himself talking, but he didn't want company nonetheless.  
  
Mentally berating himself for not once again retaking his driver's test when it was suggested to him, YongGuk carefully began sneaking out of the bedroom that he shared with the members, grabbing his phone off the nightstand as he gently shut the door behind him.  
  
It was a short walk to the subway station - something that for once, Yong was secretly grateful for - he could use the extra time to ground himself. Despite the fact that driving would be much quicker and more convenient, he didn't really believe that he was in an appropriate state of mind for keeping a car on the road. Not to mention the fact that rain was coming down in rapid bursts and the risk of hydroplaning was something that scared him half to death every time HimChan drove him somewhere in the rain. The “mother” of B.A.P had a nasty tendency to curse when and only when he was driving in rainy weather.  
  
After a few moments of walking with his head down, relying only on his sense of direction to lead him the way he needed to go, YongGuk heard the familiar noise of trains sliding down wet and rusty tracks, and he knew that he had reached the subway station that would take him back to Incheon.  
  
YongGuk lifted his head up warily and walked into the underground station, his wet shoes creating trails of water across the linoleum floor of the building. The atmosphere of the room was stuffy, making it even more difficult for him to breathe. Or maybe the nervousness he was feeling was making his chest close up, cutting off his flow of oxygen.  
  
It was in that moment that YongGuk realized that he was in fact hyperventilating. The Leader leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. He slowly sank to the floor and pushed his head between his knees to try and block out the dizzying spinning his head was doing. His head ached and his stomach felt like lead - he felt like he was going to die. But really, did that matter much? Wasn't that what he wanted more than anything at this point? So what if he was finally, mercifully even, getting his wish?  
  
YongGuk made no effort to control his frantic breathing. Instead, he sat on the cold floor of the subway station, no longer fighting as memories of his grandfather flashed in and out of focus. He saw himself and Yongnam when they were maybe six years old, running around the house after a rainstorm similar to the one today, their tiny and muddy feet creating streaks of dirt across their grandmother's freshly mopped floor.  
  
Their grandma had not been happy and had threatened to take away Tigger from YongGuk, much to the not yet vocal child's displeasure. Instead of allowing his wife to torment the boys further, believing their obvious guilt to be punishment enough, their grandfather had taken his two young grandsons and thrown them into a bubble bath. He had taken extra care to scrub the grime from their feet to avoid further messes.  
  
YongGuk felt tears prick at his closed eyes as he realized that his grandfather wouldn't be here to protect him this rainstorm, or the next. He was gone, away from this world and into one where he felt no pain. Once again the young leader felt guilt and shame for wishing that his grandfather would come back to this world filled with suffering and war, just so that he could spend a few more moments with him.  
  
As much as he wanted that to happen, he knew that only getting to spend a few more minutes with him wouldn't be enough to close the gaping hole in his heart. If anything, it would make the wound more jagged, and encourage his need to die to join his grandfather.  
  
YongGuk pressed a hand to his mouth and bit it forcefully to stop the gasping. He wouldn't cry here. He wouldn't allow himself to break down before he had faced his grandmother - he just had to be strong for a little bit longer.  
  
He jumped as he felt something brush across his shoulder. Startled, YongGuk grabbed with his free hand and barely registered it as his cold hand gripped something warm. He slowly opened his red-rimmed eyes and was met with the soft gaze of an older man with a kind smile. “Hey, son.. you don't look so good. Are you feeling alright?”  
  
YongGuk nodded his head slowly as he released the stranger's hand. He expected the man to leave, but instead he noticed that the same hand he had just released was now being held out to him. Understanding dawned on YongGuk who gripped the offered hand tightly and allowed himself to be hauled to his feet.  
  
He swayed slightly on his feet due to the lightheaded feeling near hyperventilating had caused him. He felt a surprisingly strong grip on his arm. “I've got you, kid, try to walk to one of the chairs against the wall.”  
  
YongGuk allowed himself to be led in the direction of what he assumed were chairs, but he closed his eyes against the subway station that was rapidly turning. He felt himself being pushed into a sitting position, then there was a hand on his back, rubbing smooth circles through his rain-drenched jacket. “Damn kid, are you naturally this pale? You look like you're going to be sick.”  
  
Yong laughed slightly for the first time in days. “Just having a hard time breathing.”  
  
The man chuckled sarcastically. “You say that so casually. Do you have asthma or something ? I can call an ambulance if you're going to need one.”  
  
YongGuk shook his head, though that proved to be a bad decision on his part when the room resumed its incessant spinning. “I'm fine. I just got lightheaded and had to sit down.”  
  
“You're not on drugs, are you?” came the slightly joking reply, to which Yong huffed out a forced laugh.  
  
“No sir.” YongGuk finally met his gaze. “I have a feeling that you're not leaving until you know that I'm not going to keel over dead, though.”  
  
The ajushi grinned and leaned back in his seat. “See, you're catching on. So let's start with this - what's your name? I'm Leehyun if you wanted to know - don't worry about honorifics or anything.”  
  
Yong nodded and held out his hand for Leehyun to shake. “I'm YongGuk.”  
  
Leehyun's eyes widened in slight shock. “What's your family name, YongGuk?”  
  
“Bang.” came the confused reply. Yong couldn't really understand why his family name would be significant to a stranger, but he went with it anyway. However, when he met Leehyun's gaze, he realized that it had every significance to him.  
  
“You don't remember me, do you? It's been years - damn, the last time I saw you must have been when you were what, seven years old? Your grandfather brought you to work with him - you and your twin brother and older sister I believe.” Leehyun's eyes were lit up and Yong stared at him, waiting for further explanation. “I worked with your grandfather when he taught at the martial arts school in Incheon.”  
  
YongGuk stared at him in shock as the old man before him morphed into a younger version that he could remember. His mind wandered back to his grandpa's days teaching tae kwon do at the dojo a few minutes down the road from their home. He also remembered his grandfather's partner, the one who fought with him to demonstrate to the students how to properly use the techniques that they were being taught.  
  
He realized that he was now looking into those same dark eyes, so many years later. Yong felt the tears behind his eyes again and he blinked against them, desperately fighting to regain control over his emotions. He felt a hand on his back again. “I heard about your grandfather, son. It's alright to cry.” Leehyun wiped a hand across his face to help him regain his own composure. “Hell, I still want to cry. The last time I saw your grandpa was a few days before he died. I didn't even realize that he was sick.”  
  
Yong bowed his head. “I wasn't home enough to realize it in time.” Guilt took hold of his heart again and he felt his breath quickening. He suddenly felt like he was going to pass out.  
  
“YongGuk, son, you need to calm down.” Leehyun gripped Yong's shoulder tightly. “I”m an EMT - I was serious about calling you an ambulance if you needed one.”  
  
YongGuk let out a slightly choked laugh. “You- you're an EMT? How did you go from a martial arts instructor to saving people?”  
  
“I know it's a weird change in jobs, but after the dojo shut down, I had a change of heart and decided to go get my certification. Didn't really have anything else to do and this worked - I've been doing it ever since.” He took a deep breath and readjusted his position on the uncomfortable subway seat. “But that's beside the point - what are you doing here, anyway? It's storming like the heaven's are going to collapse down on us, and you just strolled in here all alone.”  
  
Yong bit his lip and looked at the floor. “I was going to head to grandpa's house to see grandma... I haven't been back home since the funeral.”  
  
Leehyun nodded sympathetically even though YongGuk wasn't looking at him. He glanced at his watch and made a decision. “Alright. Let me drive you to Incheon - the next train isn't due for another hour and I wouldn't trust you to get there on your own if you remain in your current condition.”  
  
YongGuk wanted to protest, but he knew that from the way that his knees almost buckled when he stood up that his grandfather's old friend was right. He was in no condition to be alone, so for once, he decided not to fight it as Leehyun laid a guiding hand on his back and led him to his car.  
 

* * *

It was only a few moments into the car ride that the gentle breeze pooling in through the open windows of Leehyun's car that YongGuk found himself falling asleep. He knew that he shouldn't fight it - he was almost positive that he hadn't been getting more than three hours of rest a night in the last week, and that was beginning to drain him physically as well as mentally.  
  
Even with that realization, he found himself gazing out the window, watching as slightly familiar buildings and landmarks zoomed by. They were about fifteen minutes out from Incheon at that moment, and YongGuk knew that falling asleep now would do him no good. He sighed deeply as he pushed himself into a sitting position, running a hand through his black hair in the process. Noticing that he was awake, Leehyun held out a bag of chips to him and YongGuk stared at them in confusion. “I figured you might be hungry,” Leehyun said by way of answer. “If you don't want them, just tell me.”  
  
YongGuk grabbed the bag from the older man and gazed at the package, not really seeing it. He couldn't remember the last time that he had eaten by this point. He had a feeling that it was probably the night of his confrontation with the rest of the band when Zelo had given him an angry glare when he noticed his leader moving his dinner around the plate rather than eating it.  
  
It had to have been at least three days since that meal if the days weren't blending together on him again. Sometimes he had a hard time keeping up with how much time passed - other times he just didn't care enough to know.  
  
He realized that he should be starving, but the thought of the chips didn't make him feel the slightest bit hungry. Despite not having the least bit of desire to eat the offered snack, YongGuk pulled open the bag and grabbed a small potato chip before popping it into his mouth.  
  
He didn't taste it. He hadn't really been tasting any food that he put in his mouth for a long while - he simply ate it for survival. Sensing Leehyun's gaze constantly switching from him to the road, YongGuk continued to shovel the chips into his mouth until he had eaten all of the food in the little bag.  
  
He couldn't say that eating had made him feel better, but he didn't feel any worse so he wasn't able to complain. Leehyun coughed to catch the younger man's attention and YongGuk slowly moved his sleep deprived gaze to his traveling companion. “So what have you been doing for the last few years? Last I heard you were hell bent on basketball. Did that ever pan out for you?”  
  
“I'm the leader of a band - B.A.P,” YongGuk replied casually. “Before that, I was a member of an underground group called Soul Connection. I still play basketball every once in awhile, but I never made it my career.”  
  
Leehyun grabbed his phone and used one hand to continue holding the wheel. He scrolled through something on his phone before sitting it back down in the cup-holder. Seconds later YongGuk heard his own voice blasting through the phone's speakers - it was his solo song featuring DaeHyun, “I Remember”.  
  
Leehyun chuckled as he heard the same gruff voice that he had heard a few minutes before in person singing through his phone. “That really is you, isn't it? I don't know how I didn't put the pieces together before, but I hear it now. You've got talent, kid.”  
  
“Thanks for that,” YongGuk replied honestly as he began lip-syncing the first song that he had released under an official company. He let a small smile appear on his face as Daehyun's familiar voice began exploding through the phone. Leehyun whistled in admiration when he heard the singer's voice and YongGuk's smile turned into a grin.  
  
“That kid has talent too. Who is he - a member of your band I'm guessing?”  
  
“Yeah. Name's Jung Daehyun. He's the band's lead singer - the third oldest member of the group.”  
  
“Third oldest, eh? How old is your youngest? I'm guessing twenty-one at the least.” Leehyun couldn't have been further off and it made YongGuk laugh. Their maknae was nothing more than a multi-talented teenager - a few years away from adult status.  
  
“His name is Junhong, but he goes by Zelo. He's seventeen - won't be eighteen until closer to the end of the year.”  
  
“Ouch. He's still a kid then. Must have been hard leaving his family at such a young age. I'm guessing that you all take pretty good care of him, though - keep him in line.”  
  
“You would think that we'd have to keep him out of trouble, but Zelo is a really responsible kid. He listens to the older members well and has gotten really mature in the last few years.”  
  
“You sound like a proud dad. Are you the oldest of the band?”  
  
“Yeah - I'm twenty-four. About a month older than the second oldest of the group.”  
  
“It seems like you're pretty close to your members. I'm surprised that none of them are with you - I'm sure if they had known the situation at least one of them would have offered to come. I'm wondering why they didn't.” Leehyun cast YongGuk a conspicuous glance and could see the guilt written clear as day on his face. “I'm guessing that you didn't tell them where you were going. If I know anything about friends, I'd suggest that you check your phone. They're probably flipping out by this point because no one has heard from you.”  
  
YongGuk sighed and slid his phone out of his jacket pocket. It was off as expected - he had cut it off the night before so that it would charge faster. Holding his breath as the sleek smart phone came to life, he mentally prepared himself for the barrage of messages and missed calls that he was sure to receive once his phone was on. Sure enough, as soon as Leehyun's car passed by a tower with cell tower reception, YongGuk's phone began vibrating incessantly. Leehyun smirked slightly but kept his eyes on the road.  
  
Yong slid his finger across the screen and his received text messages flashed across the screen. The first one was from YoungJae.  
  
YoungJae 11:07 a.m  
_“Hyung, where are you? When we woke up you weren't in the bed, and Manager Kang-hyung says he hasn't heard from you..”_  
  
The messages from the other members and even the CEO and mangers were similar in urgency and confusion and YongGuk felt more guilt build in his heart, but he couldn't apologize for leaving without telling them. He still needed to face his pain alone, without his member's acting as a pillow to lessen the fall. Despite that, he couldn't help but compile a group message to send out to all of the people worried about him.  
  
YongGuk 12:01 p.m  
_“I'm alright. I'll be home in a few hours, you don't have to wait up.”_  
  
His finger lingered on the send button for a moment before he finally slid his hand across the screen, allowing the message to instantly be sent to his band and crew. Sighing deeply, YongGuk cut off his phone again to silence any further messages of concern from the band. Leehyun sighed as he heard the tone that signaled that YongGuk had shut his phone off again. “I don't know what's been going on with you, but I get the feeling that your band-mates want to help. Why won't you let them?”  
  
“I'm fine. There's nothing that they need to be worried about.”  
  
“Yeah, and I'm a famous actor. As much as we might wish something to be true, that doesn't mean that it is. You don't think I can't see the haunted look in your eyes every time I look at you?” Leehyun took a calming breath as he turned the vehicle around a turn. “I'm an EMT, son. You don't think that I've watched people die and thought that I could have saved them? You have the look of someone who blames themselves for something that was completely out of their control. Don't ask me how I know - its instinctual to someone who has spent the last few years of their life having to realize the same thing I'm telling you now.”  
  
YongGuk was saved from having to answer when an all too familiar house came into view, causing the leaders breath to catch in his throat. Leehyun noticed that they were almost at their destination and slowed the car's speed to a near halt before stopping near the sidewalk that led to the old house. Leehyun gave Yong a small wink before pulling out a card from his wallet. “I meant what I said, stop blaming yourself before it eats you alive, kid. Call me if you ever need me.” he handed Yong the card.  
  
YongGuk took it and gave Leehyun a small - but genuine, smile. “Thanks, Leehyun,” he muttered before climbing out of the vehicle and watching as his grandfather's friend drove away into the misty afternoon.  
  
He was left alone. This is how he had wanted it, yes, but he hadn't realized what the word meant until he was standing on a path that he hadn't been on in nearly two years. His grandfather had lived in the house that was just within his view for most of his life, and now it was devoid of his presence, and YongGuk had never felt so lost.  
  
Steeling his nerves and his heart, he began walking up the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets, a feeble attempt to warm them up. Of course he wasn't stupid - he knew that he wasn't shaking that hard just because he was cold. He was nervous and afraid of facing his grandmother - he hadn't been home in so long, had barely called, and had refused to accompany her to her husband's grave. He hoped that she understood, but he couldn't find it in himself to believe that she could possibly forgive him.  
  
His heart felt like it was going to break through his chest and his throat was closing up as he climbed the first stair, then another. His hands were shaking harder and his vision was already blurring with unshed tears. Dammit, why couldn't he be strong for a little bit longer? On some days he could completely numb his emotions to the point that he felt nothing, but today, on the day that would prove useful, he was already near tears and hadn't even walked to the front door.  
  
YongGuk felt himself falling apart at the seams, but by that point, he was already nearly on the porch. The moment that he walked up the second to the final step, he was hit by flashbacks of being chased down those very same stairs by his grandfather when they were both younger, and evidently healthier. Before age had caught up with his grandfather before his very eyes and slowly, but surely drained the life out of his hero.  
  
He remembered the last time that he had been home before his grandfather's death. He thought back as hard as he could, knowing that the only thing he was really doing was torturing himself. Had his grandpa's smile been strained, or had that twinkle in his eyes really been just a bit duller?  
  
He was now standing on the porch, his hand barely grazing the support rail. If he slipped and fell backward, there was a chance that the impact would kill him, granting him a quick end to his mental anguish. The thought crossed his mind but before he could even consider acting on it, the door to the house opened, and his grandmother was standing in the doorway.  
  
“YongGukie?” her voice was uncertain as it often was when she was trying to figure out which of her grandsons that she was addressing. YongGuk lifted his head up at the sound of his name, and the old woman rushed forward, encompassing him in a tight embrace. The tears that he had been fighting finally began trickling out of the leader's eyes, despite his desperate attempts to swat them away.  
  
It took him a moment to realize that his grandmother's shoulders were shaking as well. She was crying - the strongest woman he knew, someone who he could only remember seeing cry a handful of times, was crying freely into her heartbroken grandson's already rain soaked jacket. Yong held the woman who had raised him tightly against him before resting his head on top of hers. She was so much smaller than he remembered - she had always been a slight woman whose height barely reached up to his chest, but he could never remember her being so thin. Perhaps he wasn't the only one who had stopped taking care of themselves after the loss of someone that they had loved so greatly.  
  
“Nana..” He began, not trusting his voice. He took a tentative step back and began scrutinizing her tear streaked face. She looked the same as he remembered, if not just a bit more tired and worn. He supposed that living alone after so many years of living with her husband and grandchildren had done that to her. Her grief had drained her of the last of her youth, while it had drained YongGuk of his joy and desire to live.  
  
It took her a moment to respond, and YongGuk began to wonder if he had spoken too lowly for her to hear.  
  
“Where have you been, YongGuk?” The reply was low and sad sounding, and YongGuk found himself feeling guilty once again. He had been away for far too long with little calls back home. How could he tell her that he had been avoiding home because of the very reason that she had wanted him to visit?  
  
“I've been working on my music, Nana.”  
  
“If guessed as much, but I wouldn't know for sure when you don't ever call or come home and tell me how you're doing. I see YongNam and Natasha more than I ever do you.”  
  
YongGuk bowed his head. “I know. I'm sorry.”  
  
His grandmother reached forward and brushed her fingers against his eyes, wiping away the tears that were pooling. “I don't care about that now. I'm just so glad that you're home.”  
  
“It's... strange to be back here. It feels different - like the atmosphere has changed.”  
  
“That's because it's missing your grandfather's presence. He was the light of this place, and without him, its dark. The air is suffocating at night.”  
  
Yong nodded after a moment. “I figured as much, I guess I was just afraid to say it.”  
  
“You've been afraid to do a lot, haven't you?” His grandmother shook her head slowly and looked at the ground. “You could have at least called more. I can understand not being able to come home more because of your work, but you could have called me. You don't think I don't know why you decided not to come with me to visit his grave?”  
  
  
YongGuk just stared at the ground in shame. His grandmother took his hand gently and pulled him into the house. The first thing that registered in YongGuk's mind as he entered his childhood home was how utterly _cold_ the place felt. It wasn't necessarily warm outside, but it wasn't freezing cold, either. He rubbed his arms silently as his grandma fumbled around the living room, searching for something.  
  
After a moment she came towards him, a black box in one hand and an envelope in another. She handed both to her grandson with a soft expression on her face. YongGuk sat on the couch and carefully opened the box, his curiosity getting the better of him. What he found made his heart stop.  
  
His grandfather's watch, a sleek gold watch with a digital face was laying in the box, in the same condition as YongGuk had last seen it. Only, the time had stopped, and the numbers on the face only added to the racing of his heart. The numbers read 4:44, and YongGuk's blood ran cold.  
  
The number 4 represented death. His grandfather had died, and he was suicidal. With shaking hands, the leader tore open the enveloped and recognized his grandfather's neat handwriting.  
  
_'YongGuk, by this point, your career has taken off nicely. Your grandmother and I see you on the television sometimes, and we're proud of you. The only thing is, we miss you too. You don't come home a lot anymore - I know that you're busy pursuing your dreams, but we're still your family, and we want to see you. You could even bring your band-mates over - we'd love to meet the people who have joined your family. I'm not angry at you for not coming home, I just hope that I taught you well enough that you realize that your job isn't more important than who you were before. Come home soon, son. We love you.'_  
  
Tears threatened to escape the leader's eyes as he stared at the paper in his hands. He hugged his grandmother quickly, and she noticed the expression on his face - he didn't have to explain to her that he was leaving. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek as he stormed out of the house, shutting the door behind him.  
  
He sat on the front porch and pulled out his phone, quickly turning it on. He pulled up YoungJae's number and hit call, waiting for the younger member to pick up. He did on the second ring, and his voice was frantic.  
  
“YongGuk hyung? Where are you? We've been texting you for hours, but you only responded once. Never mind that, are you okay? Do I need to call for help?”  
  
“No, I'm fine. But.. can you come in get me at my grandma's house in Incheon? I'll text you the address.”  
  
“Sure,” Youngjae muttered uncertainly as he heard the low tone of his leader's voice. “But are you crying, YongGuk?”  
  
YongGuk hadn't realized that he was in fact crying again until he had it pointed out to him, but sure enough, hot tears were streaming down his face and leaking onto his jacket, blending in with his grandmother's tears and the rain. Despite knowing how smart that YoungJae was when it came to knowing he was being lied to, Yong sighed. “I'm not crying, I'm just a bit cold so my voice sounds weird because I'm shaking.”  
  
“Okay hyung. Text me the address and I'll be there as soon as I can.”  
  
YongGuk muttered a response and ended the call, then quickly texted the address to YoungJae's number. After a moment he pulled the watch out of his pocket, glaring at the angry numbers as he allowed tears to stream from his eyes, for the moment not having the strength to wipe them away.


	5. Scene 5

Pain. That was the first thing that registered in Jung Daehyun's mind as he slowly blinked open his eyes and came to awareness. His throat _hurt-_ it felt like it was on fire, smoldering and burning all the way up. He coughed to try to relieve some of the burning sensation, but that only made the pain worse. He gasped and grabbed his throat, fighting the tears that sprang to his eyes. He had never been in so much pain before - it was overwhelming to the point that he curled up on the bed and closed his eyes, praying that the agony would just go away.

  
It wasn't long before he felt something touch his shoulder and he opened his eyes. He was met with YoungJae's concerned face hovering above him. His best friend's brow furrowed as he noticed the pain in Dae's expression. “Daehyun, what's the matter?”  
  
Dae tried to speak, but no words came out. Terror took over as his hands fumbled for his phone on the nightstand. Jae grabbed it for him and pushed it into the obviously panicked Daehyun's hand. The singer quickly typed up a message to the younger member before handing him the phone.  
  
 _'Throat is killing me. I can't talk.'_  
  
Jae's eyes widened and he nodded before quickly leaving the room. Dae sat up on the bed and tried to sing a note, but no sound came out. He held his throat when the burning intensified from the strain, once again finding himself fighting tears. Dammit, what was wrong with his voice?  
  
A moment later Jae came back into the room closely followed by Manager Kang. Kang sighed when he saw the obvious pain that his charge was in. “Daehyun, get dressed. I'm taking you to the hospital.”  
  
Dae nodded before jumping out of bed, fueled by intense fear. What if he could never sing again? He pushed the fear out of his mind as best as he could, but it kept coming back, terrifying him. He had to be able to sing - what use was he to the band if he lost his voice? He wasn't as skilled of a dancer as JongUp - they wouldn't keep him around just for his dancing ability. The only thing that he had to offer the band was his voice - if he lost that, he would lose his usefulness to the band.  
  
  
He fumbled around getting clothes on, not really paying attention to what he was wearing. It took him five minutes - record time for Daehyun and that scared Jae who had seen the entire ordeal more than anything. If Daehyun was that worried that he got dressed twice as fast as he normally did, then there was something really wrong.  
  
Dae gave him a look and Jae could see the fear in his eyes. Losing his voice had the singer more on edge than Youngjae had ever seen him. His throat tightened when he realized that for the first time in their friendship, he didn't have the words to reassure him.  
  
He tried anyway of course, though he had the feeling that his words were falling on deaf ears. "Dae, it's not like you've never had problems with your throat before - it hurts all the time after you strain it. You always get better."  
  
Dae typed a message on his phone and Jae felt his pocket vibrate. He raised an eyebrow at Dae who simply shrugged before retrieving his cell.  
  
 _'I've never lost my voice completely before. I.Can't.Sing._ '  
  
The message echoed the worry in Daehyun's face and Youngjae sighed sadly. " I don't know what to tell you, Daehyun. I'm sure that you're going to be fine. Don't worry too much and just concentrate on getting well."  
  
Dae closed his eyes and nodded, not having much more choice. He would just have to wait until he knew what the doctor's diagnosis was before he could freak out.  
  
The manager was standing beside the door when he made it to the living room. With throat burning and on the verge of a panic attack, the singer followed Kang out to his van.  
 

* * *

“I'm sorry to tell you, Mr. Jung, but it's looking like your problem is being caused by damage to your mucous membrane, most likely due to the strain on your vocal cords from the high notes you perform.” The doctor gave the singer an apologetic look as he scribbled something down on his clipboard.  
  
Daehyun's eyes widened. He had heard of this type of issue - he was sure that he had heard that Onew from SHINee had been diagnosed with the same illness and had to have surgery performed. He had been mute for three months and had almost quit the band, despite his position as leader.  
  
Seeing the palpable worry on his patient's face, the doctor gave him a gentle smile. “Don't worry too much. We caught it in the earliest stages, so I have high hopes that you'll be able to sing again, and sooner than you might think. To fix the problem, we'll have to perform a surgery, and there will be a recovery period - speaking will be difficult during this time, if not impossible. If you are able to speak, we definitely advise against it unless it's absolutely necessary. If this isn't obvious, you won't be able to sing, but can still attend dance practice.”  
  
Daehyun coughed into his hand and winced slightly. The doctor filled a cup with water and passed it to Dae who took it gratefully. The cold water slightly soothed his raw throat, giving him a moment of relieve. “H-how long will the recovery period be?” Dae managed to choke the words out, his voice sounded shaky and weak, nothing like it normally did. He didn't recognize his own voice, and it terrified him.  
  
“At least a month. Maybe a bit more, giver or take. It really depends on how well the surgery goes, and if there any complications. You'll be in the hospital for a few days afterward for monitoring, but other than that, you'll be sent home fairly soon with a list of things to watch out for and do during your recovery. The main thing here will be that you get rest, and don't strain your voice like you just did. If talking hurts as much as I think it does, it's better to write it down or use your phone.”  
  
Ignoring the doctor's concern, Daehyun sighed and forced himself to keep talking, despite the burning of his throat. “When can you do the surgery?”  
  
“I'm not very busy today. I know its short notice, but we could go ahead and get it taken care of so that we don't have to schedule you for some far off appointment that would allow your condition to worsen. I'll leave it up to you and your manager of course, but in my professional opinion, there will be no better time than today. Excuse me, I'll give you two some time to talk, while I go make the necessary preparations just in case you do decide to go ahead with the operation.” and with that the doctor walked out of the room, leaving Daehyun and Kang to sit in the room with an awkward silence filling the emptiness.  
  
Kang was the first to speak. “I sort of figured that this was coming, Dae.”  
  
“Why did you think that?”  
  
“Look at how many times you came home after practice barely able to talk? It was like you constantly had strep throat, only it wasn't. I thought it was just a strain, I didn't realize that it was causing something that would require you to have to have surgery.”  
  
“About that...”  
  
“You have to have it, Daehyun. And honestly, it couldn't come at a worse time, but you can barely talk, let alone sing. We need to go ahead and get it done, I'll convince Tae-Sung to delay the comeback. I want you to have this surgery today, Dae.”  
  
Dae let out a small sigh. “Do I have any say?”  
  
“Of course you do, but do you really want to wait it out until it gets worse? It would be smart to go ahead and  get it fixed.”  
  
“I guess you're right. Call the members. I don't want to have some surgery and them not know what's going on.”  
  
“I will. Tell the doctor you want to go ahead with the operation. I'll take care of everything from here.”  
  
“Thanks, Kang.”  
 

* * *

“Yah, Youngjae. Something came up that we didn't expect.” Kang's voice was low as he spoke into his cellphone, his back to the open door of the hospital room that Daehyun had just been wheeled into.  
  
“Is Daehyun alright?”  
  
“Yes and no. It isn't life threatening, but he's going to have to have some sort of surgery on his throat to correct the issue.”  
  
“What? What kind of surgery? More importantly, when is he having it?”  
  
“First of call, calm down. Second, I don't know all of the details - I didn't understand all of the medical terms, but I know it's some sort of reconstruction surgery. He's having it today, as in right now. They're about to anesthetize him.”  
  
“WHAT?” Youngjae yelled through the phone, instantly making Kang pull the phone farther from his ear and wince. “Why didn't you call me sooner?”  
  
“In my defense, I just found out. The doctor asked if we wanted to do it today to prevent the problem from worsening. It was the best option.”  
  
“Ugh, okay. Does the director know?”  
  
“No. I really want to keep it that way. He won't be happy because we're so close to the comeback. But Daehyun won't be able to sing for a month or more - he'll barely be able to speak. He sure as hell won't be able to do his high notes. That means that -”  
  
“I can't do high notes like Daehyun.”  
  
Kang sighed. “I know that. I don't think anybody can do notes like him, but you're going to have to try. It'll be hard, but we'll pay for some tutoring from a vocal coach. Your voice isn't the problem - it's your vocal power. You sing low while Daehyun sings high. You're going to have to learn how to do both.”  
  
Youngjae laughed bitterly. “Is it that simple??”  
  
“No. Believe me, I never said that it would be easy. But that doesn't mean that you don't have to at least make an attempt.”  
  
“Can't JongUp do it?”  
  
“JongUp and Zelo are both working on choreography for the comeback - they're swamped with that. And before you ask, HimChan's voice is too deep to do the notes that Daehyun does.”  
  
“So there's really only me?”  
  
“I'm afraid so. Just give it a try - if it absolutely isn't happening, we'll figure something out. Try not to worry too much.”  
  
“Can Dae talk?”  
  
“Barely, but I'll give him the phone.” Kang walked over to where Daehyun was sleeping on the bed and tapped his shoulder lightly. The singer's eyes fluttered open before closing in a wince as his throat burned again. Kang handed him the phone and took his place back at the door, waiting for the doctor to return.  
  
“Hello?” Daehyun's voice was hoarse and shaky, making Youngjae's chest tighten as he realized how sick that his best friend really was.  
  
“Hey Dae, how are you feeling?”  
  
“Do you want me to lie?”  
  
“It would probably make me feel better, but no.”  
  
“Then I don't feel great, Youngjae. I've never been in so much pain.”  
  
“Are you scared?'  
  
“Never been more scared. I don't want to fail the band, and I know that I'm putting more stress on you because I won't be able to do my parts. You're going to have to try to go completely out of your vocal range and strain your voice like hell. I'm so sorry , Jae.” His voice wavered at the end, and YoungJae didn't have to be there to know that his friend was close to tears.  
  
“Hey, don't worry about it. You're going to be back in no time to take over. We'll be fine.”  
  
“Yeah, I know. Anyway, are you bringing everybody up here? I don't think they'll want to stay home.”  
  
“One step ahead of you. I'm about to wake YongGuk up.”  
  
“Is he okay? He looked.. sick when you brought him home last night, he didn't say a word and wouldn't eat dinner. I'm worried about him.”  
  
“Something happened, but he wouldn't tell me what. And he's nowhere near okay. He hasn't eaten that I know of in three or four days. He's malnourished and if he doesn't look any better today, I'm sure that the doctors around the hospital will want to have him admitted.”  
  
“How's the umma?”  
  
“I'm worried about him too, Daehyun. He came back into our room last night two nights ago while we were watching that movie, and went straight to bed. He didn't even put the food up - he never leaves it out, does he?”  
  
“He was probably just tired. Didn't we have a schedule that day?”  
  
“Yeah, but I could have sworn that I heard him crying, but it was muffled by his blankets. Plus JongUp said that he was going to the bathroom, but he was gone for a really long time. He came back a few minutes after HimChan and looked really upset, but he wouldn't talk to me either when I asked him yesterday. I think he knows something, he just doesn't want to tell me what.”  
  
“He tells Junhong everything. Do you think we should corner the maknae and get it out of him?”  
  
“I don't know. I would rather wait and see if we can get JongUp to tell us himself - I don't like making Junhong go behind his back.”  
  
“I guess you're right. Anyway, my throat really hurts. I don't think I can keep talking for very much longer, plus I think that they're going to put me to sleep soon. Tell everyone not to worry too much, okay?”  
  
“I will.” Youngjae sighed as he fought down the worried feeling settling over his heart. “Oh, and Dae?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.” Daehyun disconnected the call and rested his head back against the pillows before sitting Kang's phone on the nightstand. Twenty minutes later, the doctor came back into the room and gave Daehyun a small smile.  
  
“Are you ready to get this over with?”  
  
“I guess I have to be, right?”  
  
“True. Just relax and take a breath - I'm going to put the oxygen mask over your mouth and anesthetize you. You'll feel a little prick - shouldn't hurt too much. You'll start feeling drowsy within minutes, so don't be alarmed if you don't feel like yourself. It's completely normal.” he pulled the mask over Daehyun's head and cut the machine on, then on the count of three, he plunged the needle into Daehyun's arm. The pain was slight and Dae merely blinked.  
  
Five minutes later, he felt like he was floating, and after that, he felt nothing. 


	6. Scene 5 pt 2

Daehyun was released from the hospital three days after the surgery. His throat ached from the incisions, but the burning in had went down immensely. His vocal cords, however, had not recovered, as expected to make it painful and near impossible for him to speak. As far as singing, he hadn't even tried, for fear of bringing the intense pain back.

  
For the next two weeks afterward, YoungJae had been spending nights in the recording studio, trying to learn all of Daehyun's lines that he would have to take over during Daehyun's recovery. He was frustrated with his progress or lack thereof. No matter how many exercises that he did with the vocal coach, the power of his voice never improved, and the coach was beginning to fear that he had reached the limit of his ability.  
  
  
It upset Daehyun seeing the immense stress that his absence put on his best friend's shoulders. That was what led him to make his way to the recording studio where YoungJae was laboring, determination fueling his movements. He would sing again - he wouldn't allow a surgery to take away from him what he loved, nor make it a chore for YoungJae.  
  
He pushed open the closed door of the recording studio forcefully, interrupting whatever note that YoungJae had been singing. The younger member jumped when he heard the door open and spun around, instantly being met with Dae who was standing directly behind him.  
  
“Daehyun, what are you doing?”  
  
“I came to see you. You're running yourself to the point of exhaustion trying to perfect my lines.”  
  
“I'm fine, Dae.” even as he said that he knew that he was lying when he swayed on his feet, causing Daehyun to place a hand on his shoulder to steady him.  
  
“When's the last time you ate or slept?”  
  
“I've been in here since.. wait, what time is it?” Daehyun eyed on the watch on his wrist.  
  
“7:45.” YoungJae bit his lip, and Daehyun glared in response.  
  
“Yoo YoungJae. How long have you been in here?”  
  
“I woke up at around 3 and couldn't go back to sleep.”  
  
“Jesus Christ Jae, I hope you mean pm?”  
  
“Nope..”  
  
“Dammit.” Daehyun cursed lightly as he shook his head. “Come on, I'm taking you out to eat meat, on me. Then you're going to sleep, got it?”  
  
“Fine.” YoungJae sighed sadly before giving DaeHyun his best puppy dog look. “But can we ask YongGuk and HimChan to come? I'm honestly worried about them by this point. HimChan's barely eating and I haven't see YongGuk eat in a week.”  
  
“Yeah, we can ask them. But don't get your hopes up that they'll say yes. We know what happened last time we confronted YongGuk-hyung about his eating habits.”  
  
“I know, but we still need to try.”

* * *

“No thanks, I'm not hungry. I'll swing by and pick up something if I get hungry later.” Leader Bang gave his two dongsaengs his signature gummy smile, even though it didn't reach his eyes. They could tell that there was no joy in the expression - just a bleak sorrow that he couldn't fully cover up. Even through his darkest days, it was obvious that he was trying to appear strong for his members who knew him too well and could see straight through his weak facade.  
  
YoungJae huffed out a breath, a bit too forcefully, causing the leader to raise a dark eyebrow.  
  
“Is something wrong, YoungJae?”  
  
“It's nothing. Just promise me that you'll eat something sometime tonight? Please hyung.”  
  
YongGuk swallowed the lead in his throat and nodded slowly. “I promise. Hell, go ahead and pick me up something if you want. I'll heat it up later tonight.”  
  
“Ramen?” Daehyun questioned knowingly with a wink.  
  
“You know it. Shrimp flavored is the best, but I'll take beef. Thank you two.” YongGuk smiled again, a more genuine one than the two members had seen on his face in weeks. They gave their leader a wave and said a quick goodbye before heading in search of their next oldest hyung. As soon as the two were gone, YongGuk let his face fall sadly. Not even the promise of ramen, his favorite food, excited him anymore. He really was losing his will to live.  
 

* * *

“Hey, HimCham-hyung!” Daehyun called as loudly as his voice would allow. The visual of B.A.P looked up from his phone and shifted his head in his dongsaeng's direction from his position on the living room couch.  
  
“Yah?”  
  
“I'm taking YoungJae to eat. Do you wanna go with us?” HimChan's face visibly paled and he swallowed with some obvious effort.  
  
“I actually already ate. I'm not hungry right now.” Flashbacks of leaning over the toilet with the water running to muffle his incriminating sounds ran through his mind and he forced them down, trying to not look as guilty as he felt.  
  
"What did you have?" Daehyun questioned, his voice slightly accusing.  
  
"Some chicken that needed to be cooked before it expired."  
  
Youngjae shook his head. "I checked the fridge this morning, there wasn't any chicken in there."  
  
HimChan looked away from his dongsaengs penetrating gaze. "It was there, you just didn't see it. I'm telling you that I've eaten. I'm not hungry."  
  
"You're sure that you don't want us to get you anything?" Daehyun a voice was pleading, but HimChan shook his head no anyway.  
  
"I'm positive, but go ask the maknaes. They haven't eaten dinner yet - they're outside practicing their routine since Youngjae was in the studio."  
 

* * *

"Hey, Junhongie and Jonguppie." The two looked up at Daehyun's call, curiosity lighting their eyes.  
  
"How's the routine going?"  
  
"Good. We just haven't started the back bend part we were talking about. I'm not sure if I'm flexible enough yet. We're going to start with me bending back a little bit at a time."  
  
Youngjae snorted, covering his face with his hand to muffle his laughter. "You'd be great in limbo"  
  
"JongUp's short and flexible. He'd be good at it too - he can just walk right under." Daehyun smirked, even though JongUp knew that he was kidding. The dancer just shook his head and made a face.  
  
"You're not that much taller, Daehyun."  
  
"I know. Anyway, we're going to the restaurant down the road to eat. Do you guys want to go?"  
  
"Only if you're paying, hyung." Zelo towered over Daehyun, leaning towards him, acting like he was trying to intimidate him. Daehyun pushed him away and grinned.  
  
"I think dinner's on the maknaes tonight."  
  
"He's kidding. Let's go eat - I'm ready to go to sleep." Youngjae murmured, pushing the two youngest members in from of him.  
 

* * *

The four were seated in the restaurant moments later, enjoying their meal. Daehyun had the takeout ramen for Yongguk sitting on the table beside him.  
  
The four members ate in relative silence until Youngjae noticed that JongUp seemed to be picking at his food rather than eating it like he was distracted by something.  
  
"Are you not hungry, Jonguppie ?"  
  
Jongup looked up and blinked a few times before moving his gaze back to his plate and eating a piece of beef. "Sorry, I'm fine. I got distracted."  
  
"By?"  
  
"It's nothing."  
  
Daehyun sighed before leaning forward and making JongUp look directly into his eyes. The younger member held his gaze, uncomfortably shifting in his seat but refusing to look away. Daehyun leaned back and looked away, instantly making him relax. However what Dae said next made him tense all over again. "JongUp, you know what's wrong with HimChan, don't you?"  
  
JongUp jumped, his elbow slamming into Zelo's side, making the younger drop his chopsticks. JongUp recovered and apologized to Zelo. Daehyun stared at him with eyebrows raised, taking the whole ordeal as a sign of immense guilt.  
  
JongUp pushed his chair back and stood up quickly. "I'm going to the bathroom." He muttered before walking away in the direction of the restroom.  
  
Daehyun turned his gaze to Zelo who had pushed his plate away and was now guiltily staring at the table in front of him.  
  
"Junhongie, has he told you anything?"  
  
Zelo shook his head, still not looking at his hyung. “He hasn't told me anything.”  
  
“He tells you everything.”  
  
“He hasn't told me anything about HimChan.” Zelo finally looked up and glared angrily.  
  
“So you really don't know anything?”  
  
“I really don't.” Zelo looked at the table again, trying to hide his guilt. Daehyun sighed when Youngjae gave him a look that told him to drop it.  
  
“Okay, fine. But if you decide that you really do know something, don't be afraid to tell me, alright? Go ahead and finish your food - we need to get back to the dorm soon.”  
 

* * *

Later that night, after Daehyun had arrived back at the dorm with the other three members, he had made sure that Youngjae went to bed, then had headed straight for the practice studio and shut the door. He knew that he really shouldn't, but he couldn't help but try and sing a few familiar high notes, the ones that normally came so easily to him.  
  
His voice sounded choked and strained, but he found that with some difficulty, he could still make the same noises. It was a struggle, but after a few hours, he was able to sing the notes at a near perfect pitch, like he used to. The only problem was that his throat was on fire. He had forgotten to take his pain medicine that morning, and it was biting him in the ass now.  
  
He continued singing until he heard the door to the practice studio open and he paused, turning around slowly. YoungJae stood in the doorway, a furious glare on his face.  
  
“What the hell are you doing, Daehyun?” he questioned, his voice rising to nearly a yell. Daehyun blinked in minor surprise at his best friend's anger.  
  
“I was practicing. I needed to make sure that I could still sing like I used to.”  
  
“But you still have what, two weeks before you're supposed to even _try_ singing again? Are you trying to hurt yourself, Dae?”  
  
“No, but I'm tired of seeing you working yourself to the ground trying to do my job. Why are you trying so hard anyway?” Daehyun took a step closer, his gaze penetrating YoungJae's. “Did the director say something to you?” YoungJae flinched and he knew that he had hit the nail on the head.  
  
“I'm not getting any better, Dae. I can't do high notes like you can. The director came last night before you came to take me to eat. He told me that he's going to quit paying for the vocal coach because I'm not getting any better, and its a waste of his money. I told him that he should just push the comeback to a later date, but he told me that it would take too much money. He's going to try and make you start singing regularly again.”  
  
Daehyun's draw dropped. He was going to try and make him sing high notes again full time when he was nowhere near fully recovered after a major vocal cord surgery? “You can't be serious. Doesn't he realize that I just had surgery?”  
  
“That's the thing. He does realize it. He says it's your fault for going ahead with the surgery without giving him any warning beforehand.”  
  
“It's my body and I wanted to go ahead with the surgery so it didn't get worse. What was I supposed to do?”  
  
“I don't know - I argued that. He just got mad and left.”  
  
“The director is a fucking idiot.” Daehyun shook his head in complete disbelief and outright anger. How stupid could the director of the company really be? He had _heard_ what the doctors had to say about the severity of Daehyun's condition, but still he wanted to force him to sing before his voice had fully healed? It was bad enough that he already wanted to speed up his recovery time for his and Youngjae's sake, but to think that the director was going to try and force it out of him?  
  
“Yeah, he is. But there isn't much that we can do about it. There's nothing that we can do - even Manger Kang tried reasoning with him, but he threatened to fire him. His hands are just as tied as ours.”  
  
“So what does Tae-Sung plan to do? Kick me out of the band if I can't perform to his standards?”  
  
“He didn't say. I don't think he would go that far, my guess is that he'll steadily start docking your pay until you're desperate enough to come back.”  
  
“It's not like we're paid anything, to begin with.” Daehyun snorted dryly and Youngjae sighed.  
  
“I'm sorry.”  
  
“You don't have anything to be sorry for. You've tried your best, I know that. We _all_ know that. So don't put yourself down, okay? You're a great singer, you're just not meant to specialize in high notes.”  
  
“I guess. But you put so much faith in me. Everyone put faith in me, and I let everyone down. Maybe I'm the one that should be kicked out of the band.”  
  
Daehyun's eyes widened and he shook his head vigorously before grabbing Youngjae's face  and tilting it upwards, forcing the younger singer to look into his eyes. “Don't ever talk like that. Ever. None of us deserve to be kicked out of the band, most definitely not you.” Daehyun's eyes softened as he saw some of the doubt in his friend's eyes begin to dissolve. “Your position in the band should never be in question. You should know by now that if they want to kick one of us out, then we'll all go.”  
  
Youngjae smiled slightly as he wiped at the tears that had begun gathering in his eyes. “I know, but thanks for reminding me. It really helped, Daehyun.”  
  
“No problem, it's what I'm here for. Anyway, why are you up already? You just went to sleep.”  
  
“YongGuk-hyung had a nightmare and started yelling. I don't know what it was about, but I've never seen him look so scared. He told me that he was fine, but I don't believe him at all. JongUp and Zelo were worried about him, but I couldn't tell them that hyung was okay. That's just another thing that I feel completely powerless about.”  
  
“Doesn't it seem like every time YongGuk-hyung goes to sleep, he has a nightmare or something? That's probably why he's been trying to avoid going to bed.”  
  
“It's killing him. I hate to say that, believe me, I do, but it's true. He's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not really doing _anything_. Sometimes, I think he's barely living - he's just going through the motions on autopilot and it's terrifying me.”  
  
“Yeah, me too. But I don't know if there's really anything that we can do to make it better. We could try to convince him to get psychiatric help, but that would probably just piss him off. He stopped going to his scheduled visits after the suicide attempt as it is.”  
  
“Do you really think that everything is just going to blow over and magically get better? I think we're kidding ourselves, Dae. We're in way over our heads with all of this and I don't know how long our ship is going to keep floating before it sinks.”  
  
“Well, when our Titanic does sink, we're just going to have to make sure that we have enough lifeboats to keep everyone afloat, right?” Daehyun gave Youngjae his signature smile, even though the younger singer noticed that it didn't quite meet his eyes. Youngjae hit Daehyun's arm lightly at the historical reference but found himself smiling despite himself.  
  
“There weren't enough lifeboats for everyone on the titanic, you know,” Youngjae muttered offhandedly, causing Daehyun's smile to grow wider.  
  
“I know. But we're going to rewrite history and get everyone safely to shore. We're going to make history.”  
  
“That's a cliche line, but I really like it. 'Together, let's make history' sounds like a good song lyric. We should use that sometime.” Youngjae allowed himself to relax slightly, his conversation with his closest friend helping to alleviate some of the stress that he been weighing him down for weeks.  
  
“I'm sure we will. Now let's go to bed- we have vocal practice tomorrow and we need sleep.”  
 

* * *

“Daehyun, your voice is off-pitch _again_. I suggest that you correct this issue it as soon as possible or we're going to have some serious complications.” Tae-Sung cast the lead singer a furious glare, one that Daehyun returned in tenfold.  
  
“I _apologize_ Tae-Sung hyung, but I'm still recovering from a major surgery that directly affects my throat and vocal cords. I can't exactly sing at my normal pitch without agonizing pain just yet.”  
  
“How long was this damn recovery period supposed to last in the first place? If I had it my way you would have started singing the day after they released you from the hospital.”  
  
“Well, you would have had even more disappointing results. I could barely make a sound right after I got out of the hospital, and now two weeks later, I'm still not back to my normal self. Do you really think that trying to force it out of me is a smart idea? The doctor told me that if I strain my vocal cords too much before I'm fully healed, then I'll permanently damage my voice.”  
  
The vein in Tae-Sung's forehead was bulging and YongGuk's face hardened as he stepped in front of Daehyun before casting him a reassuring smile that completely contrasted with how he had looked at the company director. “He's right, he's still recovering from surgery and I know that you heard it just as clearly as the rest of us that Daehyun's throat could take upwards of a month to recover fully. It's barely been two weeks, so the fact that he can't sing like usual isn't his fault. If the blame has to be placed somewhere, I think it should be on your shoulders.”  
  
“ _My_ shoulders? How in the world is his failure as a singer my fault?”  
  
“Why do you think that he had to have surgery in the first place? You were making him sing high notes that exceeded his vocal range since day one, simply because you wanted to see how high his voice could go without damaging it. Well, you've found your answer but it came with consequences that you didn't want. That's not Daehyun's fault at all. It's yours, Tae-Sung.”  
  
“Regardless of that, he shouldn't have had any sort of operations s to his throat or vocal cords without consulting me beforehand.”  
  
“Oh, and why is that?”  
  
“He's under a contract!”  
  
“I'd love for you to show me where in Daehyun's contract that it gives you permission to tell him that he can't have operations on his body when medical doctors have diagnosed him with a condition where surgery is needed.” YongGuk's voice was rising, which was a rare occurrence in itself. The leader almost never allowed his voice to raise in anger, instead opting to demonstrate his rage with very select words and actions. Tae-Sung flinched slightly. “No agreements of Daehyun's contract were broken, and you'd be lying under oath if you told a judge that they were. I wouldn't advise that, but if you want to cause unnecessary problems, go right on ahead.”  
  
Tae-Sung seemed to find his voice again and his face flushed as his temper exploded violently. “I won't be talked down to like I'm some fucking mongrel in the streets. You will respect me as the founder of this band, or you won't _have_ a band. I can always find new talent and train them - it will be nothing more than a mere inconvenience. Daehyun has two more days to rest and allow his voice to recover and no more. If he cannot suck it up and be a man, I will find a new lead singer. I'm being generous giving him two days, considering that he's been laid up for two weeks as it is and his inadequacy has been  holding up the comeback for the new album. I assure you, Mr. Bang, that your insolent behavior is unappreciated and any further disrespect on your part might just set me on the path of acquiring a more compliant leader."

YongGuk was visibly seething and his eyes could have burned holes through metal, but even with the absolute fury he was feeling, there was nothing he could do, nothing that he could say to change the situation. Tae-Sung gave the band one final scathing look before walking out of the open door, letting it fall closed with a loud bang.  
  
As soon as he heard the door closed, YongGuk's fist connected with the wall of the dorm and he hissed in pain, suddenly realizing the stupid mistake that he had made. The members were behind him in an instant, frantically checking on their leader to make sure that he was okay. It was too much for Bang to handle - too many worried people at once, and little to no way to communicate to them that everything was going to be okay without  completely lying to them.  
  
“I'm going out. You five can go home - we'll practice later. Don't let what just happened bother you too much, okay? We'll work everything out when the time comes.” and with that, he walked out the same door that Tae-Sung had previously exited out of.  
  
All of the members tried to take his words to heart and not worry, but it was impossible. There was no way that they could stop worrying, especially when the situation showed no signs of resolving itself without intervention. The older four tried to keep a brave face for their maknae, none feeling quite ready to let their youngest experience the coldness of the real world, but little did they know that he had already experienced it far more than any of them would have liked to admit.


	7. Scene 6

Fear could cripple the strongest armies and make the toughest of people collapse under pressure. Bravery was a characteristic often sought out but was rarely truly achieved. Choi Junhong was brave, or at least that was what he wanted to allow himself to believe, but when he had seen Tae-Sung and YongGuk arguing with each other, he had felt genuine fear for the first time since debuting with B.A.P. His fear came from how angry that the leader had been - it had been obvious that his rage went far deeper than the surface suggested and wasn't simply limited to the recent issue of Daehyun's condition. It only served to make Junhong wonder if he was being kept out of the loop, not being permitted to see the bigger picture of what was really going on behind closed doors. He was young, but he wasn't naive - he was aware that YongGuk had disputes with the director of their company often, but the two had always seemed to manage to find a common ground. However, this time Zelo had seen another side of his normally peaceful leader - a side that suggested that he was sick and tired of dealing with the director.  
  
As soon as the two men had left the practice studio, Zelo had released a breath that he hadn't realized that he had been holding. He wasn't relieved in the least, but some of the tension in the room had evaporated when they'd gone, allowing the suffocating feeling to abate. For a few minutes after, no one had seemed to know what exactly to say, least of all Daehyun who was obviously still fuming, but clearly trying to contain his anger so that he didn't undeservedly unleash his rage on one of the members.  
  
The silence was near unbearable, and Zelo felt like he was going to go insane - someone had to say something, _anything,_ to lift the funeral-like quiet that the studio had been plunged into. The maknae's heart was racing, and suddenly he began feeling light-headed and dizzy. He didn't know why, but the entire ordeal that he had witnessed had him on edge and panicked - he was worried about YongGuk who had stormed off without warning but more than that he was worried about the band's future, and what it would mean for them if Daehyun physically wasn't able to fulfill the director's order for him to start singing again.  
  
Zelo could hear his heartbeat roaring like the ocean in his ears, and it blocked out all other noise surrounding him. He wanted to cry, to scream out to his hyungs to save him from the darkness that was now obscuring his vision. Zelo felt like he was losing touch with reality and had nothing to ground him to awareness. He had never been surer that he was going to pass out in his entire life, even during long soccer practices and even longer and more strenuous concerts.  
  
Zelo barely registered it as he was pushed down, presumably into a chair. His back collided with something solid, but the contact did nothing to distract him. A moment later, he felt a firm pressure on his shoulder and tried to focus on what it was, but soon found that he was still unable to. The realization brought a fresh wave of anxiety that left him reeling, desperately hoping for it all to be over quickly.  
  
The only thing that broke through the chaotic state that his mind was in was the soft muttering of someone's voice. Zelo couldn't distinguish whose it was or understand the words being said due to the deafening pounding in his ears, but he focused on it regardless, having come to the conclusion that if he could still hear the outside world around him, he wasn't fully gone and could still ground himself to reality.  
  
Gradually, the voice became clearer and Zelo was able to identify that it was Himchan who was commanding him to breathe. Zelo did, and the fog surrounding him began to slowly evaporate. He blinked rapidly a few times and was met with a concerned Himchan standing close by him. Upon realizing that the maknae was beginning to return to awareness, the older member passed him a brown bag that Zelo simply stared at in confusion. "Breathe into it. You're nearly hyperventilating."  
  
It was then that Zelo realized that his breathing was in fact extremely heavy, and getting it under control would probably be his best option. He did as instructed, breathing into the brown bag and attempting to focus on making sure that his breaths were even. It took awhile, but eventually his breathing and heart-rate regulated to the point that he no longer felt that he was in immediate danger of passing out.  
  
Himchan stepped back to give him some space, as did the other members who had crowded him. Zelo glanced around the room at all of them before sighing. “I'm okay now, I promise.”  
  
“Do you normally have anxiety attacks?” Youngjae asked with a raised brow. It was fairly clear that he didn't believe what Zelo was telling them.  
  
Zelo shook his head. “Never. You would have figured it out by now if I did.”  
  
Youngjae shook his head, laughing slightly as he gently punched Zelo on the arm. “What did YongGuk say? I remember it being something along the lines of 'don't worry too much about what happened', and you go and send yourself into a panic attack.” he was trying to lighten the mood, so Zelo smiled, even though it was the last thing that he wanted to do.  
  
Daehyun sighed and gripped Zelo's shoulder tightly. “I'm sorry that what the director said scared you. Everything is going to be fine, alright?”  
  
Zelo bit his lip and nodded. “Yeah, I guess. But shouldn't you be more scared than me?”  
  
“Tae-Sung loves to talk like he's all big and bad, but he won't take action to back himself up. He won't be able to find another lead singer with my skill level in time for the comeback - he would have to learn all of my parts in a few weeks? I don't think anyone is capable of that, and the director knows it.” Daehyun gave Zelo his signature self-assured grin and ruffled the maknae's hair gently. “So no, I'm not all that worried. And as far as replacing YongGuk-hyung, you know that he's too afraid of him to try it.”  
  
“But how are you going to sing? Your throat still hurts, doesn't it?”  
  
“Yeah, it does. I won't lie about that, but don't worry. We'll figure it out somehow, in the meantime, you just focus on getting that choreography that you're working on with JongUp down. I can't wait to see how the first dance routine you two create looks - it sounds like it's going to be legendary.”  
  
Zelo scoffed as he cast JongUp a knowing look. The older boy winked but said nothing, as was the normal occurrence with him. “I don't know about legendary, hyung. We don't even know if I'm going to be able to do the back-bend part of the dance, which is supposed to be the main hook.”  
  
“You'll do great, I'm sure of it. Just make sure that neither of you gets hurt - we're going to need both of you on that comeback stage, no?”  
  
“You're right. Thanks, hyung.”

* * *

Despite the conversation that he had with his hyungs, Zelo went home that afternoon unable to focus on anything but the conversation that he had witnessed a the studio. Would Tae-Sung _really_ try to replace Daehyun and YongGuk, or was he all talk like Daehyun claimed that he was? Zelo wasn't really sure that he wanted to know the answer, and for the first time in his life, he found himself wishing that he could slow down time to prevent the next few days from happening.  
  
Whether or not Daehyun was able to push through the pain he was in and sing for the sake of his position in the band would determine how the entire band's future would play out if the director was serious, and Zelo couldn't bring himself to imagine not having his hyungs in the band with him. It simply wouldn't be B.A.P without them, not after being together since their debut.  
  
JongUp seemed to notice his best friend's distraction, as he stopped practicing the choreography for their routine and stared at him. Zelo met his gaze and could see the concern in his eyes. He sighed and leaned against the wall of the recording studio, and JongUp followed his lead. The two sat in peaceful silence until JongUp decided that he'd had enough. “Junhong? You really don't have to worry so much. Just have faith in YongGuk that he'll figure something out.”  
  
“You want to talk about not worrying, but you've practically been ripping your hair out since you caught Himchan-hyung throwing up.”  
  
JongUp's eyes shot open and he gave Zelo a betrayed look. “You promised me that you wouldn't bring that up again if I promised to tell you.”  
  
“What does it matter now, anyway? Everything else is falling apart, so why not add another problem that we need to fix?”  
  
“Hey, don't talk like that, nothing is falling apart. Everything is going to be fine.”  
  
Zelo turned to face him with an eyebrow raised. “Do you really believe that, JongUp?”  
  
“I have to have hope, right? You can't just immediately assume that bad stuff will happen just because things seem bleak right now. It won't always be this way.”  
  
Zelo stared at the ground as a sullen thought passed through his mind. Hope, huh? He realized that he hadn't had any hope of the situation getting better. He had instantly jumped to the worse conclusion, never stopping to wish for a better outcome. It took him a moment to respond, but when he finally found the words, he quickly realized that his voice was shaking. “I don't know if I can have hope, Jong.”  
  
“Sometimes I feel like I'm losing hope too, but then I remember that life is what you make it. I know it sounds cliche and stupid, but if you expect everything to go wrong, then the chances are that they will. If you're positive and hope for the best, then something has to work out.”  
  
“I guess things can't get any worse, can they?” Zelo smiled at his logic, finally chancing at allowing himself to believe that hope would pull them through. JongUp nodded and lightly punched him in the arm.  
  
“That's the spirit. Now let's work on the dance.”  
  
“Sounds like a plan, hyung.”


	8. Scene 7

Friendship was one of the most basic human needs. The need for socialization wasn't a behavior that normally needed to be taught, it was something that you _felt_ , and knew that you needed. Yoo YoungJae was aware of that, but that had never made him any better at interacting with the people around him. In all honesty, throughout the earliest years of his childhood, he had been terrible at speaking to his peers and had spent most of his childhood and teenage years friendless. Computers had been his only friends during this time, and that had helped him gain the knowledge that he required to become known as the “brains” of B.A.P.  
  
After their debut, his members had become his best friends - his family, even. There had been the initial awkwardness, but after awhile each member had become a source of comfort for Youngjae, and he loved them all like his brothers.  
Youngjae wasn't alone anymore, something that he had never before in his life experienced. He was part of something bigger than himself with people he cherished, who shouldered the burden alongside him. His worst fear was that everything was going to come crumbling down, leaving him alone again It wouldn't matter to him whose fault it was, the fact would be that he would lose his closest friends.  
  
As depressing as that thought was, he didn't allow himself to dwell on it. As long as he had his members, he didn't have to worry about being a loner. He sighed as he thought back to his childhood, during the time that he had played with his computer all day and refused to socialize with the outside world. He supposed that it had started sometime during the time that the company that his father had worked at had run into financial issues and had been forced to lay off hundreds of workers. YoungJae's father had been one of those who lost his job, and the loss of income had put a huge financial strain on his family.  
  
His father had been forced to find work further away from home, and in the end had been unable to afford the rent on the house that they had been living in. YoungJae's mother had no choice but to take him away from his father and older brother to a house with a rent that she could afford on her own meager salary. If YoungJae had to guess, he would probably say that his fear of socialization started when he was separated from his father and brother. He had missed them greatly during the time they were apart and had nothing to fill the void of their departure.  
  
Computer games had become his coping mechanism, his way of keeping himself occupied when he missed his family. The fear of socialization had been his way of dealing with the loss - subconsciously, he had made the decision to avoid building relationships with people. If he didn't get close to anyone, then he didn't have anyone to lose. The logic was flawed, but it had gotten him through those tough times.  
  
The only issue was that he wasn't able to cut it off. Fear of socialization had become one of his character traits rather than a coping mechanism. When his father had earned enough money for their family to live together again, YoungJae had initially been awkward around his own family. After a while, the awkwardness had abated for the most part, but even his brother could tell that the close relationship that they had shared before the separation was strained, possibly irreparably.  
  
That fact had bothered YoungJae for awhile, but not long after his family was reunited, he was accepted into JYP Entertainment after a successful singing audition at his school's talent show. He was far too busy to worry about the issues going on in personal life, instead, he focused on working as hard as he could to ensure that he would debut with an idol group after his trainee period.  
  
Fast forward to the end of one year as a trainee for JYP. YoungJae had made no progress in the company and was no closer to knowing if he would ever be good enough to debut with a band. He had managed to make acquaintances rather than friends during his time at JYP, and his earlier depression towards not having anyone to share his burdens with resurfaced.  
  
On a whim, YoungJae had contacted TS Entertainment, who was looking for a lead singer for the new band that they were hoping to debut in January of the following year. After a successful audition, YoungJae was accepted into TS and began the last year of his training period.  
  
Two months before the band's scheduled debut, CEO Tae-Sung had called YoungJae in for a meeting and announced that he had recruited another singer for the band, and he would take the position as lead singer. Understanding YoungJae's hesitance towards being replaced as the lead singer, he had assured him that YoungJae was only being replaced as the lead singer due to his struggle to perform high notes. YoungJae had been relieved after that, the stress of having to work with a vocal coach kicked to the side in an instant. YoungJae would take on the position as the band's main singer and would work closely with Daehyun.  
  
When YoungJae was finally permitted to meet Daehyun, he wasn't able to read the singer at all. That might have come from the fact that YoungJae wasn't great at reading people in general, except for the fact that the statement was the opposite of the truth. During the time that YoungJae had avoided getting close to people, he had taken to observing them instead. Over the years of becoming introverted had watched the people around him and could normally get a read on the type of person that they were.  
  
Not Daehyun. YoungJae continued to draw a blank on the newly appointed lead singer, who was quiet to a fault but seemed to have this _aura_ that suggested that it was an act that he was putting up for show. Initially, YoungJae was hesitant to get close enough to Daehyun to determine whether or not his hunch was correct, but after awhile, his curiosity got the best of him and he made the first move - starting a conversation with his soon-to-be bandmate.  
  
Daehyun had turned out to be a great person, who was decidedly _not_ quiet in the least once you got to know him. The mysterious bad boy persona was an act that he put up to become more appealing towards female fans - Daehyun admitted that it was the company's idea and that as soon as they did their debut showcase, he was fully intending to drop the act and be the noisy rambunctious person that he was, even if those weren't his exact choices in words.  
  
Before YoungJae knew it, he had become friends with Daehyun, and through his relationship with Daehyun, YoungJae managed to get close to the rest of his bandmates. He had gained five brothers, five friends, five warriors to stand beside him. They were his family, his lifeline, his band.  
  
If he lost any of them, he would never be the same again. That's was why every time that he saw the pain that Daehyun was still in from the operation, or how scared HimChan looked when presented with food, or the fact that YongGuk's depression hadn't been getting better, but worsening instead, he was terrified that their titanic was about to hit an iceberg that would sink it under the murky depths of the water, never to resurface again, and with that, he would lose his best friends.


	9. Scene 8

There was a phrase that JongUp had heard consistently throughout his childhood, one that was normally directed at him. It went like this;  _'beware the quiet ones.'_ JongUp didn't particularly understand why you should beware people who choose to remain silent as he was one of those people and as far as he was aware, he wasn't aggressive or rude in the least. If anything, he thought of himself as kind and well-mannered, maybe a bit too shy sometimes, but he was definitely not aggressive enough for people to have to be wary around him.  
  
Sometimes, he wished that he  _was_  aggressive, or maybe courageous. He didn't want to start a war, he only wanted to have the power to protect those that he cared about. He loved his bandmates despite his struggle to show them how he felt, and couldn't stand to see each of them suffering through their own silent battles. It was clear that Daehyun was struggling to recover in time for their comeback despite the state that his throat was in, and the fact that YongGuk was having nightmares every night and seemed to be retreating further into himself with each passing day, and he didn't even want to think about what HimChan was doing each time that he was left alone after he ate. None of those factors were lost on JongUp, who despite his 4D personality, was actually very observing and saw much more than his bandmates wished that he could.  
  
The most recent development for JongUp to rip his hair out over was none other than the band's maknae and his best friend, Junhong. They were the closest in age, with JongUp being only a little over a year older than Zelo. The maknae didn't pressure JongUp to talk, he simply accepted him for who he was, and when JongUp decided that he was ready to speak, they carried on conversations about nothing in particular for hours.  
  
Somewhere along the line, JongUp had become extremely protective of Zelo, like all of the older hyungs had. Despite the fact that there wasn't a very large age gap between the two of them, Zelo gave off the aura of innocence that made you want to protect him and keep him out of harm's way. As he had gotten to know him better, JongUp had realized that Zelo was much less innocent than he had assumed. He was a teenage boy after all, and that was to be expected, but JongUp still found it hilarious how he could appear so sweet on camera but have such a dirty side in private.  
  
Despite his hormone influenced side, Zelo still was innocent in some regards - like how the world worked. JongUp himself wasn't much older and really didn't know much more than his dongsaeng, however, he liked to believe that he was responsible and mature enough to be included in the conversations of the adults. He was still working to convince the older members of that fact.  
  
He wasn't positive why it was so important for him to be thought of as an adult, because in reality, he wasn't ready to grow up. The only reason why he really wanted to be an adult was because he thought that he would be able to protect the people he cared about if he were older and wiser, more easily respected and taken seriously by elders.  
  
However, that notion had been crushed after he had heard the way that the director of the company had spoken to YongGuk, the oldest and most respected person in the band. YongGuk had age, wisdom, and experience, yet he had still been so easily disrespected by their superior despite his standing. It had been in that moment that JongUp had realized that age didn't earn you respect, and even if he were to magically age overnight, he still wouldn't be able to fix any of the problems that his bandmates were going through. Young or old, he had no choice but to sit back and watch as they each battled silently against whatever demon that was trying to wrestle them to the ground.  
  
JongUp supposed that his own battle was his courage or lack of it. He wanted to help his friends, no those he thought of as his  _family_ , but he couldn't do anything, simply because he was afraid to break that illusion that everything was okay. If he broke down that wall, then he would have lied to Zelo about hope being the key to making the situation play out how they wanted it to.  
  
He hadn't meant to lie, not really. He had only wanted to calm the maknae's fears to stop him from having another anxiety attack, due to the fact that the last one had nearly made JongUp have an anxiety attack right along with him because of how worried he was about his best friend. JongUp had been serious about hope playing a large part of the situation getting better, but he wondered if he had put too much weight on that one simple factor alone.  
  
He wasn't naive enough not to know that hoping wouldn't make everything okay again. If anything, HimChan and YongGuk were probably going to have to get professional help for their respective illnesses, and Daehyun's voice may never return to the condition that it had been before the surgery became necessary. Zelo himself was showing signs of developing depression, even if he didn't realize it himself. JongUp saw everything going wrong, but had to be strong for his bandmates and keep up his 4D image so that they wouldn't worry about him as much as he was worried about all of them.  
  
JongUp was worried about YoungJae as well, though he wasn't even sure why since the singer seemed to be handling the situation well. JongUp guessed that it was due to his YoungJae's closeness to Daehyun , as the two had a similar relationship to him and Zelo. Though that thought crossed his mind, JongUp was sure that there was more to the feeling that something wasn't right with YoungJae, either.  
  
There were too many thoughts going on in JongUp's head, and not enough mental power to work through all of the questions he had. Normally, he would have consulted with Zelo when he needed to get things off of his chest, but recently Junhong had been part of the reason that his mind was clouded. He probably could have gone to YongGuk for advice, as the leader, he would have tried his best to help, but in the end, he was probably who JongUp was the most worried about.  
  
HimChan was someone who JongUp normally would have trusted with his life, but that had changed that night after finding his hyung in the bathroom. JongUp was far from stupid, and  _knew_  without a shadow of a doubt, that he had been lied to by someone he trusted. He could understand why HimChan was lying, but he just wished that the umma had enough trust in him to confide that he needed help. But there was also the slightest possibility that HimChan was in denial, and still didn't believe that he needed help. JongUp wasn't sure what scared him more, but he didn't want to think about it long enough to give himself a headache.  
  
JongUp had been getting those a lot lately. Headaches or more like migraines were becoming his frequent companion. More often than not, they were accompanied by bouts of nausea that left him feeling physically and mentally drained. There wasn't a doubt in the dancer's mind that his condition was being caused by stress, but there was nothing that he could do to stop it if the situation continued to go downhill.  
  
So far the headaches and nausea hadn't affected his dancing, so he guessed that for the time being he could cope with it until it began posing a problem. When and if that happened, he promised himself that he would go to manager Kang for help, rather than burdening one of the other members - Junhong included, with something that he felt was minor.  
  
He might not be able to have the courage to stand up and fight for his members, but if there was one thing he could do, it was to ensure that he didn't make any of the member's problems worse, even if that meant causing trouble for himself. JongUp wasn't courageous, but if there was one thing he was, it was selfless. 


	10. Scene 9

Shit, he really hadn't thought this one through. Kim Himchan sat in an expensive restaurant, surrounded by his five band mates and their manager, all the delicious, fattening foods that you would expect a five-star restaurant to serve lining their table.

  
The food smelled delicious, and he was hungry, but he wouldn't, no couldn't eat. Even if he didn't force himself to throw up, his body would do it for him, and he was not in the mood to spend an hour hugging the toilet.  
  
Himchan could feel JongUp's eyes on him, observing his movements, challenging him to continue not eating. It was clear that the dancer had a good idea of what was going on with his hyung.  
  
Himchan released a harsh breath before casually reaching for a piece of chicken on the plate closest to him. He made a big show of dipping it in the sauce and forced himself to guide the chopsticks to his mouth. The chicken was good, but even if it had tasted awful, it wouldn't have mattered, Himchan would have made it come back up either way.  
  
JongUp nodded slightly. It wouldn't have been perceptible to anyone else unless they were watching for it like Himchan was. To Himchan, in that moment, that barely noticeable gesture meant everything.  
  
That nod meant that JongUp was satisfied, and wasn't going to tell the other members his secret - at least not at that moment. Himchan forced himself to eat a few more pieces of chicken. He ate until he felt sick, which honestly, never took too long.  
  
When the churning in his stomach began, Himchan cast JongUp a pleading look. JongUp raised an eyebrow but said nothing. He continued to eat, refusing from then on to look Himchan in the eyes. Himchan stared at the table, willing his upset stomach to calm down.  
  
He tried to ignore the thought that he had eaten. He didn't need to eat because he was already fat, and had plenty of weight on him already to keep him alive for a while - fat people didn't starve to death. Why couldn't JongUp understand that he was only doing this for the sake of the band?  
  
Himchan was going to be sick. There was no way around it, for one reason or another, he always ended up not being able to keep anything down. There was nothing that he could do about that; the food was coming back up, but he could buy himself enough time where he could purge in secret. At least that was his plan - having anyone else in the band suspicious of him could end up having dire consequences.  
  
Himchan pushed his chair away from the table as calmly as possible. Zelo and Junhong turned in his direction, casting him worried looks that Himchan couldn't help but think looked just a little suspicious. Even Youngjae and Daehyun were eyeing him with concern that made his stomach churn more. Did everyone already know, was he being secretive for nothing?  
  
"Himchan, is something wrong? You're getting pale." Manager Kang's expression showed no suspicion, and his tone was nothing but concerned. Himchan realized that, but he couldn't help but feel like with each look that the manager shared with the other members, they were discussing him silently with their eyes.  
  
He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. "I'm fine, I just need to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute. " Himchan didn't wait for a response, instead, he wove himself as carefully as possible between the throng of people waiting to be seated, apologizing as well as he could with his expressions when he ran into someone because if he opened his mouth to talk, the situation would get much messier.  
  
After what seemed like forever, but was in reality probably only a few seconds, Himchan reached the men's restroom and stumbled into a stall, barely managing to lock the door before dropping to his knees on the cold floor and retching into the toilet. Nothing came up and Himchan didn't hesitate this time to shove his fingers down his throat. That did him in and he was violently sick, causing tears to spring to his eyes due to the excruciating burning in his throat.  
  
Himchan threw up uncontrollably for several minutes, unable to stop even if he wanted to, which he didn't. He had to get all of the poisonous food out of his system, no matter how uncomfortable the process was for him. He was only able to stop for a moment when he heard the door to the men's bathroom open. He threw up again despite trying to keep it from coming up, and he wasn't dumb enough to believe that whoever had just walked in was deaf - he wouldn't be that lucky.  
  
He took a minute to compose himself before wiping his hand off with toilet paper. He flushed the toilet of his incriminating evidence and took a deep breath before unlocking his stall and vacating it. Himchan made sure not to look around the restroom - he didn't want to see whoever had just had the misfortune of uncovering his biggest secret.  
  
However, he didn't _have_ to look around, the voice told him exactly who had walked in on him at the worst possible time. “Himchan are you okay? I don't know why I'm asking because you're obviously not, but when you left, you didn't say that you were feeling sick. _”_ YongGuk's glare wasn't angry or suspicious, just concerned as he approached the younger member and placed a hand on his forehead. “You don't have a fever, but you look really sick. I came to tell you that we're going home, but I guess you don't care very much right now.”  
  
Himchan stepped away and went to the sink to wash his hands. He glanced at himself in the mirror and saw that his hair was messy and unkempt, something that would have normally pissed him off to no end. At that moment, he found that he couldn't have cared less about how he looked since it seemed like all of his efforts would be in vain anyway.  
  
When his hands were clean, Himchan turned around to look at YongGuk who was standing a respectable distance away, still watching him. “We're going home early? Everyone must be finished eating.”  
  
“Nope. Nobody was done except for me, you and JongUp I guess. Uppie has a migraine and is starting to feel sick, so we're going to head home so that he can sleep until he feels better. Now you're sick too, so I guess we would have to go home anyway.” YongGuk chuckled softly before gesturing towards the door. “We should probably go before everyone else starts thinking that you fell in. By the way, are you going to be okay? Don't need me to get you a bag or something?”  
  
Himchan shook his head, suddenly feeling guilty that his leader thought that he was just sick. YongGuk was not only his leader, but his closest friend, and he wanted nothing more to confide in him, but he was all too aware that he had his own problems to sort through and Himchan divulging his wouldn't help him at all. “I think I'll be okay - I think everything came back up.”  
  
YongGuk nodded and led the way out of the restroom and back to the other members. Himchan purposely refused to meet any of their eyes as they began walking as a group out to the parking lot where their van was waiting with Manager Kang already inside. Daehyun and Youngjae grabbed JongUp and held him back, a fact that wasn't lost on HimChan who swallowed nervously but walked forward regardless, not allowing himself to look back.

* * *

“Uppie, I know you don't feel well, but I have to talk to you.” Youngjae's tone was pleading, and it hurt JongUp to hear his normally strict and unyielding bandmate sounding so desperate.  
  
JongUp sighed and rubbed at his throbbing temple. “What do you want to talk about?”  
  
“Himchan. We all have a pretty good guess what he was doing in that bathroom, but you know more than us. You need to tell us what you know, JongUp. Himchan-hyung needs help, and if you don't tell us what you know, we won't be able to give him that help.” Daehyun was taking the more aggressive route, and if he didn't feel so bad, JongUp might have laughed at the good cop bad cop approach. However, he knew that this question was far from a laughing matter. Realization hit him like a wall - he was cornered and was going to be forced to tell his hyungs what he knew despite his strong desire _not_ to add to any of their problems, especially not Daehyun when stress might halt his recovery.  
  
JongUp bit his lip and stared at the ground. “I caught him throwing up in the bathroom a few days before you had surgery. It was after he made that stir-fry for dinner. We all ate it and were perfectly fine, so I was suspicious from the beginning, but I could tell that he was lying about it. I tried to give him some water so he could get the taste out of his mouth, but when he tried to take the water from me, I smelled puke. It was on his hand like he threw up on it, but there wasn't a mess anywhere else. The only conclusion that I could come to is that he...-” JongUp cut off abruptly, sending his hyungs a pleading look.  
  
“He made himself throw up after he ate. We understand, Uppie.” Youngjae sighed and shook his head. “He had body image issues - we all know that. I just didn't think that he had an eating disorder, but really, it makes sense. I wonder how long he's been hiding it from us?”  
  
“I'm guessing since before our debut when they recruited him. We know that he was forced to lose a lot of weight in order to debut, so if I had to guess, this was how he did it. He doesn't eat, and when he does, he throws it back up. His body isn't getting any nutrients that way because it doesn't have enough time to absorb the food. I don't know how long he can keep going like this.” Daehyun squeezed JongUp's shoulder. “I'm sorry that it had to be you to find out, Up. I'm guessing that's why you're not feeling great right now, isn't it?”  
  
“Yeah. I think I've been having headaches because I'm stressed, and that's been messing with my stomach.”  
  
Youngjae glanced towards the parking lot before turning back to Daehyun and JongUp. “We need to get to the van before everyone starts worrying. I should have some Tylenol in my bag or something for your head.”  
  
JongUp nodded and followed his hyungs to the van, wondering not for the first time since he had spoken to Zelo if hope was really the answer to all of their problems.


	11. Scene 10

“How many weeks has it been since I've put both of you in charge of creating the dance routine for the new title song? I'll give you the answer; three. You two have had three _fucking_ weeks to do something as simple as learn and create choreography. With that being said, you have the nerve to tell me that with all of the time that you've been allotted, you have nothing to show for your 'efforts'?"Tae-Sung's expression was calm, methodical even, however, his tone suggested something entirely different. JongUp and Zelo met his gaze levelly, attempting to appear unmoved, but Zelo knew that he wasn't fooling anyone - he was terrified. He had never dealt with the director without YongGuk's supervision, not that the last time that the leader himself had tried to reason with the CEO had gone well.

  
Zelo could tell that JongUp was getting angry. It wasn't in the words that the dancer said because he rarely said many, but in the way that he clenched his fist at his side and how his normally peaceful mask was beginning to falter, allowing the anger to shine through. The director was either oblivious to the change that he was causing or simply didn't care. Either way, JongUp was being pushed to his limit quicker than Zelo had ever seen him. If he didn't step in, JongUp would probably end up doing or saying something that he would come to regret. That realization was what gave the maknae the courage to speak up, turning his own angry glare onto the CEO. “We've been working on the choreography nonstop since you assigned the task to us. We have an awesome routine planned, but one of the moves that we're thinking about might be hard for me to do. We're trying to make sure that we've learned the rest of the routine before I try that move.”  
  
“Describe the move to me and I'll tell you if I think it's worth the extra time that I suppose you're claiming that it will take to perfect.”  
  
Zelo sighed as he thought of the right words to describe their routine. It was intricate and beautiful, to say the least, but describing their movements was proving to be difficult. Not to mention the back-bend portion in particular. He would have to go down slowly at first, moving only his neck back in a turtle-like fashion, then at JongUp's command, bend his back all the way down to level with the backs of his knees in one quick motion.  
  
Needless to say, if done wrong, he could end up pulling muscles in his back or possibly doing something even more damaging. Due to that fact, they had been hesitant to even attempt the move until they knew how flexible that Zelo was. How could he put that into words to the director who was already impatient with their seeming lack of progress? Unsure of what else to do, Zelo decided to try and demonstrate the move as well as he could, without actually performing it. “First, I'll bend my neck back, then do a few more times slowly, then bend my back right after. Then JongUp-hyung will hover over me and like a ventriloquist, he'll 'force' me to bend down really fast until I'm bent backward with my back level with the back of my knees.”  
  
Tae-Sung watched intently as Zelo demonstrated the move as well as he could, his curiosity sparked. “It sounds like it could be the makings of a great piece of choreography, possibly even the main event of the dance. When you pull it off, I'll forget how long it took you to perfect it.”  
  
“When?” JongUp in disbelief, his normally small eyes blown wide in shock.  
  
Tae-Sung raised his eyebrows innocently as a small smirk spread across his face. “Yes, _when_. I have no doubts that you two will practice the move and will use your utmost ability to learn how to do it in a way that is as elegant as it sounds. I'm putting my faith in the both of you, my two best dancers, to make this dance routine the most memorable one that has come from B.A.P. I'm advising you to get to it and not let me down.”  
  
Zelo shook vigorously, sudden anger making him lurch forward and grab the collar of the director's shirt. He wasn't sure where his temper was coming from, but he guessed that he was probably getting just as tired of the director as YongGuk had been that day at the studio. “First of all, we barely have the _details_ of that move down. We definitely don't know if I'm going to be able to do it one time successfully, let alone every time we sing Angel at a concert. Plus, it could end up hurting me if I try to force myself to do it and I'm not flexible enough.”  
  
“I would suggest that you let me go before I'm forced to find another main dancer. I already have enough incompetent employees in this band and I have no reservations towards replacing a third, and possibly even a _fourth_ if Himchan continues to put on weight in the way that he has been.”  
  
Zelo's jaw dropped as he released Tae-Sung's shirt and took an immediate step back. He was furious beyond belief, but that was nothing compared to the look on JongUp's face. The dancer was livid, more emotion on his face than he had ever shown before, possibly in his entire life. He pushed Zelo back and threw a punch to the director's face, connecting with his jaw and making his head snap back, breaking his neck in the process.  
  
The director slumped forward, very much dead, and JongUp stared at the collapsed figure in disbelief. He hadn't hit him hard enough to kill him! There was no way that he had really done that, there was no way that he was a murderer. JongUp fell to the ground beside the collapsed figure and threw up, feeling more nauseous than he could ever remember feeling. He had killed the CEO. JongUp had created more problems than could be solved because now he was going to be arrested, and the band would have to find a new dancer and Zelo would lose his best-friend. So much for not causing the band issues, he had just created so many more. He was a failure, he had been too weak to make things better and had ended up making them worse.  
  
JongUp's breath quickened as he heard the tell-tale sounds of police sirens rushing towards him. Slowly, JongUp moved his gaze towards Zelo who met his gaze apologetically. The maknae had his cell phone in hand his hand, which was shaking. JongUp felt hot tears streaming down his face as it finally dawned on him that he had just been betrayed by his best friend in the entire world. He realized that he could never have asked Zelo to keep that kind of secret, but honestly, he had never thought that they would end up in this kind of _situation_.  
  
JongUp shot up quickly, nearly hyperventilating. His head connected with the bunk above his own, probably jarring whoever was up above him awake. The dancer grabbed his head and fought back the tears springing to his eyes, not just because he was in pain.  
  
He no longer just had migraines to worry about. Now he had to worry about everything the director had said to them earlier that day, which is what had caused his nightmare. The director thought that Himchan was gaining weight when it couldn't have been clearer to JongUp that he was rapidly _losing_ weight because he practically refused to eat, and if he did eat, it was coming right back up.  
  
Not to mention that the director was expecting him and Zelo to get the dance routine down pat before the comeback, including the move that could injure Zelo if done incorrectly. Issues weren't getting better, they just kept accumulating. And if JongUp's dream was a premonition for anything, someone was going to get tired of the director's games very soon.  
  
Hope needed to come through before it was too late.


	12. Scene 11

According to some people, stress would lead you to an early grave. Daehyun had always thought that sentence was a little bit excessive because there were ways to manage stress to ensure that it didn't overwhelm you. At least, he had always thought that it was that simple, but since his throat surgery, the singer had realized that it was so much more complex than he had always assumed.  
  
Director Tae-Sung was expecting him to get better by the next day, to the point that he was able to sing high notes with ease and only slight discomfort. That order wouldn't have been as ridiculous if Daehyun hadn't still been on medication for the pain that the operation had left him with. There was no way in hell that he would be able to sing without flinching when he still struggled to raise his voice without tearing up.  
  
Daehyun had never thought of himself as someone who would want to run away from his problems, but that was exactly what he found himself wanting, more like _needing_ to do. His throat was on fire and he had forgotten to call in the refill of his pain medication, not to mention that it was late but for some reason, insomnia was choosing to attack him and he couldn't sleep.  
  
The first thought that came to Daehyun's mind wasn't to drink, but to eat like he normally did whenever he was stressed or upset. However, when he opened the fridge in pursuit of a late night snack, his eyes fell on the bottle of wine that HimChan kept for use in his pasta recipes when he cooked,though this bottle was unopened, apparently recently replaced. Daehyun had never been much of a drinker, having realized when he had come of age that he was a bit of a lightweight when it came to holding his liquor. Despite that, Daehyun wasn't feeling like himself - he hadn't been since the surgery. Depressed wasn't a word that was typically in his vocabulary of descriptive words for himself, but at that moment, that seemed to be the only word that truly fit how he had been feeling.  
  
It was dumb and Daehyun _knew_ it, but that didn't stop him from grabbing the bottle of wine out of the refrigerator - it wasn't a cork top so he was able to unscrew the lid quickly. The scent was stronger than he remembered and his nose twisted up at the bitter smell, though he reached into the cabinet and grabbed a wine glass anyway. The first taste was the worst, leaving the inexperienced drinker coughing and gasping for breath after he made the mistake of not anticipating the burning of the alcohol.  
  
After that, it became easier as Daehyun continued to down glass after glass of the wine. By the third glass, Daehyun wasn't feeling like himself for any entirely different reason. His thoughts were foggy and slow, not to mention that he wasn't entirely sure _why_ he was drinking by this point. Daehyun poured himself another glass, watching in confusion as some of the beverage landed on the white countertop. His coordination was off and he didn't understand _why_. Was he losing his mind? Had the surgery not only affected his throat but his brain as well?  
  
Daehyun couldn't work past the fog in his brain enough to answer the questions plaguing his muddled thoughts and frankly, it was pissing him off. He quickly chugged down the rest of the wine his glass before gulping down what was left in the bottle itself. Daehyun was still tired and in pain, now with the addition of being intoxicated. It wasn't out of a conscious decision that he threw the bottle at the wall, watching as it cracked then shattered upon contact with the hardwood floor. The desire to watch the bottle crack under the force of hitting the wall was what sparked his sudden rage. Daehyun was like the bottle; he was slowly breaking under the pressure of the demands of the company, his sanity cracking like the shards of glass littering the ground.  
  
Surprisingly, the act of throwing the bottle against the wall wasn't what sparked some form of awareness in Daehyun, rather it was the noise that the bottle hitting the wall caused. It was loud, and the shattering of the glass echoed in the room, hurting Daehyun's ears and causing him to reflexively cover them. Daehyun stared at the glass on the ground, only somewhat realizing what he had just done.  
  
The singer was still drunk, very much so - the noise nor action of the throwing the bottle had sparked any sort of sobriety in him. It was more like the blind rage that the intoxication had caused had worn off due to Daehyun using the bottle as a stress reliever and he was no longer angry, simply confused and a tad scared that he had awoken everyone in the dorm. Daehyun shot forward quickly and began picking up the shattered glass with his bare hands, the drunken state that his mind was in not allowing him the privilege of realizing that when picking up glass with your hands tended to end a person getting cut.  
  
He realized it soon enough however when he heard footsteps running down the hall in his direction. Daehyun's head snapped up and he was met with a familiar gaze standing directly in front of him, brown eyes blown wide in concern and fear. Youngjae stared down at his best friend in confusion for a moment before the scent of alcohol and blood hit his nostrils, making him recoil slightly before gazing down at the floor and finally noticing the shattered remains of the bottle that he had very nearly stepped on in his haste to get to the kitchen.  
  
Youngjae continued to stare at the broken bottle for a few seconds as if silently willing the fragments to reform into a whole via the powers of his mind. His eyes moved slowly to Daehyun who was still kneeling on the floor beside the glass, the area beside him becoming stained red as the cut that he hadn't realized that he'd gotten bled onto the wood. Youngjae was jolted into action by the red liquid. He quickly grabbed Daehyun's hands to prevent him from picking up any more of the glass so that he wouldn't further injure his already deeply cut hands.  
  
Daehyun stared at him, brows furrowed in confusion as Youngjae hauled him off of the floor, wrapping an arm around his waist to support his weight. Daehyun leaned heavily into his best friend's side, the effects of the alcohol coursing through his system making him feel dizzy and unsteady on his feet. It was then that Youngjae began the long trek to the bathroom, hauling an obviously wrecked Daehyun along with him.  
  
After what felt like hours, Youngjae opened the bathroom door and guided Daehyun onto the toilet seat before searching around in the medicine cabinet for medical supplies. After some rummaging around, he managed to find some peroxide and adhesive gauze pads. Satisfied, Youngjae grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Daehyun's hands to staunch the flow of blood. It took a few minutes, but soon enough the wounds had mostly stopped bleeding and Youngjae was free to move onto the next part of the doctoring process. He quickly uncapped the lid of the peroxide bottle and without warning, he poured the liquid over the cuts on Daehyun's hands, eliciting a pained gasp from the singer. “Sorry, I know it hurts, but just sit still for a minute while it bubbles. The glass in your hands needs to be worked out so that the cuts don't get infected.”  
  
Daehyun nodded and closed his eyes, fighting the urge to clench his fist while he waited for the burning to cease. Once the peroxide stopped bubbling, Youngjae dabbed at the cuts with a clean washcloth before aligning the gauze pads on both hands. The silence of the bathroom was overwhelming even to Daehyun in his drunken haze; the tension rolling off of Youngjae in waves was palpable and it was making Daehyun uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, " he muttered after a moment, still not entirely sure what it was that he was apologizing for, but feeling the need regardless.  
  
Youngjae stopped applying the adhesive gauze long enough to glance up at Daehyun from his position on the floor before swiftly returning to his task. "I don't want you to be sorry, Daehyun. I want you to be careful. These cuts are almost deep enough to require stitches and I should probably take you to the hospital just in case but I'm not going to because I don't know how I'm supposed to explain this to everybody who had the luxury of sleeping through the noise.” Youngjae finished applying the gauze pads, sealing them off from the air and hopefully stopping the slight flow of blood that still trickled from the wounds before sighing.“You should go to sleep Dae, I'll clean up the glass and replace HimChan's wine in the morning.”  
  
Daehyun stood up with Youngjae's help. He was about to stumble towards the door, but paused and turned back to his friend who was still standing by the sink, cleaning up the medical supplies. “What about you?”  
  
“Huh, what about me?”  
  
Daehyun narrowed his eyes slightly, as much as the blurriness of his vision would allow. “You should sleep too.”  
  
Youngjae scoffed and shook his head in annoyance. “Believe me, I would if I hadn't had to come and take care of your drunken butt. Call it an adrenaline rush, but I think I'm going to be up for a few more hours. You don't worry about me and go to sleep before you hurt yourself again.”  
  
Daehyun didn't say anything else as he stumbled out of the bathroom, leaving Youngjae to succumb to his thoughts. The singer sat on the previously vacated toilet seat with his head in his hands. Daehyun, the dork, the Busan Won Bin, had actually managed to get himself piss drunk in the short time since everyone had gone to bed. Youngjae had been awake when Daehyun had climbed down from the bunk above his, insomnia brought on by his neurotic worrying preventing him from dozing off for more than a couple of minutes.  
  
Youngjae had assumed that Daehyun had gone to get a nighttime snack, with his gluttonous tendencies, it should have been expected. However, glass breaking and rattling the walls was _not_ something that Youngjae had expected as exhaustion had almost claimed him and he'd nearly fallen asleep, only to be very rudely returned to awareness.  
  
During the years that Youngjae had known him, Daehyun had never been a drinker. When the band went out together at restaurants, and all of the legal hyungs were drinking, Daehyun had always opted for water or tea. Upon questioning and a bit of harassment from the other members, he'd revealed that he simply wasn't a good drinker, a very low tolerance making it impossible to actually enjoy drinking because he always ended up drunk.  
  
Youngjae tried to prevent the fact that Daehyun had chosen to start drinking mere days after the argument with the director in the recording studio from worrying him, however, the timing was far too convenient not to notice that Daehyun's unusual behavior had more than likely been brought on by intense stress.  
  
The worry that Youngjae felt wasn't helped in the least by the fact that during a conversation that the two friends had when they were in private, Daehyun had revealed that his father had suffered from alcoholism during Daehyun's early childhood, but had managed to stop drinking with help from a rehabilitation facility and sheer willpower. Daehyun had assured Youngjae that the reason that he didn't like to drink really didn't have anything to do with his father's past mistake, however as much as Youngjae wanted to believe him, he couldn't help but think that Daehyun had to be at least a little affected by his past.  
  
However, the factor that worried Youngjae the most was that some scientists believed that susceptibility to addiction was hereditary, and not based on the person drinking alone. That meant that if that research were true, Daehyun would be at an increased risk of suffering from alcoholism due to his father's prior habit. Youngjae didn't want to believe that Daehyun would turn into an alcoholic or even begin drinking regularly - he wished that he hadn't stayed up late researching on a night that he couldn't sleep and found out the information that was giving him gray hairs at that moment.  
  
Youngjae couldn't help but worry, even if the cause of his fear would probably turn out to be nothing; Daehyun would sleep off the effects of the alcohol, probably wake up with a pretty severe hangover, but he would not be an alcoholic - he wouldn't possibly be stupid enough to repeat the night's events enough for it to become a real issue.  
  
Youngjae tried to convince himself that he was in fact, being neurotic for no reason and overreacting, but Daehyun was his best friend, the one who made him feel like he wasn't alone when the loneliness took over leaving him feeling depressed and antisocial. As much as the two argued, Youngjae could honestly not imagine his life without Daehyun. Even if Daehyun didn't die, developing a habit such as drinking could get him kicked out of the band, which would be worse than death for him.  
  
It took awhile, but eventually Youngjae managed to calm down his worrying enough went to clean up the remains of the shattered wine bottle, smartly choosing to wear thick gloves so that he could pick up the bigger pieces without slicing his hand open and using a broom and dustpan to clean up the remaining residue. Satisfied with his work, Youngjae returned to his and the member's bedroom and stared up at the bunk above his own to ensure that Daehyun had gotten to bed without further injury. Sure enough, there was a lump under the blankets that Youngjae presumed to be Daehyun. With an exhausted sigh, Youngjae climbed into his own bed and stared up at the bottom of Daehyun's bunk, feeling completely aware despite his bodies insistence for sleep.  
  
For once Youngjae was able to sympathize with how YongGuk felt most every night; unable to sleep despite being physically exhausted and mentally drained. It was in that moment that Youngjae felt like he could really understand his leader's depression if insomnia was the obstacle that he had to constantly overcome in order to get just a few hours of sleep. Youngjae glanced across the room towards his leader's bed, using the dim light from his phone so that he could see into Yonguk's bed. YongGuk's eyes were closed and his breathing slow and shallow, his mouth agape slightly; he was asleep. Youngjae allowed himself a small smile at the realization that at least Gukkie, the one who deserved sleep the most, was seemingly having a peaceful night for once.  
  
Youngjae laid back down and the smile remained on his face- if it meant that YongGuk would be able to sleep peacefully, then Youngjae would gladly take on a few nights of insomnia in his place, even if it left him feeling drained. Youngjae would have taken on all of the members pain if it meant that his small family would be able to stay together and be healthy and happy.


	13. Scene 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N This chapter and the following chapters won't have much going on as they're meant to show character's standing with the company at this point in Overdose. Scene 14 should be the scene where things start happening more quickly. Thanks to everyone who has subscribed so far <3  
> Side note: This is another one of those things that are based on something. The camerawoman during one of the band's making of's, Warrior Japanese, made a reference to YongGuk getting burned during Warrior. http://youtu.be/etkJgkBJCmE here's the video, and the comment takes place at around 24:51. I just changed the context that it was said in and JongUp's response.

“In my opinion, it was a smart decision on the company's part not to film a scene near an open flame. I was in the crew when they first debuted with Warrior. The leader, the scary deep-voiced one, had a scene where he was supposed to hit the hood of an old car which would cause it to shoot fire on both sides of him. Somehow, he managed to mess up an easy scene and got himself pretty badly burned. He refused to go the hospital because he wanted to finish the music video because they were close to the end. Some people would call that dedication, but I call it stupidity.”

  
JongUp clenched his teeth together tightly as he listened in on the conversation that two of the members of the staff for the filming of 1004 were having. JongUp clearly remembered the day that YongGuk had been badly burned during one of his solo scenes for their debut song Warrior. The staff members didn't recognize him – he'd taken a break from filming because of a developing migraine and had gotten cold so he'd put on a hoodie. The hood was covering his head and part of his face, so the staff couldn't see that they were making the very stupid mistake of insulting YongGuk in front of a member of the band. Though he wasn't sure if it would have made much difference had they known that he was there – they were obviously petty and loved to gossip far too much to care about the emotions of other people.  
  
The dancer wanted to say something, but his migraine was getting worse and he felt sick from dancing for so long. Despite his wishes, he was going to have to sit down and take it until his migraine stopped and his stomach settled. JongUp had resigned himself to that fate until something else that the staff members said caught his attention and made his blood boil. “If he gets caught on fire again, we can just put him out with these cloths.” the staff member held up one of the rags that the band members typically used to wipe the sweat off of their foreheads.  
  
JongUp's eyes narrowed as he slowly stood up, despite his head and stomach's incessant protesting. He approached the two staff members and glared as he lowered his hood, revealing his face and along with that, his identity as a member of the band. The two women stared at him in shock before blushing furiously in embarrassment that they'd been caught gossiping. JongUp glared, causing them to shrink away from him. “You think that YongGuk getting hurt was funny? That wasn't some game, it wasn't even supposed to happen. Do you realize that he could barely move for weeks because the burns were so painful? I'd love to see the two of you get third-degree burns and then just laugh it off.”  
  
The staff members tried to speak, presumably to defend themselves, however, JongUp was having none of their pointless attempts to justify their words. “I don't want to hear what you have to say honestly. It'll probably be a lot of bullshit about how you were just joking and didn't mean anything by it, but you and I both know that's a lie. You're expecting to get paid for working for somebody and talking trash about them behind their backs. If it were up to me, you wouldn't be getting paid anything, but it's up to TS. I wouldn't be surprised if they paid you double, considering that they're just as corrupt.” JongUp promptly zipped his lips after that statement, the realization that he could have just seriously injured his relationship with the company hitting him like a rock wall. He'd known that he was angry with their company as a whole, but for the most part, the brunt of that rage was directed at the director.  
  
He had just called out the entire company of TSEnt, to two staff members who got their enjoyment in life from insulting and gossiping about people behind their backs while they sat back and laughed at the misery that they caused. There was no way in hell that JongUp was naive enough to believe that they two women would keep what he'd said to themselves, despite the fact that they'd kind of earned it.  
  
Sure enough, thirty minutes later JongUp was being called to the director's office for a meeting. YongGuk had outright refused to allow him to go by himself despite JongUp's worried protests. The leader had assured him that if there was anything that the director wanted to say something to him, then he could say it to both of them. JongUp knew that it was the leader's over protectiveness that made him insist on going, though JongUp had the feeling that it was also caused by the fact that YongGuk knew that it was because of him that JongUp had spoken out and gotten himself in trouble that made negotiation impossible.  
  
JongUp and YongGuk walked side-by-side on the way to the director's office. As the two got closer to their destination, YongGuk placed his hand on JongUp's shoulder and pushed the younger boy behind him protectively. They reached the door in a span of time that seemed to have passed by all too quickly, and JongUp found himself struggling to breathe as panic set in. The dancer still felt justified in the words that he had said against the company and the director himself, but fear of repercussions was scaring him senseless at that moment.  
  
YongGuk pushed the door open more forcefully than was probably necessary, making JongUp wince as he feared what the reaction of the director would be at the rude intrusion. However, when they stepped inside the elaborately decorated office, the director was sitting hunched over his desk, seemingly yet to realize their presence. It wasn't until YongGuk coughed loudly that the director looked up, a guarded look passing over his features as finally noticed the two members.  
  
“JongUp was ordered to come _alone_ , not with a babysitter. Really YongGuk do you trust me so little that you forced your supervision on Mr. Moon? How will he ever grow up and develop a sense of independence if you're constantly babying him?”  
  
YongGuk's eyes narrowed. “It's better for me to baby him than to have him come here alone and be ripped to shreds by you. I'd never willingly let you try and break a member of my band down. You've already gotten to Himchan and Daehyun, I won't let you get to anyone else.”  
  
“Ripped to shreds?” Tae-Sung scoffed and shook his head in disbelief. “What am I, some monster that comes out at night to torment young children who have disobeyed their parents? We're adults here, there is no point in childish games and statements, is there?”  
  
“It's not childish. You _are_ a monster, the only difference is you don't attack only at night. You rear your ugly head any fucking time you want to, with little no regard to who you're going after.”  
  
Tae-Sung's face reddened as his blood pressure rose. He slowly stood up and walked around his desk so that he was standing directly in front of  YongGuk and JongUp. His eyes bore into YongGuk's before he slowly moved his gaze to JongUp, who shuddered at the cold look and took an involuntary step back. “It looks to me that I might have to disband B.A.P because all of the members are unreliable. I know Mr. Moon's true opinions of the company that so selflessly allowed him to debut and accomplish his dreams. Apparently, our entire great organization is corrupt and I assume that he believes that I'm the root of all evil. I wonder who gave him that opinion, hm Mr.Bang?”  
  
“I didn't say anything to him to change his opinion of you. If he thinks badly of you, it's because of the things you've said or done, not any influence on my part.”  
  
“What pray tell have I done to tarnish my reputation with my employees?” Tae-Sung raised a faux innocent eyebrow and YongGuk glanced at JongUp as if debating saying anything in front of his dongsaeng. The leader's conscience won out and he sighed in resignation.  
  
“You know that Daehyun won't be healed magically by today, but you insist on trying to force him to sing even though it could damage his vocal cords even worse. Not to mention that I know you've been saying something to HimChan about his weight because he's almost completely stopped eating.”  
  
“I didn't tell him anything that he wasn't already aware of. The fact is, HimChan has a history of being overweight, and as I've told him before, you don't say many overweight idols running around. If he stays slender, then we'll have nothing to worry about. But this isn't about HimChan so please stop trying to change the subject. JongUp made a mistake that should be dealt with accordingly.”  
  
“By dealing with it do you mean scaring him shitless so that he mindlessly follows your orders? Because I'm not going to sit back and let you scare him into submission like a dog. You seem to forget that we're human and honestly I'm sick of it.” YongGuk's voice was rising again and JongUp eyed him in concern. The leader paid him no mind, his attention too absorbed by the director.  
  
“Where is all of this pent up rage coming from, YongGuk? Up until recently, I'd been under the impression that we had a healthy working relationship. I wonder when that changed so drastically?”  
  
“It's been a long time coming, Director. I don't want to say anything in front of Uppie, but you know exactly what I'm talking about so don't pretend otherwise.” There was an undercurrent of a threat in YongGuk's unusually stern voice, a fact that was not lost on JongUp. It had never occurred to him that there might be something going on behind the scenes that the other members weren't being informed of, though the way that this conversation was heading made him seriously wonder what he was missing from the bigger picture. It didn't take a genius to figure out that the director had done something to seriously piss off YongGuk, which was a difficult undertaking in itself.  
  
Whatever it was, JongUp could surmise that it wasn't a recent development — it had possibly even been going since the band's debut. YongGuk was a forgiving person by nature, causing him to hold a grudge would not be the result of one or two annoyances, but repeated transgressions would definitely set him off.  
  
YongGuk released an exasperated breath and shook his head in aggravation. “You brought us here for a reason so why don't you get on with it, Director? If you want to punish JongUp go ahead, but I won't let you threaten him. The moment something like that happens is the moment when we're going to have a serious conversation.”  
  
“Very well then. In that case, I'm left with no choice but to dock some of JongUp's expected income. I can't tell you how much that will be deducted, but I assure you that it will be enough where he remembers his place and does attempt to tarnish the reputation of TS to fellow employees in the future.”  
  
YongGuk's fist clenched at his side and his jaw stiffened. “It wasn't like we're getting paid properly in the first place. I doubt JongUp will notice a deduction in the money that he has _not_ been receiving as defined in our contracts but if that's your executive decision Mr. Tae-Sung, then I'll have no choice but to.. _respect_ your verdict.”  
  
The leader didn't wait for a response, instead, he opted to turn away from the CEO entirely and motion for JongUp to follow him. JongUp did as instructed and cast the director a final worried look before following YongGuk out of the office and allowed the door to fall shut with a loud crash behind him.  
  
He supposed that he had gotten off easy — if the disrespectful way that YongGuk had been speaking to the director showed anything, it was that the director had a history of being unfair. JongUp was silently grateful for his hyung accompanying him, because if he had decided to go alone, after all, he was sure that he would have been ripped apart.


	14. Scene 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Okay. I'm going to be honest -- I went through a spell of depression in which I didn't want to write. I didn't want to go near Overdose because it's gotten to the point where emotionally, it's far too real for me. If you haven't realized, Overdose is based on a lot of the issues I've experienced since my mom passed away in February. My mom was my best friend and though we had our problems, I loved her (and still do love her), more than anyone else. I started writing Overdose to overcome some of the emotions and saw B.A.P as an outlet for obvious reasons. So here is Scene 13 after almost a month. It could probably be better, but this is it. As I said in previous author notes, things will pick back up in scene 14 as far as plot development. We're looking at around 25 scenes total unless my outline changes in numbering once again. Thanks to all that have read so far and I apologize for the lack of action I suppose, but this is how the story is meant to be

“What do you mean deducted your pay? What pay can he deduct when none of have gotten paid since debut?” Zelo's tone was dubious as he stared at his best friend with wide eyes. JongUp simply shrugged his shoulders in an uninterested sort of way. It wasn't really that he was uninterested, it was more that he didn't feel up to debating about something that he had absolutely no control over. Regardless of what he said, the director would do whatever he wanted. Judging by YongGuk's frustration, arguing with him was pointless and would only lead to them getting angry for no reason.  
  
Zelo's eyes darkened considerably, the normally soft brown becoming almost black. “JongUp, you said that if I had hope, everything would work out. Why isn't it? I've been trying to have hope, but everything keeps getting worse.”  
  
“Hope doesn't work instantly, Junhong. If it did, what would be the point of having it? Give it some time and don't worry about it. I know you're scared, but I am too. Unlike you, I'm expecting things to get better. It makes the waiting worth it.”  
  
Junhong bit his lip and nodded slowly, obviously deep in thought. “So you're pretty much telling me to try and keep my mind occupied with other things and let stuff resolve itself?”  
  
“Yep. Trust the hyungs to take care of everything. They'll ask us for help if there's anything that we can do. If not, we need to show them that we can take care of ourselves so that they don't worry about us too. That's the best that we can do for them now until we know for sure how we're going to proceed with relations with the company.”  
  
Zelo smiled then, for the first time that day. “You're acting like you have a brain, Uppie.”  
  
JongUp made a show of tapping the sides of his heads with his fingers before allowing his face to break into a rare grin. “I do have a brain up here ya know. I just might not always use it. Don't act like you don't let your emotions rule your life most of the time — didn't you just get into a fight with Youngjae because you couldn't take a joke?”  
  
“Hey, that wasn't my fault. I can't help that I haven't stopped growing and Youngjae is short. Plus he went too far with the joke about cutting my legs off so that I'm shorter when he actually grabbed a knife!”  
  
“He wouldn't have cut you with it! Youngjae is uncoordinated — most likely scenario he'd fall and stab himself while chasing you. See? You have nothing to be worried about.”  
  
Zelo chuckled, feeling amused, only stopping when a sudden thought occurred to him. “By the way, where is Youngjae-hyung? I haven't seen him since this morning when he said that he was running to the store.”  
  
“I don't know. I haven't seen him since then either. Honestly, I haven't seen much of the older members today — YongGuk hasn't left the room, HimChan was pissed off about cooking wine or something, Daehyun's been sick, and Youngjae's been gone since this morning.”  
  
“Daehyunnie is sick?”  
  
“Yeah. He was throwing up this morning, but I don't know if it's because of the surgery or what. He was really pale, and you know that's rare for Daehyun.”  
  
“Well, we know where Youngjae is then. If Daehyun is sick, chances are that Youngjae is out getting something to make him feel better.”  
  
“True. Sometimes they're like a married couple. They fight like hell, but at the end of the day, they really care about each other. Anyway, do you feel a bit better now?”  
  
Zelo nodded. “Surprisingly yes. I'm going to do what you said and let the older members resolve things — we should stay out of the way and work on the dance routine because director Tae-Song is getting impatient.”  
  
JongUp made a noise in the back of his throat, somewhere in the middle of a grunt and a cough, prompting to Zelo to raise a brow. “Sorry. I was just remembering the last time I saw Tae-Song. I didn't even really do any talking, YongGuk-hyung did, but the entire conversation was weird.”  
  
“Weird how?”  
  
“Weird as in it was really intense. Tae-Song was all falsely calm and YongGuk was pissed, and YongGuk is almost never pissed. He mentioned something about stuff that Tae-Sung has done in the past like they've had a lot of arguments before. Hate to admit it, but I was scared. Really fucking scared. Tae-Song gives me the creeps sometimes, I'm glad that we didn't really deal with him much during trainee days. I probably would have gotten scared off and quit or tried to switch companies.”  
  
“Really, he's kind of an ass. I was scared the day that he came to the studio to talk to Daehyun, but after I calmed down, I realized that a CEO of a company shouldn't try to instill fear in his employees — we're not his slaves.”  
  
“Ha. Well, our contracts beg to differ. You know that some of the fans have resorted to calling them 'slave contracts'? and Sometimes I think that they're not far off, and that day was one of them.”  
  
“Can I be honest, hyung?”  
  
“Sure. It's not like we've exactly been secretive in the first place.”  
  
“I love being part of B.A.P — it's been the best experience of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But at the same time, it's not everything that I thought that it would be. We're not making any money, so I can't help my parents like I wanted to.” Junhong frowned, a slight crease forming between his eyes. “Actually, come to think of it, I think my parents have had to help me. Someone had to pay the medical bills when I was sick, and it wasn't me and I doubt that it was one of the members because they're all in the same situation.”  
  
“I guess you're right. We've definitely not been getting the payment that was defined in the contract — that's part of the reason that YongGuk was so mad when the director said that he was docking my pay, considering that I'm not exactly getting much pay to dock. Someone has had to front the bills, and it sure as hell hasn't been TS. The only people left would be our parents.”  
  
“The thing is, it isn't only not being able to help my parents that I'm upset about. It's the workload — we work for twelve hours straight and are given a few hours off to rest, and having someone like YongGuk with insomnia, I've seen him going back to work with only about thirty minutes of sleep. That isn't healthy and we should be given more time to sleep during music video filming and recording.”  
  
“Speaking of time, we don't get time off either. We were supposed to be allowed to go home for Christmas last year, but at the last minute Tae-Song pulled some shit about some of the scenes of our mv being messed up and in desperate need or redone. They don't really allow us to contact our families either. Remember when we first moved into the dorm and they made Manager Kang take our phones? We all had to go out and buy secret phones just so that we weren't cut off from everything.”  
  
“Yeah. I never understood that, but I went along with it. Makes me feel kind of stupid now.”  
  
“You shouldn't feel stupid, Junhongie. You were a kid and didn't want to get in trouble for not following directions. Don't worry, I understand because I felt the same thing, only I did ask YongGuk why we had to give them our phones. He didn't know but I remember pretty clearly that he wasn't too happy about it.”  
  
“I guess what I'm saying is I was too naive and trusting. I let myself get kicked around by them and there was nothing that I could do about it. Now, I don't want to feel so powerless.”  
  
“Are you saying that you want to stand up to the director? Normally you know I'd support you whatever you do, but I'm not ready to be fired or die.”  
  
“JongUp, that's exactly _why_ we need to stand up to them. If we don't, they'll keep thinking that they can do whatever they want to us. Sitting here and taking it like dogs won't do anything but let them keep caging us.”  
  
“Look, we don't have any say in what goes on right now. We're the maknae line, the members that the hyungs feel like they need to protect and look after. We're like their babies, and there is no way that they'll let us waltz into Tae-Song's office to give him a piece of our mind when they know full well what is likely to happen. If you want to start an argument with YongGuk, go ahead but I won't be there for the downfall. He doesn't get angry often but when he does, I'd rather not be in a ten-mile radius.”  
  
Zelo sighed and closed his eyes, resigning himself to the fact that JongUp was undoubtedly right. “I know, but I just hate it. I honestly fucking hate sitting back and watching.”  
  
“I understand, but the only thing that you can do is sit back and give hope a bit more time to come through.”  
  
“Alright, I'll try hyung.”  
 

* * *

Yoo Youngjae sighed in minor irritation as his eyes scanned across the various shelves of medicine in the local pharmacy. The singer was in the noblest pursuit of any sort of medication that could ease some of the hangover symptoms that Daehyun was certainly experiencing due to his run in with cooking wine the night before.  
  
Youngjae wasn't expecting to find something that would magically cure Daehyun's hangover, he was just looking for something to hopefully lessen the effects. He had learned through experience that the only thing that could truly cure a hangover was time, and maybe the help of a few painkillers and lots of water.  
  
The fact that Daehyun had been driven to the point of binge drinking was still what scared Youngjae the most and deep in his heart he still wanted to believe that what had driven Daehyun to that point was stress caused by the harsh demands of the company, however, his gut told him otherwise. If there was one thing that Youngjae had learned in his life, it was to trust his gut instincts.  
  
Lately, the issue of Daehyun's possible lapse into alcoholism wasn't the only issue that was plaguing YoungJae's mind — he was concerned about all of the members and it was weighing him down. In the short span of a few years, he had gone from the sad existence of caring about very few people, to the unexpected circumstance of having five people who meant so much to him.  
  
It scared him sometimes how much he really cared about all five of his members. He felt their pain and suffering like it was affecting him just as much as it was them, and it hurt. Since the situation with the company had started worsening a few months before, a curtain of fear had settled over Youngjae for reasons that he didn't particularly want to explain.  
  
He knew why, though, and it scared him more than anything else ever had. Though YongGuk nor the director had given any indication that this was the direction that B.A.P was going, Youngjae still couldn't shake the feeling that the only way to repair the band and company's shattering relationship would be by filing a lawsuit.  
  
Really, it wasn't far-fetched. They had every reason in the book to file a legal suit, from unfair pay distribution to impossibly long working hours and little time off, to being threatened for things that they couldn't control. Youngjae knew all too well how stubborn their CEO was. It didn't take a genius to guess that he wouldn't meet the band's demands fairly — they would have to force him to comply.  
  
Youngjae didn't want to disband. His fear and uncertainties all boiled down to that one, _crucial_ factor. If a lawsuit was filed, there would be a court battle, fighting over profits, fighting over what was right and wrong. Court battles and trials always came down to that one common point; who was right, and who was wrong. Only one side could win, and the other side would be sent home, licking their wounds and counting their losses.  
  
In the event that B.A.P _did_ file a lawsuit, there was absolutely no guarantee that they would be the victors, despite all of the issues that they had with the company. In a world governed by money, B.A.P didn't have enough cash to be convincing, and TS was practically _swimming_ in it thanks to B.A.P and the other artists signed to TS, who as far as Youngjae had heard, had also had their fair share of issues with the CEO.  
  
It wasn't fair, and it was slowly killing Youngjae, both mentally and physically. A born loner and pessimist, Youngjae couldn't convince himself to think positively — the only fact that he could focus on was that if a lawsuit was at any time filed, he could lose his brothers.  
  
Come to think of it, Youngjae realized that he had spent the earlier part of his life as a loner and even at times no matter how much he enjoyed spending time with the other members, there were moments that he needed peace and quiet far away from the rowdiness of his band. He could go back to enjoying that peace and quiet all the time, as he had before he had met the members.  
  
If he was going to avoid getting hurt when the time came, if it did come, Youngjae would have to start breaking attachments before they were forcefully snapped by possible disbandment or worse, stress-induced fighting among the members. It would be hard, and it would for sure hurt like hell, but if Youngjae was going to be broken, it was going to be by his own free will and not under the control of the company.  
  
After all, once a loner, always a loner.


	15. Scene 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N So I'm back with the next scene. :) It took awhile with this one but I absolutely love it -- there is some plot progression and a bit of action and even a bit of romance *winks* Warning: If you're homophobic, I wouldn't suggest reading this. I do apologize for the offensive choice or words to describe a gay person, I hate that word as well, though the people in this chapter using that word are meant to be hated. I fully support gay rights so as someone who is a supporter, I'm sorry. Don't worry, I hated writing them. I hope you enjoy and remember to subscribe Also, I apologize for the lack of line breaks in previous chapters. I'm a tech idiot who just now figured out how to keep my formatting. -_-

“Hey, this is G-Dragon. We don't know each other well, but I've been calling the leaders of a few bands to invite them to an event that I'm hosting tomorrow — it's just a small gathering to celebrate the release of my new fashion line. It would be great if you and your band could attend. I'll understand if you have other plans, but I want to invite you and the rest of your members regardless.”

  
“Uh, as far as I know we don't have schedules tomorrow, I talk to the CEO of my company and make sure that we're free, though. We've been pretty busy lately so it might be good for us to get out of the dorm for a bit. Thanks for the invite regardless.”  
  
“No problem. I like meeting the leaders of different bands — it lets me learn the ways that each of manage our bands, anyway, hope to see you at the party. Talk to you later YongGuk.”  
  
“Yeah, you too,” YongGuk muttered before hanging up the call, biting his lip gently as he did so. The fact that G-Dragon had found his number and called him to invite his band to a party came as a minor shock to him — there had been a misunderstanding a few years prior in which YongGuk had made a comment about GD that had been taken as a diss. He barely remembered what had gone down though he had been pretty sure that he hadn't been on the best terms with BigBang since then, though apparently he had been overreacting and had already been forgiven.  
  
Regardless of how it came to be, he was grateful for the opportunity to attend a party where other bands would be present — it would be a good time to socialize, possibly meet new acquaintances that he could do collaborations with in the future. YongGuk was almost positive that the rest of the members would be willing, if not excited, to go to the party with him, though he had said that he would have to ask so that he didn't sound over enthusiastic.  
  
The reality of the situation was that the company was tightening the already suffocating noose that it had around the member's necks and free time was becoming a scarce luxury that they could seldom seem to afford. With an invitation from a band signed to one of the “big three” companies, it would reflect on TS's reputation by making them seem rude to other companies and restricting to their employees. As true as that was, it was still best to keep it under wraps so that everything didn't fall apart. Basically, it boiled down to TS being forced to let the band attend the party or risk hurting their own reputation by making B.A.P decline the invite after YongGuk had mentioned that the band's attendance would be dependent on the permission of the CEO.  
  
In which case, the last thing left for him to was to go alert Tae-Song of his plan, which was something that in all honesty he wished that he didn't have to do.

* * *

“You're not going to a party YongGuk and that's final. We're far enough behind on preparations for the comeback as is with the way that Daehyun has been moping around and we have to get caught up or it'll come right out of the company's pockets.” Tae-Song's tone was stern and his gaze completely unwavering as he leered at YongGuk who clenched his fists tightly at his side in an honest attempt of avoiding choking the CEO until he passed out or died, whichever came first.  
  
“Ha. Maybe if money keeps coming out of your pockets, you'll finally start understanding how all of us feel when we haven't gotten paid for any of the work that we've done since debut. You wouldn't understand financial l issues because you're still getting every fucking bit of your money from our work.” YongGuk was pissed as his conversations with Tae-Song often made him, though this time, he realized that in all honesty, he didn't care if the CEO gave his permission or not. “Honestly, we don't need your approval — it's not in the contracts that you find so precious that you can control our social lives. We don't have to have your okay to go. You can take your permission and shove it up your ass.” and with that, YongGuk turned on his heel and walked out of the office, for once not thinking of the possible fallout that his rash actions might have caused.

* * *

Daehyun sighed as he peered into the large closet that the band shared. His side was seemingly devoid of any clothing that would be suitable for a party as lavish as he expected an event hosted by the fashionista G-Dragon to be, and it was frustrating him to no end. YongGuk had come into the room to tell him that they were leaving in twenty minutes and he was still standing in the room with only his pants on, various articles of clothing scattered across the floor and his bed. He was quickly running out of patience and was close to just throwing a pair of jeans and a sweater when YoungJae came into the room, tsking in disapproval at the mess that Daehyun had made while trying to get dressed.  
  
“You were supposed to be getting dressed, not throwing everything out of the closet. Half of this stuff isn't even yours — isn't that hoodie lying on the ground YongGuk-hyung's?”  
  
Daehyun glanced in the direction that YoungJae was looking and nodded. “Yeah, it is. I was looking through everyone's clothes to try and find something that would look good.”  
  
“We're going to a party, not a royal ball. Just wear something comfortable and at least a little bit presentable.”  
  
Daehyun bit his lip and swallowed his pride, refusing to meet YoungJae's eyes. “We're running out of time and I think that YongGuk is going to get impatient. Will you pick an outfit out for me?”  
  
Youngjae smirked, his near hazel colored eyes lighting up considerably. “So you're asking for my superior fashion advice?”  
  
“No, I'm asking you to help me find an outfit so that the rest of the members don't leave us at home because I took too long getting ready. Don't flatter yourself, Jae.”  
  
Youngjae didn't respond, instead, he opted to start sorting through the clothing on the floor and bed in search of something presentable for Daehyun to wear. It took a few minutes, but eventually he found a black leather jacket and sweater, as well as a pair of black jeans, ripped at the knees. He threw the garments to Daehyun who stared at them with only a moment's hesitation before stripping out of the pants he was wearing and quickly dressed in the new outfit. After checking himself out in the mirror, Daehyun turned to Youngjae with a slight smile.  
  
“Well, it actually looks pretty good if I do say so myself. I feel like something is missing, though — any suggestions for accessories?”  
  
Youngjae didn't answer as he started rifling through the pile of clothes again. A low 'aha' signaled that he had found what he was looking for and he approached Daehyun, stopping only when he was directly in front of him. He placed his hands behind his back before Daehyun could see what he was holding, causing Daehyun to release a sigh of minor annoyance. Unperturbed, Youngjae commanded him to close his eyes, an order that Daehyun unwillingly followed. Rather than feeling the cold metal of bracelet on his wrist or a chain around his neck, Daehyun felt warm cloth over his head and quickly opened his eyes, immediately swatting Youngjae's hand away.  
  
“You put a beanie on me? Now I'm going to have to fix my hair.”  
  
“Listen, it might have messed your hair up, but look in the mirror. The beanie completes the look.” With a huff of dissatisfaction, Daehyun obeyed and glanced in the mirror, surprise immediately changing the expression that the reflection of himself in the mirror was making. Youngjae was right — the beanie really brought out something in the look that hadn't been there before and it actually looked better.  
  
“Well look at that, you actually have some fashion sense.”  
  
“I have plenty of fashion sense now shut up and put your shoes on so we can leave, I can hear YongGuk yelling for us to hurry up from the front door.”  
  
For once, Daehyun didn't object and followed Youngjae out of the room, a small smile gracing his features.

* * *

Daehyun sat a table off in a corner in the large lobby of the YG company building, where G-Dragon had chosen to host his party. The music was loud and disorientating and he'd lost track of his own members hours before as they were swallowed up by the crowd of unfamiliar faces that surrounded him. He'd already had a few shots of some unknown drink — he'd told the bartender to mix him up whatever he thought was good and the alcohol was starting to do it's job and help Daehyun loosen up, though it had yet to make him completely lose the tense set of his shoulders as he hunched over his table, lightly tracing patterns into the wooden table with his finger.  
  
So far no one from another band had spoken to him and that was just fine with him though he would have appreciated it if one of his band members would find him and distract him from his own thoughts. Most of the time he was too busy to allow depression as he'd recently self-diagnosed himself with to creep up on him, but it was when he wasn't busy that his thoughts were allowed to roam to the bad going on in his life. Lingering on the stress of his life had started making him want to drink, and when he drank as Youngjae had recently revealed to him, he tended to get drunk and sadly, he wasn't the funny type of lovable drunk. No, he had to be the angry destructive kind of drunk who got himself thrown out of parties.  
  
Daehyun wasn't busy — at this point, it was the exact opposite. It was the lack of something to focus on that caused his thoughts to wonder to threats from the director and the fact that if he got sick, the costs of his medical bills would be coming out his parent's pockets. Tracing patterns on the table was doing little to calm his frantic mind, if anything, it was making him antsier. Disgruntled and no longer feeling the party, Daehyun took to listening to the conversations that the people at nearby tables were having. At first, he was uninterested and was simply trying to distract himself from his own racing thoughts. That was until he heard a very familiar name uttered from the mouth of some guy he didn't even know. It made his blood run cold as he slowly turned in the direction of the table that the name had come from.  
  
“Youngjae.” was all the Daehyun had heard of the conversation, but it was enough to make his muscles instantly tense. Some guy with purple hair was snickering as he talked to four other guys who Daehyun assumed made up his band. Though it wasn't the people that had caused him to perk up — it was what they had said that made him listen intently while trying to act inconspicuous at the same time. He waited patiently for a moment and after a little bit, his patience was rewarded, though he kind of wished that the band had been smart and remained silent.  
  
“So there are a few guys here that I think are fags — I bet twenty bucks that at some point YoungJae from B.A.P will come out as a fag. Maybe he'll be dating a member of his band by then. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if that entire band is made of cocksuckers.”  
  
Daehyun didn't think, couldn't think due to the alcohol blurring his better judgment. Despite his rage, he wasn't completely drunk to stupidity. He got up and approached the table with the intention to allow the band to apologize or explain their words, though sadly, things don't always go as planned.  
  
“Hey. I guess you don't know but I was sitting close to your table and I heard a conversation that you were having about B.A.P — I'm from that band and I don't really appreciate the comments that you made about my band, namely what you said about YoungJae. For one, I don't see how Youngjae's sexuality whether he's gay or not is any of your fucking business, and secondly, I take offense at that word itself. That comment was completely unnecessary.”  
  
Daehyun's tone was menacing despite his attempt to sound at least partially civil, though, despite the obvious anger in his voice, the purple haired guy who Daehyun was assuming was the leader stared at him with an equally fake smile plastered across his face.  
  
“You're defending him, does that mean that you're a fag too?”  
  
Daehyun clenched his fist tightly at his side, willing himself not to knock the asshole flat on his back. “First of all, I don't particularly appreciate your choice of words. Second, even if Youngjae was gay, I must have missed the memo about it being any of your fucking business.”  
  
Purple hair guy scoffed, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe that Daehyun was talking to him that way. “You know what, I've had enough of your fucking mouth. How about I teach you how to mind your own damn business so you don't get hurt?”  
  
Daehyun raised his hands in front of his chest in a defensive position, a small, devious smirk slowly forming on his face. “Go ahead and try. I'm about to make you regret that choice of words.”

* * *

“So I'm guessing that your CEO gave you permission to come?” G-Dragons's voice was skeptical as he stared at YongGuk over the rim of his wine glass. As soon as he'd invited B.A.P's leader into another room to talk, he'd grabbed a shot glass and started drinking soju. Something told GD that he wasn't drinking it for the taste.  
  
“Hardly. I told him to shove his permission up his ass and he didn't object to me storming out of his office. I'm pretty fucking sure that I'm going to be in trouble with him later but honestly —”  
  
“You don't give a shit.”  
  
YongGuk paused in the middle of sipping his soju and winked dramatically. “Exactly. Tae-Song can say what he wants but he's not going to do anything to me or the other members. If what he's really like gets out, it'll hurt his precious reputation and he wouldn't be able to live with that.”  
  
“I know what you're talking about. YG wasn't always the supportive, father-like CEO he acts like he is now. When we were trainees we weren't given much money to eat so we almost stole from our manager's room because we were so hungry. YG didn't care because we were just trainees and he had plenty of those — we were dispensable. Now that we've gotten as big as we are, we're way too valuable to him to mistreat because there are other companies who would kill to have us signed to them. He treats us like Kings now because he's afraid that we'll make good on past threats and sign with someone else.”  
  
“That's the difference, though. We've debuted — we're making him money. We aren't trainees anymore but he still thinks that he can treat us like shit. We're still dispensable”  
  
G-Dragon smiled kindly as he grabbed YongGuk's glass, a glass that the leader hadn't realized was empty and refilled it. He waited until YongGuk had taken a sip before releasing a sigh and meeting his eyes, a look completely devoid of the good-natured humor that they had held only seconds before. “That's why you're going to have to show him that you're serious. If he doesn't take you seriously now, he never will and this is going to turn into an endless cycle.”  
  
YongGuk locked his jaw at the realization of where G-Dragon's thoughts were heading. If he was suggesting what YongGuk was afraid that he was, it was going to turn into a long and drawn out legal battle that he wasn't sure that he was ready to put his band through. Deciding to play dumb to avoid completely flipping out at the suggestion, YongGuk sat up straight and slowly lowered his glass which was once again empty down to the table, before meeting GD's eyes again. “What exactly are you suggesting that I do?”  
  
“File a lawsuit.” YongGuk opened his mouth to argue as soon as his suspicion was confirmed, but G-Dragon held up a hand to silence him. “Hear me out. File a lawsuit — don't worry about financial costs because there are some firms who won't charge you for hiring them until you win, in which case if you win, you'll be loaded anyway. They won't charge you if the other side wins, so you have nothing to lose. I know it sounds scary because you can't predict what the outcome will be but I think that it's better than the alternative.”  
  
“I can't put them through that. Junhong is just a kid and JongUp likes to act strong but he's seen more of what really goes on than I wanted him to. He's scared out of his mind right now and I can't make it worse by filing a lawsuit and putting that uncertainty on their shoulders.”  
  
“So you would rather sit back and watch them get mistreated and worked to exhaustion?”  
  
“Wha— “  
  
GD took a sip of his near neglected wine and smiled wistfully. “You forget that I've lived through this too. I know exactly how this goes and if you don't step up and do something about it, it won't get better on its own. One of my biggest regrets is letting the mistreatment that we went through go on as long as it did. Seungri was a kid and had to go through so much shit just to debut. I'm telling you that if you really don't think now is a good time, wait until Junhong is eighteen and file a lawsuit. In the end, he'll thank you for giving him the chance to be a part of it rather than sitting back and watching everyone else fight for him. I get that you want to protect him, but have you ever thought that maybe he wants to stand up for himself too?”  
  
“You're right. I know you're right but I'm scared of what might happen.”  
  
“Just think it over. Remember, it's just a highly advised suggestion. You don't have to do it if you really don't think that your situation will be benefited but —” Whatever GD was about to say was cut off as someone that YongGuk vaguely recognized to be the leader of VIXX came running into the room, an air of panic surrounding him.  
  
“YongGuk you need to get out here! There's a fight going on and I'm pretty sure that someone from your band is involved.”

* * *

“Daehyun stop!” Daehyun heard YoungJae's voice as if he were calling him from the other end of a long tunnel. He could hear him but he couldn't respond, couldn't stop his fists from blocking and punching his opponent. The fight hadn't been his fault, the other guy had thrown the first punch, catching him square in the jaw hard enough for him to see stars for a moment. Daehyun hadn't stayed down for as long as the purple haired guy would have liked so he threw a punch at his midsection, knocking the breath out of Daehyun. Panting, Daehyun managed to counter and punch the purple haired leader in the face, right below his eye, causing it to begin swelling almost immediately.  
  
As he held his now blotchy purple eye, Daehyun used his momentary distraction to his advantage and threw another punch at the guy's face, knocking him to the ground. Shocked, another member of his band stepped up without hesitation aimed a kick to Daehyun's groin. He kicked, though much to his surprise, his foot connected with air rather than a body.  
  
Stunned, he looked up and realized that YoungJae, the member of B.A.P that they'd been insulting, had managed to pull Daehyun back and was now holding onto him for dear life. Daehyun was yelling something in angry Busan dialect that he couldn't understand, though by the look on his face, he guessed that he didn't want to.  
  
Despite the fact that Daehyun was being restrained, he had a petty streak and was about to approach him to finish off the kick he'd meant to land a moment before but was stopped as he saw a very angry Bang YongGuk approaching. The leader's face was stone cold as he approached him and bent down to his level and spoke in his deep, raspy voice. “Back the fuck off. Walk away or it's not Daehyun that you're going to have to answer to.”  
  
Smartly, the guy listened and slowly walked backward, nearly tripping over the leader who was still crouched on the floor. The two sides stayed like that for a moment, standing a short distance apart staring at each other with a crowd of other bands looking on until G-Dragon stormed up to them and addressed the band who had started the fight. “I don't know you guys so I'm assuming that you're some rookie band who hasn't even debuted yet. I know for sure that you weren't on my guest list so I'd suggest that you get the fuck out of here before I press charges.”  
  
Two of the other members of the rookie band rushed forward to help their leader up and nudge the one who had tried to pick up the fight. The five left together and it was only after he was sure that they had left that GD addressed the guests still gathered in a circle. “I apologize for not being more careful — they shouldn't even have gotten in here to start trouble. I take responsibility for the fact that they did. I also apologize for the fact that I need to ask everyone to leave. I appreciate you coming out to support my launch and I'll make sure that my next event is more peaceful.”  
  
As everyone began filing out, GD turned to YongGuk. “Grab Daehyun and come to the room that we were just in.”  
 

* * *

Daehyun shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as G-Dragon scrutinized him with a delicate hand grasping his chin so that he could look at his jaw. After a moment he took a few steps back and sighed. “It's definitely going to leave a mark — the bruise is already bright purple. Probably going hurt like hell in the morning and I'm pretty sure that he managed to bruise some ribs when he punched you. Overall you were pretty lucky.”  
  
“Thanks,” Daehyun muttered, still refusing to look GD in the eyes.  
  
“I'm not mad you know. I don't think that it was your fault that the fight started. Would you mind telling me what happened, though?”  
  
Daehyun bit his lip and cast his eyes to YongGuk as if asking for the leader's permission. YongGuk nodded so Daehyun turned back to GD and sighed. “The purple haired guy made a comment about YoungJae that I really didn't appreciate. I got mad and went over to their table to talk but they started insulting me, which I really didn't care about as much as them insulting YoungJae. It was the word choice that they used that offended me. I was going to give them the chance to apologize or at least explain themselves, but he wanted to fight so I didn't object.”  
  
“You're drunk,” GD said in response. It wasn't a question, but a statement. He gave Daehyun a knowing look and tsked. “You didn't throw the first punch or even start the fight but you were drinking. You weren't thinking as rationally as you could have been if you were sober so you aren't entirely innocent.”  
  
“I know,” Daehyun admitted, lowering his gaze to the floor.  
  
“I understand, though. You've been going through a lot of shit lately with that throat surgery that YongGuk mentioned. I can't imagine how hard it's been so I don't blame you for wanting to kick back and have a drink but you need to learn how to not get carried away before it turns into a serious prob —”  
  
“I don't have a problem,” Daehyun interjected defensively, causing GD to raise an eyebrow.  
  
“I didn't say that you did. I was going to say kick it in the ass before you do have a problem.”  
  
Sensing the sudden rise in tension, YongGuk spoke up, instantly changing the subject from Daehyun's drinking habits. “I wonder why they were here anyway. Were they hoping to crash the party or what?”  
  
“Don't worry too much about them, it's nothing that I haven't seen before. If you haven't realized, the Korean music industry is competitive as hell and even if you're one of the lucky few who get to debut, it doesn't mean that you're going to develop a large fan base because you'll constantly be overshadowed by one band or another. They were trying to exert dominance that they don't have so that they didn't feel so insignificant to bands that are already established. Really it's sad, but they think that if they don't conquer competition, they won't go anywhere. In reality, they're probably not wrong though I doubt that trying to pick fights with other bands is the right way to go.”  
  
“I'm sorry,” Daehyun replied out of the blue and GD chuckled.  
  
“I don't need an apology. I'm not mad at you or them. I understand. I've been in this industry since I became a trainee at nine years old. I know how it works. Plus, you're going to have to talk to your CEO once you leave here. Save your apologies for him. Get some ice for that bruise and go to the hospital if your side starts hurting worse.”  
  
GD turned to YongGuk and gave him a sharp look, one that YongGuk didn't need words to understand. His expression was telling him good luck and remember what I told you. YongGuk nodded, a genuine smile of gratitude on his face as he placed a hand on Daehyun's shoulder and led him out of the room to meet up with the other four members.  
 

* * *

“I don't fucking care if you didn't throw the first punch! I've been getting goddamned phone calls for three hours straight from the CEO of that band's company because they had to take the leader to the hospital. His eye is swollen shut and they're going to have to postpone their debut until he's healed. That's going to cost them money that they're expecting us to pay for damages.” Daehyun had never seen Tae-Song so angry and if he was being honest, it scared him to no end. The man was scary enough when he was relatively happy, but to see him driven to this point made Daehyun almost fear for his life.  
  
Even though he was afraid, that didn't change the fact that he was also angry. He had been taking up for YoungJae, not looking for a fight. “What was I supposed to do? Sit there are listen to them calling YoungJae a fag like they had every right to say that about him?”  
  
“That's _exactly_ what you should have done! I don't care if they were threatening to shoot someone. You didn't have enough incentive to run over there like some fucking hero and get into a fight. I've had enough trouble with you lately, now I'm going to have to pay I don't know how much for damages because of mistake you made when you were fucking drunk!”  
  
“Well don't pay for the damages! There is video proof of them throwing the first punch. Whatever you want to say, it wasn't my fault that they started a fight.”  
  
“In my eyes, it _is_. I don't have a choice but to pay them off so they don't run their mouths about someone from my company getting into a fight. You have an image to uphold and hearing that you got into a fight with another band will not only hurt B.A.P's reputation as a whole but TS's as well. I can't afford to pay for a lawsuit if this turns into one, and I know for a fact that if I don't buy them off, that is the route that they'll take.”  
  
Daehyun sighed, his anger suddenly evaporating only to be replaced by near exhaustion. “I'm not sorry for what I did.”  
  
Tae-Song sighed as well, seeming to age ten years in a matter of seconds. “I'm not expecting you to be. Now leave so I can figure this shitstorm out before it gets worse. We'll decide what happens to you later.”  
 

* * *

Daehyun winced as YoungJae pressed a cold bag of ice against his face. GD was right — it had only been a few hours and his face already hurt like someone had hit him with a metal bat, and the color of his skin didn't look much better. YoungJae apologized quickly before sitting down beside Daehyun on the living room couch. Neither of them spoke for a few seconds until Daehyun sighed and gently grasped YoungJae's hand, slowly lowering it down to his lap so that he could see him. “I know you have questions about what happened so go ahead and ask.”  
  
“What was the fight about?”  
  
Daehyun shook his head sadly. “They were talking shit about something that they shouldn't have.”  
  
“What were they talking about?”  
  
“Why does it matter?”  
  
YoungJae looked down at the ground and sighed. “They were talking about me, weren't they?” Daehyun stiffened and YoungJae glanced at him again, noting his best friends posture and nodding as if he had just received the answer to some centuries old question. “Figures.”  
  
“They were calling you a fag. Even if that word choice wasn't so damn offensive, that wasn't the only thing that pissed me off. Even if you were gay, they have no right to debate someone's sexuality like it's any of their fucking business.”  
  
YoungJae bit his lip, obviously debating something before looking at the ground again. “What would you say if I told you that they weren't wrong?”  
  
Daehyun paused for only a second before understanding dawned on him. “I would say that I don't care. You're still just YoungJae to me.”  
  
“I'm just glad that you understand,” YoungJae replied, his voice bitter to the point that Daehyun stared at him in concern. YoungJae clenched his fists tightly and continued. “You'd be really surprised at how many homophobic people that you'll meet in your life. That's why I became so antisocial and untrusting. I trusted one person who I called my friend with the secret that I was gay, and somehow it got out to the entire fucking school. I was a laughing stock, bullied daily to the point that my mom had to transfer me to a different school. The damage was done though and I never got over that. Maybe that makes me weak but I didn't trust anyone again until I met the members. Most of all until I met you.”  
  
“YoungJae do you...” Daehyun began, unsure of exactly what it was that he wanted to ask. YoungJae chuckled sarcastically  
  
“Do I like you?” he asked, and Daehyun nodded slowly. YoungJae looked away again before uttering a quiet “yes.”  
  
YoungJae coughed awkwardly, sure that he had just ruined his friendship with his best friend. He got up off of the couch and was about to walk away when he felt a firm pressure on his wrist. He looked down just as Daehyun stood up, causing their faces to suddenly be mere centimeters apart. Daehyun smiled slightly before tilting YoungJae's chin upwards so that he could kiss him.  
  
YoungJae's body stiffened in shock at first, then as Daehyun's tongue prodded at his bottom lip, he realized that this was definitely real. Only then did he allow himself to lose himself in the kiss as he parted his lips, granting Daehyun entrance to his mouth. Daehyun shifted his leg slightly due to the uncomfortable position, in the process accidentally running his knee across the front of YoungJae's pants. He gasped and moaned against his will, instantly breaking the sweet mood. Daehyun pulled away and laughed uncontrollably, the first smile that completely reached his eyes that YoungJae had seen in what felt forever forming on his face.  
  
Embarrassed, YoungJae stared hard at Daehyun's chest, pointedly refusing to look him in the eyes. Daehyun chuckled good-naturedly before tilting YoungJae's face up again and placed a gentle, almost chaste kiss to his jaw. “I guess it's redundant to say but I am too, YoungJae.” YoungJae smiled slightly despite his embarrassment, understanding making him feel light. He didn't have to ask Daehyun what he meant to know that he had just received the same confession that he had trusted Daehyun with.  
  
Maybe all of those DaeJae fanfictions weren't so far off.


	16. Scene 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Here's the next scene! There are about ten more to go unless something else changes. Notes for this chapter -- some serious DaeJae in this chapter for any who ship them, and some hints towards more romance from other members. <3

Tae-Song stared at Zelo and JongUp with an expression on his face that could only be described as unreadable. The look wasn’t angry necessarily, but it sure as hell wasn’t happy, either. Both boys shifted uncomfortably on their feet while looking anywhere but at their CEO’s penetrating gaze. After a moment, he sighed and shook his head. “I’ve given you both weeks to perfect this dance routine and I’ve yet to see any results. I came to watch you practice the dance and I’m not walking out of here until I’m satisfied with your progress.”

  
JongUp bit his lip, instantly beginning to panic. The two of them had only talked about the difficult back-bend routine that they had planned, and had yet to attempt it. They weren’t afraid of failure—they knew that if you were going to dance as a career, failure was going to be their constant companion. What they were truly afraid of were the uncertainties. They knew that Junhong was flexible, possibly even flexible enough to properly do the dance, but they didn’t know for sure if he would be able to manage it without injuring himself.  
  
Their cautiousness had made them hesitant to try the move despite their love for the routine that they had planned. They had almost given up on it without trying, but Zelo had insisted that they at least try it once. Despite that, neither of them had realized that their first time attempting the dance would come so soon, especially not under the watchful eye of Tae-Song.  
  
Tae-Song tapped his foot impatiently as the other members stared at the two maknaes fearfully, worry clearly displayed in their gazes. Zelo turned to JongUp and offered him a weak smile. His face was paler than usual if that was even possible, and he looked scared. Despite the obvious fear in his eyes, there was also an air of determination of confidence that reassured JongUp slightly despite his concern for the possible outcome of the dance. “Are you ready?” Zelo questioned, his voice was low, barely above a whisper as his eyes traveled back to Tae-Song who was still looking on, the unreadable expression once again in place.  
  
JongUp shook his head. “Not one bit, but it looks like he isn’t going to give us a choice this time.”  
  
As if seconding their thoughts, YongGuk approached them in their little corner of the room, an angry glare plastered across his face. “I’m sorry but he isn’t going to listen to me. He’s pissed off because we went to that party without his permission. I pretty much said fuck you to his authority and he’s not pleased. That’s probably why he’s making you do this dance even though you two haven’t perfected it. I wish that I could tell you that you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but I can’t this time.”  
  
“We don’t have a choice?”  
  
YongGuk shook his head and rested his hand on Zelo’s shoulder. “Not this time. I wish I could say that you did, but we never have a choice. We always have to do what he says.” The leader’s voice had taken on a dark note and it was in that moment that the two maknaes realized the full weight of their situation. Tae-Song had stopped listening to what little authority that YongGuk had possessed, and could no longer protect them from the near ruthless CEO.  
  
“Alright, you three have stood around talking enough. You still have to practice your other dances for the comeback—we don’t have all day for you to spend on one dance. Get into position and show me this dance.”  
  
JongUp sighed and Zelo winked dramatically, trying to showcase confidence that JongUp knew that he didn’t have. He appreciated his attempt to reassure him, though. The two boys got into position for the beginning part of Angel’s dance, both of their hearts suddenly beginning to race as adrenaline coursed through their veins.  
  
JongUp started off the intricate dance, moving nearly too fast for Tae-Song to follow with his eyes. The CEO stared, transfixed as the two best dancers of the group moved around the practice studio. As the dance progressed, YongGuk came to stand beside Tae-Song and spoke to him in a voice that was far from pleasant. “This next part will be the back-bend portion. You know the part that Zelo’s never actually done?”  
  
Tae-Song sent a glare in the leader’s direction, for one moment diverting his attention away from the two dancing maknaes. During that one moment, worse came to worse and everyone jumped as Zelo let out a high-pitched scream, one that was so very different from the one that he made when he was playing around.  
  
The youngest member was lying on the floor, literally writhing in obvious pain. JongUp was crouched down beside him, sheer terror on his face as he frantically tried to speak, his words coming out in jumbled intangible garbles.  
  
YongGuk didn’t think—he just shot forward in panic and knelt beside his bandmate. Zelo looked at him, dark brown eyes blown wide in pain. Tears streamed from his eyes despite his attempts to fight them, and that was the moment that YongGuk realized how seriously that he had hurt himself. Zelo almost never cried when he got hurt.  
“Junhong, what’s wrong?”  
  
“My b-ack. I-I don’t thi-nk I stretched enough.” he paused to take a much-needed breath, though he sounded like he was struggling to draw air into his lungs. “I think I pulled a muscle in my back,” he admitted and YongGuk sighed.  
  
“Even if that’s all that it is, you still need to go the hospital to have an x-ray done to make sure that it won’t cause lasting damage.”  
  
“He’s right. JongUp, you’ll oversee paying for any medical care that Junhong may need in the meantime. I think that it’s fair for you to be held responsible for his injury since you were the one who helped create the dance and did not ensure that he wouldn’t be hurt during the routine.”  
  
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” YongGuk stood up and grabbed Tae-Song by the collar as soon as the CEO finished talking. HimChan stepped forward as if hoping to stop YongGuk from doing anything that he would later come to regret, but was held back by Daehyun and YoungJae who shook their heads in a silent “no.”  
  
YongGuk dragged Tae-Song to a wall before throwing his back against it, drawing out a sharp gasp from the CEO. “The fact that Junhong got hurt wasn’t their fault and you know it. They told you countless times that they hadn’t perfected it, hadn’t practiced enough, but you forced them to do it anyway. You made it where I had no say as leader and couldn’t protect them, because how the hell am I supposed to protect them from out boss who is supposed to treat us like we’re more than dispensable property?”  
  
“YongGuk, you're making a mistake that you're going to come to regret. I'd suggest that you back the fuck off before I disband B.A.P.”  
  
“You wouldn't dare.” YongGuk said in shock as he released his hold on Tae-Song, allowing the CEO to sink to the floor. He quickly gathered his bearings and smirked at YongGuk.  
  
“Oh, you don't think so? I have other bands signed to me, I don't rely solely on B.A.P to make money. If you six continue to be so insubordinate, I'll show you just how dispensable you truly are.” Seeing the anger directed at him from the eyes of five members of the band, he turned his attention back to Zelo who was still on the floor. “Don't worry about me and take care of him. It'd be troublesome to have to find another member to replace him if something was seriously wrong.”  
  
Without another look back, the CEO casually strolled out of the practice room, allowing the door to fall closed behind him. A soon as he was gone, YongGuk's fist connected with wall hard enough where a loud bang resonated around the room, causing five pairs of eyes to turn in the leader's direction. “GD is right,” he muttered, his voice cold and near emotionless.  
  
“About?” HimChan questioned in confusion, to which YongGuk simply shook his head.  
  
“You'll find out soon enough. I'll handle everything as soon as I can. Right now we need to worry about Junhong.” he turned to the youngest member whose writhing had stopped and tears tried. “Junhongie, can you walk if someone helps you?”  
  
Junhong grimaced. “I don't know.”  
  
“Can we carry him? There are five of us—how many people can it really take to carry one freakishly tall teenager?”  
  
“Should we call an ambulance? If it's not just a pulled muscle, moving him could hurt him worse.” YongGuk bit his lip and turned to HimChan who often acted as his second-in-command. The second oldest of the group sighed and shook his head.  
  
“I say that we call the ambulance. I don't want to take any risks with him until we know what happened.”

* * *

Two hours later Junhong was lying in a hospital bed surrounded by five exhausted and worried hyungs. They had been waiting for the results of the X-Ray since they had arrived, but the hospital was busy and they were having to wait until a nurse or doctor was available to deliver the results. They weren't impatient, but the uncertainties were killing them. Despite the doctor's reassurances that the injury probably wasn't anything too serious, none of them could stop their thoughts from jumping to the worst conclusions.  
  
Thankfully, the doctor had given Junhong morphine to ease his pain and help him sleep, though he had long fought past the medication and was now watching the older members with wide eyes, name Daehyun and YoungJae who sat together off in the corner of the room, YoungJae's head resting on Daehyun's shoulder. A ghost of a smile flitted across Junhong's face as he gazed at the two who finally noticed that someone's attention was one them. “So, you two finally got together?”  
  
YoungJae sat up and pushed Daehyun away from, his jaw dropping the process. He sat completely still in his chair, gaping at Zelo as if he'd just been told that war had broken out. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Please. I'm not that dense— you two have liked each other since debut but you were too preoccupied to realize it." The smile on Junhong's face was genuine this time. "Don't he embarrassed, you're cute together, and you actually look happy."  
  
HimChan coughed in an attempt to divert attention to himself then proceeded to lock eyes with Daehyun who raised his eyebrows questioningly. "I think that now is the perfect time to establish some ground rules."  
  
"Such as?"  
  
"Keep things pretty PG at the dorm. Despite everything they say, our maknaes are still young and I don't want them to walk in on you two having—"  
  
"Got it." YoungJae interjected, blushing furiously before HimChan could even get out the first syllable of the 's' word. "What's the next rule?"  
  
"Try to keep it as private as possible. I'm not talking about from the fans, but keep it from the managers and Tae-Song. I doubt that Tae-Song would let it slide."  
  
"Really, not even taking into account what a fucking  _sweetheart_  he is? " YongGuk's voice was dripping with so much sarcasm that HimChan wanted to laugh but thought better of it.  
  
"Speaking of Tae-Song, how am I supposed to pay for the hospital bill?" JongUp finally spoke up for the first time since they had arrived at the hospital. YongGuk turned to him and smiled tensely.  
  
"We're going to help you. You're not shouldering that burden by yourself."  
  
"It was my fault, wasn't it?"  
  
"What? No. Nobody is blaming you except for Tae-Song who is the one really at fault." JongUp didn't look convinced so Zelo reached and grabbed his wrist gently to get his attention.  
  
“You know how hard we practiced for the rest of the choreography. We just never got to the backbend part because we didn't know if I'd be able to do it in the first place.”  
  
“Yeah, but I'm the one who created that part of the routine. I thought that it would be the perfect move, but you ended up getting hurt because of it.”  
  
“But it will be the perfect move when we practice it some more.” JongUp's gaze turned sharply to focus on Zelo's face. The younger's expression was defiant.  
  
“We're not practicing the move anymore. We need to create another routine.”  
  
“No, we're keeping the routine we have and keeping the move. We're going to practice it some more and learn how to do it correctly so that I don't get hurt. We're going to prove ourselves to Tae-Song.”  
  
Whatever argument that JongUp might have had was cut off by the door to the room suddenly being thrown open to admit a tall, brown haired doctor. He smiled kindly at all five of the boys before approaching Zelo's bed. “Well, the good news is that it's nothing too severe, nothing showed up on the X-Ray. My guess is that he was right about having pulled a muscle— he probably pulled a few in fact. They'll heal within a few weeks and he should be good to return to dancing. For the time being, he'll need to take it easy and we would like to keep him at the hospital for the night due to the pain medication that we've given him. Once he leaves here we'll prescribe him another pain medicine so, for now, we want to monitor how his body reacts to the morphine.”  
  
YongGuk inclined him politely in the doctor's direction. “Thank you.”  
  
“No problem. Junhong, you just call me if you need me.” the doctor smiled one final time at the members before leaving the room. Once he was gone, YongGuk sighed in relief and ruffled Junhong's hair.  
  
“Well, that's a relief at least. I want someone to stay with him during the night so we'll take shifts—any volunteers for the first round?”  
  
“We'll watch him.” Daehyun offered, indicating himself and YoungJae who nodded in agreement. HimChan looked less than pleased and YongGuk just grinned knowingly.  
  
“Remember you two,  _PG_. I don't want to find him huddled in a corner because his hyungs scarred him.”  
  
“SHUT UP!” YoungJae yelled indignantly, causing everyone to break out in hysterical laughter. Embarrassed YoungJae was definitely the best type of YoungJae.  
 

* * *

Later that night, after the other three members had left, the doctor came and gave Zelo something to help rest, and he had fallen asleep not long after. YoungJae and Daehyun were still huddled in their corner, YoungJae's head resting on Daehyun's shoulder as he dozed.  
  
The older watched him fondly as his mind wandered back to the circumstances of their impromptu confession for the tenth time. In all honesty how they got together wasn't as shocking as the fact that they got together in the first place. Daehyun had known that he was gay or at the very least bisexual since high school but had never been very public about it. He hadn't meant to keep it hidden— it wasn't something that he was ashamed of, he simply never made an effort to flaunt it around.  
  
Since he had first met YoungJae during his trainee days, he had possessed the same suspicions about YoungJae but was never given enough evidence to truly suspect that he was gay. Eventually, he forgot about his preconceived notions, and YoungJae's personality simply became who he was.  
  
Neither of them realized until it was pointed out to them by the ever attentive HimChan that they were constantly flirting— they hadn't been doing it on purpose but had come naturally as the two of them grew closer. For the most part that confirmed Daehyun's suspicions that whether gay or bi, YoungJae was interested in men. Even with that realization, at first, Daehyun never thought that his and YoungJae's relationship would amount to anything more than innocent flirting, though before he could even begin to realize that it was happening, YoungJae had become precious to him.  
  
Everybody has someone who is precious to them, complete with a manual of safe handling and the stuff that you absolutely are not to do to them. YoungJae was that person to him and he would go through hell to protect him. Of course, that went for every member of the band, but YoungJae was a special case.  
  
Daehyun blinked in surprise when he looked at YoungJae again and was met with a pair of sleepy brown eyes. YoungJae yawned and offered a tired smile before leaning up and placing a kiss on his boyfriend's cheek. "Did you sleep any?"  
  
Daehyun shook his head. "No."  
  
"Lost in thought? "  
  
In response to YoungJae's question, a smile pricked at the corners of Daehyun's mouth, threatening to explode into a wide grin. "A little," he paused to brush a piece of hair out of YoungJae's eyes before lightly tracing his lips with his fingers, causing Jae to close his eyes contentedly. "They were all good thoughts, I promise."  
  
“That's a rarity, all things considered lately.”  
  
This time, Daehyun did smile. “Well, you tend to bring that out in me. Even when we're fighting, I'm smiling.” without another word, Dae leaned down and kissed YoungJae— sweetly at first, though over the course of a few seconds the temperature in the room seemed to rise by a few degrees as the kiss became more intense. Just as Daehyun's tongue began prodding at YoungJae's lips to deepen the kiss, YoungJae pulled back and placed a gentle hand on Dae's chest. “We shouldn't. Just because the maknae is sleeping doesn't mean that he isn't here.”  
  
Daehyun grimaced at the painful tightness in his pants but nodded anyway. Noticing his discomfort, YoungJae patted his hand sweetly. “Sorry.”  
  
A sudden laugh out of the blue made both men jump five feet in the air as their heads whipped around to find the source of the sudden noise. Zelo was partially sat up in bed, a wide smirk on his face as he watched his hyungs. He hadn't meant to intrude on a private moment, but the sound of voices had woken up and as soon as he had opened his eyes, he had been met with the couple lip-locking directly in front of him. He felt kind of like a peeping tom, but truthfully, it was hard to  _not_  stare when two people that you knew so well finally realized that they had feelings for each other. Junhong was happy for them, and it gave him hope for success with his own crush.  
  
Junhong's attention was diverted from his own thoughts back to his hyungs as Daehyun's nervous chuckle reached his ears. The smirked wormed itself back onto his face as he purposely turned towards YoungJae. Sure enough, YoungJae was blushing furiously and staring at the ground, while Daehyun was smiling with an unapologetic expression on his face. The differences between their personalities were stark, but that was probably why they fit so well together.  
  
The maknae smiled apologetically, feeling slightly guilty that he had ruined their moment, though judging by what he had heard, it was probably a good thing that they had decided to tone it down.”Sorry that I interrupted.”  
  
“Can we just stop talking about it?” YoungJae begged, placing his hands over his eyes so that he didn't have to see the smug look on Junhong's face.  
  
“Sure, but I have a question.” YoungJae looked less than pleased but nodded anyway. Zelo smiled gratefully before taking a deep breath to prepare himself. “So let's say that I have a crush on a certain someone that I'm really close to. How would I go about telling them how I feel?”  
  
“That depends on who this person is.” Daehyun's eyes sparkled, and as odd as it was, Junhong had no doubts that his hyung was fully aware of who he was talking about, but was asking out of courtesy.  
  
“JongUp.” the reply was spoken in a low voice, barely above a whisper and Zelo looked up to meet Daehyun's eyes. Sure enough, there was no surprise on the singer's face.  
  
“You're wondering how I knew, huh?” Daehyun smirked. “Well, you two are like me and YoungJae I guess, it's written all of your faces when you're together. Plus, we can see how much he cares about you. I've only seen JongUp cry a few times. After you got hurt, he wasn't in the bathroom for that long because he was feeling sick, though honestly, that was probably part of it. He was really in the bathroom because he didn't want you to see him cry. He blames himself for you getting hurt because of Tae-Song telling him that it was his fault.”  
  
“JongUp was crying?”  
  
Daehyun nodded solemnly. “Yeah. He wouldn't listen to us. He's really beating himself up over it.”  
  
Junhong bit his lip hard enough to nearly draw blood before sighing. “I won't worry about telling him how I feel right now then. I'll focus on getting him to forgive himself before I add any more stress to his mind.”  
  
YoungJae, who had finally gotten over his spell of embarrassment, smiled proudly at their maknae. “Look at that, we taught him chivalry.”  
  
Junhong wanted to smile and playfully argue, but his thoughts held him back. Ever since he had first talked to JongUp about hope, he had been trying to give the company a chance before writing them off completely. For awhile it had worked as well as it could have, but after finding out that Tae-Song's blaming JongUp had driven him to the point that he actually felt like it was really his fault was a new low for Zelo that he hadn't realized could be reached. In all honesty, he was disappointed with how low the CEO could go.  
  
If there was one thing that he had learned for certain, it was that he couldn't trust Tae-Song at all— he had finally lost faith in TS


	17. Scene 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N I feel like this could have been better, but I like it. I think I do at least. Anyway, there will be a warning for next chapter; SMUT. Considering recent events you can most likely guess who it is between, so if you're not into smut in general or gay smut in particular, I will leave an A/N next scene with the location the smut starts and stops. Also, my outline is done!!!

Have you ever felt the sensation that passes over you when you're feeling nauseous and the scent of food hits your nostrils, making your stomach instantly lurch? HimChan was as accustomed to that feeling as breathing— every time he smelled food, his stomach tossed and he wanted to make a beeline to the nearest restroom, but always refrained from it because there would be nothing for him to throw up and the only thing left would be for him to be reduced to painful dry heaves that always made his throat scratchy and raw.  
  
HimChan smelled food as he walked into the gym next door to B.A.P's dorm. He wasn't even sure what it was that he was smelling though all food had the same effect— it instantly made him feel sick. Regardless of how little he ate, HimChan didn't seem to be losing any weight and it was starting to drain him both physically and mentally. He wasn't dumb— he knew that he had to eat sometime or he was going to die, but he figured that his body could go awhile without food, After all, he was _fat_.  
  
Fat. Huh, HimChan had never realized what an ugly word that it was until it had been used to describe him. He'd grown up as a large kid, had been considered obese at a young age, but he had never felt self-conscious about himself. In fact, he had been happier as a fat kid than he ever had been as a decidedly smaller adult. Apparently, all of the hard work that he had put into dieting and working hadn't been enough because he was still being told that he was too big and was at risk of falling out of favor with fans because his appearance didn't meet standards. HimChan had refused to believe that after all of that hard work he could ever be fat again, but as he stared at himself in the gym mirror, he finally saw what everyone else saw.  
  
His stomach was huge, protruding from his torso like a bloated pregnant woman and his thighs were the size of sumo wrestlers. HimChan's lip curled in disgust as he turned to gaze at other parts of himself in the mirror, feeling his disappointment growing more by the second. Why had no one ever told him that he looked like a fucking whale?  
  
HimChan's brow furrowed when he realized that people had, in fact, told him that he looked like a whale that had washed up on the beach, but he had written it off as jealousy, but now he wondered if he had been too arrogant — arrogance that he didn't deserve to possess.  
  
Sighing despondently, HimChan walked to the treadmill in the corner of the large gym, pointedly ignoring the looks that he got from people on his way — they were probably talking about how huge he was, making fun of the fact that the fat guy was trying to lose weight. He set the treadmill to the lowest setting and warmed up for a few seconds before frustration set in and he kicked up the pace to the highest setting. The effect was instantaneous; HimChan's heart rate picked up considerably, the pounding of his chest becoming almost unbearable. Even though he felt like he was at risk of having a heart attack, HimChan continued to run as fast as he could to keep up with the pace of the machine. Sweat poured from his body, staining his white workout shirt and turning it see through.  
  
HimChan ran as if his life depended on it, and in his mind, it did. B.A.P was his life, and if he was kicked out of the band because of his appearance, it would completely destroy him. So he ran for so long that he lost track, ran past dehydration and the insistent rumbling of his empty stomach, through the protesting of his tired muscles and exhausted heart.  
  
He ran until his legs almost buckled and he was forced to stop the treadmill before he face planted. As soon as the machine stopped, HimChan collapsed to the floor, skull nearly knocking onto the ground until he had sense enough to protect his head. He laid like that for several minutes, waiting for his heart to calm down and his breathing to regulate. To his complete and utter dismay, ten minutes later his condition hadn't changed — if anything, it had worsened.  
  
Realization quickly set in that what he was experiencing was definitely _not_ normal. In his long history of working out, it typically didn't take more than five or so minutes for his heart to calm and his breathing to slow. Ten minutes wouldn't have been so scary had his heart rate not quickened by quite a few beats since he had stopped moving. Despite his better judgment telling him that something was wrong, his stubborn self-consciousness made him believe that he was physically exhausted simply because he was more out of shape than he had originally assumed.  
  
HimChan sat up and rested his head against the wall that the treadmill was against for another five minutes, silently willing his body to recover. The realization that he felt decidedly worse for the first time made tiny pricks of fear increase the nonstop racing of his heart. Desperate for a distraction, he pulled out his phone and checked the time; it was 6:50. Shit, he had to get home to cook dinner for the rest of the members. As the self-appointed mother of the group, HimChan took it upon himself to make sure that the members were fed, plus he loved to cook. At least he used to before his hobby had made him fat. Now cooking was just another chore for him, but unlike himself, the other members needed to eat— especially YongGuk who was beginning to eat less and less each passing day.  
  
Gathering his willpower, HimChan struggled to his feet and leaned against the wall in an effort to stay upright as his head swam mercilessly and his vision blackened. Several seconds of deep breathing helped slightly and he was able to see again, but his heart rate and breathing were still erratic. If he wasn't afraid before, he definitely was now. That had been the closest that he had come to passing out without actually passing out— normally when that feeling passed over him, it meant that he was about to fall on his face.  
  
However, as it often did, the nagging voice in the back of his mind, his inner demon, told him that his condition was a result of laziness, of his body, making excuses for him being overweight, telling HimChan that there was nothing wrong with him other than himself, despite the gut feeling that told him that something was seriously wrong.  
  
Despite everything that told him that he should sit down and call one of the members to escort him home, HimChan resigned himself to walk home alone.

* * *

Breathing wasn't supposed to be painful. You were wired to breathe automatically without a reminder that hey if you don't get some air, you're going to pass out. HimChan was leaned over the hot stove, sweat pouring from his body and soaking through his clothes. Despite the intense heat, he couldn't move away because he was sure that if he took one step, he would end up on the floor.  
  
HimChan's legs were shaking like a leaf and were painfully close to buckling, but he wouldn't be able to make it to a chair. He couldn't even call for help because he was pretty damn convinced that if he opened his mouth to speak, he would throw up. How often he threw up anyway was enough incentive to keep his mouth tightly shut.  
  
Clouds of black formed around the edges of HimChan's peripheral vision and he shook his head quickly to try and clear them away, which turned out to be a horrible idea as his stomach lurched. HimChan couldn't see to make sure that he wasn't aimed at anything that would be hard to clean, but at that moment, he could have cared less as he doubled over and vomited onto what he hoped was the floor.  
  
Blood. HimChan's vision cleared slightly for a fraction of a second, long enough for him to see the bright red splatters across the floor. In his limited experience, vomiting blood wasn't normal, either. HimChan felt a ton of bricks drop in his stomach as the realization hit that he had been fooling himself— nothing about this was normal.  
  
Why was this happening? He wasn't sick because he threw up and ate a little bit less, was he? That couldn't possibly be it because he still ate, and he really didn't throw up that often compared to some people with bul—  
  
No. If he could have done so without making himself throw up again or pass out, HimChan would have vigorously shaken his head. He didn't have an eating disorder— he was just losing a little bit of weight so that he would remain attractive. What he was experiencing had absolutely nothing to do with his eating habits— it had to be something else entirely.  
  
HimChan's knees finally buckled and he slid to the floor, smacking his head against the hard linoleum as he lost the ability to support himself. His vision was almost completely black now but as he rolled over onto his back and tried to focus on the stove, he could have sworn that he saw the faintest trace of a light gray wafting up from the food that he had been attempting to cook — it would need to be stirred before it burned.  
  
Hopefully one of the other members had the good sense to come and check the kitchen, or they would all burn up in the dorm. As for HimChan, he was tired of fighting and absolutely sick of not being good enough for anyone. The darkness promised him a reprieve and despite his better judgment that told him that he shouldn't close his eyes, HimChan allowed the black cloud to carry him away.

* * *

JongUp couldn't sleep. He wasn't sure why insomnia was plaguing him— that was normally YongGuk's ailment, but it had chosen to target him. Admittedly it was early to be trying to go to sleep, but he didn't feel like doing much else. The migraines had yet to stop so he spent a lot of his time lying down because he hated throwing up with a passion, and if he stood up during a migraine, he would more than likely end up regretting it.  
  
Despite that, he had to go pee— his bladder was urgently protesting against the bottle of water that the had chugged before climbing into bed and he knew that if he didn't go soon, he would have to sleep on the couch. With a long-suffering sigh, JongUp walked past Daehyun and YoungJae who were watching a video on YouTube together, and past Zelo who was playing a game on his phone. YongGuk was in the recording studio laboring over some lyrics that he was struggling to perfect so he didn't see him. As far as he knew, HimChan was in the kitchen cooking dinner.  
  
JongUp opened the door to the band's bedroom and was instantly assaulted by the harsh aroma of smoke— something was burning. Fueled by adrenaline, JongUp sprinted to the kitchen, almost instantly having to shield his eyes against the smoke that made them water.  
  
The dancer glanced down at the floor and his eyes finally fell on the collapsed figure of HimChan, which was lying beside what appeared to be bloody vomit. JongUp's eyes widened and he fought the bile rising up in his throat as he turned around and quickly cut the stove off, sitting the pan on the counter in the process. As soon as the pan was safely on the surface, JongUp ran full speed to the recording studio, not even bothering to knock as he threw the door open.  
  
YongGuk glanced up briefly with a raised eyebrow upon JongUp's intrusion, though his surprised gaze quickly became panicked as he noticed the sheer terror on JongUp's face. There was no doubt in his mind that something was wrong with one of the members— the only question was which one? “Junhong?” he guessed, uncertainty coloring his words. JongUp shook his head.  
  
“No, HimChan.”  
  
YongGuk recoiled like he had been hit. Without another word he moved past JongUp and walked into the kitchen. Sure enough, HimChan was lying on the floor next to a puddle of god knew what. YongGuk knelt down beside him and placed two fingers against his neck; he had a pulse, but it was weak and barely noticeable. "Shit, this is bad. JongUp, call 119."  
  
JongUp ran back to the bedroom and frantically grabbed YoungJae's phone from the bedside table. He struggled to dial the emergency number with how badly his hands were shaking, but somehow he managed to press the correct digits after a few attempts. Youngjae met his gaze after he put the phone to his ear. "I smelled the smoke. HimChan never burns food."  
  
JongUp's expression faltered, betraying the fear hidden underneath the stoic mask. "HimChan is really sick."  
  
Daehyun gripped YoungJae's hand tightly and gave the two maknaes meaningful looks— all of them were in this together. They had known that Himchan had an issue, but hadn't done anything about it.  
  
Now they were being forced to face it because the situation had turned serious in a heartbeat.

* * *

"I want to lie to you but I would more than likely lose my license, so I'll be honest; the diagnosis isn't good. Mr. Kim is severely malnourished and his body is having to send itself into overdrive to compensate. I'm suspecting that he has some sort of eating disorder, namely bulimia. He has sores lining his esophagus due to stomach acid burning it as it traveled up— that's why he was vomiting blood. His vitals are unstable and there's a high chance that we're going to have to give him medication to stabilize his heart rate.” the doctor's voice was cold— one of those clinical types that made you want to cover your eardrums before you fell asleep only this time, none of the members of B.A.P wanted to sleep.  
  
YongGuk sighed sadly before glaring at the ground. “How long?”  
  
“With the amount of scar tissue on his esophagus and his low weight, I would say that it's been going on for a fairly long time.” the doctor's tone became more human as he glanced around the room at five worried faces. It was times like this where the doctor really wished that he had chosen another career path. “I'll leave you to talk. Call me if his condition changes— someone will be here to check on him soon.”  
  
As soon as the doctor left, YongGuk lifted his head up and turned his gaze towards Daehyun, the second oldest of the members who were conscious. “You didn't look surprised when he said that HimChan probably has an eating disorder. Care to explain why that is?”  
  
Daehyun bit his lip. “We've known for a few months now but we didn't know how to tell you. You were going through so much and— “  
  
“I'm the leader.” YongGuk's tone was final and he chuckled bitterly. “I'm the leader, but I didn't notice something so serious when it was literally right under my fucking nose. I've been too self-absorbed to realize what was going on with my own band. HimChan normally listens to me— if I hadn't been so selfish, I would have been able to help him before it got to this point, but I had no idea.” YongGuk's tirade sparked something in JongUp who literally felt his heart sinking to the pit of his stomach.  
  
What YongGuk was saying eerily echoed the thoughts that he had been having as of late— not just about HimChan, but about everything that had been going wrong? Self-blame had definitely worsened his stress-induced headaches and was tearing apart his mind as he laid awake at night evaluating situations and the many ways that he could be blamed for them. Despite the difficulty, he had managed to not let the self-blame get to him too much, but obviously, YongGuk had not managed that feat.  
  
The leader's already gray mood seemed to turn to a solid black as he blamed himself for what JongUp knew deep in his heart that they wouldn't have been able to prevent. For the first time, JongUp understood that situations increased YongGuk's depression, which was why he had been eating less and less in past few weeks. Everything that had happened with Daehyun and JongUp because of TS had stressed YongGuk to the max because he had blamed himself for being incompetent and unable to protect them even though he was the leader.  
  
Self-blame was like adding kindling to fire; it made the existing issues stronger and harder to get over. JongUp made the decision right then and there to try and stop blaming himself for everything— especially those things that he rationally knew were not his fault before he turned out like YongGuk.  
  
In all honesty, he hoped that YongGuk learned not to blame himself before it was too late to make the realization.

* * *

Six hours later HimChan woke up in an unfamiliar looking room with beige colored walls with the sterile scent of sanitary supplies attacking his senses. Beeping sounded from beside him and he glanced down at his arm, noticing for the first time the gauze covering his vein.Memories slowly came back to him and he laid back on the bed, suddenly feeling exhausted though he had no idea how long that he had been unconscious.  
  
Guilt weighed heavily on his heart as he realized that if he had ended up in the hospital, one of the members had found him passed out in the kitchen. His only prayer was that it wasn't either of the youngest two, though he had a feeling that karma was out to get him and JongUp had most likely found him after he had passed out.  
  
HimChan glanced around the room, seeing the signs that the room had previously been occupied— most likely by all five of the other members. They were gone now, probably at the dorm to sleeping. He wouldn't be alone for long, however. Doctors were in and out of a patient's room constantly to monitor vitals and administer medication— as soon as they knew that he was awake, they would call the members and alert them.  
  
As soon as everyone was present, the questions would start, and he honestly wasn't sure if he would be able to handle it. HimChan already had an idea of what the doctor would tell him, and he wasn't excited for that either. He could hear the words echoing in his ears now— those vile, disgusting sounding words that couldn't possibly be associated with him. _Bulimia_ , _anorexia_ , _binge, eating disorders._ None of those applied to them; he was fine, maybe just a little bit sick.  
  
 _“Are you really, though?”_ the voice in his head asked tauntingly, and HimChan wanted to scream. He silently begged his inner demon to just _please_ shut the hell up, but it was usual, to no avail. _“You're fat, HimChan. Unattractive. Hideous. Your stomach is bloated and your thighs are huge. You need to lose weight for yourself and so that your bandmates aren't embarrassed to be around you. If not for them, then have the respect to do it for yourself.”_  
  
“Please stop!” HimChan yelled out of the blue, startling a nurse who had just walked in the door. HimChan's eyes slowly fluttered open as he heard the startled gasp from the nurse. Seeing his eyes open, the nurse relaxed slightly.  
  
“Did you have a dream, sweetheart?”  
  
HimChan laughed bitterly, the lie forming on his tongue easily. “Yes ma'am, a nightmare actually.” he sighed deeply and offered her a tense smile. “I”m sorry for scaring you.”  
  
“Oh, that was nothing to apologize for. Anyway, I'm assuming by now that you've figured out where you are?”  
  
“Yeah... I'm in a hospital.”  
  
“Indeed. What are your name and birthday?”  
  
“My name is Kim HimChan, and my birthday is April 19, 1990.”  
  
The nurse glanced at the chart in her hand before smiling. “Everything checks out— looks like you don't have amnesia. A head injury was one of the doctor's main concerns aside from—”  
  
“Aside from....?” HimChan prompted, to which the nurse simply shook her head.  
  
“I'll let the doctor go over everything with you.” HimChan sighed but as if one cue, he heard loud footsteps coming from the hall outside the room and in a matter of seconds, they were joined by a tall, brunette doctor who looked oddly familiar.  
  
“Mr. Kim? I believe we've met before. I was the primary care physician of Junhong when he had the back injury recently.” he approached the bed and offered a hand for HimChan to shake. “I have so serious concerns that need to be addressed at your discretion. Would you be open to discussing them now, or would you like some more time to wake up?”  
  
“We can go over them now,” HimChan muttered, looking anywhere but at the doctor's face. He bit his lip hard, tasting blood almost instantly.  
  
The doctor pushed a chair over to HimChan's bed before sitting down. He took a deep breath and peered into his patient's eyes, the doctor mannerisms instantly evaporating into an expression that looked almost.. vulnerable. “First of all, my name is Doctor Hyun Rin-Jae, but you can just call me Doctor H as many of my patients choose to do.” his smile was kind and so un doctor like that HimChan almost found himself relaxing. “First of all, though you may not realize it, you're close to being underweight for someone of your height and build.”  
  
HimChan shook his head in denial. “No, I'm not. That's not even the least bit possible.”  
  
Doctor H's brow furrowed in concern. “So you believe that you're overweight?”  
  
“I'm _fat_.”  
  
“No, Mr. Kim, you aren't. That's what we need to talk about.” Doctor H took a steadying breath and HimChan wondered what was making him so upset. “I understand what you're going through right now; you think that I don't because I'm a doctor and doctors only pretend to care, but that isn't the case. I do care because of my daughter.”  
  
“Your daughter...?”  
  
“My daughter was a beautiful girl,” Doctor H began, and HimChan's heart instantly ceased beating. He said _was_ , as in past tense. His daughter was dead. “She had big eyes, long black hair, and dimples. She was also smart with a bright future ahead of her— she would have been able to go to any college that she wanted to. Her name was ChaeSun. ChaeSun was the happiest person that I had ever seen up until she turned nineteen, which was when everything changed. She met a boy who for the sake of this conversation will be referred to as Lee. Lee was like any lowlife that you meet— he was a member of a gang and was a horrible example for her. Not only that, he was abusive— both mentally and physically. Despite her beauty, ChaeSun was self-conscious and easily swayed by the latest trends, and she loved Lee far more than she should have. Lee begins telling her that she was fat when she only weighed about 105 pounds when they met. At first, she didn't believe him, but after awhile, he broke her down and she stopped eating. When it started, she just skipped meals, then she started making herself throw up anything that she did manage to get down. I'm a doctor, but I couldn't help her see how beautiful she was. After a few months, she refused to eat and would rip out IV's in the hospital if they were trying to give her nutrients. She died three months after getting to her lowest weight— 72 pounds.”  
  
HimChan's throat constricted tightly and for a moment, he honestly felt like he was going to be sick. Doctor H didn't seem to be faring any better; his face had taken on a ghost pale pallor and his hands were clenched tightly in his coat. HimChan wanted to say something to comfort him, but his mouth was sewed closed and he could only stare at the doctor helplessly. Thankfully after a moment, the doctor shook his head lightly as if shaking away any negative thoughts and turned back to HimChan with a weak smile. “So that's my standpoint on someone believing that they're overweight when they're clearly not. Mr. Kim, I believe that you have characteristics of three types of eating disorders— binge, bulimia, and anorexia. Together they make a horrible combination that could very well kill you. You're in the hospital due to the accumulated effects of these eating habits.”  
  
HimChan shook his head. “I don't have an eating disorder.”  
  
Doctor H sighed. “To yourself, you're fine but to everyone else, you're sick Mr. Kim. I won't stay here all day debating with you, but I'm going to recommend some support groups to you— the success rate that I've seen with people who have attended them is promising. I wish I had possessed the notion of sending ChaeSun to one. I might have been able to save her.”  
  
HimChan shook his head again as he opened his mouth to speak, but Doctor H held up his hand to silence him. “I'm not forcing you to go— I'm simply recommending. I don't want you to end up like ChaeSun. At least consider it.”  
 

* * *

HimChan was released from the hospital a few days later. None of the members mentioned what happened, and he appreciated it because he was sure by this point that they all knew. Doctor H had given him recommendations to several local support groups but deep inside, HimChan knew that he wouldn't go. There was no reason to— he didn't have a problem.  
  
Sure he was self-conscious and sometimes skipped meals and maybe even threw up occasionally, but it wasn't a disorder; he could stop anytime he wanted to. He just... didn't want to. It wasn't like he was addicted or anything— he hated throwing up. He refused to allow his mind to wander to how many times a week that he actually ate, and how many hours that he actually spent bent over the toilet, expelling the contents of his stomach. HimChan shook his head in denial once again.  
  
“It's a choice, not a disorder,” he said to himself, but instantly felt frustration rearing its head. Realization hit that if he was this frustrated, he subconsciously felt like he was lying to himself. Damn those college psychology classes that he had been forced to take.  
  
Overtaken but a sudden, blinding fury, HimChan pulled the support group cards out of his pocket and tore them up before throwing them into the kitchen trashcan.  
  
“Support group my ass.”


	18. Scene 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the DaeJae chapter -- the smut starts at "YoungJae tilted up his head" and ends at the last line break, where after that the smut is referenced, but not explicitly. Also, this was my first mxm smut but this couple is life, so I hope you enjoy. <3

YoungJae had never been more uncertain about anything in his entire life. He wasn't blind and he sure as hell wasn't dumb— he could see what was going on around him and knew that everything happening was in some way related to the director, whether directly or indirectly. YongGuk had yet to state it directly, but YoungJae had a gut feeling that the leader was planning on filing a lawsuit to help settle issues between the band and Tae-Song.  
  
The possibility made YoungJae want to throw up. It wasn't often that bands won disputes with their company in the court of law because the justice system is corrupt— regardless of how much you want to argue your point, a large proportion of judges are easily swayed by money. TS was loaded from the work of their artists while the artists were left scraping to purchase the essentials.  
  
The thought of disbanding was driving YoungJae insane, and if he had been having thoughts of leaving the band before, they had returned tenfold. If worst came to worst and B.A.P did disband, YoungJae wasn't sure if he would be able to handle the pain of being separated from them. He had lost too many friends when he had come out as gay to his friend in high school and had stopped trying to make friends altogether after that. Now that he had four brothers and a boyfriend, the thought of going back to how life was before B.A.P honestly terrified him.  
  
YoungJae's pride wouldn't allow him to remain in the band. He had been hurt against his will too many times before, so if the lawsuit was going to be filed and B.A.P was going to disband, he would make sure that he was long gone before it happened so TS wouldn't be able to see what they had done to him.  
  
Despite his resolution to leave, YoungJae knew that he couldn't just quit without warning; he owed it to the other members— namely Daehyun— to discuss it with them before he made any executive decisions. The discussion was going to hurt like hell, but he knew that if he wanted to continue his relationship with Daehyun to even be a _possibility_ after B.A.P, he was going to have to face him.  
 

* * *

Two days later, YoungJae worked up enough courage to face Daehyun. It was quiet in the dorm as he made his way to the practice studio at the far end of the dorm, where he was assuming that Daehyun was hiding out. They were the only two in the dorm as far as he knew— the other members were out doing schedules or shopping.  
  
YoungJae quickly realized that he had been wrong about the dorm being empty aside from the two of them when he heard another voice from inside the studio— unless Daehyun was talking to himself, they had company. As he got closer, YoungJae was able to make out the voice of the other person and his heart stopped beating in his chest.  
  
“Daehyun quit making excuses! You know good and well that I've given you plenty of time for the injury to heal properly— there is no excuse for your voice to sound so flawed weeks later.”  
  
“I haven't been allowed to stop singing since the surgery! My voice is still strained because you kept threatening me and wouldn't give my throat a chance to recover. The fact that my voice might be permanently damaged is your fault, not mine. I'm sick of you putting the blame on me when I know I'm not the guilty one.”  
  
YoungJae froze up for only a second before he leaned against the closed door and listened intently, desperate to hear what was going just in case Daehyun needed reinforcements. What he heard from inside made his blood run cold.  
  
“Daehyun, let me put this simply; your voice is raspy and lacks the power it used to have. You've lost your charm and I'm concerned that you won't be able to do the high notes which set you apart from other singers. Show me a high note in your head voice.”  
  
A moment later, YoungJae heard Daehyun's familiar voice, but as Tae-Song had said, it sounded weak compared to its usual loud shrillness. Tae-Song laughed sarcastically and YoungJae gripped the door handle tightly.  
  
“See? I told you that you can't do the high notes. I'm not positive about what should be done, but it looks like we might have to find a new lead singer to take your place until you reclaim your voice.”  
  
“Really?” Daehyun's voice was furious, and YoungJae didn't need to see his face to know that he was livid. “You think that it'll be that easy to kick me out? Don't you think that YongGuk and the rest of the members will protest that? You're really going to go up against all of us?”  
  
“If that's what it takes then— “  
  
“You're a fucking idiot.” YoungJae heard something break from inside the recording studio, and without thinking, he twisted the door nob, accidentally inviting himself into a conversation that he didn't necessarily want to be part of. As soon as he was in the studio, his eyes landed on broken glass littering the floor— Daehyun had cracked the mirror, thankfully this time by using a book that HimChan had left, rather than his fists.  
  
Daehyun stood a few feet away from the mirror, the angriest expression YoungJae had ever seen on his face. Tae-Song looked scared before only a moment before rage consumed his features and he turned Daehyun with a fist raised as if to hit him. Daehyun turned his back and walked away, not acknowledging YoungJae's presence in the least.  
  
Tae-Song yelled after Daehyun to come back with threats that he would be kicked out of the band if he didn't stop walking away, but Daehyun only walked faster. YoungJae stared after him for only half a second before darting after him, leaving Tae-Song standing alone among the broken remains of glass.  
 

* * *

“Daehyun, talk to me,” YoungJae begged as he knocked on the door to the band's shared bedroom. For a moment, there was no reply from inside but as the knocking on the door became louder and more insistent, Daehyun opened the door, his annoyed face peeking out from the small opening.  
  
“Go away, YoungJae.” Daehyun's voice was cold and momentary hurt flashed across YoungJae's face before fierce determination quickly took its place.  
  
“No,” YoungJae argued, as he pushed against the door with slightly more force. “This is my room too. You can't just lock me out because you're pissed off.”  
  
Daehyun rolled his eyes and backed away from the door, finally relenting and allowing YoungJae entrance to the shared bedroom. YoungJae walked into the room and closed the door behind him, giving his eyes a moment to adjust to the near absence of light. Daehyun sat down on YoungJae's bed because of its position on the bottom and drew his knees up to his chest. He rested his chin on them and gave YoungJae a look that could only be described as kicked puppy syndrome. “You wanted to talk. Tell me what you're thinking.” all at once, the rage seemed to have evaporated from Daehyun, leaving in its place complete exhaustion.  
  
YoungJae nodded and sat down beside him on the bed, taking advantage of their positions so that he could rest his head on Daehyun's shoulder. Daehyun sat motionless for a fraction of a second before his arm naturally went around him, drawing him closer so that his nose brushed against Daehyun's neck. YoungJae smiled softly as he inhaled the scent of something spicy— apple or pumpkin pie mixed with nutmeg or cinnamon. The scent was familiar, like a kitchen during the winter holidays, and afterward of being bundled up against the harsh cold in front of a burning fireplace, the scent of the oak firewood mingling with the kitchen scents. Daehyun smelled like home.  
  
Daehyun kissed the top of YoungJae's head before giving him his signature smirk. “You're aren't talking, you're smelling my neck.”  
  
“Mhm. You smell good.” Daehyun chuckled before tilting YoungJae's face up so that he could look into his eyes.  
  
“I don't think you came in here to smell me, though.”  
  
“You're right. I went into the recording studio to talk to you, but you were being yelled at by the director and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I'm sorry for just standing there.”  
  
“Don't apologize. You looked like you wanted to cry when you walked in on that. You weren't even the one getting yelled at, but you felt like you were.”  
  
YoungJae bit his lip, uncertainty causing him to freeze up before he decided to hell with it. “I love you, Dae.”  
  
“I love you too. Now tell me what you went into the studio to say. You're not getting out of it that easily now that I know that you had something important to tell me.”  
  
“Fine. I was going to ask you your opinion on me quitting the band.”  
  
Daehyun eyes widened and he seemed to struggle with words for a moment. Finally, he was able to voice a single, questioning word. “Why?”  
  
“You know why. Tae-Song is a horrible person and I'm sick of how he treats everyone. I don't want him to disband us like he keeps threatening to, and I don't want to go through a lawsuit. I don't want to see what either of those two things would do to the six of us.”  
  
“So you think that quitting would be less painful?” YoungJae didn't miss the air of sarcasm in Daehyun's voice— quite the opposite in fact.  
  
“Of course I don't think that it'll be less painful, but I don't want us to disband because we were forced to. I want us to disband because we made the joint decision to do so.”  
  
“Who said anything about disbanding?”  
  
“What do you think would happen!” YoungJae hadn't meant to yell, but Daehyun didn't seem to understand the fears that had been plaguing him since tensions with the company had increased tenfold.  
  
Daehyun didn't flinch when YoungJae raised his voice. Instead, he kissed YoungJae's head again— something that he had recently discovered helped calm him down, then smiled gently. “I think that we would be able to get through it. Our friendship isn't temporary because we're more than friends. We're like brothers, and brothers don't separate just because something gets in their way. They get through it together, and come back stronger.”  
  
“So you're not worried?”  
  
“I never said that. I'm worried too, but I have faith that we'll come back as six if something does happen.” Daehyun kissed YoungJae's jaw— he wasn't sure why he did it, other than the fact that he loved the shape of YoungJae's jaw. Honestly, it was one of his best features, not that his face itself wasn't attractive, namely the little dimples that gave him an almost childlike appearance despite being less than a year younger than Daehyun.  
  
YoungJae tilted his head up just enough so that he was level with Daehyun. Daehyun took the hint and moved his lips from his jaw until he was able to kiss YoungJae properly. The kiss was innocent at first, sweet, romantic, and not at all heated— that quickly changed, however, when Daehyun's tongue nudged insistently at YoungJae's mouth. The younger man parted his lips just enough for Daehyun's tongue to be granted entrance. The two struggled for a moment to find a pace that they both were comfortable with, but eventually, they found a rhythm that worked for them.  
  
He wasn't sure how it happened, but one minute YoungJae's hand was on Daehyun's shoulder, and in the next, his hand was cupping the barely perceptible bulge in his boyfriend's pants. Daehyun's eyes widened and he pulled away to stare into YoungJae's eyes, face contorted in shock. “What are you doing?”  
  
YoungJae glanced away, blushing slightly as he continued to gently rub Daehyun. “This is okay, right?” A choked sounding noise from Daehyun was the response, and YoungJae almost retracted his hand but was stopped by another hand holding it in place. He glanced down and saw Daehyun's hand laid on top of his own, adding to the pressure being applied.  
Understanding dawned on YoungJae and he switched up his motions so that he was pressing down harder on Daehyun's member through his pants, eliciting a sharp gasp from the singer.  
  
Daehyun allowed YoungJae to palm him through his jeans for a few more minutes until his sexual frustration took over and he wrapped his arms around YoungJae's waist, urging him into his lap. YoungJae attacked Daehyun's neck, alternating between sucking and biting, leaving little hickeys in his teeth's wake. The stylists would probably ask questions later, but they could deal with the possible repercussions when they got to that fork in the road.  
  
YoungJae rutted his erection against Daehyun's, and Daehyun moaned unabashedly— he couldn't help it. The fact that YoungJae was touching him wasn't what was turning him on so much— it was the fact that it was _YoungJae_ who was touching him that drove him crazy. In fact, YoungJae drove him crazy simply by existing. Everything from his smile, to his dimples, to the cute little dip of his ass, Daehyun loved everything.  
  
Daehyun slowly trailed a hand from YoungJae's neck, down to his waist, and finally to that pert little ass that he adored so much. He kneaded it lightly with his hand, eliciting a moan from YoungJae that spurred him on as increased the pressure of his grip, further turning on the younger as he continued to shamelessly grind against him.  
  
YoungJae stopped abusing Daehyun's neck long enough to pull him down for another intense kiss; tongues mingled together passionately, and teeth hit together in the eagerness of the kiss, but it still managed to be the most romantic kiss either of them had ever experienced. Maybe it was because for once, both knew that they were in love with the person that they were with.  
  
Daehyun ran his hand down YoungJae's chest, stopping as his fingers found a nipple underneath the fabric of his shirt. Smirking, he teasingly flicked the swollen bud, instantly drawing out a choked moan from YoungJae. So he liked having his nipples played with?  
  
Still smirking, Daehyun grabbed the hem of YoungJae's black t-shirt, hitching it up to his neck until YoungJae leaned away and pulled it over his head then tossed it into the floor unceremoniously. Daehyun pushed YoungJae off of his lap and onto his back on the bed before positioning himself above him and taking a pink nipple into his mouth. YoungJae moaned, no longer bothering to quiet himself as he lost himself in the pleasure.  
  
YoungJae reached down to the front of his jeans— which were still painfully fastened— and undid the button and pulled down the zipper so that he could better access his swollen member. His hands wormed their way to the waistband of his underwear and before he could even register what he was doing, he pulled them down just enough to allow himself to spring free. YoungJae stroked himself off with one hand as the other held Daehyun's head still as the older continued to lick and tease YoungJae's nipples.  
  
Despite the pleasure that he was getting from his own and hand and Daehyun's mouth, YoungJae knew that it wasn't enough. He made an impatient noise in the back of his throat, alerting Daehyun to the fact that he was ready to kick up the heat to the next level. Daehyun slowly kissed his down YoungJae's exposed torso, stopping only when he reached YoungJae's unfastened jeans and half pulled down underwear, with YoungJae still grasping his member tightly.  
  
Daehyun stood up and pulled YoungJae's pants the rest of the way off, along with his boxers. “Lay vertically across the bed,” he commanded, voice husky and low with the state of arousal he was in.  
  
YoungJae did as instructed, feeling bare as Daehyun's gaze hungrily devoured his exposed body. Daehyun didn't immediately get on the bed as YoungJae had expected, but instead went over to YongGuk's nightstand and opened the top drawer. “What are you doing?” YoungJae asked slight annoyance mingling into his voice.  
  
“I'm coming, I had to get something.”  
  
Daehyun sat down on the bed as soon as he had what he was looking for— a bottle of lube. YoungJae's eyes widened as he took in what Daehyun was holding. “Why is there lube in YongGuk's nightstand?”  
  
“Please, do you think that we're the only people who do anything sexual around the dorm? BangHim isn't just a fangirl's imagination.” Despite the kidding tone, Daehyun swallowed the lump in his throat as the first thoughts of fear and uncertainty made themselves known. He uncapped the bottle of lube and coated his fingers with the thick gel before positioning a finger at YoungJae's entrance. “Have you ever....?” he trailed off, blushing slightly as he realized the question that he was supposed to ask.  
  
Thankfully, YoungJae took the hint and smiled comfortingly. “I'm not a virgin, Dae, so don't worry about the potential of hurting me too much. Though it has been awhile, so preparation is probably not a bad idea.”  
  
Daehyun nodded once as he slowly eased a finger into YoungJae's tight heat, causing YoungJae to wince only slightly in discomfort. Daehyun trailed a hand up YoungJae's stomach, settling it once again over his nipple to help distract him from the pain. YoungJae relaxed significantly, allowing Daehyun to add in a second finger. He scissored the two together, efficiently stretching YoungJae and helping him relax.  
  
“I think I'm prepared enough. Take your clothes off.” YoungJae ordered, moaning as Daehyun's fingers barely brushed against his prostate. Daehyun relented and pulled his fingers out before stripping off the remainder of his clothes. He grabbed the lube bottle and slicked up his member with the slippery substance, swallowing past the lump in his throat once again as it finally seemed to dawn on him that he was about to have his first time (having sex with another guy), with YoungJae.  
  
The thought didn't terrify him as he thought that it would— instead, it made him smile. “How do you want to do this; you can lay on the bed or—”  
  
“I want to ride you,” YoungJae responded without hesitation or embarrassment. “We can kiss easier and it feels more intimate to be closer to you.”  
  
Daehyun nodded as he sat up straight, spreading his legs slightly so that YoungJae would have room to sit on his lap. YoungJae stood up as well before spreading his feet apart, legs planted against both of Daehyun's. Daehyun positioned his member at YoungJae's entrance as the younger slowly seated himself on Daehyun's lap.  
  
The sounds of sex— passionate, sensual and needy grunts and moans, deep breathing, and gasps, filled the air as the recently established couple made love for the first time. Daehyun thrusts were well timed and all too soon, YoungJae's breathing became erratic as he came between their closely pressed together torsos, coloring both of their bodies in white.  
  
Realizing that continuing to penetrate YoungJae after his orgasm would probably cause him discomfort, Daehyun thoughtfully pulled out was about to finish himself off with a few quick jerks of his hand, but was stopped by YoungJae's hand grabbing his wrist. “I'll finish you off.”  
  
YoungJae took a deep, steadying breath, breathing still quick from his orgasm as he pushed Daehyun down into the position that he earlier been lying in. Without hesitation, YoungJae took the head of Daehyun's penis into his mouth, tonguing the slit and bobbing his head up and down. His hand jerked Daehyun off in time with his sucks, doubling the intensely pleasurable sensations.  
  
Daehyun barely had time to warn YoungJae that his orgasm was pending as he stuttered out an “I-I'm about to cum.” YoungJae simply gave a few harder sucks in response, literally ripping Daehyun's orgasm from him as he moaned in near blinding pleasure and YoungJae swallowed around him.  
  
YoungJae fell on his back beside Daehyun, who gently kissed the top of his head. YoungJae pulled his comforter over them before making a slightly disgusted face. “My bed is going to smell like sex.”  
  
“Was it worth it?” Daehyun questioned hopefully, a small smile on his lips.  
  
“Definitely,” YoungJae replied, his own smile becoming near blinding.  
 

* * *

HimChan quickly put the groceries away, noting that the dorm was much too _quiet_. When you had six boys in one dorm, everything was reckless and never, ever peaceful unless someone was up to something. And with the fact that Daehyun and YoungJae had been left in the house together, HimChan could only guess what the two of them had gotten up to.  
  
Sure enough, the door to the band's shared bedroom was closed when he approached and he didn't bother knocking before opening the door. The first thing that he noticed was the pile of clothing lying abandoned on the floor. The second thing that caught his attention was Daehyun lying on a bottom bunk, next to YoungJae— Daehyun's bunk was on the top.  
  
Finally, he caught a whiff of a scent that he recognized without a doubt. DaeJae had sex when everyone was away. Both boys seemed to be asleep, no doubt exhausted from their sexual exploits, and HimChan couldn't help the devious smirk that flashed across his face as he slowly crept over to the bed before leaning down so that he was next to Daehyun's ear.  
  
“This is rated R! I said to keep it PG in the dorms.”  
  
Needless to say, he was flashed by a very naked Daehyun as YoungJae pushed him off the bed and proceeded to die in complete mortification. Daehyun only chuckled in slight embarrassment, having the decency to grab his underwear from the floor and slip them on. HimChan shook his head in disapproval and Daehyun smiled sheepishly.  
  
“Next time, we lock the door.


	19. After the Act Interlude 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N as the name suggests, this isn't an actual scene--more like a short (and I mean short) side scene linking two parts of Overdose that I might not have the chance to explain in future scenes. I'm working on scene 18 now and that should be out within a few days, but for now, here's this.

YoungJae was _sore._ He wished the feeling was localized to just his muscles, but no, the sensations were radiating from a much more…personal area of his body. Despite not being a virgin, having sex for the first time in a long while had really done a number on him. And that wasn’t even considering the mental regrets—he didn’t regret the act itself, more like the smell that was left behind. They were going to have to wash his sheets and spray air freshener around the entire room.

Despite that, YoungJae smiled in near giddy satisfaction as his eyes fell on the still sleeping Daehyun, lying on his stomach with his face buried into the pillow, bare back exposed to YoungJae. The two of them had finally managed to establish their relationship and felt close enough to go all the way together.

When he was being honest with himself, YoungJae knew that they had practically been dating since debut—they had always acted like a married couple with their immature arguments and constant flirting. Daehyun was the first guy who he knew that he was dating for more than sex. YoungJae’s last relationship had broken his heart and caused the anti-social personality that he wore so well to form.

YoungJae had met his ex-crush KiMin in the tenth grade—they were in the same class and saw each other every day. At first, YoungJae had managed to keep a low profile about his sexuality, but KiMin had been different. Dark brown eyes and a charming smile had wormed their way into YoungJae’s heart and he had been powerless to stop him.

It wasn’t until four months after meeting that KiMin admitted that he thought that he was bi-curious. He had been adamant that it was just curiosity, and he definitely was _not_ gay. YoungJae hadn’t pushed the issue even after reaching a point where his infatuation turned into something more meaningful and he truly believed that he had fallen in love with KiMin.

Two months later, YoungJae had fallen harder than he wanted to admit and was at a point where he would have done anything to make KiMin love him back, with the other boy still grasping tightly to his heterosexuality. Anything that KiMin wanted came in the form of him asking YoungJae for sex. To YoungJae, sex was something natural that was supposed to happen—it didn’t matter who it was with. Sure, he would be having his first time with KiMin, but that wouldn’t change anything; the experience would still be the same.

YoungJae managed to hold on to that believe that losing his virginity wouldn’t have a lasting effect, but he soon realized that he had given the gift that could never be replaced to someone who didn’t—and would never appreciate it. YoungJae’s heart was shattered when he found KiMin in the gym locker room in the middle of fucking another guy.

KiMin had apologized profusely—more out of fear of being ratted out than actual remorse for what he had done. YoungJae had admitted to feeling led on—he had assumed that over the course of their short “relationship” if you can call it that, they had become more than friends. KiMin, who was still denying the possibility that maybe, just _maybe_ , he liked guys, denied any of YoungJae’s hopes that their relationship could ever be anything more than experimentation.

Crestfallen, YoungJae had tried to convince KiMin to be honest with himself about his sexuality, but only managed to piss off the questioning teenager who took revenge on YoungJae by spilling his secret to everyone in the school, eventually leading YoungJae to have to transfer due to the constant ridiculing that he had endured.

Years later, YoungJae was still affected by that betrayal, and it showed in how he lived his life. The one person that he had been completely open to was Daehyun, and before he could even begin to understand what was happening, he had fallen for him. Only this time, he wasn’t scared of the future.

Having sex with Daehyun for the first time had been so, so different from losing his virginity to KiMin—this time, he knew that they loved each other and he wasn’t just an experiment for Daehyun to test his sexuality out on. That had made the sex so much better—it sounds cheesy, but true emotions amplified the feeling you got from being with your partner.

YoungJae smiled as memories of the night before flashed back to him; he saw Daehyun’s face, contorted in pleasure as YoungJae sat on his lap, biting his neck without a care in the world. He saw Daehyun’s face as prepared him carefully so that their first time together would be as painless as possible. He heard the wanton moans torn from Daehyun’s throat as he sucked him to finish—

“YoungJae, are you awake?” YoungJae nearly hit his head on the bunk above his own with the force that he sat up, heart instantly stopping. He slowly glanced down at Daehyun who had rolled over onto his back and was now staring at him with a curious expression on his face. “Did I scare you?”

YoungJae blushed and chuckled softly in embarrassment. “A little,” he admitted quietly, turning his head to stare at the wall not facing Daehyun. “I was thinking about something.”

“Last night?”

“Among other things.” Daehyun smiled and pulled YoungJae down so that he was lying on the bed beside him, before attacking his neck with bites and kisses.

“I can make you remember it in full detail.”


	20. Scene 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Scene 18! Update on scene count--Overdose will now have roughly 27 SCENES (not counting interludes and the scene 5 pt 2 which totally messed up my numbering if you hadn't realized -_-), rather than the originally decided 25. I created resolutions to some character arcs that could be tied off better and now this time, I think that the outline is finished. Or at least I hope so because I really hate wasting printer ink and paper. Anyway, this scene is long, so I suggest getting some popcorn before you start. Also, thank you to every single person who has subscribed and commented so far--you're all amazing. <3

* * *

The members of B.A.P were no strangers to exhaustion, both physical and mental. Feeling tired and drained was something you simply had to get used to and push past in their line of work if you wanted to be successful. The six had come to terms with that as early as their trainee days, but there was still a limit with how far their patience for tedious workloads went. Tae-Song has finally caved and given up on forcing Daehyun to perfect the screaming high note that had strained his voice, and the band had finished the recording of Angel. JongUp and Junhong had successfully completed the back-bend portion of their choreography, and the filming of the music video had commenced shortly after. Three weeks of long, arduous performances had ensued, further fatiguing the members who were in desperate need of a break to alleviate some of their physical and mental exhaustion.  
  
Despite their struggle, none of the members had spoken a word about what they were going through to the CEO—they knew all too well what the end result would be, and none of them were willing to go through the trouble. The only thing that they had to keep them strong was the notion that they would be given a break from promotions and other activities for at least a few weeks after the last concert.  
  
Too soon the members realized their mistake when they went to their weekly meeting with the CEO.  
  
“What do you mean that we're going on tour in Japan? We haven't even finished the comeback for Angel! There's no way in hell that you're going to make us start filming and promoting for a new single when we're not even completely finished promoting an entire album.” YongGuk's voice had taken on its “leader tone”, as the situation called for it more than ever. Tae-Song had announced that the band would begin promoting for a new Japanese single, Excuse Me, and would go on the Japanese tour with it and their other Japanese songs. Normally the news would have excited the members—they loved their Japanese fans, but at that moment it was the worst news that they could have received.  
  
“You'll do as you're _instructed._ This isn't up for debate, YongGuk.” Tae-Song's expression was calm—too calm, nearly devoid of any emotion. YongGuk had only seen the expression on his face once before, and that had been when JongUp and Junhong had been forced to perform their dance despite not having practiced enough. Authority seemed to radiate from Tae-Song, and YongGuk knew that arguing would get them nowhere. Once again, his own authority as leader was being stripped from him so that his position was no more than a glorified title. They were going to have abide by the CEO's decision, as ill-conceived as it was.  
  
The other members, who had been watching YongGuk's reaction closely, seemed to realize the conclusion that their leader had come to, as their expressions morphed into various emotions ranging from anger to unwilling acceptance. None of their anger was directed at YongGuk—they knew all too well that he would have fought back if he had the power to.  
  
“You'll start the recording of the song the day after your final performance of the comeback. I suggest that you keep any disagreements to yourselves. I've had enough of the six of you being insubordinate during this last comeback and I'm not positive about how much more patient that I can be.”

* * *

Later that night, as everyone was preparing for bed, YoungJae had noticed that Daehyun looked far paler than his tan complexion usually allowed. Something had seemed off about him the entire day, but it had seemed to amplify over the course of a few hours.  
  
“Dae, are you alright?” YoungJae asked worriedly. Daehyun, who was lying on the living room couch, shook his head slowly.  
  
“I feel like I'm coming down with something. My head is killing me and my throat hurts.” as if to add an air of realism to his words, Daehyun winced in pain as his dry throat cracked when he spoke.  
  
“Sit up a little so I can sit down,” YoungJae ordered. Daehyun obliged, groaning weakly as he was forced to move his achy muscles. Once YoungJae was situated, he laid his head in his boyfriend's lap, slowly beginning to relax as he felt gentle fingers combing through his hair. YoungJae pressed a cold hand to his forehead and tsked in disapproval. “You definitely have a fever. We'll have to see if we can convince Tae-Song to let you stay home tomorrow.”  
  
“He won't let me and you know it.”  
  
YoungJae bit his lip. “Yeah, I know. We still need to try, though. When you get sick you don't just get a cold—we can't have you passing out on stage.”  
  
Daehyun didn't answer, and YoungJae quickly noticed that his eyes had closed. Exhaustion had claimed the singer and YoungJae sighed dejectedly. He hated having to wake Daehyun up, but he wouldn't get a decent night's sleep sitting up on the couch all night with Daehyun's head in his lap. “Wake up, Dae. Let's get you to bed.”  
  
“Who's bed?”  
  
“You can sleep in mine tonight. I don't think I would trust you climbing up the ladder to yours.” Daehyun's eyes opened and he smirked, though it lacked much of its usual humor.  
  
“Sleeping with you when the other members are home? Isn't that kind of voyeur?” YoungJae hit his arm lightly, embarrassment turning his cheeks a dusty pink as he understood what Daehyun was implying.  
  
“I don't think that anyone minds us sleeping together, and I doubt you feel up to having sex in the first place, so do you have any other reservations?”  
  
“None.”  
  
“Good. Now, do you want to eat something before you go to sleep? You usually get hungry during the night.” YoungJae was expecting a resounding 'yes' in answer to his question but was beyond shocked when Daehyun shook his head.  
  
“I'm not hungry.” if one's jaw could literally hit the floor, then YoungJae's would have in that moment. Daehyun, the king foodie, and diagnosed glutton wasn't hungry. Daehyun was almost never  _not_ hungry, usually only refusing to eat when he was extremely sick. Realization of how ill his boyfriend truly was made YoungJae instantly concerned, though he tried to not let it become too obvious. Though as always, Daehyun saw right through his weakly maintained facade. “I'll be fine, YoungJae. I just need to rest for awhile and I'll be good as new.”  
  
“Daehyun, you have a fever, and you're not hungry. Do you feel nauseous?”  
  
“A little.” Daehyun admitted, deciding that lying to YoungJae wouldn't help the situation. If there was one thing hat he had learned about YoungJae, it was that he almost _always_ knew when he was being lied to.  
  
“That's it, we're checking your temperature.” Daehyun sighed and nodded, weakly sitting up and with support from YoungJae, standing shakily. The two walked like that, with Daehyun leaning heavily into the shorter male's shoulder, the entire way to the bathroom where the medical supplies were kept. Daehyun sat on the toilet seat, head bent against the dizzying feeling that walking had caused. Yeah, he was definitely sick.  
  
“Open up, keep it under your tongue until it beeps,” YoungJae commanded, popping the thermometer into Daehyun's open mouth. A few seconds later, the beep signaling that Daehyun's temperature had successfully been read sounded, and YoungJae grabbed the thermometer, turning it over to read the numbers on the digital interface. “102.5!” YoungJae exclaimed worriedly after seeing the glaring numbers, instantly reaching into the medicine cabinet to pull out the bottle of fever reducer. He filled a cup with water and handed the pills to Daehyun, who swallowed them, wincing as the tablets irritated his sore throat on the way down.  
  
“So 102.5 is high? That would probably explain why I feel like shit.”  
  
“Yeah,” YoungJae agreed, struggling to keep his voice calm. “it really would. I don't think you need to perform tomorrow, Dae.”  
  
“You know that it isn't about what I need and don't need to do. Whatever Tae-Song wants us to do, we have to do. Not even YongGuk can protect us anymore, and you _know_ how much that kills him. We're basically dogs by this point so if the CEO wants me on that stage tomorrow, then I'll be on the fucking stage.”  
  
“What if you pass out?”  
  
Daehyun laughed bitterly, finally lifting his head up. Despite his angry sounding laugh, his eyes held a deep sadness. “Then we act like it was a freak accident. I got sick out of the blue. TS will issue an official statement, we'll apologize to the fans, and everyone will forget that it ever happened.  
  
“Have I mentioned that I really hate that bastard?”  
  
For the first time since he had started feeling sick, Daehyun cracked a genuine smile. “Not in the last few hours. I was actually starting to miss hearing it every ten minutes.”  
  
“I have a feeling that you'll be hearing it a lot more in the next coming weeks.”  
  
“Looking forward to it,” Daehyun replied sarcastically, finally managing a weak laugh. YoungJae laughed too before leaning down to plant a kiss on his boyfriend's too warm forehead.  
  
“Let's get you to bed.”

* * *

Six hours later, the alarm signaling that it was time for the members to get up and get ready to practice for the concert sounded, awakening YoungJae who rolled over in bed to face Daehyun. The older singer still appeared to be fast asleep, his chest rising and falling evenly with each breath. YoungJae shook his shoulder lightly in an attempt to wake him up, but to no avail. Switching tactics, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Daehyun's lips, something that last time he had tried it, had made Daehyun wake up with a smile. There was no response from the sleeping Daehyun, and YoungJae's annoyance quickly turned into genuine concern; there was something seriously wrong with him.  
  
Thankfully, YongGuk, who had been up most of the night with insomnia, was already awake and stood beside YoungJae's bed, watching the scene worriedly. “Daehyun isn't waking up?”  
  
“No. He had a fever last night so I gave him a fever reducer, but now he won't wake up.”  
  
“How high was his fever?”  
  
“102.5”  
  
YongGuk's brow furrowed immediately in concern. “Shit, that's really high. I don't want to scare you, but we should probably get Daehyun checked out at the hospital.”  
  
Tears immediately sprang to YoungJae's eyes, but he refused to let them fall—he knew he had a habit of instantly jumping to the worst conclusions when it came to someone that he cared greatly for. “Do you think that he'll be okay?”  
  
YongGuk nodded and smiled bravely, though he couldn't completely hide the undercurrent of worry in his expression. “Of course. Daehyun has way too much energy for anything to keep him down for too long. After a short stay in the hospital, he'll be fine and eating everything in sight.” YongGuk had made the comment about food lightheartedly in an attempt to alleviate some of the seriousness of the situation, though he had only managed to succeed in making a few of the barely suppressed tears in YoungJae's eyes fall.  
  
“He wasn't hungry last night. I _know_ him. I should have taken him to the hospital right then and there when he said that he felt nauseous and didn't want to eat. The last time that he refused to eat he had appendicitis that could have killed him if we hadn't taken him to the hospital in time.”  
  
YongGuk grasped YoungJae's shoulder tightly. “It probably won't make you feel any better, but he can't have appendicitis this time.”  
  
YoungJae didn't answer, and instead wiped the tears from his eyes and cast a final worried look at his unconscious boyfriend before dialing the number for emergency services.

* * *

“I'm under the impression that I should start handing out resident cards to the six of you. I've seen three out of six of your members in here as a patient, all for different reasons. Makes me question what exactly goes on in your line of work.” Doctor Hyun's tone was joking, but his expression radiated seriousness. YongGuk and YoungJae had ridden in the ambulance together, while, HimChan, who had been feeling weak from malnutrition, had stayed at home with the maknaes. They had arrived at the hospital and had instantly been escorted to a room where Doctor Hyun, who was amusingly considered their primary care physician by this point, had been waiting for them.  
  
YoungJae would have laughed had Daehyun not looked so sick and frail while lying on the bed, hooked to various machines that looked outright diabolical. “Will he be okay?”  
  
“To put it simply, Daehyun's body is beyond exhausted. I don't know what you've been put through lately, but Daehyun is in desperate need of rest and a long break. By the looks of the two of you, that doesn't just apply to him. You just haven't gotten to the point that he's at yet, but it's entirely possible.” Doctor Hyun gave them a sympathetic look before glancing at Daehyun, shaking his head in obvious disapproval. “I'm giving him IV fluids to make sure that his body has proper nutrients to help him recover, and I'm keeping him in the hospital for observation. He should be responsive within a few hours, and if not, we'll work everything out from there.”  
  
As soon as the doctor left, YoungJae landed heavily in a chair by Daehyun's bed, instantly resting his head in his hands. “Tae-Song won't let him stay in the hospital if his illness isn't life threatening.”  
  
“I know. I wish there was something that I could do but—”  
  
“You're just as powerless as the rest of us. I understand, YongGuk-hyung, and I'm not blaming you. I just wish that he didn't have to go out there and perform because he's _sick_. You didn't see him last night—he could barely keep his eyes open and he was barely smiling,” YoungJae's eyes burned and he furiously wiped away the moisture collecting. “Daehyun is always smiling.”  
  
“Everything is going to be alright.” YongGuk replied halfheartedly, he _knew_ he didn't sound reassuring, but he couldn't bear to give YoungJae any more false hope when he had no fucking clue if everything would really be okay in the end.

* * *

Daehyun forced his eyes open, blearily looking around and silently willing the blurry images of his surroundings to come into focus. When his eyes finally did focus, the first thing that he saw made his heart rate pick up instantly. YoungJae sat on a chair beside the bed that Daehyun was lying on, his head laid on his boyfriend's legs. Daehyun smiled, reaching out to trace his fingers over YoungJae's jaw, waking the younger man. YoungJae's opened and instantly widened as he grabbed Daehyun's hand, squeezing it tightly to convince himself that he wasn't just dreaming. “You're awake,” he stated, and Daehyun rolled his eyes.  
  
“Obviously,” Daehyun responded sarcastically. YoungJae ignored the comment, glancing around the room, noticing all of the objects that it made it clear that they were in a hospital.  
  
“You know where you are, right?”  
  
Daehyun nodded slowly, taking in the white walls and burning chemical scent. “Hospital. I remember last night— I had a fever so you gave me some medicine and then we went to sleep in your bed, but I don't remember anything past that.”  
  
“You were unresponsive this morning when we tried to wake you up, so we called an ambulance. YongGuk and I came here with you. Doctor Hyun said that your body is exhausted and you got sick from not resting. He wants to keep your here for observation to make sure that you get some rest.”  
  
“Tae-Song doesn't know that I'm awake yet.” Daehyun cast YoungJae a knowing look.  
  
“No, but I'm sure he'll check in soon enough. We have a festival to perform at today and if you're not dead, he's going to make you perform like the fucking bastard that he is.”  
  
Despite how he felt, Daehyun laughed, winking flirtatiously. “I love it when you get mad.” YoungJae blushed a thousand shades of pink, aptly turning his face away from Daehyun's penetrating view. Daehyun laughed again before his expression once again became serious. “Where did YongGuk-hyung go?”  
  
“Cafeteria. He started having dizzy spells and I reminded him that it's been awhile since he's eaten anything. His blood sugar is probably low. ” YoungJae's voice was relatively calm, all things considered, but his expression told a different story. Daehyun grasped his hand, squeezing it with all of the strength and reassurance that he could muster. YoungJae smiled, grateful for the attempt, though he was not feeling any of the confidence that Daehyun was trying to feign.  
  
YongGuk returned thirty minutes later looking slightly better than YoungJae had last seen him, and he instantly attributed it to the fact that he had gotten some nourishment, however slight. Though his appearance had improved, his expression was dour. “Tae-Song will be here in ten minutes. I wasn't sure if Daehyun was awake yet but I doubt that would have changed anything. He's going to make you perform regardless.”  
  
Sure enough, when Tae-Song did arrive at the hospital, he had Daehyun's discharge papers in hand. Doctor Hyun looked less than pleased and assured the three members that he had fought Tae-Song's decision, but the CEO had refused to listen to reason and had insisted that Daehyun would be fine to perform on stage.  
  
Daehyun, who was still extremely weak, was given another round of IV treatments to help his body recover, though Doctor Hyun said that his body still needed rest so that he could fight off the fever. Tae-Song refused, once again reiterating that Daehyun was going to be performing on the concert stage, as he had determined that HimChan's condition would not permit him going on stage—he would be singing his parts from off-stage. They simply could not allow the band to be down two members in one performance.  
  
Despite his better judgment, Daehyun attempted to protest but was stopped by just a few words.  
  
"You think I'm not aware of the nature of the unprofessional of the relationship you have established with YoungJae?" Daehyun's jaw dropped and he cast a sideways look at YoungJae, who was staring at Tae-Song with an identical mixture of fear and shock on his face.  
  
“How the hell would you know that?” Daehyun demanded, eyes blazing and the rare 'no nonsense' tone in place. Tae-Song smirked, clearly satisfied that he had managed to ensnare Daehyun in his trap.  
  
“I hope you're aware that the walls of your dormitory aren't soundproof. The day that we had that...disagreement in the recording studio—the one you childishly ran away from? Well, after YoungJae fled after you, I heard some rather.. suggestive noises coming from your bedroom as I was seeing myself out. Would either of you care to explain what exactly those noises were?”  
  
YoungJae choked on his own spit and even YongGuk seemed to be having a difficult time keeping himself in check with the way that his fists were clenched tightly at his sides. Daehyun swallowed, suddenly finding it difficult to speak past the lump in his throat. “You have no proof.”  
  
“There are cameras throughout the dorm. I informed all six of you of that fact when you moved into the building or had you forgotten?”  
  
The lump in Daehyun's throat became a boulder as he briefly recalled the conversation that Tae-Song was referring to. On the day the members had moved into the dorm, the CEO had laid down a list of ground rules that they had to follow, including willingly allowing cameras to be placed in the dorm so that the members could be observed in case of emergency. Nothing that was caught on camera had ever been brought up to them, so Daehyun had gotten too comfortable and forgotten the camera's presence. “You can see everything?” Daehyun questioned, already knowing the answer but feeling the insatiable need to hear the words spoken aloud.  
  
“Yes. Shall we watch the security tapes together to prove the validity of what we both already know, or will you go ahead and admit that I'm right so we can all move on?”  
  
“I initiated it,” YoungJae choked out, speaking for the first time since their secret had been brought to light. “Daehyun only went along with it because it was what I wanted.” Daehyun's eyes widened and he nearly bit his tongue trying to formulate coherent words to debunk YoungJae's blatant lies. The sex had been completely consensual, with both of them agreeing to it and equally desiring it, despite the possible repercussions. YoungJae, seeing Daehyun's internal struggle written clearly across his face, jerkily shook his head in a silent 'no'.  
  
“I don't care who initiated the act. Honestly, I don't particularly care that you two were together in that way. What I care about is seeing Daehyun perform at that festival this afternoon. If he performs and does it well, I'll allow your relationship to continue and will do my very best to ensure that it stays out of the media. Otherwise, you might wake up one morning with a very interesting article published about the two of you.”  
  
Daehyun met YongGuk's eyes, hoping that the leader would know what in the world that he was supposed to do in this apparent no-win scenario. YongGuk shook his head, completely unsure of what to do in that moment, though the CEO's words had made up his mind regarding the status of an important long-term decision. Tae-Song had once again made it clear that he valued money over the health of those signed to his label, and YongGuk had finally had enough. With a heavy heart, he came to the executive decision right then and there to file the lawsuit as soon as Junhong turned eighteen. The first step would be to talk it over with the older members after the concert. He would wait to inform the maknaes—they had dealt with too much already for him to add a lawsuit to their list of concerns just yet.  
  
The next step would be to get through the concert without having to rush another member to the hospital.

* * *

Two hours later, as the band was preparing to go on stage, YongGuk's resolution seemed much more difficult to uphold. Daehyun had nearly passed out during the rehearsal for the stage and had been forced to sit down and rest. Luckily the band was performing with other groups and would only be performing one song, but Daehyun's mind was hazy to the point that he could barely remember his name, let alone the choreography for the song.  
  
YoungJae's glare spoke volumes about how he felt about Tae-Song's decision, but Daehyun didn't particularly feel like arguing with him about a decision that they wouldn't be able to change. The best that they could hope to do would be to get through the song as quickly as possible so that they could all get much-needed sleep.  
  
Before any of them were mentally or physically prepared, they were being ushered onto the stage to perform Angel for the last time during the three-week long comeback.  
  
Daehyun felt like shit from the moment the music first started blaring through the speakers. The loud music and flashing lights intensified his already severe migraine, causing black spots to flicker across his field of vision.  
  
The vocalist stumbled and grabbed his head, silently willing himself to remain upright. Junhong gave him a sideways glance, eyes silently asking if he was okay.  
  
Daehyun nodded tightly, not bothering to go any further with his lie— it was obvious that he was far from being alright. Youngjae tried to make eye contact, but Daehyun pointedly glared at the floor. He hated worrying Youngjae, but in this situation, there was nothing that he could do to reassure him.  
  
Three minutes passed mercifully and hands grabbed at Daehyun as the song came to an end but he couldn't see who they belonged to—and by that point, he couldn't have cared less. Daehyun was vaguely aware of being dragged to another room and of someone undressing him, stripping his body of the too hot performance clothes and helping him into something far more comfortable. His vision was hazy again and he just wanted to lay down and sleep. The rest of the time he spent in the room passed by in a blur.  
  
Somewhere between the car and the parking lot, Daehyun lost consciousness.

* * *

Youngjae didn't cry often— for someone in their situation, none of them did. For Youngjae to cry, the situation had to be completely out of his control.  
  
Daehyun had regained consciousness mere hours after passing out in the parking lot, which had instantly relieved the stress weighing on Youngjae's shoulders. That relief had soon turned to worry when Daehyun insisted on going to a club to have a drink. Youngjae wanted to trust him, he really did, but Daehyun had proven that when drinking, he tended to overestimate his alcohol limit.  
  
Not to mention that out of everyone in B.A.P who deserved to have a drink, Daehyun was one of the members who undoubtedly deserved it the most. Tae-Song had put him through literal hell since the operation on his throat and had constantly threatened his career and position as lead singer.  
  
Youngjae wouldn't have argued with Daehyun if he had managed to prove that he could control himself, but sadly, the opposite had—more than once—proven to true. Youngjae had tried to convince Daehyun to stay home and relax with him to alleviate the stress, even going as far as not so subtly trying to turn Daehyun on, but to no avail.  
  
Daehyun had picked up on what Youngjae had been trying to do—distract him from drinking, which had led to their initial confrontation. Youngjae had finally broken down in response to Daehyun's angry goading and admitted that no, he didn't trust Daehyun when he drank.  
  
Enraged and hurt, Daehyun had stormed out of the dorm, leaving a crying Youngjae sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.  
  
Youngjae wasn't sure how long he sat like that, staring at the floor until the tears dried up, but it must give been awhile. Daehyun had probably gotten himself wasted by now, and there was nothing that Youngjae could do to except sit back and watch his boyfriend potentially destroy himself.  
  
Tears burned behind his eyes again and he blinked them away, realizing that crying would do nothing to fix the situation and would only succeed in giving him a headache. Daehyun would be fine—YoungJae just had to have faith that Daehyun would come to him for help before drinking turned into an issue that he wouldn't be able to resolve on his own.  
  
A sudden thought had YoungJae picking up his phone from where it rested on the bed next to his leg, urgently pressing the button to turn it on. Once the display was powered on, he was disappointed to find that he had no new messages—so Daehyun hadn't tried to call him. The discernment sent a jolt of hurt through his heart, though he quickly shook the feeling off—he hadn't really expected to have any missed calls of messages.  
  
Thankfully, YoungJae was brought out of his reverie by a soft knock on the bedroom door. Just as he was getting up to answer it, YongGuk poked his head through the opening. “YoungJae, are you busy?” he questioned, biting his lip as he did so. It was obvious that the leader had something important on his mind so YoungJae quickly shook his head no in response.  
  
“Of course not, hyung. What do you need?”  
  
Instead of answering, YongGuk pushed the door open completely, admitting himself and a worried looking HimChan into the room. YongGuk closed the door behind them before taking a seat on his bed, HimChan taking the space directly beside him. Both members gave YongGuk their undivided attention, the tension rolling off of their leader in waves becoming more palpable by the second. After a few moments of silence in which YongGuk seemed to be gathering his thoughts, the silence was finally broken by one earth-shattering truth. “I'm going to file a lawsuit.”  
  
YoungJae felt like the ground was rising up to meet him as he slowly forced his gaze up to meet YongGuk's. “You're...what?” he questioned disbelievingly, though his mind was screaming at him to say more, to protest because his worst fears could not be coming true.  
  
“I don't have any other choice. You don't have to be told about how fucking wrong how TS has been treating is because you both have lived it. I'm sick of sitting back and being too scared to defend my members! What good does being called leader do if I can't do shit to keep anyone safe?” YongGuk's expression was livid, fire lighting his dark eyes. YoungJae realized that arguing would be pointless—YongGuk's decision was final and the best he could hope to do would be to trust that the decision would be the right one. YongGuk seemed to calm himself slightly, some of the enraged passion leaving his eyes only to be replaced by a look of extreme tiredness, making him much older than his years. “I'm not a dictator—this is still a democracy and you all still have the right to your own opinions, but I hope you realize that if we don't do something about it, Tae-Song will continue to step on us and I'm not sure how much longer that I can handle that.”  
  
HimChan, who had become still as a statue, seemed to unfreeze. “I support you, Bang. I know that whatever decisions you make are for the good of the band. You have my support.” YongGuk smiled, not so subtly grabbing HimChan's hand and giving it a strong squeeze before turning his questioning gaze back to YoungJae.  
  
“What do you say, YoungJae?” YoungJae sighed, knowing what the answer that he believed in was but not wanting to admit that what he feared the most was more than likely their best option.  
  
“I don't want to—I really don't, but even I realize that we can't continue like this. So don't make me say it, just... know that I support your decision.”  
  
YongGuk smiled gratefully, a weight seeming to be lifted off of his shoulders. “I'm trusting you to tell Daehyun when he gets home and is sober enough to comprehend. I'll handle talking it over with JongUp and Junhong—we'll have to wait until Junhong is eighteen to file the lawsuit anyway.”  
  
YoungJae nodded, before frowning as a sudden realization came to mind. “There are cameras in the dorm.”  
  
YongGuk's small smile turned into a full smirk. “I know. I don't care if Tae-Song watches the tapes and hears this conversation. The only thing that he would get out of it would be a nice little fuck you. G-Dragon would be proud.” before they could stop themselves, HimChan and YoungJae both smiled as well, making sure to look around the room so that the camera was sure to pick up on their expressions of utter elation.

* * *

Daehyun dragged himself in the general direction of the dorm, his legs feeling as if though they were being weighed down by lead. It didn't take a genius to come to the conclusion that it wasn't lead that was weighing down Daehyun's legs, but his own personal guilt. He had intended to spend the night drinking away the stresses of his life, which were admittedly, too many to count, but had only managed to down a few shots before a voice in his head stopped him from finishing the next one.  
  
He liked to believe that it was his own inner conscience that caused him to put the drink down mid sip, though the rational part of his brain knew that it was YoungJae's concern that had made him stop while he was still ahead. Daehyun loved YoungJae even if he failed to properly show that sometimes, but he really did, and he hated nothing more than to disappoint him, especially when it came to concerns over his health.  
  
Pride prevented Daehyun from admitting the possibility that he might have a problem, despite the dominant part of his brain that knew that his drinking habits were far from normal. Daehyun knew why he was hesitant to admit that he couldn't control himself when it came to drinking—he knew that he spawned from the fact that his father had become an alcoholic when Daehyun was very young.  
  
He would never forget the day that his father had come home from work, tears staining his face and hands shaking as he lost every ounce of his pride and admitted to his wife that he had lost his job and spent the remainder of their savings on booze to satiate his debilitating habit. Daehyun's mom had broken down, collapsing to the floor in heart-wrenching sobs as Daehyun himself was brought to tears by the sheer weight of not being able to understand the problem that his father was having, and why he couldn't just get _better_.  
  
Daehyun remembered in full detail the pain that he experienced when his father had been coaxed into a rehabilitation center for six months when Daehyun was only six years old, leading to him missing his son's seventh birthday. His father had called him on that day—the date had been marked on his calendar since the first day that he had been admitted— and apologized that Daehyun had been stuck with a father like him. Daehyun had still been a child, and hadn't understood or wanted an apology— just to have his father back. The revelation had led to both of them crying on the phone for thirty minutes straight until someone had taken his father away.  
  
There was no way that Daehyun would be able to live with himself if he ever caused that kind of pain to YoungJae or any of the other members who cared about more him more than they cared about their own families. The five of them had invested too much love and trust into him for Daehyun to forsake that by doing something potentially reckless.  
  
So finally, Daehyun was ready to fight past his pride and admit to YoungJae that more than anything, he needed help and a shoulder to lean on.

* * *

YoungJae heard the door open before he saw Daehyun's silhouette enter into the quiet living room of the dorm. The singer's shoulders were hunched, as if in defeat but what was more than likely to be drunkenness. The light cut on, momentarily blinding YoungJae who gasped in surprise at the sudden brightness and shielded his eyes. When his eyes adjusted to the light, he was surprised to see Daehyun still standing a few feet away from him, an unreadable expression on his face. “Were you waiting for me?” he questioned, his tone just as unreadable as his expression.  
  
“Yeah. Someone had to.” YoungJae admitted, offering a slight nod. Daehyun, catching him completely off guard, crossed the last few feet of space between them and leaned down to the level that YoungJae was while sitting on the sofa, placing a gentle kiss to YoungJae's lips, effectively stealing the younger man's breath straight from his lungs. Daehyun pulled away first, a hesitant smile on his face.  
  
“Sorry.. just thank you.” he coughed, his throat beginning to feel like it was stuffed with cotton. “Just thank you for waiting for me.”  
  
YoungJae pulled him down for another kiss before resting his head against his boyfriend's. “Of course I would wait for you. I've been worried sick about your ass for hours now.” Daehyun's smiled disappeared and he frowned in obvious guilt. YoungJae pulled Daehyun onto the couch beside him before cuddling into his side. Daehyun's arm wound itself around YoungJae, tightly holding him to his side as he began to stroke a gentle hand through his jet black hair.  
  
After a few peaceful moments, Daehyun took a deep breath in order to prepare himself for what would undoubtedly be one of the most difficult conversations of his life. “You're right, you know. I can't control myself when I drink. I thought I could, but I can't.”  
  
“You controlled yourself tonight,” YoungJae argued, taking a whiff of Daehyun's jacket which smelled only faintly of alcohol. “I hardly tasted it when you kissed me.”  
  
Daehyun smiled, allowing himself a rare moment of pride, even if it was ill-earned. “I controlled myself because I thought of you. I don't want to hurt you, YoungJae. I never have.”  
  
“I know that. I never meant to make you think that I don't trust you because I would trust you with my life.” YoungJae's face fell and he sighed wistfully.  
  
“But you wouldn't trust me with my own?” Daehyun supplied helpfully, and YoungJae simply nodded, thankful for the fact that his face was buried into Daehyun's side so that he didn't have to make eye contact.  
  
“You have a problem, Dae.”  
  
“Yeah, I realized that. I'm not drinking because it's fun or because I particularly like the taste of alcohol. Frankly, most of it is disgusting. I'm drinking because it helps me cope. When I'm drunk, the pain—both mental and physical, is numbed to where I don't have to feel anything. Most of the time it's pretty peaceful but—” he paused momentarily to push a stray piece of hair out of YoungJae's eyes. “Drinking also numbs the feelings I have for you, and I don't want to lose you.”  
  
YoungJae wasn't crying, nope, his allergies were just kicking in. Hard. Only allergies didn't normally make your shoulders shake. Daehyun, quickly realizing that YoungJae was crying, hugged him tighter, wanting nothing more than to apologize for causing him so much pain already. YoungJae wiped the tears out of his eyes, a smile overtaking the tear streaked frown. “I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that. I was beginning to think that you didn't care.”  
  
“Really? You're the only reason that I didn't come home tonight smelling like a brewery.” Daehyun tilted YoungJae's face up so that they could make eye contact. “I care, YoungJae.”  
  
“I know you do, you just have a hard time showing it when you drink. I understand why, but you are _not_ your father. Just because you struggle with the same problem doesn't mean that you'll make the same mistakes that he did. We can help you before you ever get close to that point.”  
  
“Tae-Song really is a piece of shit for driving me to this point. I never thought of drinking until he put so much stress on me—I knew that I got drunk easily. I just never realized that I was susceptible to alcoholism.” Daehyun's fist clenched and YoungJae grabbed his hand, straightening out his knuckles and kissing each one gently.  
  
“Drinking makes you a completely different person.”  
  
“I don't like that person—I like being me,” Daehyun admitted, for the first time feeling like wanted to cry. Damn the dust in the room that was causing his eyes to water—HimChan really needed to dust the place better.  
  
“You're allowed to be you, as long as you don't continue letting Tae-Song get under your skin.”  
  
“From now on, I'll make it a point to stand up to him more. I won't let him bother me anymore because honestly, I don't care what he thinks of me. I don't want to have to impress someone like him. And.. I promise to quit drinking before it turns into a problem like my dad had. I could never do that to you.”  
  
“I'm glad because we're about to start going through more shit.” Daehyun raised a questioning eyebrow and YoungJae relented and spilled the news with a small huff.  
  
“YongGuk is filing a lawsuit when Junhong turns eighteen. We have a say in the matter, but we both know what we need to do.”  
  
“We talked about this. I thought you had come to terms with what might happen?”  
  
“I did, but that doesn't mean that I was ready to be told that my paranoia would actually become tangible. I'm used to believing that something could happen and when it never does, I forget about it.”  
  
“Well, you had a gut feeling that YongGuk was going to file a lawsuit. You're kind of creepy when you get those, because most of the time, you're right. That's why after you explained why you were worried, I didn't question you anymore. I just believed you.” Daehyun admitted sheepishly, and YoungJae smiled.  
  
“I love you, Dae.”  
  
“I know you do.”  
  
Needless to say, Daehyun took a cushion to the face


	21. Scene 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Short scene but I can't do any more with it. This is another instance where Overdose is way too personal and I avoided this scene like the plague. It's sad as hell and I apologize but... I have gotten to this point and it's a terrible place to be.

* * *

Living with depression is like living in a body that fights to survive while being controlled by a mind that has given up and is desperate to die. YongGuk had tried to fight past the crippling depression, tried to be stronger than his grief, but he was exhausted. Getting out of bed had become a chore for him, but most of the time, he didn't sleep—he just laid there tossing and turning for hours on end, trapped in the darkest recesses of his mind. For the longest time he had tried to pretend to be happy for the sake of B.A.P, but as soon as he realized that the members could see through his act, he had dropped the facade—there was no one left for him to fool with it.  
  
Each day it was a struggle for him to remain upright, to battle the constant conclusion that the only way out of his pain would result in his death. YongGuk fought the notion every time it presented itself at the forefront of his mind, reasoning as well as he could with his fragile mind that dying wasn't the option because statistics found that people who have survived suicide attempts regretted their decision. Only, YongGuk wasn't impulsive— at least not since his first attempt to take his own life. He had been valiantly warring with his own inner demons since the day that he had gotten the phone call that had very nearly made him lose his mind. The first attempt had indeed been an impulsive result of his grandfather's death—his demons had won out, beating the rational side of his mind into absolute submissiveness.  
  
YongGuk hadn't considered the toll that his death would have taken on the five boys who called him hyung until he had seen Junhong's tear-streaked face when he regained consciousness in the hospital. The youngest had stopped speaking to him for weeks after the attempt, refusing to understand the level that YongGuk's depression had reached because there was no way that any disorder could be severe enough to make him believe that his members wouldn't care if he died.  
  
Only, Junhong didn't _understand_ the struggle that YongGuk went through daily simply to keep up the appearance of being a functioning person, and often, he failed at keeping up even the apparition of someone healthy. A healthy person didn't have to be reminded to eat, begged to consume food when it was calculated that it had been days since had last put any sort of nutrients into his deprived system. A healthy person wasn't supposed to be spend all day in bed, unable to shut their mind off for even a few hours so that their body could get the rest that it so desperately needed. A healthy person wasn't _supposed_ to feel exhausted after finally managing to sleep.  
  
Who the was he kidding, though? YongGuk wasn't healthy physically due to the effects of malnutrition, and he sure as hell wasn't healthy mentally unless he was suddenly living in some alternate reality in which wanting to kill yourself was the norm, in which case, he would fit right the fuck in.  
  
YongGuk tried to put his members before his pain, but everything seemed to fall second to the crippling emotions that seemed to block out any source of joy that threatened to brighten his otherwise dark and desolate universe. YongGuk had stopped denying the fact that he was depressed not long after he was diagnosed. What was the point of putting up a front of normalcy when no one was convinced by the false pretense?  
  
Depression was hotwired into YongGuk's system after years of barely managing to survive its ruthless onslaught. He had days where he felt fine—during those rare times he ate, slept and interacted with his bandmates. In some sick and twisted way, it was seeing what life could have been like had his grandfather not died and changed his personality for the worse. Most of the time he felt like a zombie like he was barely living and edging closer to the barely established line of insanity. Those were the days when he was unable to see the world around him. YongGuk knew that it had been one of those days that HimChan's negative opinions about his body had hit an all time low, spurring him into obsessive behavior that had detrimental effects on his already failing health.  
  
Self-blame was at the root of YongGuk's problems. No matter how hard he looked at the situation from another less self-deprecating angle, the only possible conclusion that he could come to was that his grandfather's death could have been prevented had he been home more to realize that his grandfather was sick. The same applied to HimChan; as much time as the two spent together considering their particular relationship, he still had failed to notice HimChan's internal struggle even though he wanted to punch himself in the face now as memories resurfaced of going to restaurants and HimChan refusing to eat anything. The fact that HimChan had been starving himself had been _obvious_ , yet he had failed to notice it in time before potentially deadly repercussions were experienced.  
  
HimChan could have _died_ and YongGuk would have been none the wiser. If HimChan had died, he was sure that he would just retreat into his numb shell, refusing to face the world because the weight of it just hurt too _fucking_ much. YongGuk would have yet another death on his hands that he would never be able to forgive himself for. Forgiveness was meant to be earned, but how could he earn the forgiveness of the dead?  
  
YongGuk cradled his head in his hands, weakly staving off hot tears that threatened to overflow from tightly closed eyes. He was alone in the dorm, leaving him with his thoughts and with no hope for distraction. YongGuk reached into the nightstand drawer beside his bed, fingers fumbling around for a few seconds before closing around a cold metallic object. He retrieved the watch that his grandmother had given him when he had gone to visit, turning it over to stare at the digital interface with a somber sigh. The time still read 4:44, even though his bedside clock read 10:05. YongGuk would have laughed at the irony had it not been for the unfortunate implications of watch stopping at 4:44.  
  
In Chinese mythology, the number four signifies death as the pronunciation of the word is similar to the Chinese word for death, and therefore the number is avoided as superstitiously. YongGuk wasn't a particularly superstitious person, but his grandfather had put an obscene amount of validity into superstitions and had often tried to pass on those superstitions to YongGuk who had tried his entire life to not be swayed by them. For a long, while he had thought that he had done a fairly acceptable job at keeping to his opinions but his entire mindset had been shattered the moment that his grandmother had given him his dead grandfather's watch, stopped at 4:44.  
  
The moment that he had gotten the watch had been the moment that YongGuk's depression had returned in full force, no that he had made much progress with it in the first place, but for awhile, he had been _better_. The watch had crushed his spirits and made him consider something that he hadn't been able to bring himself to even _think_ about since had last attempted it.  
  
YongGuk didn't think that suicide was the answer. He knew that time was the best medicine for healing, but that was just it. He didn't want to spend more time suffering from depression no promise that he would ever truly recover. Simply put, YongGuk was _tired_ and suicide seemed like the only option left to him that wouldn't involve long term suffering.  
  
He could make it quick, near painless. There were numerous ways for humans to end their own lives—he just had to pick one and carry it out, _successfully_ this time. YongGuk wasn't sure if he would actually attempt to end his life again, but the option was there and he had never been more tempted to take it.  
  
YongGuk wanted to die. 


	22. Scene 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Well. This scene is..sad to say the least. Possible trigger warning for those with a past of eating disorders.

 HimChan sighed warily as he pushed open the door to the band's shared bedroom. It was 10:30 in the morning and he had just returned from recording his lines for the new single. The other four were still recording and YongGuk had finished his lines first, which meant that it was only him and Bang in the dorm. HimChan valued the privacy.  
  
Honestly, the conversation that he was determined to have was not something that he wanted the other members to eavesdrop on, whether intentionally or unintentionally. HimChan trusted the other members, but they were going through their own problems and he hated the prospect of adding to them, especially with the knowledge that much of JongUp's recent stress had been caused by him.  
  
YongGuk was laying on his back on his bed when HimChan approached, eyes wide open and gazing unseeingly at the ceiling. HimChan coughed to get his attention, and YongGuk's dark eyes immediately snapped up to his face. His eyes softened when he focused his gaze on the other man, a small smile replacing the frown. The expression melted slowly when he noticed the look on HimChan's face. “HimChan, what's wrong?”  
  
HimChan gulped, uncertainty making him lose his nerve. Was he really ready to admit to all of his insecurities? He honestly wasn't sure if he would be able to face them without breaking down and he didn't want to put the burden of staying strong for him on YongGuk's already weighed down shoulders. Despite his fears, HimChan took a seat on the bed next to YongGuk's legs, the older man sliding over closer to the wall to give him adequate room. “You remember what the doctor said when I went to the hospital, right?”  
  
“Yes,” YongGuk replied simply, voice cold and eyes darkening slightly at the memory of finding HimChan unconscious and barely breathing on the kitchen floor. He remembered rushing HimChan to the hospital and being told that the reason that he had gotten sick was because he had been starving himself for God knew how long. “I do.”  
  
“Do you agree with him?” HimChan intentionally phrased the question vaguely, still not quite ready to delve into the doctor's diagnosis.  
  
“Agree with who about what, HimChan?” YongGuk snapped. He took a calming breath before making eye contact with HimChan who barely managed to stop himself from looking away from the penetrating gaze. “Do I agree with the doctor that you have a problem?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I agree with Doctor Hyun.” YongGuk didn't bother sugarcoating the revelation. HimChan's expression didn't change at all—he had already resigned himself to the fact that YongGuk would have inevitably sided against him. “You're sick. Believe me, I want to say that you're just fine, but that would be lying and you're already lying enough to yourself.”  
  
“I'm not sick, YongGuk. I can stop anytime I want to.” HimChan defended, but his earlier frustrations returned and he clenched his fist. Why did he get the impression that he was lying to himself?  
  
“Then why didn't you quit after you nearly _died_? You're not as stealthy as you think you are. You waited until everyone was asleep before you puked up what you ate at dinner, which wasn't even half of a salad. You forget that when the other members are asleep, I'm usually awake. I _heard_ you, HimChan. I heard you making yourself so fucking sick and there was nothing I could do about it because I knew that you would deny it. I couldn't stand to hear you lie blatantly to my face like you did to JongUp.” YongGuk paused, the grip on his sheets tightening to the point that his knuckles turned white. “JongUp blames himself for you having to be taken to the hospital since he was the first one to find out about what you do to yourself. He's literally making himself sick over it. The headaches and nausea—that's being caused because he's worrying about you and everyone else and he has no idea what he's supposed to do. JongUp is older than Junhong so sometimes we forget, but he's still a _kid_. I don't think you can just stop because I know you. You're not cold hearted enough to keep doing this to yourself knowing that it's not only hurting you.”  
  
HimChan couldn't breathe and he quickly realized that he was hyperventilating. YongGuk sat up quickly and rubbed soothing circles into HimChan's back with one hand while stroking his disheveled black hair with the other. “Breathe, HimChan,” YongGuk commanded. HimChan shook his head, a choked gasp escaping from his mouth. Guilt constricted his heart making it impossible for him to draw air into his lungs. “HimChan if you need to cry, then cry. It isn't like I've never seen you at your worst. Just let go.”  
  
YongGuk's words reached HimChan who finally allowed himself to break down, a second more powerful gasp escaping him. The gasp was followed by another and soon HimChan was crying, tears blurring his vision making it impossible for him to see. YongGuk continued to stroke his back and he was sure that the comforting gesture was the only thing keeping him grounded. HimChan cried for several minutes before he slowly began to calm down, the gasps transforming into small hiccups. YongGuk wiped away the tears that had collected in the corner of HimChan's eyes with his finger. HimChan's eyeliner had streaked and stained the area underneath his eyes black, giving him the appearance of a deathly sick person.  
  
YongGuk inconspicuously wiped his hand on his bedsheet to get rid of the black that had accumulated on his finger before sighing and wrapping an arm around HimChan's shoulders, drawing the younger closer to him. “Now are you ready to have an honest conversation? I can see how much it hurts you, but if we don't help you face your demons, you're going to die, HimChan.”  
  
HimChan nodded against YongGuk's chest. “What do you want to know?”  
  
“How long have you been making yourself sick?” YongGuk didn't really want to know, but he knew that he would never be able to forgive himself if he didn't ask.  
  
HimChan bit his lip, taking care not bite hard enough to draw blood. “Since before debut. Tae-Song told me not long after I was recruited to be a trainee that I needed to lose weight. I had already lost a lot of weight from when I was young, but I was still a bit heavy. He told me that I would never be attractive to female fans if I stayed at that weight. I'd already become self-conscious about my body because of some stupid comments that people made about me, but it didn't bother me too much until Tae-Song said that about me. He pretty effectively destroyed any self-confidence I might have had, which wasn't much, to begin with.”  
  
“I could kill that bastard.” YongGuk's voice was a low growl and the statement rang with truth. He wasn't sure if he would be able to stop himself from killing Tae-Song if given the chance—he had never had so much hate for one person in his entire life. Especially now that he knew that Tae-Song was the reason that HimChan starved himself and almost didn't have the ability to think that he looked attractive in anything.  
  
“I know you could, but that doesn't mean that you should,” HimChan said levelly as he lifted his head from YongGuk's chest so that he could look into his eyes. A small smirk formed on his lips and YongGuk raised a questioning eyebrow. “You're filing a lawsuit after Junhong turns eighteen. He'll lose the money that we make him and we know from experience that he doesn't care about anything but money. Losing the ability to feed his greed will be another more torturous form of death for him. Plus we can take pleasure in it without being arrested.”  
  
“You're diabolical,” YongGuk joked before his expression became serious once again. “but the asshole deserves it.”  
  
“Do you want to ask anything else?” HimChan questioned, voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“Have you never believed me when I compliment your looks?”  
  
“I believe you at first,” HimChan admitted, offering YongGuk a sad smile before continuing. “but I always manage to talk myself down to the point where I think that you're saying it out of pity. It's stupid but I can't accept compliments because I don't see what everyone else sees.”  
  
“Obviously I think that you're pretty damn attractive.” YongGuk said nonchalantly and HimChan had the good decency to blush. “You know that Ji-Eun was flirting with me but I turned her down for you, right?”  
  
“Ji-Eun is gorgeous!” HimChan exclaimed in shock and YongGuk nodded in agreement.  
  
“Yeah, she is,” YongGuk pressed his forehead against HimChan's, allowing a small smile to grace his features. “but I think you're prettier.”  
  
HimChan choked on his own spit and YongGuk pulled away laughing. “You have to believe me somewhat. You wouldn't be blushing if you thought that I was lying.”  
  
“You're the only one thinks that, then.”  
  
YongGuk's eyes narrowed. “Do you ever go on Twitter or Instagram and read comments on your pictures?”  
  
“Never,” HimChan admitted after a few seconds of awkward silence. “I never check them because I don't want to see what people have to say.”  
  
“Give me your phone.”  
  
HimChan sighed and pulled his black smartphone out of his pocket and handed the device over to YongGuk who unlocked it without issue. HimChan raised an eyebrow but didn't question how YongGuk knew the password without HimChan having any past knowledge of divulging it to him. YongGuk pulled up HimChan's Instagram and clicked on the most reason picture that HimChan had uploaded, which was a selfie taken on the set of Angel taken during filming.  
  
In the photograph HimChan's normally pale complexion was ashen and he looked exhausted and sick. YongGuk scanned through the comments and found just what he expected that he would. The comments on the picture ranged from complimenting HimChan's appearance to commenting on how sick and unhealthy he looked. Most comments shared one common theme; the unanimous belief that HimChan didn't appear to be eating enough. “Read through these comments.” HimChan's face paled but YongGuk forced the phone back into his hand despite the unspoken protest. “They're not bad, I promise. Just read them.”  
  
YongGuk watched HimChan closely as he read the comments over his shoulder. HimChan's face remained impassive but the atmosphere in the room had changed drastically. YongGuk wasn't sure how to describe it but the only word that came to mind that truly had any hope of describing the sudden change would be relief. HimChan read a few more comments before gazing into YongGuk's eyes. “I—”  
  
“Didn't know that so many of the fans care about you and want you to be healthy?”  
  
“Yeah..”  
  
“Well they do,” YongGuk stated matter of factly. “and so do we. You don't have to be stick thin to be attractive. You always look so much better when you let yourself eat. You're more vibrant, more _alive_ when you're not starving to death.”  
  
“You don't know how long it been since I could last believe someone when they gave me a compliment. And to have so many comments at once that I can actually believe it's overwhelming.”  
  
“In this case, being overwhelmed is better than the alternative.” YongGuk reminded him insistently.  
  
“True. This is more progress than I've made since I stopped eating in the first place.” HimChan confessed, frowning as he realized the true weight of his situation. “I haven't been able to be confident about any pictures that I've taken. I just end up not taking them for awhile.”  
  
“Take one with me now?” YongGuk suggested and HimChan blanched before nodding stiffly.  
  
“Sure. My hair is probably messed up because I was sweating, but I won't worry about that right now.”  
  
“You look amazing,” YongGuk assured with his signature gummy smile. “now let's take this picture.” YongGuk snapped the photo and saved it to his phone before not so subtly saving it as his lock screen. HimChan broke out into a wide smile.  
  
“We actually look pretty good.”  
  
“Surprise, we always look good. You're just now noticing it.” YongGuk teased before bringing back the somber mood that had been dissipated by their joking. “You know that getting better isn't going to be easy, right?”  
  
“No YongGuk, I wasn't aware that rewriting my entire mentality about my body would be the least bit difficult. I was so _sure_ that it would be simple, almost like flicking a light switch.” HimChan's voice was dripping with so much sarcasm that he could almost taste it and he quickly felt guilty for taking his anger out on YongGuk who he knew was trying to help. “Sorry, I shouldn't have said it like that. I just know that this is probably going to be the hardest obstacle I've ever had to overcome and I'm afraid of failing.”  
  
“You won't fail. The first step is going to one of those support groups that Doctor Hyun suggested. I saw the cards in the trash and salvaged them. Pick the one you want to go to and you can start next week.”  
  
HimChan sighed. He wasn't excited about making his eating disorder public but he knew that YongGuk wouldn't let him walk out of this one. The doctor's orders were meant to be followed and HimChan didn't want to disobey them. He couldn't bear to think about what it would do to the other members if he ended up like Doctor Hyun's daughter. “I want to go the group at Doctor Hyun's hospital.”  
  
“Give him a call. He'll be happy to hear that you want to let him help.” YongGuk smiled softly before becoming lost in his own thoughts. He was glad that he had seemingly managed to help HimChan even begin to recover from his problems. The leader was determined to help save every member of his band that he had the power to. What the other five including HimChan didn't know is that they were rapidly running out of time to save YongGuk from his greatest adversary.  
  
YongGuk's greatest enemy was _himself_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N I'm not excited for the next scene. It has been heavily implied what the next scene will consist of so consider that possible trigger warning. I'll leave another warning on the next A/N


	23. Scene 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N This chapter was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to write. I don't know what else I'm supposed to say in this A/N other than this; trigger warning for anyone sensitive to the topic of suicide/suicide attempts and or feelings. This chapter is everything that I could have made it. Also, it's the longest chapter yet so make sure you're prepared for a long read. Thank you to everyone who has subscribed/followed/commented, etc.

YongGuk was alone, more alone than he could remember being in his entire life. The other members had left to go eat at a local restaurant, leaving him alone after he told them that he wasn't hungry. They hadn't believed him—that much had been obvious with the concerned glances they had sent his way, but they hadn't tried to force him. He had locked the door to the dorm as soon as he had heard the front door click shut.  
  
Not that it really mattered whether or not the other members were home. It wasn't like he had made a habit of confiding in them when suicidal thoughts consumed his mind. Normally YongGuk did a fairly adequate job of talking himself out of the decision but tonight the war in his mind was rapidly switching tides and he found himself humoring the possibility of ending it all.  
  
Nothing had changed exponentially in his life to influence his decision. YongGuk had been fighting a losing battle since the phone call that had changed his entire life, as proven by his previous suicide attempt. He hadn't tried to kill himself since—not out of a change of heart, but out of courtesy to his bandmates. YongGuk loved them, he really did and didn't want to hurt them. His life had become a walking paradox because, in order to avoid hurting the ones that he loved, he had to continue to allow himself to be tormented by a life he no longer wanted to live.  
  
People might ask why he couldn't just get over losing his grandfather, which was a simple enough question. Sadly, such a simple question didn't have a straightforward answer. Why don't people who lose a leg keep walking afterward? Why don't people who are incarcerated get released directly after being put into prison? YongGuk couldn't get over losing his grandfather because his loss left a void in his life that could be filled by nothing else other than having his grandpa back. The void was a gaping hole in his heart that left him open, slowly draining him of his soul and desire to live.  
  
YongGuk had been less than a shell of himself since the day of his grandfather's funeral. He vaguely remembered being led into the church by YongNam and sitting in the front row of pews with the rest of his grieving family. Everything after the funeral was a blur. Album promotions, variety shows, music programs, none of it stood out to him. His entire life for a year after his grandfather's death was lost to the numbness of depression. The first memory that he had retained after losing his grandfather was his suicide attempt.  
  
The numbness hadn't been what drove YongGuk over the edge that night, in fact, the opposite was true. YongGuk had felt every emotion that he had been numbing for a year, all at once; pain, regret, grief and most notably, self-blame. The sudden flood of emotion had been caused by something that would have otherwise been insignificant and overlooked by him, but in that moment, had made him realize the true gravity of what he had lost when his grandfather's soul had left the world. He had been browsing YouTube when an advertisement on a video had started to play. At first, the advertisement had been uninteresting to him, simply showing a young boy playing with blocks while sitting on a carpeted floor. What happened after had brought YongGuk to tears faster than he had the ability to realize that he was crying.  
  
An older man, probably in his early sixty approached the young boy with his hands behind his back, a wide grin on his face. The child's head popped up and he grinned excitedly at the gentleman who was presumably his grandfather. The man had kneeled down beside his grandson and with no words had handed him a tigger toy, the same type that YongGuk's own grandfather had gifted him with on his sixth birthday.  
  
YongGuk had broken down instantly, the memory of his entire childhood being raised by his grandfather overwhelming him and making the longing he felt in his absence unbearable. In that moment, YongGuk hadn't been able to see past the blinding pain that finally admitting to himself that his grandfather would never come back caused him. Up until that point, some part of his brain had been in denial, a self-defense mechanism of a sort. The illusion had been shattered and the only thing that his brain could process was that it had lost the center of its universe. YongGuk had lost the one person who brought a sense of stability to his life, the only person in his life who had given him a balance of stern mentor figure and best friend.  
  
When YongGuk had taken the pills, he hadn't been thinking about his bandmates. He hadn't been thinking about his family or anyone that would be affected by his death. He had simply been looking for a way out of the pain that he had been forced to feel. YongGuk wanted to say that he had regretted his decision upon waking up in the hospital, but he hadn't. He had regretted hurting his bandmates and family, but he had never regretted the attempt on his life.  
  
He had spent too many nights unable to sleep, eyes itchy and red with unshed tears and heart constricting so painfully that he was sure he was going have a heart attack to regret trying to end all of the suffering. Suffering that until then, he had endured without a word to anyone, without a single complaint or indicator that he was slowly succumbing to a losing battle. Or in his skewed opinion, winning, because he had taken solace in the fact that if he had succeeded that night, he would at least be reunited with his grandfather.  
  
Deep down in his heart YongGuk knew that his grandfather had been a supporter of the old ways and living your life to the fullest and only slowing down when your body grew old, but never before. He had also been set in his ways about taking your own life, believing it to be one of the greatest sins that one could commit. His beliefs hadn't been religious, but more personal opinion based on science rooted in superstition; people who survived suicide attempts generally regretted their decision. YongGuk's grandfather had believed that people who succeeded in taking their own lives never fully found peace due to lingering regrets. YongGuk knew he was different because he was dead set on his decision—his reasoning was solid enough for him because the aching in his heart was a very real reminder that he was missing part of his soul.  
  
YongGuk, who was nearly beside himself with grief, reached under his bed and fumbled around in the darkness for a few seconds until his fingers closed around the slim neck of a bottle. He pulled the bottle from under the bed and uncapped it, quickly took a swig of the bitter soju, then another, considerably larger draw. The alcoholic burn of the drink did nothing to distract him from his thoughts, but it did give him something to hold onto. YongGuk's grip on the bottle was iron clad and he had the fleeting notion of loosening his grip before the bottle shattered but was stopped by a stronger, more prominent notion. If the bottle shattered, he could use a piece of the glass to slit his wrist—he could make his death look like an accident if he left enough evidence to incriminate the broken remnants of the bottle.  
  
In the end, YongGuk loosened his grip on the bottle but continued to gulp down the drink with no qualms about the fact that the band was expected to be at practice later that afternoon. YongGuk knew that if he continued down the war path that he was raging on, he wouldn't live to walk into the practice room a final time. He was the leader of B.A.P, the glue that held them together and the one who brought structure to the group. He realized that he brought to the band exactly what his grandfather had brought to his life, but the band didn't need him like he had needed his grandfather. Despite what they might have argued, B.A.P would be fine without him. HimChan would have to learn how to be more authoritative but at the end of the day, he would manage to become a damn good leader in YongGuk's stead. After all, he had learned from the best himself.  
  
YongGuk hated that he would be putting that pressure on HimChan while he was still learning how to handle his own problems but he knew that despite what he believed, HimChan was much stronger than he gave himself credit for. He would rise to the position of leader while still managing his recovery because he had too much pride to accept failure. In all honesty, YongGuk respected his strength and wished that he himself possessed the same aptitude for not giving up but he was what he was, and that was defeated. The fight had left him and he no longer felt like he was fit to be leader—the depression was an ailment that made it difficult for him to be there emotionally for his band and physically he was too tired to keep up. YongGuk would have joked that he was getting old, only he knew that he was still considerably young and age wasn't what weighed his bones down in the morning.  
  
YongGuk sighed wistfully as his thoughts went down a more emotional route. HimChan had been his... _whatever_ exactly they were practically since B.A.P's debut. They were romantic, they kissed and hugged and YongGuk knew without question that he loved HimChan (and maybe loved what else he got out of the arrangement) but they had never attached labels to themselves, like boyfriend. In every sense of the word except for officially, they were a couple. YongGuk depended on HimChan and vice versa—romantic elements aside, HimChan was his right-hand man and the one that he confided in the most. Not this time, however. Not when having HimChan on his side could stem the tide of his unwavering decision. HimChan was overwhelmed enough as it stood and YongGuk would be damned if he added to the struggle before he dumped a whole bucket of shit over HimChan's head.  
  
HimChan would more than likely be heartbroken over YongGuk's death, but he was strong enough to move on—find a nice girl or guy and settle down after B.A.P ran its course. HimChan could find happiness, something that in his current state YongGuk would be unable to provide for him. If nothing else, HimChan of all people deserved to be _happy_. YongGuk loved HimChan and whatever the true nature of their complicated relationship was, he had never lied about that, but despite what some people proclaimed, love just wasn't enough to eradicate thoroughly ingrained mental illnesses such as depression. Though in the case of YongGuk, love would have prevented him from developing overwhelming depression if he hadn't lost someone so close to his heart.  
  
YongGuk took another long sip of the soju, the burning sensation caused by the alcohol having long since become a familiar evil. He no longer coughed as he swallowed, allowing him to gulp the clear liquid rapidly. By this point, his senses were dulled but he was still fully in control of his mind and body. In some far off part of his mind he wished that he was drunk— that way they could have something to blame his decision on other than the true and ugly reason that spurred him into action as he slowly stood up from his bed and made his way to the dresser where he kept his medicine.  
  
His doctor had prescribed him muscle relaxants to help him sleep at night after his insomnia had worsened, which had proved to be a mistake on his part when YongGuk had used the medication in his previous suicide attempt. The doctor had expressed his concern over allowing YongGuk to continue using the prescribed muscle relaxants but had been assured that YongGuk could be trusted after a successful “rehabilitation” at the hospital. YongGuk would have laughed, but absolutely nothing about his situation was funny, including the irony that this time he would succeed in ending his life with a medication that he had twice been trusted with when he had lied to gain that trust.  
  
Rather than laughing, YongGuk uncapped the recently refilled bottle and dumped half of the white tablets into his hand, hoping that the amount he ingested would mix with the soju and create the lethal combination necessary. He didn't hesitate as he tipped his head back and dropped the pills into his mouth, swallowing them all at once with the help of another sip of soju.  
  
YongGuk made his way back to his bed and sat down heavily on the mattress. From experience, he knew that the medication was fast acting and typically took no more than thirty minutes to take effect, but with twice the recommended dosage coursing through his system, fifteen minutes would probably be all the time that he had before... _what_ exactly?  
  
What exactly happened when you died? Was it really all golden gates in a holy white contrast, or was that belief far fetched? Was it dark and desolate for people who took their own lives? Most of all, would his grandfather be waiting for him, or would he be in another branch of heaven designated for people who followed God's will and passed away naturally? YongGuk held his head in his hands and groaned in frustration. Even death was mocking him, shedding light on how little he had actually thought the process of death. He had been so focused on the actual task of killing himself and had forgotten to consider the condition that his decision would leave him in. He could only pray to God or whatever divine entity was listening that the condition that his dongsaengs found him in wasn't too horrible. He didn't want to make the discovery any more difficult for them.  
  
YongGuk didn't notice it right away when his eyelids slowly started to droop shut. He felt tired and knew without much thought that the medicine was beginning its journey through his veins. He laid back on the bed, picking up the pill bottle and soju from where he had laid them on the bed next to him. He wasn't sure why he had brought the evidence to the bed but in a way, he attributed it to wanting to help his band-mates piece together what had occurred as easily as possible.  
  
For the first time, YongGuk allowed his mind to wander to each his band-mates, his dongsaengs, his younger brothers. His mind went back to HimChan first, lingering on the romantic moments that they had shared away from the prying eyes (for the most part except for when Daehyun had caught them) of the other members, kissing and making love, because, with HimChan, that was what it had been. Their relationship was only complicated to those who didn't understand them, but to them, it made perfect sense. YongGuk loved HimChan, and there had never been a need to mark his territory. Boyfriend was just a title often given without true emotion behind it— in the end, it wasn't necessary for them and in the end, complicated their relationship due to possible negative publicity.  
  
YongGuk's mind then wandered to the couple of B.A.P who had against all odds and expectations of them, established themselves as an official couple. DaeHyun and YoungJae had always had a complicated relationship, but the love that they felt for each other had always been worn on their sleeves, just out of sight and reach of themselves and their significant other. YongGuk had always seen the special care that the two had given each other, had noticed the looks and penetrating gazes that they had trained on each other. He never failed to miss how their hugs at reward shows were a little bit longer than was socially acceptable and how YoungJae had an unbreakable habit of leaning on Daehyun unconsciously like the older was the pillar of strength that held him up. Undoubtedly the two would need each other more than ever in the coming months, so YongGuk was particularly glad that the two of them had each other to depend on.  
  
Next, despite how YongGuk wished that it wouldn't, his mind began formulating thoughts of JongUp, the “grown-up” maknae of B.A.P. Though he couldn't deny that JongUp had done a considerable amount of growing up since debut, in YongGuk's eyes he was still young and needed guidance to survive in the music industry. The kid was talented beyond all doubts, but he was also scatterbrained and oftentimes socially awkward. Despite what he YongGuk would like to have admitted, he knew that despite those characteristics, JongUp was incredibly intelligent and wise for his age and saw far more than what the older members would have liked him to. JongUp had been making himself sick with worry for the other members and it ate a whole in YongGuk's stomach to think that he had been adding to the dancer's stress, though he wasn't naive enough to believe that his condition had left JongUp unscathed. In some irrational way, YongGuk hoped that his passing would decrease some of the burdens on his shoulders, though he knew that for awhile at least, JongUp would probably put the blame on himself. He was just like YongGuk in that regard and if he was honest, it worried YongGuk to a certain extent. Hopefully, JongUp would be able to break that habit before it broke him.  
  
YongGuk sighed as his thoughts were consumed by the last member. Junhong, their little Cherry Tomato, had matured over the years but was still a young teenager. YongGuk wanted to believe that they had managed to shield him from the realities of the industry better than they had JongUp, but he knew that he was hoping for too much. Junhong was amazingly talented, but acting was not one of his skills. YongGuk had seen the distaste on the maknae's face every time they were around Tae-Song and had without any hint of doubt noticed the way that Junhong's eyes instantly became guarded whenever the CEO was around. His normally boyish face became older when his jaw stiffened and his eyes bored holes into TS's back. YongGuk could see that Junhong knew more about what his hyungs wouldn't tell him than they would liked to have to admit—after all he was young, not blind and after TS forcing both Junhong and JongUp to perform the complicated dance routine before either were ready had definitely contributed to the lack of trust and respect that the maknaes had for the director.  
  
Though in reality, YongGuk was concerned about Junhong for more personal reasons than simply future dealings with the CEO in his inevitable absence. YongGuk's mind was jumping to what Junhong would do when he realized that YongGuk had committed suicide. The two of them had spoken about his previous suicide attempt only once or twice afterward, and each time it had been obvious that Junhong had forgiven YongGuk for the attempt, though he hadn't learned how to trust him again. Junhong still didn't trust him as far as YongGuk was aware and in a way, he was disappointed to be dying before ever regaining his youngest band-mate's trust. On the other hand, this suicide attempt would be less disappointment for Junhong who because he didn't trust YongGuk yet, must have been expecting the past to repeat itself.  
  
Without warning, YongGuk's eyes fell closed, and he no longer had the energy to open them. The bottle of muscle relaxants fell from his hand, scattering the floor with the white tablets, and the bottle of soju fell to the floor, cracking on impact and allowing some of the strong smelling contents to escape onto the hardwood floor. YongGuk's breathing slowed immensely, as did his pulse. Though he could no longer see past the blackness that had overtaken his mind, he could hear, and what he heard had his breath catching in his throat.  
  
He heard his grandfather's voice.

* * *

“JongUp? You didn't have to come if you weren't feeling well, you know. We would have brought food home with us,” YoungJae's tone was scolding as he glanced at JongUp from across the table. The dancer was sickly pale and hadn't touched the food he had ordered, which had more than likely already turned cold. He raised his eyes up to meet YoungJae's and for the first time, YoungJae noticed the dark circles underneath his eyes. “You look horrible.”  
  
JongUp didn't answer for fear of opening his mouth. YoungJae wasn't far off—he hadn't been feeling well since he had woken up. He had gone to bed the night before with a migraine after spending a few hours worrying about everyone, which seemed to have become his nightly routine. His migraine had worsened rather than going away as he had originally expected it to, leaving him feeling horrible as YoungJae had so kindly pointed out. JongUp tried to ignore the growing feeling of nausea but it was quickly becoming that apparent that being surrounded by assorted scents of food was not ideal for overcoming an unsettled stomach.  
  
Without uttering a single word, JongUp pushed his chair away from the table and quickly made his way to the restroom, leaving the other four members to stare after him. After a few moments of sitting in silence while the other members finished their meals (aside from HimChan who had eaten half of his meal before pushing it away), Junhong stood up and gave his hyungs a weak smile. “I'm going to go and check on JongUp. He's been gone for awhile.”  
  
Ten minutes later Junhong returned, an ashen-faced JongUp trailing along slowly behind him. No words had to be spoken for the other members to see that JongUp was sick. Everyone stood up, HimChan paid the bill, and the group made their way to the van and headed home.  
  
None of them were prepared for what they would find when they arrived back at the dorm.

* * *

Junhong pushed open the door to the band's dorm with one hand and led JongUp inside with the other hand pressed to the dancer's back. JongUp had closed his eyes to walk into the dorm due to the blinding sunlight aggravating his migraine. Once the two were inside, they were met with a silence that was almost eerie in the way that it encased the entire building. Aside from the unnerving silence, the dorm was normal and Junhong and JongUp failed to notice that anything was wrong, until they reached the bedroom. The door resisted when they tried to push it open and the two quickly realized that it was locked from the inside. JongUp raised an eyebrow and Junhong shrugged as nonchalantly as possible, though, in his mind, he was panicking.  
  
“YongGuk-hyung?” he called loudly. He received no reply, only the increasingly ominous silence greeting him. A moment later Daehyun entered the hallway and quickly took stock of the situation.  
  
“HimChan, grab Manger Kang's key from his room,” he commanded, yelling over his shoulder at HimChan who had just approached the scene. YoungJae sent Daehyun a questioning gaze, biting his lip worriedly. Daehyun understood his concern—YongGuk had locked himself in the bedroom after they had all left. The behavior was unusual as it was a shared room and none of them made a habit of locking each other out.  
  
Daehyun's silent worrying was interrupted by HimChan returning with the manager's key. HimChan unlocked the door and before anyone could stop him Junhong pushed the door open and stepped inside. Silence reigned for only a moment longer before being broken by a scream that could only be described as devastated.  
  
“YongGuk!” without a word, the other five members ran into the room, immediately stalling as dread froze their bones. White pills littered the ground around YongGuk's bed, and the scent of alcohol permeated the room. Though it was what they saw on the bed that stole the breath straight from their lungs.  
  
YongGuk laid on his back on the bed, eyes closed and complexion drained of all color. From the distance they were standing, none of them could tell if the leader was breathing or not. Junhong was crouched down beside him, tears streaking his face. HimChan unfroze and immediately went to his dresser to retrieve the phone that he kept stored there for emergencies. He dialed the number for emergency services, wincing as Junhong's incoherent rambling made it difficult for him to hear as an operator answered his call.  
  
By this point the other members had unfrozen, Daehyun having approached YongGuk to check his pulse. A he felt a slow, irregular pulsation against his fingers and allowed himself to release a small sigh of relief. “He has a pulse, and he's breathing. I'm guessing that he overdosed on his muscle relaxants.”  
  
“He did it intentionally,” YoungJae muttered softly, sitting on the floor beside Junhong who was sobbing without restraint. YoungJae pulled the maknae closer to him, to which Junhong immediately attempted to pull away.  
  
“Stop! I'm not leaving YongGuk,” he yelled, frantically reaching towards the bed which was just out of his reach. YoungJae held him tighter and stroked his back reassuringly.  
  
“I'm not asking you to. You have to try and calm down before you make yourself sick.” seemingly too exhausted to argue, Junhong sagged against YoungJae who held him. He had to be a pillar of strength for them, even if it meant that he had to shut down emotionally in their stead.  
  
Daehyun broke the silence and glanced in JongUp's direction. The older maknae was standing a few feet into the room, face twice as ashen as it had been before. “Speaking of being sick, you should sit down, Uppie.”  
  
“I think I'm going to be sick.”  
  
HimChan handed his phone to Daehyun who raised a questioning eyebrow. “Stay on the line.” the second oldest of the group crossed the room and squeezed JongUp's shoulder tightly. “Let's go to the bathroom. If you think you're going to be sick, that's the best place to be.” ' _I would know that from experience.'_ he added mentally as an afterthought, and from the look that flashed momentarily across JongUp's face, he knew that they had shared the same thought.  
  
The two left the room together, leaving the other three members alone with the unconscious YongGuk. By this point, Junhong's frantic sobs had died into gasps and YoungJae quickly realized that the youngest was hyperventilating. “Junhongie, breathe.”  
  
“I. Can't.”  
  
“You have to or you're going to pass out too.” YoungJae wasn't entirely sure how to help someone who was having a panic attack. Luckily the last panic attack that Junhong had gone through had mostly been resolved by Junhong himself, but this time was undoubtedly different.  
  
YoungJae used his free hand to pull his phone out of his pocket and typed a quick search into Naver. Thankfully, the internet had the answers that he was looking for; how to assist someone experiencing a panic attack. YoungJae sighed, willing his own erratic heartbeat to slow down. It wouldn't help the situation for him to start having a panic attack along with Junhong. “First of all, you _have_ to breathe. Try inhaling through your mouth and exhaling through your nose. Slowly. Just breathe, Junhong.”  
  
Junhong did as instructed, gasping as he struggled to draw much-needed oxygen into his deprived lungs. YoungJae, satisfied with the slight progress, proceeded to the next step. “Now hold my hand. Grab it as tightly as you can and don't let go. Focus on the pressure you're applying. Don't think about anything else, just focus on my hand.” YoungJae felt a slight pressure on his hand and he squeezed back harder. “Harder, Junhongie. Squeeze as hard as you can.” the pressure intensified to the point that it was almost painful and YoungJae proceeded to the third step.”  
  
“Now count backward from one hundred.” Junhong did as instructed and his breathing slowly regulated without him realizing it. The maknae was approaching the number three when the sound of the front door being thrown open could be heard and footsteps pounded across the hardwood floors. An EMT poked his head through the open door before gesturing with his other hand for the rest of his team to follow.  
  
Daehyun hung up the phone and put it back in HimChan's dresser while YoungJae struggled to haul Junhong to his feet. In the end, Daehyun had to support one side of Junhong and they held the maknae upright between them. The EMT's cast them a sympathetic look before rolling the stretcher inside the cramped room. YongGuk was dead weight as they hauled his limp form onto the stretcher and wheeled him out of the room. One of the EMT's turned back to look at the three members still in the room. “One of you can ride in the ambulance with him. Anyone else will have to find other means of transportation.”  
  
“HimChan should be the one to go,” Daehyun muttered, and YoungJae nodded in agreement. Junhong weakly lifted his head to meet his hyung's gaze.  
  
“I want to go with him.”  
  
“I know you do, but I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone with him right now. Not until he's stabilized.”  
  
Before the maknae could argue further, a pale-faced JongUp trudged into the room with HimChan beside him. HimChan bit his lip as he gazed at his dongsaengs, but the silent question in his eyes was obvious. “You're the one riding with YongGuk to the hospital. Hurry up, they're probably almost done loading him into the ambulance.” YoungJae assured gently and HimChan's features flashed briefly with relief before he turned and followed the EMT outside the dorm.  
  
YoungJae sighed and met Daehyun's eyes, the exhaustion clearly written on features. “I'll drive. HimChan left the keys on the counter. Can you manage getting Junhongie to the car on your own?”  
  
“I can walk.” Junhong defended weakly, taking a step away from Daehyun to prove his point. He stumbled slightly, but he did in fact walk. Daehyun sighed and mouthed the words “stay close to him” to JongUp who nodded in understanding.  
  
Somehow, the group of four managed to get into the van without injury and headed towards the hospital.  
 

* * *

Once they arrived at the hospital, they were informed that the doctors were still working to stabilize YongGuk and that no news had been received, though they were assured that no news was typically good news. YoungJae ensured that the other members were situated and relatively comfortable in the quaint waiting room before making his way down a hallway. He wasn't sure where he was going, only that he needed to get away from the crowded waiting room if only for a moment.  
  
What he didn't expect was to be followed down the hallway by Daehyun who trudged after him. YoungJae stopped at the end of a random hallway and pressed his back into the wall, closing his eyes tightly. Daehyun stood beside him, making absolutely no sound. He was unsure if YoungJae even knew that he had followed him until YoungJae cracked an eye open.  
  
“I'm okay, Dae. I just needed to get out of there for a minute. It's —”  
  
“Stifling?”  
  
“Yeah.” YoungJae agreed softly. “Stifling.”  
  
“Should I go back and leave you alone?”  
  
“No, you can stay. I don't actually want to be alone.”  
  
A small smile played at the corners of Daehyun's lips, but he said nothing. Instead, he watched as YoungJae laid his head back against the white wall and closed his eyes again. Only then did the Daehyun notice how exhausted his boyfriend truly looked. They were all exhausted, but YoungJae seemed to be somehow worse off as if he had taken on all of the suffering of the other members on his own. “Jae, you know you don't have to stay strong, right?”  
  
“Yes, I do,” YoungJae argued stubbornly. “If I break down, who is going to be strong for YongGuk-hyung? Junhong has been hit hard, JongUp is sick and seems numb to the gravity of the situation, HimChan is practically YongGuk's boyfriend —”  
  
“What about me?” Daehyun cut in.  
  
“What do you mean what about you? I'm not going to put any more stress on you, Dae. If there's anyone that I need to stay strong for more than YongGuk, it's you.”  
  
“I'm not some fragile porcelain doll that's about to break.”  
  
“No, you aren't, neither am I, though.”  
  
“Maybe not, but you're one exhausted human who is starting to show signs of cracking under the pressure. You having a total mental breakdown won't help the situation, YoungJae.”  
  
“Dae...”  
  
“Save it. I'm not the strongest person, I realize that. You're the strongest person I know but even you need support sometimes. That's why buildings have to have maintenance done to them because they can't hold up forever.”  
  
Daehyun opened his arms and YoungJae took a hesitant step forward, allowing his boyfriend to encompass him in a tight hug. He rested his head on Daehyun's shoulder, and the older didn't notice that YoungJae was crying until he felt moisture seep into the shoulder of his shirt. A small sigh escaped his lips. He hated making YoungJae cry, but this time it was for his own good. Sometimes people just needed to let their emotions out instead of keeping them bottled inside.  
  
“This time, it's my turn to stay strong for you,” Daehyun muttered, placing a gentle kiss to YoungJae's black hair. YoungJae didn't respond, instead, he focused on not collapsing to the floor. His legs were shaking and he was almost positive that his knees were going to buckle if he remained upright for much longer. Daehyun noticed when YoungJae unconsciously put my pressure on him. “Come on, let's go back to the waiting room.”  
  
Daehyun led YoungJae back to the waiting room with an arm secured firmly around his waist.

* * *

Five hours after arriving at the hospital, the members were mercifully given news about YongGuk's condition. Doctor Hyun made his way to the group of boys, his dark eyebrows knitted in concern and a file clasped tightly in his hands. HimChan nodded at Doctor Hyun, acknowledging his presence before going back to staring at the tiled floor. The doctor coughed to earn everyone's attention, and five pairs of eyes stared up at him. The expression on his face was grim. “You're all family of Mr. Bang?”  
  
“Yes, sir,” Junhong replied. He flinched as his voice cracked from crying, but no one commented and he was silently grateful.  
  
Doctor Hyun nodded and skimmed through some of the papers attached to his clipboard. “I'm assuming that you know what happened while you were away. Mr. Bang drank an alcoholic beverage and overdosed on prescribed muscle relaxants, in what appears to us to be an attempted suicide.” he paused, allowing his words to sink in. He received no reaction, and he sighed. They had already been expecting his words—the information hadn't been news to them at all. “the good thing about this situation, if there is one, is that he didn't succeed.”  
  
“He'll be okay?” HimChan questioned, finally allowing himself some small form of hope. Doctor Hyun nodded, though clear sadness lurked in his eyes.  
  
“Physically, he'll be fine. Mentally, I'll have to suggest a counseling group for him to attend, as according to my records this is his second suicide attempt. At a later date, once we work with him more, antidepressants might be prescribed”  
  
“When can we see him?”  
  
“One visitor can stay with him now. He isn't awake yet, and we're not entirely sure when he'll regain consciousness. He could remain unconscious for a few hours, up to a few days. Only time will tell.”  
  
“Thanks, Doctor Hyun.”  
  
“No problem. And HimChan, I'll see you at the support group meeting in a few days.”  
  
HimChan moved his gaze back to the floor, a barely perceptible nod serving as his response as the doctor walked away.

* * *

YongGuk couldn't see, but he could he hear.  
  
“You have to go back, Yonggukie,” a stern voice commanded. “you can't stay here because it wasn't your time to die.”  
  
“I can't go back. I miss you, grandpa.”  
  
“I miss you too, but you have to understand that even if you can't see or hear me, I'm still _there_ , watching over you and your band as you perform at concerts and music shows. I'm supporting you from afar and you have made me proud, son.”  
  
“How can I make you proud when I betrayed you? I was never home and I didn't notice it when you got sick. If I had been home more, I could have gotten you help before you died!”  
  
“YongGuk, I wouldn't have lived forever and you know that. I was old and I lived a full life—I had already done everything that I wanted to apart from watch you and your siblings turn to the next chapters of your lives, but I accepted that I just wasn't meant to be there for that part of your lives. I've come to terms with that as should you.”  
  
“I can't.”  
  
“You can, and you will eventually. You'll be much happier after you let go of your grief. Your bandmates and that young man that you're smitten with are depending on you.”  
  
“HimChan?”  
  
“Yes, HimChan. He's tearing himself up inside over not realizing that you needed his help just as much as he needed yours. Worrying about you won't help him overcome that illness he's going through. But it isn't just HimChan that you should be worried about. Junhong has been hit the hardest because I believe that you broke a promise that you had with him.”  
  
“I told him that I would never try to kill myself again.” YongGuk paused and took a deep breath. “He was right to not trust me”  
  
"Maybe so, but do you really want to die before you've redeemed yourself in his eyes?”  
  
“Grandpa..”  
  
“Don't argue with me, YongGuk. Your time hasn't come back. You have to go back and live your life. I know that you'll get through and know that I'm watching over you. Take care of your grandmother for me—she's been lonely.”  
  
Before YongGuk could argue, his eyes opened.

* * *

YongGuk slowly blinked his eyes open and gazed around. The sterile scent of a hospital assaulted his nostrils and it didn't take long for him to realize exactly where he was. So his conversation with his grandfather, as quick and cryptic as it had been, hadn't been a dream. He had attempted suicide again, had apparently failed, and as a result had been taken to the hospital to save his life. The irony of the situation was almost too much for him to wrap his head around, but he didn't dwell on it for long, as the soft sound of breathing reached his ears.  
  
Sitting beside the bed in a chair was Junhong, snoring softly as he slept. The tall boy was sleeping in a position that couldn't have been comfortable considering his height, but nonetheless, he was sleeping and YongGuk was hesitant to wake him up. He could already hear what Junhong would say, and he wasn't sure if he was mentally prepared to have that conversation with the maknae. In all honesty, he wasn't sure if he would ever be ready.  
  
Despite his hesitation and fear, YongGuk knew that the conversation would come sooner or later—there was no use postponing the inevitable. With a heavy heart YongGuk reached over and tapped the youngest's shoulder lightly. He tapped considerably harder after receiving no response. Just as he was about to resort to other methods, Junhong cracked one dark brown eye open, the other soon following as both widened. “YongGuk-hyung?”  
  
YongGuk leaned back against his pillows and met the maknae's gaze levelly, unable to formulate a sufficient enough response. “I'm sorry that I tried to kill myself” didn't seem appropriate, but he wasn't sure what else there was that he could say.  
  
To his surprise, instead of rage, he was met with tears. Junhong was crying, and it was the biggest shock that YongGuk had experienced in a long while. Junhong was rambling incoherently but the words that YongGuk did manage to make out made his heartstrings constrict painfully. He caught snippets of the word “dead”, and that told him everything that he needed to know about why Junhong was crying. They had thought that he was dead when they found him unconscious in their room. Luckily for them, he had been alive.  
  
“Junhongie, I'm okay.” YongGuk tried, desperate for some way to communicate his sorrow. He was sorry for upsetting Junhong, he really was, but he had done what he thought was right at the time. Junhong's features hardened and he wiped his eyes furiously with the back of his hand.  
  
“No, you aren't. Don't lie to me about being okay, YongGuk. You tried to kill yourself after making a promise to me that you wouldn't. You lied to me about being suicidal, you lied to all of us about being perfectly fine. You told me that I had no idea what I was talking about when obviously I did. I don't want to hear any more bullshit, just admit that you aren't okay!”  
  
“Fine! I'm not okay. I'm not, and I haven't been for a long time. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be “okay” again. By this point, what does that word even mean? With the way shit is going with the company, none of us are really okay. I'm not making excuses, Junhong. I know that I made a mistake by breaking my promise to you, but to me, it wasn't a mistake.” YongGuk took a steadying breath as he felt tears prick at his eyes. “I did what I thought that I needed to because I didn't want to live anymore. I'm sorry Junhong, and you have every right to be angry—”  
  
“I'm not angry.”  
  
“You don't have to lie to me.”  
  
“No, really. I'm not angry. I'm hurt and feel betrayed because you lied to me, but I'm not questioning _why_ you did it. I understand how much your grandfather meant to you. I would feel the same way if my mom or dad died. I'm not going to ridicule or insult you for having suicidal thoughts. I know that would only add to them, so I'm going to do what I think you need me to the most.”  
  
“What are you talking about?”  
  
“I'm going to support you, YongGuk-hyung. I can be your rock. You've tried to be ours for so long when you were going through so much that we didn't see until it was right in front of us. Let us be your foundation for awhile.”  
  
YongGuk couldn't see clearly through the tears in his eyes, but he was pretty damn sure that he saw a halo around Junhong's head, no doubt courtesy of his grandfather, the wisest man that YongGuk had ever met.  
  
The man that one day, when it was his time to die, he would meet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N The next chapters are where we start getting some resolutions. I have everything planned out. I promise everyone's plotlines will be resolved.


	24. Scene 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N After this chapter, we'll start getting the resolutions to the various character arcs. They aren't in a particular order some character arcs will be resolved with something to with my pairings. I'll go ahead and leave this here: Possible smut warning in following chapters. If all goes as I'm hoping, I'll leave author notes to warn readers of that content. Also, the time frame for the lawsuit isn't 100% accurate, but it's close enough. This is the climax of Overdose, which means that my baby, though there are more chapters to come, is now in the resolution phase. No joke, I've legit almost started crying when I started to think about the fact that Overdose is almost finished. Words cannot truly express what Overdose means to me and what it has helped me through since I lost my mom.

* * *

Three weeks after YongGuk's suicide attempt passed by with more peace than the members expected. YongGuk was hesitant to start therapy or begin taking antidepressants, and the members didn't push him. They had all decided that for the time being, they would show him that he could depend on them as much as they depended on him, allowing him time to worry about himself rather than them. YongGuk was making an effort to take his grandfather's words to heart, with limited success, but he had made progress and that had been enough for Doctor Hyun to release him from the hospital, despite warnings that if another suicide was attempted, he would have no choice but to monitor YongGuk to ensure that he wasn't a constant danger to himself and those around him.  
  
Despite the progress that YongGuk had made with his depression, tensions with the company were at an all-time high. The members were expected to perform for up to twelve hours a day and none of them were getting more than three hours of sleep between each practice session. Concerts and music shows constantly daunted them to perform their best and pressured them into staying up until odd hours to ensure that their choreography and vocals were _just_ right. Luckily, despite constant obstacles and disputes with TS, they had managed to finish filming and recording the audio for Excuse Me, though YongGuk was still in the process of negotiating his way out of the Japanese tour.  
  
Junhong struggled to fall asleep at night due to constant pain in his back caused by the strenuous dance routines, namely the choreography for Angel that he and JongUp were expected to dance each time that Angel was performed at a concert. Sometimes the muscle contractions were so intense that Junhong would wake up crying because of the blinding pain that shot through the muscles in his back. He was flexible, but oftentimes the back-bend was far too physically taxing to perform alongside the other dance routines that he was forced to endure. Performing Warrior and Angel on the same day had made it nearly impossible for Junhong to walk to the van the night before, forcing HimChan and YongGuk to support him in an arduous journey to a vehicle that was parked only a few feet from the entrance of the concert hall door.  
  
JongUp was sitting on the couch with Junhong's head in his lap. The maknae was trying to alleviate some of the aching in his back by applying a hot compress to the areas that caused him the most discomfort, though his efforts seemed to be in vain. JongUp tried to ignore the growing feeling of anger that he felt stewing in the pit of his stomach every time Junhong made even the _slightest_ noise of pain as he shifted restlessly on the couch, though it soon became quite clear to JongUp that he was sick of seeing Junhong in near constant agony due to the relentless schedules of the company not giving him appropriate time to recuperate after grueling performances.  
  
Before the dancer was even aware of what he was doing, he started to lift himself off of the couch, in the process disturbing an aggravated Junhong who had mere seconds before managed to doze off for the first time that night. “JongUp, what are you doing?”  
  
JongUp was at a loss for words. What _was_ he doing, exactly? He wasn't positive what he hoped to accomplish, but he knew deep in his heart that he needed to have a serious conversation with YongGuk. “I need to go talk to YongGuk-hyung. Can you move so I can get up?”  
  
“What? JongUp, it's 12:30 in the morning, everyone is probably asleep.”  
  
“YongGuk is in the studio working on a song or something,” JongUp assured him before attempting to get off the couch again. Junhong made a disgruntled noise but moved anyway, noticeably wincing in pain as he was forced to straighten his back. Seeing the brief flash of pain on Junhong's face was enough to remind JongUp of why exactly he endeavored to get off of the couch in the first place. Anger twisted maliciously in his gut and his fists clenched without his permission. Junhong noticed the sudden change in his crush's demeanor and raised a questioning eyebrow.  
  
“What's wrong, Uppie? Why do you need to talk to YongGuk so late at night? I doubt anything is important enough where it can't wait until the morning after you've slept.”  
  
“You don't have to come with me. I know your back hurts and you haven't been able to sleep. Go to bed if you're tired.”  
  
“No. If it's really that important, I want to know what's going on. Also, I get the distinct impression that you'll be talking about me, so I want to hear what you have to say.”  
  
“What I need to tell him concerns all of us. Let's go.”  
 

* * *

“YongGuk-hyung, we should file a lawsuit against TS.” JongUp didn't beat around the bush as he met his leader's gaze with more strength than he had ever believed that he could possess. He was normally shy and timid and no matter how angry someone made him, oftentimes he was too afraid to stand up for himself despite whatever ridicule he faced. He hoped that finding the courage to encourage YongGuk to file a lawsuit would end his fear of standing up for himself and those he cared about. Tae-Song had abused his power as the company CEO for far too long, mistreating not only B.A.P, but other labelmates as well.  
  
YongGuk stared at JongUp for a long moment, as if analyzing a new foreign species. In reality, the leader was seeing the timid dancer in an entirely new light. Just as JongUp was about to ask if something was wrong, YongGuk spoke up. “JongUp, I'm already planning on filing a lawsuit sometime in November. I've been planning on suing TS since the day we went to G-Dragon's party— he encouraged me to file a lawsuit because our situation won't improve if we don't fight for it, something that he wished he would have done with YG early on in BigBang's debut days. I didn't mention it to the two of you because I wasn't sure how you would react, and I didn't want to scare you before anything was certain, not to mention that I wanted to wait until Junhong turned eighteen so that he could put his name on the legal document. The lawsuit concerns him just as much as the rest of us, and I didn't want him to be excluded.”  
  
JongUp's normally impassive face shifted to an expression of complete and utter shock. YongGuk had been _planning_ a lawsuit before the possibility of suing had ever crossed his mind? Rather than being one step ahead, YongGuk had been twenty, taking the phrase to a whole new level. Junhong's expression was stuck in an equal expression of surprise and an undercurrent of betrayal. His eyes became guarded and he met YongGuk's gaze warily. “You were intending to wait until I turned eighteen to ask for our consent to file a lawsuit?”  
  
“No. I was planning on working out a way to tell you. Honestly, I was waiting for a moment like this, when I could tell that your frustrations with TS were boiling, that way I could ease right into the topic of a lawsuit without risking you siding with the company out of fear or because you didn't know if we had enough reason to sue.”  
  
“Does everyone else know?”  
  
“Yeah. I talked it over with YoungJae and HimChan and YoungJae told Daehyun. You two were outside practicing Angel's choreography.”  
  
Junhong's expression shifted from anger to sadness in the blink of an eye. “What's going to happen after we file the lawsuit? We won't be promoting or making music. Hell, we probably won't be together.”  
  
“I'll still be writing music. Maybe if we win this suit, Tae-Song will have no choice but to release the songs that I write. And don't worry, we'll still see each other, though just not as often. If I thought that filing the lawsuit would tear us apart, do you really think that I would take that big of a risk?”  
  
“I guess not but—”  
  
“Junhong,” YongGuk said sternly, and whatever the maknae was about to say instantly froze on his tongue. “calm down. I can tell that you're worried, which is understandable, but for right now, I need you to trust me. I haven't gotten everything worked out yet and we can't do anything until you're eighteen. It's August, and you don't turn eighteen until October, and I wasn't planning on filing the lawsuit until sometime in November. Don't panic right now.”  
  
“Fine, but the same goes for you. Don't let yourself get too stressed out, and remember that the rest of us are here for you.”  
  
“I will,” YongGuk assured, and for the first time in a long time, there was conviction behind his words.

* * *

November 24, 2014  
  
Two months passed by in an unremarkable blur. The members had celebrated Junhong's eighteenth birthday at an expensive restaurant in Seoul. Junhong's birthday had been a pleasant event, though none of the members had been able to shake the sensation of unease that shot through their bones at the realization that they would be suing their company the following month. In a way, the lawsuit was the best and worst birthday present that any of them could have given the maknae. Filing the lawsuit would give him freedom that he hadn't experienced since signing with TS, providing him with the opportunity to be a normal teenager for at least what they hoped was only a short while.  
  
YongGuk had gathered them all together in the practice room of their dorm for a last minute meeting before they filed the lawsuit. The leader had already made his decision and had signed the document. His decision had been an easy one—though his own issues hadn't been caused by the company, only worsened, he didn't have to look far to see a multitude of reasons why filing the lawsuit would be the best decision that he could possibly make as B.A.P's leader. The final step of the process was for the other five to sign their names on the official document and submit it to the local courtroom. YongGuk had been advised by their lawyer to avoid instigating conflict with Tae-Song until the court hearing was underway. To achieve that the band was suggested to stay in the dorm and attend practices to keep the front or normalcy until Tae-Song asked to speak with them concerning the lawsuit. To call it living a double life would be unfair— the members had been nothing but honest with TS until the company had proven their own dishonesty and disloyalty.  
  
The aforementioned document was situated on the computer desk that what seemed like a lifetime ago five of the members had used to search for a weight chart to prove their point about YongGuk's suicidal tendencies. YongGuk had already signed his name on the paper. The remaining five defendants had yet to sign, though each of them knew exactly what they needed to do, not only for their own well-being but for the well-being of the entire group. Though despite their convictions that they had every right to sue TS, none of them could help but hesitate as they reminisced about the extensive list of tribulations that had brought them to that point in time.  
  
YoungJae was probably the member of B.A.P who was the most uncertain about whether or not filing the lawsuit was the right path to take. His uncertainties weren't caused by a belief that the band didn't have just cause to file the lawsuit because he knew firsthand that the list of reasons that they were suing the company was extensive enough to write a full-length novel. YoungJae's uncertainties were more so caused by an internal fear of being separated from his members for any length of time. Over the years since B.A.P's debut, he had grown accustomed to sharing a dorm room with five other boys. The band's living arrangement had forced him to become more sociable than he had been in years and though he was hesitant to admit it, had made him a more understanding person.  
  
Due to being overly prideful (another flaw that YoungJae was loathed to admit), it made it difficult for YoungJae to vocalize the fact that though at times sharing a room with five other hormonal boys had its fair share of awkward moments, most of the time he appreciated the constant company and friendship that his members provided. Not to mention that had he not joined B.A.P, he would never have met Daehyun. Most of the time YoungJae would assert that Daehyun annoyed him to no end and he wasn't sure why he was with him, though that statement couldn't have been a bigger lie. YoungJae loved Daehyun immensely and blamed Tae-Song for driving Daehyun to a point in which he had felt that drinking was his only way out. That reason alone was enough for YoungJae to pick up the black pen laying beside the lawsuit document and sign his name in the neatest handwriting that he could manage. He was still afraid of what to come—that wouldn't change until the lawsuit had been settled, but he promised himself and Daehyun that he would have faith in his members for them to return to the music industry as six once everything had been said and done.  
  
The next member to step up to sign his name on the lawsuit was HimChan. HimChan was one of the members who had the absolute most reason to write his name on the document that would nullify their ties with TS. Tae-Song's comments about his weight had destroyed HimChan's relatively healthy perception of his body image and turned into a monster that could have taken his life. The battle that Tae-Song's insults had initiated was far from won though it's adverse effects had already been detrimental to HimChan's health and mentality about himself as a person. Tae-Song had, with just a few callously spoken words, managed to almost complete decimate HimChan's self-confidence to the point that he drove himself to near obsessive lengths to lose weight that in actuality, keeping on would have made him look healthier. HimChan now realized with not only YongGuk's help, but the help of fans that Korean beauty standards did not dictate the worth and attractiveness of a person— the mindset in which kpop idols were constantly subjected to was a flawed and biased system that often placed physical attractiveness above mental and physical health.  
  
A small, self-assured smirk that went unnoticed to everyone aside from YongGuk (who just so happened to have been not so subtly watching HimChan's movements) crossed HimChan's features. HimChan allowed himself to revel in the fact that the lawsuit would send Tae-Song into his own personal hell when one of his largest suppliers of money was ripped away from him. The lawsuit would cause Tae-Song grief, though it would never amount to the amount of dejection that the CEO's malicious comments had caused HimChan over the years, but it was a start that HimChan was eager to see set in motion, despite the fact that it would have possible repercussions for himself and the fate of B.A.P. Deep in his heart, HimChan knew that the risk was something that they desperately needed to take, and he was prepared for the best (or the worst) possible outcome as he took the pen out of YoungJae's hand and scribbled his name quickly on the line below YoungJae's signature.  
  
JongUp confidently took HimChan's place in front of the desk. Unlike the previous two members, JongUp had already made his peace with the lawsuit the moment that he had brought the possibility of suing to YongGuk's attention. He had grown weary due to the constant mistreatment of himself and the other members during their time being signed to the label. JongUp had always been shy, but the stress of surviving through the company's harsh demands had matured him beyond his young years and forced him to develop a more reserved personality than he had ever had before. The reservation had been a self-defense mechanism that his mind conjured up in a faulty attempt to protect itself from the reality of the trials that JongUp was being exposed to. The self-defense mechanism had failed miserably and had only managed to make JongUp more unhappy, which was around the time that his migraines began. JongUp knew that the physical pain that he had been enduring for months was being caused by an overload of mental stress that was put on him by none other than Tae-Song himself. JongUp had never been very outspoken and had often allowed himself to be pushed around out of fear of fighting back, though that had changed exponentially after his meeting with YongGuk two months prior.  
  
After addressing the fact that a lawsuit was the best course of action for the band to take, much of the concerns that JongUp had been having seemed to evaporate, and over time, his migraines had almost entirely ceased. He still had the occasional attack after a particularly stressful day at practice, often in which Tae-Song attended to provide advice (more like ridicule) to the members and their work, though they occurred much less frequently and were nowhere close to as powerful as they had been initially. Though JongUp couldn't say that he wasn't afraid of what the outcome of their uncertain and brave endeavor would be, he could say with certainty that he was in complete support of filing the lawsuit. JongUp had finally found the voice that he had been lacking but had always desperately desired to possess in order to protect those that he cared about more than himself.  
  
Daehyun approached the desk next, much to his and YoungJae's surprise, though the younger did his best to hide his shock. Daehyun knew that hesitation would instantly allow YoungJae to label him as hypocrite considering the advice that he had given him about not fighting the lawsuit considering in the end, it would probably be a good thing despite what filing a lawsuit would entail for the members. Daehyun only allowed himself a brief moment of hesitation before signing his name on the document. A small sigh escaped his lips as he mulled over the events that had influenced his decision to support the lawsuit. The most notable had definitely been his impromptu throat surgery— Tae-Song had known from the get-go that Daehyun would need a recovery period in order to avoid possible damage to his throat and vocal cords, though despite that knowledge he had still forced Daehyun to perform strenuous high notes that had strained his already weakened vocal cords immensely.  
  
Though physical tribulations played a vital role in why Daehyun's signature was on the legal document laying in front of him, mental elements played an even greater role in why he favored the lawsuit over the alternative of remaining with TS. Tae-Song had not only forced Daehyun to sing despite him having a serious operation but had numerous times forced him to exceed his vocal range and ridiculed him when he was unable to hold the demanding high note for prolonged periods of time. Tae-Song's expectations of Daehyun had forced the singer to turn down a road that he never been down before. Daehyun had never been a heavy drinker—he had been unable to hold his liquor since he had become of age to drink, so he had never bothered with drinking copious amounts of alcohol, until Tae-Song provoked him to an extent that he couldn't relax because he was so damn _angry_ with not only the CEO but himself for being unable to meet the demands, as unreasonable as they might have been. As irrational as it was, Daehyun had thought that he needed Tae-Song's approval to feel validated as a singer, though he had come to realize that the only approval he needed came from his bandmates, his fans, but the most important validation came from _himself_. Daehyun knew that he was a talented vocalist and at the end of the day, singing was _his_ career, his hobby but most importantly, his _passion_.  
  
Tae-Song had caused Daehyun to develop a dangerous habit that had it been caught any later, could have ruined his career, his relationship with YoungJae, but most importantly his entire life. The battle with the demon that Daehyun faced was not over, but it was a war that he could see ending in the near future— he would persevere despite the obstacles that he inevitably would face in the process. Despite everything, Daehyun was prepared because he knew that he would have the support of his members, as well as the person whose support meant the most to him. As if reading his boyfriend's mind, YoungJae smiled at Daehyun from the other side of the table, a small glint of pride flashing in his eyes before evaporating so quickly that Daehyun almost wondered if he had imagined it, though he knew without a hint of doubt that he hadn't.  
  
The final member to sign the lawsuit was Junhong. The maknae wished more than anything that he didn't have to write his name on the document. Tae-Song had crushed his dream, his perceptions of the South Korean music industry, and his image of the company as a whole. The reality of joining a Kpop band had been far different than the image that he had conjured up in his head to help him through the difficulties of his trainee days. Most trainees had a tedious time training to become and idol, though normally, those difficulties lessened after they debuted. B.A.P's difficulties had worsened to an alarming extent, making the long hours that he had spent training for debut seem like child's play. Tae-Song had driven each of the members to drastic measures over the years, including Junhong himself who had to fully recover from the injury caused by his first trial of Angel's complicated choreography. Junhong took a deep breath and wrote his name on the lawsuit, receiving a nod of approval from YongGuk. The youngest turned away from the document with a hopeful thought despite the dark circumstances. _'Maybe if we win, I'll get to live my dream the way I've always imagined it.'_  
  
YongGuk checked over the completed document a final time before meeting the gaze of each of the members gathered around him. “So we're all in favor of the lawsuit?” a chorus of naes sounded around the room, and YongGuk nodded in approval. The expressions on each of the members were grim—they knew that after the document was submitted to the courtroom, it would only be a matter of time before Tae-Song was made aware of the fact that he was being sued, which would be when the real fighting began. Junhong noticed the tension in the room and attempted to find a way to lighten the mood. He glanced around the near bland room, at first seeing nothing that would serve his purpose, until finally, his eyes fell on the lone black pen that the members had used to sign the lawsuit. A devious smile crossed his features as he picked up the pen and held it up. The other five members watched him curiously, remaining quiet as he lowered the pen back to the table.  
  
“Don't you think it would have made it more official if we had all signed using our matoki colors? YoungJae-hyung would probably have needed to switch to orange instead of yellow, or the judge would have to squint really hard to see whose signature it was.”  
  
The room was immediately engulfed in collective laughter, a moment that each member would need to draw strength from at some point within the time to come.

* * *

Tae-Song was notified of the lawsuit exactly three days after YongGuk officially filed it. The CEO had called for a joint meeting to dictate the exact terms of the suit. He had assumed at first that the lawsuit was simply an elaborate rouse, though upon seeing the expressions on his employee's faces, he had quickly gleaned the true severity of the situation. “You're all serious about this pointless endeavor to sue the company?”  
  
YongGuk's brow furrowed in anger. “Pointless? I could write a damn book filled with all of the reasons that we had to file that lawsuit. You can play it off all you want, but you and I both know that you aren't innocent. You know that we had every reason to sue you.”  
  
“I think that you're being a tad over-dramatic, YongGuk. I don't understand why you wold believe that you have any right to sue me. I didn't force you to attempt suicide, which I must say put quite a damper on me when I was forced to find ways to cover for you when you were unable to perform for some time afterward.”  
  
“That wasn't caused by you, though you definitely did nothing to help the situation. I was talking about what you forced the other members to go through. You caused HimChan to develop eating disorders. Fucking _eating_ disorders _!_ I understand, when he was recruited, HimChan was a little overweight. That was no excuse to ask him to binge diet and starve himself. Time constraints be damned, that was your fault. And you continued to goad him long after he lost a humongous amount of weight because he didn't fit _your_ standards _._ Guess what, Tae-Song? HimChan could have died, and he still isn't out of the woods because breaking that mentality that you forced him into won't be easy. I don't think you would have cared if he died. You would have just got some other cheap replacement and expected us to treat him as HimChan.”  
  
“HimChan has a history of being overweight, YongGuk. I was simply ensuring that he would be attractive to the female fans, which might I remind you are our target audience.”  
  
“Yeah well fuck that.” YongGuk sneered before reaching into HimChan's pocket and retrieving his phone. He logged into HimChan's Instagram and scrolled down to the same image that he had used to prove his point to HimChan himself. He thrust the phone into Tae-Song's face, watching in silent satisfaction as the CEO read through the comments. Tae-Song slowly met YongGuk's gaze again, though his own sneer was still firmly in place. “I see that these people have no true perception of Korean beauty trends. Most of them were probably foreigners who only have an outside perspective.”  
  
“Their “outside perspective” is far superior to your Korean beauty perspective which prides physical beauty over someone's health. I respect the foreigner's perspective much more than I could ever respect yours.”  
  
Tae-Song's face for the first time became genuinely angry. “I have more important matters to attend to than standing around debating ethics with you and the rest of your insubordinate band. If you truly want to bring this childish matter to the courtroom, I'll see you there. Just know that you won't stand a chance at coming out victorious.”  
  
“That's a risk that we're more than willing to take.” YongGuk assured him with an innocent smile.  
  
Tae-Song scoffed in obvious annoyance. “If you're positive, leave my office. You'll be expected to move out of the dorm and return any items that were provided to you by the company. I'll see you during the first hearing, goodbye now.”  
  
YongGuk led his band out of the office and none of them looked back on the company building that had been the source of some of the greatest tribulations that they had faced in their entire lives.


	25. Scene 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N I took into account that Tae-Song refused to show for court appearances throughout B.A.P's hiatus and included that in this scene, however, keep in mind that Overdose has always been less about remaining factual and more about conveying the emotions that led them to file the lawsuit. The actual court battle might very well end up being a tertiary occurrence in comparison to the emotions of the members during the lawsuit. Warning: SMUT Warning 2: This will probably NOT be the last gay smut scene of Overdose— more than likely there will be two more. As before, I'll always leave the location of where the smut begins and ends so you have the option to skip. Also, my smut isn't the best I suppose, but this is my second mxm smut scene, with the previous one being my first. I'm.. inexperienced with this. -_-
> 
> LONG SCENE
> 
> Smut:  
> Top!YoungJae o--o  
> -Starts: All of the sudden, YoungJae's eyes darkened and he smirked deviously.  
> -Ends: YoungJae chuckled before grabbing Daehyun's hand and hauling him off the bed.

Daehyun stared desolately into his glass as if trying to bore a hole through it with his eyes. Condensation coated the glass in a thin sheen of mist, giving it an almost ethereal appearance. Daehyun stirred the ice cubes around with a spoon, watching in mystification as they created a miniature tornado with the remainder of the water in the glass. The tiny tornado was calm, gently circling around the confines of the glass, unlike other storms that Daehyun had witnessed as of late. YongGuk had officially filed the lawsuit three weeks before, and the members had been forced to pack up and leave the dorm that they had occupied since B.A.P's debut. Leaving hadn't saddened Daehyun as much as he had expected it to— in fact, moving out had been quite easy. Somewhere along the line, the quaint dorm had become more of a prison cell than home and moving out had opened the singer's eyes to just how _limited_ their lives had been while living there.  
  
B.A.P's future was still murky and clouded, and the lack of response from the director was surely the calm before the storm. Unlike Daehyun's miniature tornado, the storm that the band faced could end up having disastrous effects for not only the band as a whole but for each member individually. Daehyun tried to remain positive, though it was hard to see the bright side of a situation when you were so focused on how exponentially that your life had changed in such a short amount of time.  
  
Despite the added stress that had accompanied filing the lawsuit, Daehyun had made immense progress in more personal realms of his life. With YoungJae's help and watchful eye, he had managed to find ways to manage his stress so that he didn't instantly crave the release that alcohol provided — Daehyun had been alcohol-free since before the lawsuit, and had managed to remain strong once the court hearings had unfolded.  
  
Though he still craved alcohol during stressful moments, his dependency on the drink had lessened. Thankfully it seemed that YoungJae had caught onto the habit in time before Daehyun became fully dependent on it like his father had. His father's level of alcoholism hadn't been able to stand up to the love he had for his family, which had caused him to put their needs and well-being far below getting his fix of alcohol, even after the bills had become months overdue and they were facing foreclosure on their home. Daehyun clearly remembered when their infuriated landlord had paid them a visit at a six o'clock sharp before his mother had even managed to take the curlers out of her hair. As soon as the exhausted mother had opened the door, the landlord had thrust the eviction notice into her hands so hard that he had accidentally hit her in the chest.  
  
Daehyun, who had been five at the time, had started wailing in fear as tears had begun running freely down his mother's ashen face. Taeho, Daehyun's then eight-year-old brother, had hugged his younger sibling tightly and led him out of the living room so that they wouldn't have to witness the remainder of the heart-wrenching conversation. Daehyun remembered his dad returning home that night, reeking of stale alcohol. Taeho had taken him out of the room again, but not before the sound of their mother's sobbing reached his ears.  
  
Luckily, Daehyun had managed to stop drinking with much less difficulty and before facing worse repercussions than he had witnessed during his childhood. What it boiled down to was simply that without YoungJae, Daehyun's life might have taken on a much darker and more treacherous road than it was his light not been guiding the way.  
  
The couple was intending to meet up later in the afternoon for a date of sorts—the two of them had moved back into their parent's houses and had started seeing less and less of each other in the weeks following YongGuk filing the lawsuit against TS. They video chatted and spoke on the phone consistently considering that without practices and concerts to attend, their schedules had been empty, but no form of communication was quite like being face to face with your significant other.  
  
Daehyun's phone vibrated from where it rested on the kitchen table, signaling that he had received a text. A small smile played at the corners of his mouth as he grabbed his phone and unlocked it. The smile quickly evaporated when he read the text.  
  
YongGuk-Hyung, 1:05 p.m  
_Tae-Song canceled the court date again. I'm not sure when they'll reschedule it, but I'll keep you updated. Don't give up hope; he has to accept the fact that we're serious about this at some point. Everything will work out, Daehyun. Also, take care of YoungJae. He says he's alright but you know how horrible he is at admitting that he's upset. Take care of yourself too, and keep in touch. Talk to you soon._  
  
With a disgruntled sigh, Daehyun placed the phone back in its original position and rested his head on the wooden tabletop. Tae-Song, despite the confident air that he had exuded the day that the band had confronted him about the lawsuit, was in reality, afraid of the situation that he had brought upon himself. The CEO had canceled three court appearances already and failed to show for another two. Their lawyer had assured them that he was fighting to sway the judge into counting the cancellations and no-shows against him, but it seemed that TS had already managed to buy the judge's favor despite seemingly never coming in contact with him.  
  
The next time Daehyun's phone vibrated, the message was from YoungJae.  
  
Jae 1:15 p.m  
_I'm ready to go. Are you coming to pick me up or do you want to meet at the restaurant?_  
  
Daehyun smiled, momentarily forgetting the disappointment that had come with the previous text message that he had received. He typed a quick response to YoungJae telling him that he would be by to get him shortly before grabbing his keys and heading out to the sleek black Audi parked in the driveway.

* * *

Daehyun parked outside of YoungJae's family home in Uijeongbu, beside YoungJae's white Mercedes Benz. He cut the engine off and hopped out of the vehicle before bounding up the steps to the house two at a time. YoungJae opened the door seconds after Daehyun knocked, revealing his already smiling face. Daehyun gave his boyfriend a quick glance over; YoungJae was dressed in a white sweater and black jeans, an outfit that managed to look both comfortable and fashionable. Materialist elements aside, he also looked move alive than he had in a long while— the rest that he had gotten in the past weeks had obviously been a positive impact on his health, though time hadn't entirely been able to erase the dark circles under his eyes that seemed to have become a permanent feature in the last few weeks.  
  
YoungJae leaned towards Daehyun and gave him a quick peck on the lips, which was uncertainly reciprocated by the older. YoungJae pulled back and scoffed, rolling his eyes in obvious disapproval. “Are you afraid of someone seeing? My parents love you, you know.”  
  
“Your parents aren't the only ones who love me. Saesang fans follow us around any chance they get and they would have a field day if they saw us kissing.”  
  
“True. They'd probably video it and post it to twitter. Maybe even tag us in it for extra effect.”  
  
“That or they would get so jealous that they try to tear us apart. Violently.” YoungJae visibly shuddered and Daehyun wrapped an arm tightly around his shoulder, drawing the younger to his chest before resting his head on top of YoungJae's soft black hair. “I missed you.”  
  
“I missed you too, now let's go,” YoungJae replied dismissively, blushing at least five shades of scarlet as he stared pointedly at a point just past Daehyun's shoulder. Daehyun was about to question what had caused the sudden shift in attitude until he glanced back at the house and noticed a pair of eyes peeking out of the window. YoungJae's older brother was staring directly at the couple, a wide smile on his face. He gave Daehyun a thumbs up and mouthed the words “good luck” before disappearing from the window. Daehyun chuckled, not phased in the least by Youngwon's antics.

* * *

“What do you want to eat?” Daehyun questioned, glancing at YoungJae out of the corner of his eye before returning his gaze to the road. YoungJae shrugged as if being asked the most elaborately difficult to answer question but if there was one virtue that knowing YoungJae had taught Daehyun, it was patience.  
  
“I want beef.”  
  
“Sure, I'm fine with that. What restaurant?”  
  
“What about Daedo Sikgang? I love that place.” YoungJae pointed to the right and Daehyun glanced in the direction indicated, immediately noticing the sign telling him to turn right to reach their destination. He followed the sign's guidance and pulled into the parking lot of the beef restaurant. YoungJae got out of the car and sniffed the air as the scent of meat reached his nostrils. He inhaled the delicious scent and barely caught himself before he made a rather embarrassing sound. He hoped that Daehyun hadn't noticed, but of course, he couldn't be so lucky. Daehyun moved past him on the sidewalk, a small smirk on his face. He stopped when he was directly beside YoungJae and spoke in a low, suggestive voice into his boyfriend's ear. “I'm the only one you're supposed to moan for.”  
  
YoungJae blushed and pushed him away, earning a rambunctious laugh from Daehyun whose personality in the same instant had shifted from sexual to joking. YoungJae all but stomped into the restaurant and the waiter led them to their table, a secluded corner booth at the back of the restaurant. The couple had requested the most secluded booth for a reason - gay relationships were still a taboo subject in South Korea, without the addition of them being idols. At least normally they would be able to claim that any intimacy witnessed between them was skinship, but after retreating from the public eye following the lawsuit, their cover was mostly blown as far as downplaying locking lips as simple "skinship".  
  
They ordered their food quickly, YoungJae ordering a steak and Daehyun barbecue, before finally making eye contact The joking mood had all but dissipated between them, replaced by a dark and desolate mood that was much more suffocating. “How have you been?” YoungJae asked offhandedly, an obvious attempt at diffusing the sudden tension.  
  
“What do you mean how have I been?”  
  
“I mean.. since the lawsuit was filed. I know this isn't the first time we've seen each other since then, but we haven't spoken about it yet.”  
  
“What is there to say, YoungJae?”  
  
“Tae-Song pushed the court date back. I think he's afraid to face us because he knows that he was in the wrong. The more that he puts it off, the longer this will go on.” YoungJae's face fell and he closed his eyes for a moment, fighting back tears that betrayed the true depth of his emotions. “I just want this to be over. I miss making music, standing on stage with the other members. I miss when everything was _normal.”_  
  
“ _Normal_?” Daehyun questioned incredulously, his dark eyes widening to the size of bouncy balls. “since when have things been normal?”  
  
“Okay, I'll give you that, but at least we were all _together_. Now YongGuk is staying with his grandma in Incheon, HimChan is everywhere, JongUp is in Seongnam and the maknae is in fucking Canada! I don't remember the last time that we were this spread out. We've lived together since debut and not being close to everyone is —”  
  
“Hell.” Daehyun supplied helpfully, a small sigh escaping his lips. “I know that we had no choice but to file the lawsuit, but I never thought that living with the decision would be so hard. I miss singing.”  
  
“Isn't it better this way, though? You need a break — your throat still isn't completely healed because Tae-Song made you strain it so much.”  
  
“True, but I would rather be able to take a break because our CEO allows me to make that choice. I don't want to have to sue the entire company for something that should have been mandatory for them to do.”  
  
“Yeah..” YoungJae trailed off, completely at a loss for what else he was supposed to say. Thankfully, the waiter brought their food seconds later and they were given the diversion of eating, eliminating the need for conversation. YoungJae found himself watching Daehyun from across the table— the older still possessed the same fanatic eating habits, though it seemed that he had lost much of his over-indulgent tendencies. YoungJae almost wondered if the gluttonous Daehyun was a facade until Daehyun ate a particularly flavorful piece of barbecue and all but moaned before he caught himself and gave YoungJae a smug smile.  
  
YoungJae flushed and Daehyun laughed, alleviating some of the stifling mood. Despite the partial relief of tension, Daehyun's mind always ended up going in directions that he really wished it wouldn't, especially when the sensitive topic of the lawsuit was brought up. In reality, Daehyun was much less strong then he was pretending to be, and his limits had been tested more than he ever could have anticipated. First of all, Tae-Song was a literal piece of shit - the asshole had the balls to act arrogant to their faces, but when it came down to backing up his pretentious claims, he was a cowardly no show. Second, of all, YoungJae was right; his throat _hurt_ , almost as much as it did when he had originally had the surgery, and his current pain medicine wasn't strong enough to contend with the burning aches.  
  
Daehyun had a strong will, but if there was one aspect of his life that he had difficulty coping with, it was pain. His already budding habit of drinking had been worsened by the pain that his surgery had caused, and was still being influenced by the same pain despite Daehyun's resolution to put the bottle down and keep it out of his life for good. The constant pain tempted Daehyun more than stress ever had, but of course, he hadn't told YoungJae any of this. It wasn't because he didn't trust YoungJae, in fact, the opposite was true, but YoungJae was guilty of the exact same crime that he was; he didn't want to burden anyone with what was going on in his own life. YoungJae was strong, one of the strongest people that Daehyun had ever met, but he kept his own emotions bottled up in order to help others sort through theirs, while he was left alone to stew in his own mental anguish. There was no way in hell that Daehyun could bear to add more stress to what YoungJae already struggled to keep under lock and key. That was why despite the pain it caused him to speak, Daehyun smiled the cheeky smile that YoungJae loved and told the same corny jokes to keep up the pretense of being perfectly alright for the younger.  
  
“Daehyun, you're frowning like someone just ate your last piece of cheesecake. What's wrong?” Daehyun blinked and met YoungJae's gaze, eyes darkening with confusion. Was he frowning? He hadn't fully been aware of his surroundings for several minutes, let alone the expression on his face. Sure enough, when he stared at his reflection on the glass tabletop, his mouth was turned down at the corners in a near grimace. _Oh_.  
  
“Nothings wrong. I just zoned out for a minute.” Daehyun assured, almost wincing as the obvious lie left his mouth. He was well aware how weak his statement sounded even to his own ears, but he sincerely hoped that YoungJae was off of his lie detector game and couldn't tell that his boyfriend wasn't being completely honest with him.  
  
No such luck. YoungJae raised a sharp black eyebrow and shook his head before returning his gaze back to his food, obviously to avoid making eye contact with Daehyun. After a moment, he looked back up with an expression full of hurt that made Daehyun's heart strings constrict painfully. “I don't know why you're lying to me, Daehyun. You can talk to me you know? I don't care what it is, you can tell me.”  
  
“Young—”  
  
“No. Don't 'YoungJae' me. I'm serious when I say that I want to help you. You obviously think that I'm pretty fucking dense but guess what, Daehyun? I'm not — I can see that you're hiding something from me. You think you're being all covert and hiding it behind a stone wall, but that wall has _cracks_ and one day it's going to collapse and if it does and I'm not there, I don't know what might happen.” The words spilled out of YoungJae's mouth in an uncontrollable flood that he had no power to stop. He was already on the verge of tears and the shocked expression on Daehyun's face only made it harder for him not to break down in the restaurant.  
  
“You think that I'll start drinking again?”  
  
“Not on purpose. You have an addiction, Daehyun. I don't care if it isn't as bad as your dad's, it's still an _addiction_ even if you aren't fully dependent on it. Your brain tells you that you need to drink and when you're stressed or hurting, you're already not completely in your right mind. I'm worried that if you get too depressed or stressed out, you won't be able to deny that urge and if I'm not there to watch over you, that might be the day that you do something stupid.” YoungJae closed his eyes against the few betraying tears that decorated his cheeks and continued. “I don't want to lose you Dae. Please don't keep anything from me that might make that happen.”  
  
Daehyun reached across the table to grab YoungJae's hand, not caring that other customers were around them. YoungJae didn't return the gesture at first, only when Daehyun squeezed his hand tightly did he wind their fingers together. Daehyun brought their hands to his lips and kissed YoungJae's hand softly before locking eyes with him. “You won't lose me. I promise I'll tell you everything tonight.”  
  
“Tonight?”  
  
“Oh yeah. I sort of forgot to ask— can I stay the night at your house? I was assuming you would say yes so I went ahead and made plans.” Daehyun smiled cheekily and YoungJae chuckled affectionately rolling his eyes slightly as he removed his hand from his boyfriend's grasp.  
  
“Yeah, sure. I doubt my parents will mind and Youngwon approves of you.”  
  
Daehyun grimaced. “Youngwon more than approves of us being together. He's going a little bit overboard with the DaeJae posts on twitter. It makes it kind of difficult to keep our relationship secret when he constantly brings light to it on social media.”  
  
“Talk to him tonight. I'm sure he'll understand.”  
  
Daehyun smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I'll do that. After we have our conversation.”

* * *

Several hours later YoungJae and Daehyun were laying on YoungJae's bed, winding down to go to sleep. Daehyun laid on his back with YoungJae curled against his side, head resting on Daehyun's chest. The younger man was silent, though Daehyun knew that he wasn't asleep—he was waiting for him to speak. Daehyun hated that he had to burden YoungJae further, but he knew in his heart that if he didn't take YoungJae's advice and be honest with him, that YoungJae would never forgive him if anything did end up happening. So, despite the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that he should keep his mouth shut, Daehyun took a deep breath and spoke. “You were right. My throat still hurts and the pain medication isn't strong enough anymore— I think my body has built up a tolerance for it. I'm afraid to take more than the suggested dosage because I don't want to end up like —” he paused when he saw YoungJae flinch at the almost mention of YongGuk's attempted suicide. “you know.” he said instead of directly saying their leader's name.  
  
“We should go see Doctor Hyun and get you some better pain medication. I'm sure that he wouldn't mind prescribing some—he knows how severe the damage to your vocal cords was.”  
  
“Yeah. I'll call him.”  
  
“You sound like there's something else on your mind. Go ahead and spill it before we get tired.”  
  
Daehyun sighed and began combing his fingers through YoungJae's thick hair to keep his hands occupied. “I'm worried about the lawsuit. Can we really win it?”  
  
“I don't know. We have plenty of proof that they're corrupt— YongGuk already got Doctor Hyun and the doctor who performed your surgery to print off the record of the hospital visits of the members who have been seen lately, aside from himself of course.” YoungJae's voice faded on the last few words and he shook his head, as if shaking away any negative thoughts. “we have records of Junhong who received a back injury that Doctor Hyun suspects was caused by the negligence of his employer, we have HimChan whose eating disorder was suspected to be caused by threats and overall influence of his employer, and finally you who had to have a major reconstruction surgery due to being overworked and pushed too far by your employer. That's a shitload of evidence against TS.”  
  
“Not to mention when YongGuk was burned because TS wasn't careful with the effects.”  
  
“Yep. That's another thing that could be used against them in court.” YoungJae rolled over onto his stomach so that his face was hovering above Daehyun's and kissed him sweetly. “do you feel reassured now?”  
  
“More than I did before.”  
  
YoungJae kissed Daehyun's nose before resuming his place, cuddled against his side. "Good. That's what I'm here for."  
  
Daehyun's chest rumbled as he laughed, the sound vibrating in YoungJae's eardrum. "It's funny, last time we talked about the lawsuit was when you were the one who needed reassurance. This time it's me."  
  
"Speaking of that, did you lie to me about believing that the lawsuit was our best bet?"  
  
"No," Daehyun said, voice rising in conviction. "I didn't. I still believe that we needed to file the lawsuit. More importantly, I believe in our group. We won't be torn apart just because we're not around each other all the time. We're going to hold on."  
  
"Daehyun!" YoungJae shouted, shooting up in bed so fast that Daehyun wondered if he was sick. He looked up at him in concern but the look in his eyes wasn't sick, but feverishly excited. "You know how you were talking about maybe getting a tattoo at some point?"  
  
"Yeah. It was right after YongGuk got the one on his chest."  
  
"Right! You can get a tattoo to express how you feel about the lawsuit. 'Hold' - I think that would be perfect. It would be private because no one else would know what it meant but to you, it would be symbolic."  
  
Daehyun's eyes widened and he nodded, quietly warming to the idea. "I can get it on my wrist so it's pretty easy to hide if I need to. I have another idea for a tattoo that I might look into getting with that one. I'll see if I can find a tattoo artist who can do them both on the same day."  
  
"What's the other tattoo idea?"  
  
"You'll find out when I go and get it." Daehyun wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and YoungJae scoffed.  
  
"You mean when _we_ go and get it because obviously, I'm coming with you. I mean if you're going to break the law, why not have company?"  
  
Daehyun laughed, a genuine smile forming on his face. "So it's a date?"  
  
YoungJae nodded affirmatively. "Weird place for a date, but yes, I guess it is."  
  
“I'll make it up to you by taking you out to eat again or something,” Daehyun assured him, already mentally deciding on what restaurant would be the best place for a date.  
  
All of the sudden, YoungJae's eyes darkened and he smirked deviously. “You don't have to make it up to me, but there is something you can do to for me right now.”  
  
Daehyun blinked, confusion clearly visible in his eyes. “What are you talking about?” the answer to Daehyun's question didn't come in the form of words, but instead in the form of YoungJae's hand running across his thigh until it landed on the front of his pajama pants. Daehyun's eyes widened and he jumped involuntarily at the unexpected contact. “Oh,” he said articulately and YoungJae laughed.  
  
“That's if you're up to it of course.” YoungJae pressed his hand more firmly against the slight bulge of his boyfriend's erection and Daehyun gasped.  
  
“How can I say no?” YoungJae moved so that he was straddling Daehyun's hips and smiled smugly.  
  
“That's the point. You can't.” Daehyun moaned as YoungJae ground his erection against his own, creating the most delicious sort of friction in his pants. By this point Daehyun was hard, his penis straining painfully against the thin barrier of his pajama pants. YoungJae seemed to notice this as he rolled off of Daehyun, situating himself by his boyfriend's legs. “Take your clothes off,” he commanded huskily. Daehyun was momentarily taken aback— YoungJae had never seemed like the type of person who would take charge in bed, but here he was ordering Daehyun around, and the other man had no desire to disobey— dominant YoungJae was fucking attractive, no pun intended.  
  
Daehyun did as instructed and pushed his pants down to his ankles, barely managing to kick them off and into the floor. His underwear and shirt followed soon after, leaving him bare and exposed to YoungJae's hungry gaze. The other had taken the liberty of removing his own clothing while Daehyun was preoccupied, and Daehyun turned his own gaze to his pert little nipples— they were kind of cute in a weird way and touching them was the quickest way to have YoungJae writhing underneath him. Yep, Daehyun had a thing for YoungJae's nipples.  
  
YoungJae caught him staring and grinned, tsking as he lowered his mouth to Daehyun's, kissing him fiercely before chuckling against his lips. “Thank god my parents decided to go out and Youngwon is with his friends.”  
  
Daehyun would have laughed, but at that exact moment, YoungJae decided to grab his dick in a firm hold, pumping it steadily so that it stood at full attention. Satisfied, YoungJae situated himself between Daehyun's legs and hovered above him before latching on his boyfriend's neck. He kissed his way down to Daehyun's collarbone, leaving a trail of prominent love bites in his mouth's wake. Daehyun's torso would surely be a mosaic of multicolored bruises the next day, but in that instant, YoungJae could have cared less. YoungJae continued to kiss down Daehyun's torso until he reached the sharp planes of his abs. He ran his hands over the vast expanse of Daehyun's muscles, watching in mystification as they jumped under his gentle touch.  
  
YoungJae continued his path lower, dipping his tongue into Daehyun's naval, eliciting a surprised gasp from the older man. Encouraged, YoungJae reached his final destination, Daehyun's member, which was already oozing slightly with precum. YoungJae took the head into his mouth, swallowing around it and bobbing his head rapidly as Daehyun shallowly bucked his hips. After a particularly forceful thrust, YoungJae gagged around the swollen member in his mouth, releasing it with a small pop to take a much-needed breath. “Sorry,” Daehyun said hoarsely and YoungJae showed his acceptance by once again willingly taking his dick into his mouth. He continued to suck Daehyun off, occasionally tonguing the slit at the tip of his penis. After a moment, he moved his attention to Daehyun's balls, gently massaging them with one hand while he used the other to hold Daehyun down as well as he could. The older member was far gone by this point, lost to the pleasure shooting through his body. He barely had enough brain power to make sure that he didn't buck his hips too aggressively and risk choking YoungJae again.  
  
A familiar tightening in his stomach signaled Daehyun that he was almost to his climax and he gasped as YoungJae gave his dick a particularly forceful suck. “Y-YoungJae. S-top. I'm c-close.” he stuttered, barely able to make a coherent sentence to get the younger's attention. YoungJae pulled off and Daehyun sat up, instantly drawing YoungJae to him before kissing him aggressively. YoungJae sucked on the tongue that invaded his mouth like it was the most delicious of lollipops and Daehyun couldn't help the moan that made it past the barrier of their joined lips.  
  
Daehyun pushed YoungJae back down on the bed and immediately reached over and started fumbling in the nightstand for lube or something similar. To his surprise, YoungJae grabbed his hand. “Dae... I..”  
  
“You what?”  
  
“Can..I top?” Daehyun's eyes momentarily widened before he seemed to recover. To YoungJae's surprise, he nodded.  
  
“Sure. You'll still need lube, though.”  
  
“Really?” YoungJae questioned in disbelief and Daehyun nodded again.  
  
“Why not? I'm not surprised, Jae. I figured that you would ask to top me at some point, I just didn't know when. If it's something that you really want to do, I don't have a problem with it.”  
  
“Oh. Okay.” YoungJae muttered nervously and Daehyun smirked.  
  
“Just find some lube and a condom if you have them. Topping isn't that hard so don't be nervous.”  
  
YoungJae didn't respond and instead reached into his still open nightstand, retrieving a small bottle of lube and a condom packet. He sat back down on the bed and struggled to open the condom packet with the way that his hands were shaking. Noticing his struggle, Daehyun gently took the condom out of his hands and opened it with limited difficulty, pulling out the condom and tossing the packet aside. “Do you know how to put one on?”  
  
“I remember stuff from my sex ed class, but I've never actually... you know, been _inside_ of someone.”  
  
To YoungJae's surprise and embarrassment, Daehyun laughed. “Well, I've never had anyone inside of _me_ before, so this should be an experience for both of us.”  
  
“You've never had anything inside of you?” YoungJae questioned with a raised eyebrow. Somehow he didn't believe that Daehyun had never gotten curious and tried _something._  
  
“I didn't say that, but I don't really count the time one of my ex-girlfriends got curious about prostates and tried to finger me. She cut me with her nail so that ended that experiment really quick.”  
  
YoungJae cringed. “Ow. That hurts me just to hear about.”  
  
Daehyun didn't respond, instead, he grabbed YoungJae's penis, shocking the younger at the unexpected contact. He carefully rolled the condom down his shaft, stopping only when it reached the base. By this point, YoungJae was panting, and Daehyun had to admit that it was one of the sexiest things he had ever seen. Daehyun relaxed against the pillows and stared up into YoungJae's face. “Now you need to prepare me.”  
  
YoungJae gulped but nodded as he uncapped the small bottle of lube and coated his fingers generously in the thick substance. He slowly brought his finger down to Daehyun's hole, quickly realizing that his hands were shaking. Daehyun watched him silently, though his trusting expression gave YoungJae the confidence he needed to push the first finger inside. The reaction was instantaneous; Daehyun stiffened up like he had been shot, unconsciously making himself clench around YoungJae's intruding finger. “Daehyun, _breathe_ ,” YoungJae commanded, and Daehyun took a few uneasy gulps of oxygen, flinching as YoungJae moved his finger. Desperate to pleasure Daehyun so that the pain lessened, YoungJae searched for the thick ring of muscle that would make him see stars. It took a minute, but he knew he had found it when Daehyun released a wanton moan and arched against the pillows, very nearly slamming his head into the headboard.  
  
Taking the opportunity to insert another finger, YoungJae breached Daehyun's hole again, using both digits to massage against his prostate. He watched, completely mesmerized as his fingers were swallowed by Daehyun's body. Daehyun flinched only slightly at the intrusion of the second finger but before long he was grinding down against the fingers inside of his ass, quite literally fucking himself with them. YoungJae removed his fingers, drawing out a disappointed whimper from Daehyun. That whimper was quickly cut off as he watched YoungJae slick his cock with lube. YoungJae aligned himself with Daehyun's entrance, glancing up into Daehyun's face for the go ahead. Daehyun nodded once and YoungJae gently breached his boyfriend's ass, only stopping when he was fully sheathed inside.  
  
Daehyun's entire body was rigged with pain. YoungJae leaned forward and captured his lips, kissing him passionately in the hopes of momentarily distracting him from the discomfort. Daehyun pulled away to take a breath, as he did so, he wrapped his arms around YoungJae tightly before closing his eyes. “You can move.” he urged, and that was exactly what YoungJae did. The younger bucked his hips, slowly at first and then more quickly as Daehyun adjusted to the feeling of being penetrated.  
  
YoungJae increased the tempo, pounding into Daehyun as hard as he could while still being considerate to the fact that this was Daehyun's first time bottoming. The older was panting, out of breath from the amount of pain and pleasure overwhelming him all at once. He reached down to his own painfully hard member, grasping it tightly and giving himself a few hard jerks. The tightening in his stomach was becoming overwhelming and he knew that it was only a matter of time before he reached his climax. YoungJae seemed to be reaching his limit as well as the younger's thrusts became more erratic and their previous rhythm all but disappeared. Daehyun stopped jerking himself off and reached up to YoungJae's chest, teasing his nipples with his fingers. YoungJae moaned at the intense pleasure that the action caused, and gave a final erratic thrust before spilling into the condom. Daehyun finished a moment late, cum spilling across their bodies in white lines.  
  
YoungJae pulled out of Daehyun gently before unrolling the condom from his member. He tossed the soiled condom in the trashcan beside the bed before staring down at Daehyun who had already closed his eyes in exhaustion. “We should take a shower, Dae. I don't want cum all over my bed.”  
  
“Yeah, you're right.” Daehyun agreed, sitting up gently. He winced as pain shot through his ass. “I don't see how you handle being the bottom.”  
  
“You get used to it. We should start taking turns topping and bottoming so we get used to both positions.”  
  
“I don't think you need to get used to anything. That was amazing.” Daehyun said, grinning as YoungJae blushed.  
  
“Why is it that whenever we're having an important conversation about the lawsuit in a bedroom, we end up having sex?” YoungJae questioned, instantly shifting the focus of the conversation from himself.  
  
“Talking about the lawsuit makes us tense and upset, and having sex makes everything else evaporate for a short while. That or we're just really horny sometimes.”  
  
YoungJae chuckled before grabbing Daehyun's hand and hauling him off the bed. “I'm going to go with the latter.”

* * *

Daehyun awoke in the middle of the night with YoungJae fast asleep beside him, cuddled into his side. The younger's dark black hair was covering half of his face as he slept peacefully. Daehyun really didn't want to get up, but his bladder was insistently demanding that he go to the restroom. He gently maneuvered his way out from under his sleeping boyfriend who stirred but didn't wake when he moved out from under him.  
  
As he left the bedroom in pursuit of the bathroom, Daehyun heard noise coming from the living room. Curious, he changed direction and walked into the living room only to discover Youngwon watching television. The older man glanced up at Daehyun's approach and gave him a friendly smile. “Morning.”  
  
“Morning.” Daehyun greeted, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. Youngwon's brow furrowed in concern as he noticed Daehyun's obvious unease.  
  
“Something wrong? You seem pretty uncomfortable.”  
  
“I am. I mean I'm not but you've been doing something that makes me uncomfortable.” Youngwon raised a brow but remained silent, prompting Daehyun to explain himself further. “I appreciate that you support YoungJae and I dating, but you share all of those DaeJae ship posts way too much on Twitter. We're _idols_ — it could destroy our reputations if it ever got out that we're dating. We need to keep it as private as possible and constantly having it brought to light that YoungJae's brother ships us together breeds speculation.”  
  
Youngwon nodded in understanding. “I see. I'll tone it down then.” he paused as if debating his next words before sighing and deciding to hell with caution. “it's just that YoungJae has changed — for the better— since you started dating. I know what happened with KiMin— he thinks I don't but I'm his older brother. He can't hide stuff from me. After what happened, he stopped socializing. He likes to blame the big move to another town as the reason he became antisocial, but that was only a small part of it. KiMin is the reason he doesn't trust anyone. Since he got with you, he's started acting more like he used to. We're closer now than we have been in a while— he comes to me to fanboy about you. I never thought I would see him like this again. He's in love.”  
  
Daehyun blinked in shock before a small smile spread across his face. “I make YoungJae more social?”  
  
“You really do.” Youngwon agreed seriously. “he's happy even though you're going through hard times. I don't know where he would be right now if he didn't have you. He probably wouldn't leave his room until the lawsuit was settled.”  
  
“I'm glad we have each other than,” Daehyun said gently and Youngwon smiled.  
  
“Yeah. Clearly, I am too.”

* * *

Two weeks later, Daehyun and YoungJae strolled casually out of the tattoo parlor where Daehyun had gotten the two tattoos that he had decided on getting - 'Hold' on his right wrist and the special design on his lower back that he had yet to unveil to YoungJae who had been asked to turn around during the majority of the tattooing process. The two barely managed to get out the door of the parlor before YoungJae laughed. “I can't believe you got a tramp stamp.”  
  
Daehyun laughed, completely unfazed by YoungJae's joke. “Something on my lower back is pretty easy to hide unless we go swimming. Plus, I don't really care _where_ the tattoo is as long as I have it. The message is important to me.”  
  
“Are you going to tell me what it is?”  
  
“It says,” Daehyun paused for dramatic effect and YoungJae rolled his eyes. “Best Absolute Perfect.”  
  
Because regardless of whether or not they were actively performing, that was exactly what B.A.P was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N I'm not exactly sure when Daehyun got the second tattoo, it wasn't revealed until their One Fine Day but that doesn't mean that he didn't have it before that, so I just wrote him as having gotten them on the same day, because it made it easier that w


	26. Hiatus Notice

I didn't want to have to do this in the form of posting an update, but I feel like I should. First of all, thank you to everyone who has and is supporting Overdose - it means the world to me. As for the fate of Overdose, **I'M NOT QUITTING IT** \- I promise. The truth of the matter is that I lost my mother on February 1st of 2016. I was 16 and my mom was my world because I grew up without my dad. She was sick since I was very young and that led to other issues with her, but I still loved my mom than anything and I didn't know how to cope after losing her - I still don't. Overdose is my outlet for the abundance of emotions I have in my daily life since her death. Not all of the boy's issues are issues that I personally struggle with, but all are issues that I understand the feeling of/has other experiences with. I use the members of B.A.P to be my outlet as well as through a fanfict trying to resolve the issues they've each admitted to dealing with if nothing else to give myself peace of mind since there is little else that us fans can do in the real world. Despite all of this, Overdose simply gets to be too much sometimes considering that it is based majorly on my own emotions.and the story becomes too close to home for me so I'm forced to take a step back. This time that step back has finally helped me realize that losing my mom isn't something I can get over on my own, so I'm seeking professional help. I have an appointment in May that will hopefully be the first step of helping me become myself again. **I'm not sure when I'll be back** to write the last few chapters but believe me when I say I will be back because this story has been my constant through the darkest time in my life and I owe it to myself and the boys to finish it. Thank you for your continued support and I'm sorry for not posting this sooner.


	27. Scene 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Crap, pasted the wrong A/N in the wrong place - it was five in the morning XD. This was supposed to be the first A/N. Well, guess who's back. :D I went to the doctor and slowly but surely, I'm starting to get better. My depression isn't gone, but it's... more manageable. I'm able to motivate myself to write more even though there are definitely still days where I only feel like sleeping. Speaking of which I'm starting to sleep better, so I spend less time sleeping which allows me more time to be productive. I'm trying -- it'll be a long battle, but for the first time I think I can have hope that everything will get better. Which, in large part, is what this chapter is about. More on that at the A/N at the end of the fic. Thank you to everyone who remained subscribed and has supported me - you have no idea how much it means. I'm starting another fic that I'll write alongside Overdose, and I intend to finish Overdose between now and August.   
> Warning: Smut (there's one more after this -- sorry to anyone who doesn't like it, but I wanted to tie my romance arcs off with smut. I give the location, so you have the option to skip should it make you uncomfortable! <3) It starts at "HimChan glanced up at the noise, dark eyes following YongGuk's movements as the older approached him." and ends at "You're beautiful, HimChan."

“You've gained weight, HimChan. It isn't a substantial amount, but you've made progress. I'm proud of you.” The words rang hollow in HimChan's ears as he slowly moved his gaze down to the scale he was standing on. The numbers on the digital display glared back at him, and he glared back defiantly. He was a few pounds heavier — so what? HimChan knew that he wasn't nearly as confident as he pretended to be, but even false confidence was better than none. HimChan bit his lip and glanced at Doctor Hyun who smiled at him knowingly. “this is a good thing, HimChan. I know you don't see it yet, but you aren't fat. In fact, you're quite thin. Putting on some weight will dramatically improve your health and energy levels.”

“When will I be able to see what you do?” HimChan questioned after a moment as he stepped off of the scale. He felt small — metaphorically, of course, standing in the middle of the large examination room with only himself and Doctor Hyun. He wasn't exactly uncomfortable, but he was much more aware of himself in the face of being alone with only one other person. He just hoped that the doctor wouldn't scrutinize him too hard. Doctor Hyun sighed and distractedly adjusted the leather belt secured around his waist before making eye contact with his patient.

“I can't give you a definitive answer to that, HimChan. You're making progress, but recovery is a long road that you aren't going to cross in a matter of days. It could take weeks, months, years even. But you have to realize that you are strong enough to overcome.”

“So you're saying that I might always see a whale when I look in the mirror?” HimChan's voice came out much more bitter than he had intended and it showed by the way that Doctor Hyun winced at the obvious malice in his voice. “sorry.” HimChan amended, and the doctor gave him a sympathetic look.

“We won't know until we progress further into your treatment. I wish that I could tell you more, but I can't. You'll just have to continue attending the therapy sessions. Also, you're handling this as well as you can. I was gauging your reaction the knowledge that you had put on some weight. You seemed to take it in stride. Think of that as a small victory.” HimChan sighed and closed his eyes, taking a deep, calming breath.

“Small victory for a little person?” HimChan questioned, and Doctor Hyun smiled.

“Exactly. That's the positive outlook you need to have. I know it's hard, HimChan, but you aren't alone in this. You have the support of everyone in the support group and your band, as well as my support. You will get through this and will be stronger for it."

“Yeah, I guess so.” HimChan agreed noncommittally, and Doctor Hyun's grip on his shoulder tightened. HimChan smiled though it was evident that he forced the expression. Maybe the doctor was right, and all he needed was time, but at that moment HimChan felt like progress was unattainable.

* * *

“So, how did the check up with Doctor Hyun go?” YongGuk questioned over the plate of spaghetti that HimChan had cooked up for them. Since B.A.P had filed the lawsuit, HimChan had rented a small apartment in the outskirts of Seoul — the small building had a surprisingly high-end kitchen, and HimChan had insisted on utilizing the kitchen facilities even though neither of them tended to eat very much. HimChan's jaw tightened at the mention of his doctor's appointment. YongGuk noticed the change in HimChan's expression and his gaze softened — the answer was clear enough not to be answered with words. “Not well I guess?”

“I could ask you the same thing, you know. You never told me how the appointment about your depression went.”

“About the same as yours did,” YongGuk muttered, and both men fell into silence. HimChan continued poking at the meatballs on his plate obviously to keep up the impression of being involved in the meal without actually having to eat. Seeing HimChan in this state hurt YongGuk more than he would ever admit to the younger man — he would never understand how someone so effortlessly beautiful could ever not realize how gorgeous that they were. Although YongGuk couldn't bring himself to blame HimChan's eating disorders on himself — HimChan not realizing that he was beautiful wasn't out of lack of trying on YongGuk's part. YongGuk made sure to tell HimChan how amazing he looked whenever he felt that the younger was in need of a compliment, but those sweet conversations always ended with the same result — a blushing HimChan who was obviously flattered but was never able to bring himself to believe the honeyed words.

Though sometimes his efforts seemed fruitless, YongGuk always tried to make HimChan realize his worth by showing him all of the reasons that had made him drawn to HimChan. He didn't expect his words to be enough to save HimChan, but he truly believed that if he tried hard enough, he could help HimChan recover. It was that belief that made YongGuk push his chair back and stand up, his barely touched plate of pasta long forgotten. HimChan glanced up at the noise, dark eyes following YongGuk's movements as the older approached him.

He felt the chair he was sitting in being slid away from the table and gasped when strong arms wound their way around him. YongGuk eased HimChan into a standing position and held him close for a moment before leaning back and taking his face gently in his hand. Calloused fingertips inspected every inch of HimChan's face from his nose down to his perfectly angled jaw. HimChan melted against the sweet touches, eyes closing in pleasure at the sensations only to quickly open again when YongGuk's deep voice rumbled in his chest. “Eyes open, Channie. I want to see them.”

HimChan obliged, locking eyes with YongGuk as the older smiled. “You're beautiful,” he muttered softly, and HimChan flushed an attractive scarlet color. He desperately wanted to believe YongGuk's words but was unable to bring himself to accept them. YongGuk brushed his finger gently against HimChan's bottom lip before kissing him softly, almost chastely. HimChan hesitated only briefly before reciprocating the action, deepening the kiss by wrapping his arms securely around his lover's neck. YongGuk groaned low in his throat as HimChan's tongue prodded at his lips. The older parted his lips just enough to grant HimChan entrance, and the visual used YongGuk's compliance to his full advantage as he dominated the kiss. Teeth scraped together clumsily, but neither of them cared as HimChan worked a knee in between YongGuk's legs. YongGuk gasped in response, dark eyes fluttering open in surprise just in time to catch the ghost of a smirk leaving HimChan's face.

Without warning, YongGuk enveloped HimChan's midsection, lifting the younger man into his arms. HimChan bit his tongue to stop himself from screaming as he wrapped his legs securely around his partner's waist. To his surprise, YongGuk didn't seem to struggle at all while holding him.

“Am I not heavy?” he questioned softly, his lust filled expression morphing into a frown.

A dark look fleeted across YongGuk's face so quickly that HimChan wondered if he had imagined it. “No HimChan, you aren't.” YongGuk's usually passive voice had taken on a steely tone, and HimChan realized that he hadn't imagined the troubled look that YongGuk had given him seconds before.

In the few seconds of silence that followed, HimChan made a decision. He wasn't dumb — he knew that YongGuk was trying to distract him, even if it was just for a little while. Normally the voice inside of his head that told him that he wasn't attractive enough to be seen in public with YongGuk let alone have sex with him would have spoken up and effectively ruined the mood, but YongGuk's words seemed to be having some effect on his confidence. That or the demonic voice was waiting until the deed had been started in full to intervene.

Whatever the reason the voice was silent, HimChan was determined to allow YongGuk to distract him. For once, he was willing to let YongGuk call him beautiful and make love to him without arguing, even if he couldn't bring himself to believe the flattering words. HimChan decided to hell with it and wrapped his arms around YongGuk's neck, kissing him with abandon. YongGuk hesitated for only a second before reciprocating the kiss. HimChan's fingers tangled in YongGuk's hair a little too roughly, but the older didn't comment. Instead, he held him tighter so that he wouldn't drop him as he slowly made his way to the bedroom.

As soon as they reached the bedroom, YongGuk broke the kiss and lowered HimChan onto the bed before crawling on top of him. Rather than kissing HimChan on the lips, he lowered his lips down to the right side of HimChan's neck, lightly nipping the skin with his teeth. HimChan moaned in response and YongGuk smirked, gently licking the abused spot before placing another love bite lower on HimChan's neck. HimChan thrashed in discomfort on the bed, his erection straining painfully against the tight confines of his jeans.

YongGuk noticed HimChan's discomfort — how could he not with the swollen bulge pressed against his thigh? Rather than taking mercy on the thrashing man below him, YongGuk took his time as he slowly began peeling HimChan's shirt away from his body. The younger man stiffened, muscles going rigid as he stared up at YongGuk with wide brown eyes full of terror. “What are you doing?”

“You — wouldn't it be kind of uncomfortable to have sex with clothes on?” HimChan frantically shook his head no.

“I don't want you to see me with my clothes off. I'm —”

“Beautiful?” YongGuk cut in and HimChan closed his eyes, taking a deep, calming breath. He willed the self-conscious voice in his head to shut up. It didn't of course, but for once, he wasn't willing to let it get in the way of being with YongGuk.

“Just go ahead and take my shirt off.”

Momentary hope warmed YongGuk's heart as he nuzzled against HimChan's neck, planting a soft kiss there. “Do you believe me when I say you're beautiful?”

“No,” HimChan whispered, and YongGuk's heart plummeted until he felt gentle hands on the side of his face. He met HimChan's eyes then and for the first time noticed something other than fear in his partner's expression. Trust. “but I'm willing to try to believe you.” HimChan kissed YongGuk tenderly with none of the earlier urgency.

After a moment, YongGuk broke the kiss to pull up HimChan's shirt. He went slowly, gazing into HimChan's eyes all the while to gauge his reaction. HimChan bit his lip but didn't flinch as the cold air hit his halfway exposed torso. He raised his arms when the shirt was up to his chest and allowed YongGuk to pull it the rest of the way off his body. HimChan shuddered when he felt gentle fingers skimming across his stomach up to his chest and across his nipples. His breath hitched when he felt YongGuk's hot breath against his throat again. The older kissed the left side of his neck before moving to the middle of his chest, over his heart. YongGuk kissed the spot tenderly before moving onto other parts of HimChan's chest.

When YongGuk's mouth closed around HimChan's nipple, the effect was instant. HimChan moaned and threw his head back against the pillow, very nearly knocking into the headboard. YongGuk hummed low in his throat as he continued to tease the nub, using his fingers to pinch HimChan's other nipple. HimChan ran his hands across YongGuk's stomach, feeling the subtle hints of abs underneath his shirt.

“You've lost weight,” HimChan muttered sadly. YongGuk stopped his ministrations on HimChan's nipple and stared into his eyes warily. It was obvious that HimChan hadn't voiced his comment out of jealousy, but out of worry for him. How could someone who was so unhealthily small be worried about him?

“I'm okay. Let's not worry about that right now, alright?” HimChan nodded in acceptance as he tried to pull YongGuk's shirt off, impatiently bunching up the fabric. YongGuk obliged and pulled the shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor alongside HimChan's own discarded shirt. HimChan's hands roamed across the sharp planes of abs. He had to force himself to ignore how thin YongGuk felt under his hands, almost like a brittle leaf ready to break in the wind.

Ignoring his worry, HimChan moved his hands lower. YongGuk moaned as HimChan's hands brushed against his swollen member through the barrier of his jeans. HimChan smirked, pressing his hand harder against the bulge in response. Electricity shot through YongGuk as he rolled off of HimChan and reached over to the nightstand, fumbling around in the drawer to retrieve a bottle of lube. He laid the bottle beside HimChan before quickly ridding himself of his pants and boxers then doing the same to HimChan, still watching the younger man's reaction carefully as the garments were removed and discarded on the floor.

HimChan hissed as the cold air hit his member. The same breath of air turned into a moan as YongGuk's hand wrapped around his base, slowly pumping in time with his erratic breathing. HimChan gasped as YongGuk's fingers teased the head of his penis, swirling the dots of precum that had gathered there with his thumb.

“Fuck.” HimChan ground out, his voice filled with lust and uncertainty and desire. YongGuk grinned, pride bubbling up in his chest.

“Feel good?”

“God yes.” HimChan bucked his hips into the heat of YongGuk's fist to enunciate his point. YongGuk continued pumping until HimChan's thrusting became erratic, signaling that he was near release. YongGuk ceased his moments much to HimChan's dismay, smirking evilly when HimChan sent a glare his way.

“You can't cum yet. I promised to distract you and make you realize how beautiful you are. I can't do that until I've worshiped every part of you.” HimChan's heart fluttered, and he nodded as his disappointment melted away. YongGuk uncapped the bottle of lube and poured a generous amount of the sticky liquid onto his fingers before giving his member a few quick jerks to coat it in the substance. He poured more lube onto his fingers and slowly lowered his fingers to HimChan's hole. He carefully slid the first finger into HimChan's tight heat, eliciting a sharp gasp of discomfort from his partner.

“Sorry.” he apologized. Rather than accepting the apology, HimChan shook his head.

“Don't apologize, just hurry up and make it feel good.”

YongGuk deftly added a second finger and scissored the two together, effectively stretching his lover. He curled his fingers in search of HimChan's prostate, successfully located the small bundle of nerves a few seconds later. HimChan was panting by this point, his erection leaking as it brushed against the bare skin of YongGuk's thigh. YongGuk took that as his cue to pull his fingers out, wiping them on the sheet before slowly sliding in between HimChan's legs. He gave his member a few quick jerks before positioning the head at HimChan's hole. HimChan gave him a nod when he met the younger's gaze, and without further encouragement, he pushed inside.

The two moaned in unison as YongGuk began working up a steady rhythm, pulling out halfway before slamming back into HimChan with full force. HimChan closed his eyes, enjoying the sensations that YongGuk made him feel. He could hear YongGuk panting and guessed that the older was close, the comment that he was becoming an old man at a relatively young age perhaps not so far off.

YongGuk's panting got louder as did the moans spilling unperturbed from HimChan's mouth. HimChan's member twitched and he realized that he was close to his own release. He jerked himself off rapidly before stuttering out a quick warning to YongGuk as his cum coated his stomach with tendrils of murky white. YongGuk came with a sharp gasp seconds later. He pulled out of HimChan and collapsed onto the bed beside him, a lazy grin forming on his face.

“That was good, no?” he questioned, and HimChan nodded, allowing a small smile to grace his features.

“Yeah, it was. It's been awhile since the last time.” HimChan agreed, nuzzling against YongGuk's shoulder. YongGuk kissed the top of HimChan's head affectionately.

“You're beautiful, HimChan. Gorgeous, stunning, perfect. You don't need to change anything about you.” YongGuk felt something wet against his shoulder blade and quickly realized by the way that HimChan's body was shaking that it was tears.

“I want to believe you but I can't. I'm sorry.” HimChan cried harder into YongGuk's shoulder when he felt the older's hands in his hair, gently combing through the knotted strands with his fingers.

“You don't have to believe me right now. I have faith that one day you'll be able to see for yourself how beautiful you are. I'll be along for the journey. You'll never be alone in this again, Channie.”

“I'm here for you too, you know. You can talk to me, YongGuk.”

“I know.” YongGuk replied though HimChan couldn't help but feel that he sounded unconvinced. He tried not to let the fact that YongGuk still felt that he was alone in his battle hurt him too badly, instead vowing to support YongGuk when he needed a shoulder to lean on.

“How about we clean up and get some sleep? I'm sticky and tired now.” HimChan questioned, effectively changing the desolate mood into a more humorous one.

“Yeah,” YongGuk agreed with a small smile. “let's go.”

* * *

HimChan rolled over on his back, staring into the darkness of his new bedroom. Slowly, he allowed his gaze to travel down to the sleeping man beside him. YongGuk laid on his stomach, eyes closed and black hair not entirely disheveled just because of the pillow. He looked as peaceful as he ever looked while sleeping; never totally relaxed, even while deeply asleep. The ever persistent crease between his brow was still perceptible, and HimChan briefly pondered what dreams the older male could be having that wouldn't allow the expression to leave his face. Maybe it was best that he not know, but rather for him to be a support system for YongGuk to rely on when the nightmares got bad.

Pushing the thought away, for the time being, HimChan sighed as he rolled over to the edge of the bed and sat up, other thoughts forcing themselves to the forefront of his mind. He'd left the spaghetti on the stove top, and his and YongGuk's nearly full plates on the kitchen table. He doubted that he would eat much of it but there was no sense in wasting an entire meal — he could easily call Daehyun over to eat it if necessary. As quietly as he could to avoid waking YongGuk, HimChan got out of bed, wincing at the squeaking noise the bed made at the loss of his weight. Sounded like he would need to buy a new bed soon if he didn't lose weight. Thankfully YongGuk remained asleep through the noise and for that HimChan was grateful — the leader was in desperate need of sleep where he could get it.

HimChan stumbled through the half dark apartment, somehow managing to make it into the dimly lit kitchen without injury. Warily, he approached the stove. Sure enough, the full pot of spaghetti was still on the stove, though it had long since gone cold. For once, HimChan's stomach growled when he smelled the leftover food. He wasn't surprised; he had only eaten a few bites for dinner and had skipped breakfast and lunch. He needed to eat, but the thought of putting something in his mouth terrified him. He was gaining weight and still couldn't bring himself to believe that was a good thing, regardless of what Doctor Hyun and YongGuk told him. Even so, the growling in his stomach told him that he needed to eat if nothing else because his body needed the nourishment. Biting his lip, HimChan grabbed the plate of spaghetti that he had neglected earlier and heated it up in the microwave — it hadn't been more than a few hours since he had fallen asleep and the apartment was slightly cold so he figured the food would be safe to eat.

The nervousness about eating returned in full when the microwave beeped, alerting him that the spaghetti was finished heating. With a gulp, he grabbed the hot plate and sat it down on the table before slowly sinking into his chair. The scent of the steaming food wafted up to his nose and his mouth salivated. He really was hungry. With a shaking hand, HimChan brought the first bite of spaghetti to his lips, swallowing thickly before slowly pushing the fork into his mouth. Swallowing felt like he was forcing a ton of bricks down his throat and he gagged, but miraculously managed to keep it down. The second bite was easier to swallow, and by the fifth he barely noticed the nauseated feeling rising in the pit of his stomach. HimChan continued eating through the sick feeling, and before long, half of the food on the plate had disappeared.

HimChan paused to look down at the plate in front of him and instantly regretted the decision. He'd eaten more than he had intended. He had overindulged, even if his body had been in desperate need of nutrients. After all of this time, he still couldn't control his urge to overeat. He felt like a pig, consuming everything in sight with no self-restraint. Bile rose in HimChan's throat, and he clenched his fist tightly together. The thoughts didn't stop, and the memory that his favorite pair of jeans no longer fit resurfaced in his mind. How could he possibly need to gain weight when already in such a short amount of time his clothing didn't fit? How could someone as thin as YongGuk ever see someone as fat as him attractive? Self-conscious thoughts that HimChan couldn't tune out filled his head, their whispers feeding his insecurities to the point that he just wanted it to fucking stop.

And then, the loudest thought of all set HimChan in motion. “You know how to make it stop.” 

HimChan rushed to the bathroom, not caring that he could barely see. He flung the bathroom door open and flicked the light on. He barely managed to pull up the toilet lid before he started gagging. Tears cascaded down his face but he barely noticed, too focused on ridding himself of the volatile food poisoning his body. HimChan couldn't hear the soft footsteps padding down the hallway towards the bathroom over the sound of his pained retching. Only when he felt a gentle hand rubbing soothing circles on his back did he realize that he was no longer alone. A choked sob escaped HimChan's mouth along with more of the spaghetti as he heaved into the toilet. YongGuk had caught him in the act — he wouldn't be able to hide from him anymore. The realization brought a fresh wave of tears to his eyes, and he simply didn't have the energy to wipe them away. HimChan cried until his stomach was empty and his tears were all that spilled into the toilet bowl. All the while, the gentle hand on his back never ceased moving.

HimChan wasn't sure how long the two of them sat like that, with him still leaned over the toilet and YongGuk continuously stroking his back. The silence lingered long enough for his sobs to quiet and the tears on his face to dry. YongGuk was the first to speak, his deep baritone voice sounding even deeper in the near silence of the bathroom.

“HimChan,”

“It isn't okay, YongGuk,” HimChan butt in, guessing what YongGuk was about to say. “don't you dare try and tell me that this is okay.”

“I wasn't going to. I was going to say that it isn't your fault. This is a step in a long recovery process, not a failure. Don't think that this means that you can't or won't get better because you are strong enough to get through this.” YongGuk paused as HimChan turned around to face him. “Also, you have me behind you.”

YongGuk barely had time to react before a force slammed into his midsection, nearly knocking him backward. HimChan buried his face into YongGuk's chest, tears soaking through the fabric of his shirt before HimChan had time to realize that he was crying again. It didn't take him long to realize that he wasn't the only one crying. YongGuk rested his chin on top of HimChan's head, his tears wetting HimChan's hair. Neither of them said anything, instead, they simply found comfort in each other's presence.

Recovery was a long road that HimChan had only just started on, but maybe, just maybe he could believe that there was hope at the end of the tunnel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Well, this is the end of HimChan's arc. I'm sorry it didn't end happier, but Overdose isn't meant to be a happy story. :( It's meant to some justice to the struggles that I feel like the boys went through or are currently going through. I realized that HimChan's eating disorders are like my depression and anxiety - as much as you want to, you can't just will them away. It'll be a long better but HimChan has hope of getting better, whether or not that applies to only my HimChan or the actual HimChan. I have hope of getting better, HimChan has hope of getting better and to any of my readers struggling with mental or physical illnesses, you have hope of getting better because you're strong. <3
> 
> Thank you for reading and hopefully, it won't take as long to get the next chapter out. :) There are roughly three chapters left. 


	28. Scene 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Long A/N ahead - if you'd rather not read, please at least read anything in bold or marked with an asterisk (***) beside it! :)
> 
> Hi guys, I'm back! I'm sorry for disappearing again without letting you guys know where I was but the truth is I really didn't feel like doing anything. My doctor increased my depression medicine (it's also supposed to help somewhat with insomnia, *spoiler: It doesn't) and that proved to be a huge mistake. While the medicine wasn't helping me go to sleep at all, it was making me tired and zombie-like during the day, all day. I was basically mentally drained and could barely think straight so obviously, I quit writing. The doctor then proceeded to put me on another medicine that increased the effects even more (once again in an effort to help me sleep) but the medicine still didn't help me sleep and I was still a zombie during the day. Also, for some reason after this, my regular go-to sleeping pill caused the same effects so now I'm being forced to sleep without a pill and some days it's near impossible for me. Needless to say, this has been a struggle and I'm trying to learn how to sleep with out sleep aids but it isn't easy. Sadly school started August 9 (yay I'm a senior wooooh!) and I still have insomnia but hopefully, that'll be fixed soon. It's been a long struggle for as long as I remember but for the first time in my life, I am determined to get it fixed and not struggle through my last year of high school just because I'm too dead tired to work. I'll try to get the next two scenes out as soon as possible but I'll be honest and say I don't know when I'll be able to get them out - hopefully soon. :)
> 
> ***Warning: This chapter is rated M and Trigger Warning for a reason - all triggers previously used are mentioned in this chapter (eating disorders, depression, suicide, alcoholism, panic attacks) as well as the addition of cutting and the use of ipecac syrup to aid in an eating disorder. These parts aren't very long though overall the possibly triggering part of the story is pretty long, so please brace yourself for that. 
> 
> ***There is NO SMUT in this scene, just kissing and some relationship development. There was supposed to be but there isn't. I wrote it but I just couldn't go with it for many reasons - build up is off, unbelievable, their ages etc -   if anybody wants to read the smut you can ask me and I'll upload to google docs and send you the link- it just isn't officially part of OD. 
> 
> The start of their relationship in this scene is how I could see it happening if it were true, so it might not be believable to you, but I can see it happening considering their personalities and situation. ALSO -- I realized later that I referred to Zelo almost exclusively as "Junhong" rather than referring to him as Zelo out of the context of dialogue - it's been so long since I wrote Overdose I forgot how I usually write it XD :')
> 
> Also, the timing of the chapter may be off; I have a hard time reconstructing the timeline of when Zelo went to Canada so keep that in mind - I tried lol. 
> 
> ***And the next scene which is YongGuk's actually takes place before this, but I wanted the last scene before the final one to be YongGuk since the story started with him. 

**Ontario, Canada, December 2014 - Approximately four months after lawsuit was filed**

JongUp shivered in the backseat of the taxi, slouching down further in his seat in a feeble attempt to make himself smaller to conserve body heat. He was still freezing even through the layers of warmth provided by his wool sweater and heavy winter jacket. JongUp knew that Canada was especially cold during the winter, but he hadn't anticipated the level of cold that seeped through his clothing and chilled him straight to the bone. The heating system of the vehicle helped a little but not nearly enough to make the ride comfortable, and the driver seemed to notice his passenger's discomfort.  
  
“First time in Canada?” came the unexpected question and JongUp found himself shaking his head, trying to formulate a coherent response. English admittedly wasn't his strong point but one word came to mind that adequately summed up his thoughts.  
  
“Alone.”  
  
The taxi driver scoffed good naturedly, meeting JongUp's eyes in the rear view mirror. “What, did your momma make sure you dressed warm enough last time you were here?” JongUp froze in a different sense as a flashback from the last time he was in Canada came to him. He remembered HimChan impatiently ushering the other members into the van that they were taking to their concert. HimChan had stopped JongUp before he could slip into the backseat with Junhong, giving his thin jacket a look of disapproval. “It's cold, Uppie. You should really go back inside and put on a thicker jacket, at least until we get to the concert hall.” JongUp had taken HimChan's advice and had been glad that he had done so - ten minutes into the ride he had been freezing even with the body heat generated by the other members and the thick jacket that he'd worn at his hyung's suggestion. The same jacket, he realized with a small smile, that he was wearing now. The driver's question popped back into JongUp's mind and his smile widened ever so slightly. HimChan wasn't his mother, no, but he sure as hell acted like it.  
  
Now that he thought about it, all of the members were like a family, whether they were related by blood or not. JongUp missed them but he knew that the decision to file the lawsuit had been for the best, whatever the outcome be. At least, that was what he told himself at night when he felt a migraine coming on. It never really made much of a difference, but it at least proved that he hadn't completely lied to Junhong about hope making things a little bit easier. The thought of the younger made JongUp's stomach twist in a way that he wasn't entirely familiar with. He was no stranger to the nervous butterflies that he often felt in his stomach before going onstage for a performance, but this was different; he wasn't nervous to be seen in front of thousands of people, just one person in particular. JongUp hadn't seen Junhong since the Younger's departure to Canada a month prior.  
  
The younger boy had called JongUp out of nowhere and asked him to travel to Canada to see him, citing that he had a new song that he was sure would be his first solo release that he wanted JongUp to give feedback on before he went to a recording company. JongUp had been hesitant at first — he wasn't exactly swimming in cash thanks to TS, but he had saved most of the money he had earned from the few times that TS had paid them. JongUp had attempted to convince Junhong that he would be fine hearing the song after its release but Junhong had been adamant that JongUp hear it beforehand. JongUp hadn't been willing to argue with him so he'd bought the ticket despite the serious hurt that the decision put on his bank account.  
  
Now here he was three days later in the back of a freezing cold taxi approximately ten minutes away from the hotel that promised him safety from the cold and a warm shower. Alongside the nervousness, JongUp also felt a sense of increasing excitement as he thought about seeing Junhong. Due to the years they had spent living under the same roof, JongUp had grown accustomed to seeing him every day, several times a day. After a month long separation, it almost felt like seeing Junhong would be a completely new experience like he was meeting him for the first time. The sentiment might have sounded like an exaggeration, but that didn't make it any less true; no matter what way you spun it, filing the lawsuit against TS had changed everything in one way or another, including the members.  
  
Junhong had become, for lack of a better word, more _battle hardened_ , and there was no telling how much more change he had gone through during his stay away from Korea. JongUp only hoped that he hadn't morphed into a person that he didn't recognize. He would already never forgive Tae-Sung for stealing away Junhong's endearing innocence, but if the situation caused Junhong to adopt a cold and bitter disposition, it would be like adding salt to an already painful wound.  
  
JongUp's internal rant was interrupted by the taxi driver's voice alerting him that they had arrived at the hotel. JongUp winced when he heard how much the short trip had cost him - his visit to Canada had barely started and already it was breaking his bank. It wasn't that JongUp minded spending his money on flying out to Canada to see Junhong; in reality, he was glad to. The only problem was that once his own money ran out, he would have no choice but to completely rely on his parents financially, not that he hadn't already been partially relying on them due to TS's unfair payment distribu _t_ ion. For that reason, JongUp had tried to be careful about how he spent his money, but he had made an exception for Junhong. In the end, regardless of his desire to hang onto his money, JongUp grudgingly handed over the requested cash to the driver because if there was one thing that he could definitely not afford, it was getting arrested in a foreign country.  
  
The driver waved goodbye to JongUp with a small smile as the dancer exited the taxi with his luggage. JongUp stood in the hotel parking lot for a moment, watching as his breath became a white fog in the freezing air. With a soft sigh, JongUp made his way into the hotel lobby, stopping at the front desk. The receptionist gave him a weird look when he asked what room Junhong was in, presumably due to privacy reasons. After buzzing Junhong's room to verify that he was expecting a visitor, the receptionist told JongUp that he was in room 241.  
  
By the time that he was halfway down the hall, JongUp's heart was beating so loudly that he was sure that his members in South Korea could hear it. He stopped in front of the closed door of Junhong's room, taking a steadying breath as he knocked twice on the door and waited awkwardly for it to open. A minute passed and there was no indication from inside that Junhong had heard him so JongUp got ready to knock again but was stopped by the door opening without warning. Junhong stood in the doorway, silver-gray hair disheveled and face devoid of makeup. Thankfully he looked tired but healthy and JongUp was silently relieved; he wasn't sure what he had been expecting but he was pleasantly surprised at what he was seeing. The two made eye contact and Junhong blinked rapidly in that adorable way of his, allowing a small smile to form on his face at the same time.  
  
“Hi hyung, come in.” Junhong stepped aside to allow JongUp entry into the hotel room, closing the door once both of them were inside. JongUp glanced around the relatively spacious room, silently wondering exactly how much money that the younger was spending per night to stay in it. JongUp decided to save his question for later and instead opted to turn his attention to Junhong who was still standing somewhat awkwardly in front of the door, seemingly looking anywhere but at him. JongUp wasn't sure what he caused the sudden shift in mood, but he knew that he wanted to find out. As calmly as he could, JongUp made his way to the leather couch and sat down, hoping that Junhong would follow his lead and do the same.  
  
After a moment of hesitation, Junhong joined him on the couch. JongUp couldn't help but notice that he seemed to be taking precautions to ensure that there was at least an arms lengths of distance between them. The dancer raised an eyebrow at the realization; it wasn't like any of the members had ever been very well acquainted with the concept of personal space and he wasn't entirely sure why this meeting was any different.  
  
The silence of the room was stifling even for JongUp who normally thrived in a quiet atmosphere. Junhong was normally the person who was able to get him to speak and laugh the loudest but here they were seemingly terrified to open their mouths. JongUp wasn't sure what was going on but he was going on but he did not that he didn't like it at all. The distance between them was too much and the silence was driving him crazy - he just needed Junhong to say something.  
  
“The song,” JongUp said quickly, the words tumbling out of his mouth too fast for his mind to register. He could only hope that Junhong had understood him. To JongUp's worry, Junhong didn't answer so he spared a glance in his direction. Junhong's hand was covering his heart - JongUp had scared him. “Sorry.” He muttered in response, realizing only after the fact that an apology probably hadn't been necessary.  
  
“It's fine. Speaking of the song, are you ready to hear it?” Junhong questioned, his voice coming out equally fast. JongUp blinked in response - was that even a real question?  
  
“Um, yeah. Wasn't that kind of the point of me flying here to see you?” JongUp spared a glance at Junhong and was surprised to see that the younger was blushing. Wait, _what_?  
  
“Ugh. I fucking hate this,” Junhong exclaimed without warning before jumping off of the couch. The maknae disappeared from JongUp's view for a moment before returning with a few sheets of paper in his hand. He stood in front of the couch awkwardly, not looking at JongUp. However awkward he obviously felt, he began to rap, his earlier outburst seemingly forgotten. JongUp listened to the first few verses, completely enraptured by the younger's mature rapping style. He continued to listen for a few seconds until he was abruptly brought out of his daze by what sounded like English curse words.  
  
The fact that Junhong was cursing didn't surprise him - none of the members had a very innocent mouth and they had rubbed off on the impressionable maknae. What did surprise JongUp was how _angry_ Junhong sounded. His voice had taken on a tone that was completely devoid of any emotion aside from rage. In that moment realization hit JongUp like a train; Junhong had written a song about TS. Junhong had taken all of the emotions that he had been feeling since joining the company and filing the subsequent lawsuit and turned them into a song. Junhong's first song was raw and painful but most importantly it was _real_. This song's meaning was much more personal than many of B.A.P's other releases. This track wasn't about a losing a girl - it was essentially about Junhong losing his innocence and having his perception of the world itself tainted all because some selfish adults took advantage of them. The chorus especially resonated with JongUp because it sounded like a blatant fuck you to TS.  
  
_'I don't even really mess with ya'll now, oh hell no'_ JongUp couldn't help but smirk at the obvious meaning of the lyric. Indeed, they did not.  
  
Junhong finished the song off by restating the question that he had asked in the beginning; ' _Before the world can straighten out my character can't I become an example?'_ JongUp made his own interpretation of what the lyric meant and while he couldn't be sure without asking, he was pretty sure that he caught the drift. Junhong wanted to be an example of what could happen if you walked into life being too trusting and unwilling or scared to stand up for yourself. TS had beaten B.A.P to the ground, abused and worked them to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. Above all else, they had taken advantage of the band and treated them like slaves rather than employees.  
  
Junhong took a deep breath and exhaled loudly, signaling the end of the song. Finally, he met JongUp's gaze, a look of vulnerability in his expression that hadn't been there before. JongUp wasn't sure what he was supposed to say - telling Junhong that he loved a song as emotional as this one seemed like a morbid thing to do but he couldn't say that he didn't like it either because that was far from the truth. Unsure of what else to do, JongUp decided to just be honest.  
  
“I don't... I don't really know what I'm supposed to say or feel.”  
  
“That's okay because I don't know either,” Junhong remarked with a bitter laugh. “I didn't even name it - I just call it “No Title.” I guess I don't care enough to give it a proper name, ya know? I'm sort of just done with the company and everything else. Really, No Title is just me venting frustrations. I'm planning on getting it recorded in a studio and uploading it to sound-cloud like a little present to the fans to let them know that I'm still alive.”  
  
“Well, I love it. I'm not sure if that's what I'm supposed to say but -”  
  
“No, that's perfect. I'm glad you liked it.” Junhong interrupted before looking away quickly, a blush once again dusting his cheeks. When had he become so easily embarrassed?  
  
“Junhong, why do you keep blushing?” JongUp questioned without warning, his curiosity winning over the little voice in his head that told him to keep quiet. By the way that Junhong's shoulder's instantly tensed and the blush increased, it didn't take much brain power for JongUp to realize that he probably should have kept his question to himself. “Never mind. Pretend that I didn't ask that.” JongUp quickly tried to rectify the situation but he got the distinct impression that the conversation had passed the point of no return. Just as JongUp began mentally berating himself for being so being stupid enough to embarrass the maknae further, Junhong finally gained the courage to look him in the eyes.  
  
“You really are clueless sometimes, aren't you?” Junhong asked in a voice so deadly calm that it almost scared JongUp. He got the feeling that it was a rhetorical question so he didn't answer, instead opting to raise a brow in silent questioning. Receiving no answer, Junhong continued. “Do I need to spell it out for you?” Still receiving no answer, Junhong threw his inhibitions to the wind and grabbed JongUp by the shoulders before locking their lips together.  
  
JongUp tensed in shock. What.The.Fuck. Junhong of all people was kissing him. On the lips. This was far from the innocent cheek kisses that the other members gave to embarrass each other. No, this was the real deal and JongUp would swear that he sensed some sort of urgency behind the kiss. Had he suddenly been plummeted into an alternate universe without realizing it? Despite his shock, JongUp was surprised to find that his heart was racing, but it wasn't from fear or disgust. No. His heart was racing because he was _enjoying_ the feeling of Junhong's lips on his.  
  
What was he supposed to do in this situation? Kissing Junhong back would open up a whole world of possibilities that he wasn't sure if he was ready to deal with but not kissing him back would give him the impression that his feelings weren't returned. Wait. Did he even feel the same as Junhong? JongUp thought back to their relationship over the years and realized that all of their innocent interactions - holding hands, having no reservations about sharing a bed at hotels, and always keeping as little space between them as possible - could all be perceived as something other than friendship. Those things weren't even taking into account how overprotective that JongUp was towards the younger - namely when TS was part of the equation. Hell, most of his reason for wanting to file the lawsuit had involved Junhong.  
  
JongUp broke the kiss. He couldn't help it - he needed to breathe and process the new found information before he went insane because holy shit, he liked Junhong. Unaware of JongUp's inner turmoil, the maknae's eyes widened and he stared at JongUp in terror, an apology already on the tip of his tongue. What the hell had he just done? Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes when he realized that he had probably just ruined his relationship with his best friend and bandmate. How could he have been so fucking stupid? He literally just forced himself on JongUp. JongUp didn't return his feelings.  
  
“I'm sorry - I shouldn't have done that. I—” Junhong stammered, taking a step away from the couch. He expected JongUp to let him go but was surprised to feel a hand close around his wrist. He stopped dead in his tracks, slowly moving his gaze to JongUp's face. JongUp looked uncertain, but that didn't stop him from pulling Junhong down onto the couch beside him.  
  
The next thing that Junhong registered was JongUp kissing him. The kiss was awkward, full of too much clanking of teeth and uncertainty, but in that moment it was the better than they could have imagined, not that either of them had much experience to compare. Though it took a few minutes of experimentation, eventually they seemed to get the hang of it and their movements became much more natural. Junhong quickly became more bold, wasting no time in pushing his tongue into JongUp's mouth. The older boy gasped in surprise because fuck if that wasn't unexpected.  
  
JongUp tried to lose himself in the kiss but failed miserably. Junhong wished that JongUp would kiss him back — his hesitation was making Junhong feel like he was taking advantage of the older boy and he wasn't trying to. It was just that he'd had a crush on the clueless dancer for two years and now that he had finally gotten the courage to kiss him, and JongUp didn't seem to be enjoying it very much.  
  
Unbeknownst to Junhong, JongUp was fighting an internal battle with himself that prevented him from doing much more than keeping his lips stationary against his. JongUp had realized something as soon as he had made the nearly unconscious decision to kiss Junhong back that made him reevaluate the last few years of knowing the younger boy. JongUp had realized that he'd probably always known on a subconscious level that he had feelings for Junhong, but had repressed them before they could fully be realized or acted on.  
  
The repression had most likely been a self-defense mechanism initiated by his mind to protect him from TS Entertainment and South Korea's conservative society. If he had acted on his feelings for Junhong, he wasn't sure what TS would have done, especially considering the fact that it was later revealed that TS had tried to use tapes of Daehyun and YoungJae as blackmail against the couple.  
  
The fear of TS didn't even take into account the fear of the rest of South Korea finding out; being perceived as anything but strictly straight in their country could instantly kill their careers — it wouldn't be the first time that a gay celebrity had come out and faced the blatant disgust of the general public. JongUp's breath quickened and he shuddered at the thought of that happening to him or any of his members. Junhong mistakenly took the shudder for pleasure from the contact of their lips, which led to him deepening the kiss.  
  
JongUp's thoughts were racing too fast; fear, confusion, and desire were all melding together to form a raging whirlwind of emotion in his mind and he couldn't keep up. All of the sudden, he couldn't breathe — kissing Junhong was taking more oxygen than he had in his lungs and it felt like his throat was being constricted. By this point, JongUp was pretty sure that he was hyperventilating and maybe even about to go into a full panic attack. With a gasp, he pulled away and pushed Junhong back before bending over and bracing his head between his knees in hopes of alleviating the onslaught of dizziness. Junhong hesitated before placing a calming hand on JongUp's shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. He wasn't sure what was wrong with JongUp but it reminded him of himself when he had panic attacks, so he assumed that was what JongUp was experiencing, and he could sympathize.  
  
It took ten minutes for JongUp's breathing to even out and for his heart rhythm to regulate. Even after he began calming down, JongUp didn't dare lift his head up for fear of Junhong's reaction — there was no way that he wasn't hurt by his seeming reaction to the kiss, even though he couldn't possibly know what had triggered it. Though JongUp refused to look up from the floor, that didn't stop Junhong from speaking the first words of the inevitable conversation they were about to have.  
  
“I'm sorry. I - I think I moved too fast and you tried to make yourself enjoy it. It's okay if you don't feel the same way or aren't ready to admit it.. I just couldn't lie to myself anymore.” Junhong whispered, almost too low for JongUp's ears to catch the heart-wrenching words. In that moment, Junhong sounded more mature than JongUp could remember like he was trying to be an adult about what he was perceiving as his first rejection. JongUp wanted to reassure him but he didn't trust his voice and even if he did, what would he _say_? ' _Sorry I'm terrified to admit that I like you because we'll be scorned for life by the conservative society of the country that we live in_ ' didn't sound like the smoothest thing to say but JongUp couldn't lie to him, either. He had no other choice but be honest, even though he was sure that Junhong wouldn't be happy with the truth.  
  
“You.. didn't do anything wrong,” JongUp croaked, forcing the words out even though his throat felt as parched as the Sahara. “I'm just scared.. we can't _like_ each back home. We both know that — hell, we _all_ know that. The hyungs are taking a huge risk already and I'm afraid that we'll make it worse.”  
  
“Believe me I know, but what if I'm willing to take the risk? Plus, I pretty much have DaeHyun and YoungJae's blessing already.” Junhong admitted with a small smile, recalling the conversation that he'd had with the couple after his stay in the hospital following his injury during their first attempt at 1004's choreography.  
  
“How so?”  
  
“After I got hurt, I caught them kissing... pretty intensely while they thought that I was sleeping. I was happy for them, and I wanted to be able to be happy too... even then, I knew that I liked you, but at the time I couldn't exactly admit how I felt.”  
  
JongUp took a deep breath, against his will remembering the day that Junhong had gotten hurt. After they'd arrived at the hospital and gotten Junhong settled into a room, he'd excused himself to the bathroom under the guise that he had a migraine and felt like he was going to throw up. Nobody had questioned his excuse since he had been getting sick so often, which was exactly what he hoped would happen, although he hadn't exactly been lying when he said he felt sick, but that wasn't the main reason that he had wanted out of the room. As soon as they'd gotten Junhong settled into the hospital bed he had felt hot tears pricking at the corners of his eyes and he had refused to cry in front of Junhong who was already in so much pain.  
  
JongUp had stayed in the bathroom for thirty minutes until it just so happened that YoungJae had walked in because he needed to pee, unexpectedly catching JongUp sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, tears streaming freely down his face. JongUp had been given no choice but admit that he was crying because he felt guilty for Junhong getting hurt, which had, of course, led to the obligatory ' _it wasn't your fault_ ' tirade from YoungJae, though it had fallen on deaf ears. JongUp had blamed himself exclusively for Junhong's injury until after the lawsuit when he began to accept that he couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened, though he still had relapses where he blamed himself for everything that had gone down with TS. Thinking back to that day, JongUp guessed that Junhong had spoken to Daehyun and YoungJae after he'd left for the dorm that night with the hyungs. As if to second his thoughts, Junhong told JongUp all that he needed to hear only seconds later.  
  
“When I talked to them, they told me that you were crying... because of me. You were the one hit the hardest by me getting hurt — they said that it was because you felt guilty, but I kind of hoped that there was another reason, too. I told them that I liked you and they didn't seem surprised at all — they pretty much told me that they had known because of how we act around each other, which I think also implied that you act a certain way around me. Anyway, I told them that I would wait until you stopped blaming yourself for me getting hurt but that never seemed to happen and then we had to file the lawsuit and how I felt got swept under the rug. I thought I could ignore how I felt until I got really depressed and angry a few nights after coming to Canada and wrote my feelings towards TS down on paper, which turned into 'No Title.' You were the first person to come to my mind when I wanted a second opinion and I knew that it meant that I needed to tell you how I feel.” The words spilled out of Junhong's mouth as fast a bullet and he could barely register what he was saying, but based on the expression on his face, JongUp had understood.  
  
“You...wanted to show me first?” he questioned uncertainly, doubt creasing his forehead. YongGuk surely had to have the logical first choice to present with 'No Title' with him being the experienced songwriter that he was. Yet Junhong had said that his first thought was him. “Why me?” he asked quietly, unable to stop his curiosity and doubt from expelling itself from his mouth.  
  
“Because I like you and I trust your judgment,” Junhong admitted, and JongUp's heart beat quickened. He wasn't sure if he wanted to kiss Junhong or have another panic attack, but hearing those words from Junhong's mouth did something to him that he couldn't explain, like some tingly feeling that he couldn't fully understand but didn't want to question. Luckily, Junhong either understood the conflicted expression on JongUp's face or simply had the same thought, but regardless of how it happened, he leaned down and pressed his lips against JongUp's, almost chastely, as if he were afraid that if he was too forceful he would scare him away. This time, JongUp reciprocated the kiss with little difficulty, completely giving control over to Junhong who smirked against his lips before pulling away.  
  
“It's late. We should go to sleep — you'll be in Canada for another week so we have plenty of time.” JongUp nodded, smiling genuinely as he followed Junhong to the bed. The two fell asleep side by side as they had done so many times before during stays at hotels, only this time, it meant so much more to them than it had in the past.

* * *

JongUp felt sick as he stared at the sight before him. YongGuk laid on practice room floor, blood soaking through his white wife-beater, and a spilled bottle of muscle relaxants scattered around his limp frame. JongUp dropped to his knees beside YongGuk's limp frame, holding one of the leader's cold hands in his own warm ones. As he stared at the bloodied hand that he held, he couldn't help but notice the vertical cuts across the bottom side of YongGuk's wrist. Bile rose in JongUp's throat and he had to cover his mouth with his free hand to stop himself from vomiting.  
  
Since when did YongGuk _cut_? JongUp had thought that he was getting better — he had promised not to try to kill himself after the last attempt. He had broken his promise before but this time, they had _trusted_ him, and he'd broken that trust. JongUp couldn't help but feel hurt and betrayed as the first few hot tears splashed onto his cheeks, but at the same time, he realized that the development of a new symptom like cutting that he hadn't know YongGuk did probably meant that YongGuk's depression had worsened to the point that the leader couldn't think about anything but the pain and he wanted to make sure that this time, he actually died.  
  
Having no desire to live or recover would explain why YongGuk had been so thorough — this time, he had completely given up. While JongUp was still hurt, he couldn't bring himself to be mad at YongGuk. They'd all been through so much and tried to be strong for so long, but there was only so long that a weak foundation could stand tall before it crumbled. Some people might think that YongGuk was weak, but then again, weren't they all?  
  
In the end, the technicalities didn't matter — regardless of how, B.A.P had lost their leader and the band would never be the same again. After coming to that realization, JongUp finally allowed the tears to flow from his eyes without restraint. After he had cried all that he physically could, JongUp unwillingly left YongGuk's body with the intention of informing the other members of his death. However, he never got the chance to. As soon as JongUp walked out of the practice room door, he was no longer standing in the dorm, but instead in front of a closed hospital room door. He pushed the door open and his ears were instantly assaulted by the sound of machines beeping.  
  
The person lying in the bed wasn't who he had been expecting — rather than YongGuk, _HimChan_ laid on his back in the bed, staring listlessly at the ceiling. JongUp nearly lost his control when he saw how thin HimChan was — he wasn't just unhealthily thin, he was _deadly_ thin. His already pale skin was as white as the sheets keeping his frail body warm and JongUp wanted to puke at the same time that he was terrified to because that was one of the factors that led to HimChan being in this condition. The visual — though it almost seemed morbid to call him that by this point, looked up with a small smile when he noticed JongUp standing beside his bed, trying his best not to grimace.  
  
“Hey Uppie,” he began, wincing as he swallowed past the dryness in this throat. “thanks for coming to visit me.”  
  
“HimChan what— what happened to you? I thought you were starting to do better!” JongUp demanded and to his horror, HimChan simply smiled.  
  
“What do you mean doing better? I was fat, JongUp. Ugly and fat, and I was hurting the group's image. I had to lose weight to be able to stand next to the rest of you.” Suddenly, HimChan leaned sideways off of the bed and almost instantly, JongUp heard painful retching. That was the moment that he noticed the bottle of ipecac sitting on HimChan's bedside table. It only took seconds for him to put the pieces of the puzzle together but by the time that he did, HimChan was already sitting up on the bed, face even paler before. JongUp glanced at him, immediately feeling his heart start racing in his chest when he noticed the red stain on HimChan's lips that contrasted sharply with his ghostly white skin.  
  
HimChan smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes — he looked far too weak to put that much effort into the expression. Though there was a smile on his face, HimChan's next words sent chills down JongUp's spine. “I think I'm finally skinny enough.” As soon as the words left his mouth, the heart monitor sounded off, and HimChan's eyes slid closed.  
  
The scream that was ripped from JongUp's mouth didn't sound human. He fell to the floor beside the bed, grabbing HimChan's hand as tears blurred his vision. JongUp rested his head on the side of the bed, not wanting to look at his deceased friend any longer. He simply continued to hold HimChan's hand which was all too quickly becoming cold. He didn't look up again until he'd cried all that he physically could and exhausted himself fully. When JongUp finally looked up, he realized that he was no longer in a hospital room, but rather a bar. ' _What the hell, I'm not even old enough to drink!_ ' he thought to himself, though he glanced around the room anyway.  
  
What he saw made his blood run as cold as ice. DaeHyun was sitting on a stool at the bar, surrounded by bottles of alcohol with names that JongUp couldn't even begin to pronounce. The older male looked up when he noticed JongUp, and JongUp instantly noticed how haggard the singer looked; dark purple bruises under his eyes made it look like he hadn't slept in weeks or had quite possibly been punched in a bar fight, and he looked like despite all of the drinking he'd clearly been doing, he had lost a lot of weight, making his skin appear loose and gaunt over his bones which were far too visible to be healthy. JongUp wanted so say something but he wasn't sure if he DaeHyun was in any condition to hear the news that both YongGuk and HimChan had passed away. Luckily or perhaps not so luckily, DaeHyun took away JongUp's responsibility of being the one to start the conversation.  
  
“Ha, you're probably wondering what the hell happened, aren't you?” Daehyun questioned before coughing into his hand. It was then that JongUp noticed the dying embers of a cigarette in the ashtray in front of DaeHyun; he'd picked up smoking, too.  
  
“Yeah, I am. I thought you and YoungJae made a deal that you would stop drinking?” JongUp's question was innocent and nothing could have prepared him for the cold laugh that DaeHyun let out. The laugh was so different from DaeHyun's normal boisterous and joy-filled laugh that it actually scared JongUp, though when DaeHyun spoke seconds later, he understood the rapid change in his demeanor.  
  
“YoungJae is gone. We didn't win the lawsuit and he left. YongGuk was trying to find us another company to get signed to, but YoungJae refused to sign because he said that he couldn't trust another CEO. He broke up with me and packed his stuff without even saying goodbye. I tried calling him so many fucking times. At first, he just let it go to voicemail, then he changed his number. I called his mom and she told me that she didn't know where he was — he left home and moved out of Seoul and nobody knows where exactly he went. He could be dead for all I know.” DaeHyun abruptly stopped speaking, pouring himself another shot of whatever he was drinking and downed it a single gulp. After another coughing fit, he smiled weakly at JongUp. “I'm not strong enough to do this without him, so I just let it happen. I picked up smoking later.. another stupid decision but it makes me feel good.”  
  
“Is feeling good worth hurting your voice?” JongUp questioned, hoping to rekindle some of DaeHyun's love for singing though to his horror, DaeHyun's eyes didn't light up with even a hint of remembered passion. Instead, they darkened and his facial expression became harder.  
  
“Why should I still care about my voice? B.A.P's over with, and I'll never be able to get into another company because of my association with TS. YoungJae's gone and there's a good chance that YongGuk and HimChan are dead, and Junhong is paralyzed.”  
  
The first three things that DaeHyun listed JongUp was already aware of, but the fourth made him feel like the floor was collapsing out from under him.  
  
“Junhong is _paralyzed_?” There was no verbal answer to JongUp's exclamation. Instead, DaeHyun gestured to somewhere behind him, but JongUp no longer needed to look — he could hear the subtle sound of wheels rolling over the hardwood floor of the bar. Everything in JongUp's body told him to not turn around, but against his better judgment, he did anyway and instantly regretted it.  
  
Junhong was sitting in a wheelchair, hands grasping the wheels. His face was completely devoid of expression and that was what scared JongUp the most. Neither of them spoke, they simply stared at each for several minutes as JongUp waited desperately for some spark for of recognition to appear on Junhong's face. The spark never came and JongUp wanted to cry — the desire to cry increased tenfold when finally Junhong spoke.  
  
“It was your fault, you know,” the way he said it wasn't a question — he was stating a _fact,_ JongUp realized with a gasp. “we kept doing the dance we created for 1004. Fans loved it, I loved it, but then it started hurting for me to dance my part. I told you that I was afraid that I was going to hurt my back again, but you told me that you didn't care and I should just suck it up, so I did. The last time we did it my spine broke nearly in half and now I'm stuck in this chair. I'm paralyzed and it's your fucking fault!” Junhong screamed the last part loud enough for one of DaeHyun's bottle to shatter. The singer didn't seem to notice as shards of glass hit him — he seemed lost in his own world. No longer wanting to look at DaeHyun in his trance-like state, JongUp turned his attention back to Junhong, though he quickly realized that it wasn't Junhong standing in front of him anymore.  
  
Tae-Song stood in front of him, an evil smile plastered on his face. Without a word, he walked closer and closer to JongUp until he had no choice but to back into the wall, a decision that he found himself instantly regretting when he found himself pinned to the wall by Tae-Song's weight. The CEO leaned down to whisper a single sentence into JongUp's ear.  
  
“ _This is all your fault._ ”  
  
JongUp shot up in bed, thrashing around in the bed until the covers were kicked off of his body. He didn't know where he was, he had never been so disoriented in his entire life, and he felt hot and _sick_. Within seconds nausea overwhelmed him and he leaned over, hoping that wherever he was aiming wouldn't make too much of a mess as he uncontrollably vomited the contents of his stomach. The fact that he couldn't see anything made the dizziness so much worse and he couldn't stop throwing up.  
  
The only one of JongUp's senses that didn't seem to be affected was his hearing; he could hear a panicked voice from somewhere far away but he couldn't open his mouth to respond without being sick again, not that keeping his mouth closed was doing him much good. JongUp opened his mouth to vomit again but this time was different; this time, he felt something cold being pressed against his neck. He forced himself to focus on the only cold spot of his overheated body and slowly, he began to come back to his senses.  
  
The first thing that JongUp registered was a horrible stench somewhere close by — the scent was unmistakably vomit and that realization almost made him sick again. The second thing that he noticed was that he could _see_ again. He glanced around at his surroundings, slowly recognizing the hotel then he remembered that he was in Canada with Junhong. He also noticed a bucket on the floor beside him and luckily, it seemed like everything had made it inside the bucket that Junhong had undoubtedly placed beside him before he'd been sick for the first time. Finally, he noticed Junhong crouching on the floor beside the bed, a look of absolute horror on his face.  
  
“Uppie, can you hear me?” he questioned worriedly and JongUp nodded slightly, not trusting his stomach to not rebel if he moved his head too much. Junhong seemed to understand the slight gesture because a look of relief quickly crossed his features. “Thank God. You scared the hell out of me. I was half asleep when I felt you kind of shoot up in bed and then you started making weird noises so I got the feeling you were going to be sick — I barely got the trash can over to you in time.”  
  
“I think.. I'm okay now,” JongUp mumbled before turning in bed so that he was lying flat on his back. “can you get me some water?” he asked tentatively and ten seconds later, Junhong was forcing a cup of water into his hand.  
  
“Gotcha covered already. Here, sit up so you don't spill it all over the bed.” Junhong helped JongUp sit up by supporting him with an arm around his waist as JongUp swished some of the water around in his mouth before leaning over to spit it into the bucket, downing the rest a second later. Junhong placed the cup back on the bedside table before returning to his side of the bed beside JongUp. Neither of them moved or spoke for several minutes until Junhong reached over to tightly grasp JongUp's hand in his own. JongUp weakly returned the contact, squeezing Junhong's hand with as much strength as he could which admittedly, wasn't much. After the rest of JongUp's symptoms aside from the fear had subsided, he finally turned to face Junhong.  
  
“I had a dream.”  
  
“I figured that,” Junhong admitted sadly, squeezing JongUp's hand harder. “I'm pretty sure you have a lot of those, but this one was worse?” It wasn't really a question — to his knowledge, none of the other had been bad enough to make JongUp literally purge the contents of his stomach at 2 o'clock in the morning. Although, despite the overly obvious answer, JongUp nodded.  
  
“This was the worst dream I've ever had. I don't even want to talk about it right now.” JongUp's tone was full of begging for Junhong not to question him further, not when the dream was still so fresh in his mind. Luckily, Junhong took the hint.  
  
“You don't have to tell me about it tonight. I know it's hard, but we have to believe that things will get better, right? A wise dancer once told me that and I think that starting tonight, I want to try and take his advice and actually make sure that we both believe it. We have to have hope.”  
  
Despite everything that they had experienced in the last few minutes as well as the years under TS, both boys smiled and tried to think positive thoughts despite the dark cloud surrounding them while silently hoping that their band-mates were doing the same.  
  
Hope doesn't make a difference immediately, but having but having hope is the difference in believing that things will get better and accepting that the bad in your life will never go away.


End file.
